"Open Casket" when it should have been "Closed Casket"

[joshsmom]

How about Avery?

And now back to your regularly scheduled thread . . .

 

[Aimeedyan]

A friend of mine was killed in a head on car accident while in college (driving home to visit her parents one weekend) - they should have closed it. Her face was badly bruised and no amount of makeup could fix it. When I walked into the family visitation, friends already there told us she did not look like Laura and to think twice before going to see her. I chose to see her, and they were right - it wasn't Laura. I can see the image in my head like it was yesterday and it kept me up for nights on end.

I attended the visitation and funeral of a 9 year old about a month ago - she was killed in a freak horseback riding accident. The family was given the opportunity to see her but the decision was made to close her casket and no one saw her. The family did not allow her mother to see her; evidently, her head injuries were just too severe for mom to handle seeing. Older brother (age 12) did see her and told me it helped him say goodbye but the younger siblings did not. They had beautiful pictures of her around the room, her school pictures, dance pictures, soccer pictures, etc. Lots of kids around and I think it was the right thing to do.

 

[joshsmom]

One of my best friends from high school was killed in a car accident my second year of college. I hadn't seen him in over a year since I was away at school. It was VERY difficult for all of us, because we were a VERY close-knit group. To this day, I don't remember if the casket was open or not (isn't that crazy???) but I remember they did have pictures of him around. That's the part I remember, as well as his little brother--who was probably around 12 at the time, who was severely distraught and kept going up to the casket and just wailing. I felt SO SORRY for that little boy. But I truly DON'T remember if the casket was open or not. I think I blocked it out.

This is a little off topic, but not really. I remember Guns N Roses had a video for their song November Rain and the girl in the video had a traumatic death (they didn't show it but it was implied). There was an open casket but half of it was a mirror to reflect the side of her face without the trauma. Do funeral homes really do that or was that just a video thing?

 

[WDWBarb]

A dear friend of mine committed suicide about a year and a half ago. I knew it was a gunshot wound to the head so I was very, very surprised (ok, I almost fainted) when I walked in and saw an open casket. But he looked perfect - there was no indication of trauma whatsoever.

 

[perdidobay]

OT How about Adam? Or Addison

How about Ansel, after the famous photographer?

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Alex or Andrew or Andreas or Asher or my favorite Aaron.

I also like Asher. Or Alec, Austin, Anthony or Anton.

 

[bumbershoot]

All I have are thoughts, not experiences, with the exact question.

Me personally I would rather have a open casket no matter how hard it is to see then to have a person cremated. My fil was cremated and there was no casket or anything to morn just his picture. I hated it

There's a middle ground.

There is nothing preventing the family from doing both..

Yep. The middle ground is to have a funeral with the casket and person there, and then there's nothing at a gravesite.

My grandmother was dead for about 48hrs before anyone realized (trust me this weighs heavy on my heart.. I did try to call her but I just thought she was at work or shopping) anyway... I choose not to have open casket (I was next of kin) My brother and my dad went to see her the night before the viewing. They assured me she looked normal, and was fine for open casket..I couldn't bring myself to do it. My mom was cremated, my dad donated his body to science and we had a big party for him last month. His ashes arrived home the same day as the party but since no one was here to sign for him, he spent the weekend at the post office... I personally HATE open caskets... I had the option to go see my dad before they shipped him off to whereever he went.. I opted to stay home, my brother and my dad's gf went... they said they wish they wouldn't have gone.. well duh I told them that in the beginning.. why would you want that to be the last thought of them? Dead, cold, not sleeping.. they are dead... why would you want that image in your mind?? Yes its the family's choice and I opted for closed casket.. blah I don't want people staring at me when I'm dead.. ick.. close mine thank you.

Unfortunately, that is how I remember him.

Seeing his father who had been dead for an hour (hubby was with him at the hospital, then his mom needed a ride there, and when he was 15 minutes away from the hospital, 5 minutes away from his mom, the hospital called to say he had died) is almost the only full memory hubby now has of his dad. It's haunting. He could barely sleep for months. He only went in b/c his mom insisted he go with her, and he wishes every day that he didn't.

They are Buddhist so there was no body-present funeral, just a memorial service 90 days after to urge him to nirvana (a whole other sordid tale).

Anyway, .

My thoughts? If seeing the body is so important, do it privately and don't subject other people to having to look and say, "oh, he/she looks so good!"

Agreed.

my father's side of the family put a stop to open caskets following a freak but traumatic event at my grandmother's funeral. my father and his siblings were standing around the casket and saying their final farewells when all of a sudden they saw tears coming from one of her eyes, streaming down her cheek it was later determined that the funeral home had not completly drained one of her tear ducts but the experience was horrifying for those who witnessed it.

While in college and chiropractic school, I did dissection. So I've been rather up close and personal with bodies and have no illusions about them.

Therefore, when my mom died, I did NOT see her. They had some sort of viewing on two evenings before the funeral, but we didn't go and don't know if anyone else did. Before the funeral started, they had the casket open, but my brother and I both chose not to go in. Our aunt did, she had something she wanted to do that I don't know, and she wishes she hadn't. My brother and I have NO regrets.

And therefore, for any future funerals I might go to, I will NOT go to a casket, and I do NOT feel it's 'disrespectful' of anyone. If seeing my mom wasn't something I was going to do, seeing someone else isn't going to happen, either.

At my mom's funeral, since it was a service before cremation, we went to the church's common room for people to say their usually ridiculously awful statements to us. I learned the power of a simple "I'm so sorry for your loss" there. Alas, my stepdad is a very religious person and they had just joined this church 2 Sundays before my mom coudln't go out anymore, so she had NO idea how fundamental they are. And those people had very different views on what was happening with my mom than I did (so did the pastor, who was nearly strangled to death by me as he insulted me and my brother who were not of that religion, and said horrid things my mother would NEVER have wanted said at her funeral) and just couldn't be quiet.

OK I digressed. Sorry.

 

[pppiglet]

My grandmother looked fine at her funeral when I was in 9th grade, but before that I had been to her mother's funeral and she died of old age. They had the bright red lipstick on her and had put a very pointed bra on this old lady and it was so noticeable. Didn't quite look right.

Then my mom's 2nd husband died and at the funeral my Aunt said "don't go up and see him. He looks like the Joker in Batman!" I did not go up and see him. I am so glad. With my mom and dad, I did not visit either after they had died for visitation and I had both of them cremated. I have better memories of them this way.

I guess it depends on the situation. My DH's grandmother looked fine at her funeral also.

 

[polineedyan]

Thought of two more.

Back in the early 1900s my great-grandfather helped dig the graves at our church. This lady had died and the family buried her. Well her parents made it into community a few days later and the mother demanded to see her daughter. So my grandfather and a few others dug the women's casket back up. Now remember we are talking rural Alabama around 1915. Well when they dug her up and opened the casket, it seems that the women hadn't really died. Because their was claw marks where she had used her nails to claw the wood above her. She had also pulled out all of her hair. He said the look of death on her face, was something he would never forget.

Also back in the 40s, the viewing was still done at home (it's still done ever once and while). My grandmother and a few other ladies were taken the flowers out to the cemetery to lay over the ground of the new grave. As they were leaving she was walking and sunk straight down to her knees into a grave that wasn't marked.

Claw marks..Isnt it ironic that the person they had to dig up just happened to be the one (probably in 10,000 maybe a million) who 'hadnt died.'?
I think this whole thread is really in bad taste.

 

[HelenePA]

I think this whole thread is really in bad taste.

Why? Death is a part of life? A huge part of my life lately... why shouldn't people talk about it?

 

[Goobergal99]

Why? Death is a part of life? A huge part of my life lately... why shouldn't people talk about it?

Because didn't you know the censor police live on the boards... I know really, lets all live in happy land and pretend that we will be around forever.. geez

I thought it was interesting personally

 

[polineedyan]

I said "I THINK" its in bad taste. Why cant I express my thoughts? Everyone else is..except the people youre talking about!
If you talk about how I looked when Im dead, good or bad, Ill come back and HAUNT YOU!

 

[Amlee]

Claw marks..Isnt it ironic that the person they had to dig up just happened to be the one (probably in 10,000 maybe a million) who 'hadnt died.'?
I think this whole thread is really in bad taste.

Hmm let's see I did say it was rural Alabama in the early 1900s. So I don't think there is that many people in that area.

As for bad taste, no not really. Death is something that happens. How people have their funerals are things that happen. Like it or not.

I said "I THINK" its in bad taste. Why cant I express my thoughts? Everyone else is..except the people youre talking about!
If you talk about how I looked when Im dead, good or bad, Ill come back and HAUNT YOU!

I don't think anyone said you couldn't. I don't agree with your post as much as you don't agree with mine. An the chances of many of seeing you alive much less dead are what 10,000 maybe a million? So I'm not worried about you haunting me.

 

[Goobergal99]

Hmm let's see I did say it was rural Alabama in the early 1900s. So I don't think there is that many people in that area.

As for bad taste, no not really. Death is something that happens. How people have their funerals are things that happen. Like it or not.



I don't think anyone said you couldn't. I don't agree with your post as much as you don't agree with mine. An the chances of many of seeing you alive much less dead are what 10,000 maybe a million? So I'm not worried about you haunting me.

she could always just stop reading the posts, and then they wouldn't offend her or "appear in bad taste" I don't believe in ghosts so I am not much worried about being haunted either

 

[Amlee]

she could always just stop reading the posts, and then they wouldn't offend her or "appear in bad taste" I don't believe in ghosts so I am not much worried about being haunted either

Well I do believe in them. But I'm still not worried about her. I've experianced good and bad ghost. None have bothered me yet. A little alum around the house keeps people or ghost of ill will out of the house.

 

[HelenePA]

Ill come back and HAUNT YOU!

eh my dad told me the same thing. So far he's opened 3 of my doors... Both inside front and storm door (talk about scaring the poop out of someone!) and then the next day the attic door... I'm sure he'll be glad to have some company

 

[tinatark]

I can remember going to funerals when I was very young. Always open casket. Closed casket (or cremation, no casket) funerals just don't have the finality of an open casket funeral/viewing, to me.

I remember a couple of funerals when I was a teen, other teens in accidents, with the mesh stuff over the casket - I guess I didn't look close enough to see if the lids should have been closed. One was a friend of my sister's - she was wearing her boyfriend's class ring, and was buried with it - he didn't intend for that to happen!

 

[lemondog]

Adam is a big Nix, my former best friend is married to a Adam who convinced her I was bad and she couldn't be my friend any more since I had kids They are not planning on having children.. Addison to me is more for a girl. I like Alan, dh does not.

I vote for Andrew!

 

[lemondog]

In some instances, I think a closed casket is good. For example, when my mom's friend died of leukemia in her mid-30s. She died 5 weeks after diagnosis and most of us had not seen her since she became sick. She had these large red welty things all over her and just did not look at all like herself. In that case, I wish the casket had been closed because that is NOT how we wanted to remember her.

Now, in the case of my grandmother, who died from pneumonia (2 weeks after suffering a stroke) at age 81, having an open casket was the best thing for many people. She had not looked happy or healthy for years, and everyone could not believe how good she looked in the casket. My (late) grandfather's best friend owns the funeral home and he took VERY special care to make her look perfect. As for me, I was with her when she died, and if you have never been with someone who has died before...well, their color changes very quickly. I was with her body for about 30 minutes after her passing, and she went from pale to grey to yellow. I mean NO color anywhere on her body, even her lips were yellow. It was NOT the way I wanted to remember her. So I was very grateful to see her looking so lovely in the casket. JMHO.

Oh, and all this talk of people touching the bodies is freaking me out. I absolutely WOULD NOT touch her, hold her hand or anything like that. SO many people were. I could not believe it. I mean, that really is nothing but a "shell" in there and it does not feel warm and soft like a real body...especially after embalming.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Then my mom's 2nd husband died and at the funeral my Aunt said "don't go up and see him. He looks like the Joker in Batman!"

That's exactly what my brother and I said about our dad! He didn't look anything like himself, and they had somehow forced his lips into a weird, twisted grin just like the Joker's! I hate that that image comes to mind at all when I think of my dad. I prefer the way it is with my mom. I never saw her after she died, and so I only picture her in life.

I have never been to an open casket funeral where the deceased was a trauma victim, those have all been closed. I have mixed feelings on open caskets in general. Like I said, I don't like that image of my dad in his coffin at all, nor others that didn't look like themselves. But sometimes, it's wonderful to see a person at peace, after years of illness and pain.

One unusual (for me) practice I witnessed was at the funeral of the husband of a coworker. The casket was open for most of the service, then the minister very, very slowly closed the lid near the end. This sent my coworker into the worst, most audible grief of the service. She was literally screaming "no, no" and sobbing uncontrollably. It was so absolutely heartbreaking I'm tearing up right now just remembering. I won't criticize the practice, but I must admit I sat there thinking "why are they doing this to her?"