Offended

[Becky2005]

So, a greeting card? No sweat. A gift in the form of a check? Problem. I've been married for over 20 years, and my MIL still sends me "birthday gift" checks written out with my first name and my husband's last name. That creates a nasty little tradition where I have to take the check back to her and ask her to either not bother with a gift or to write a new check -- infuriating doesn't begin to describe this little game of hers.

You CAN get somewhat away with it -- we had to do that at our bank when my aunt sent me a check written out in my maiden name -- which was hysterical since I've been married 20 years...she just had a lapse of memory. We did manage to get the check cashed without having her to re-issue it but it was a local bank and it all worked out.

I try hard to make sure to address the envelopes however the people prefer but I get it all messed up. My SIL kept her maiden name so I usually address the envelope Jane Doe & John Smith. Usually, whoever I have the relationship with is who gets listed first on the envelope.

Sometimes though I just don't know...apparently my cousin kept her last name but I had no clue about that until just recently & she is older than me, has been married longer than I have and I think is even a grandparent at this point...happens when you come from a larger family. She had a long last name, her husband had a long last name and then we had to fit "and family" on there & this was for an invite to my parents 50th anniversary so needed to be somewhat formal.

Definitely rude to post on Facebook & I'm assuming the OP's friend did take her husband's last name. Names are so complicated at times. Luckily my family is pretty laid back and however it gets addressed works (I grew up with a difficult to spell last name and even though my current one is easy, it still gets messed up all the time -- so this would be a trivial thing to me).

 

[themilesfamily]

OP, I am so sorry that happened to you. What a horrible thing to do to somebody. That person should be ashamed of herself. I'm sure many, many people read her post and thought her rude.

When I send Christmas cards I usually address it to "The insert-last-name-here Family." So, sorry, no one gets an identity. You're a family, here's your card, deal with it.

 

[Robindianne]

It would bother me but I would never let the sender know; I would assume she was just a lovely person with an outdated way about her. I'd take it for the goodness of the act of remembering me at Christmas and let the rest go.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

We usually do "Husband & Wife Lastname" or "The Lastname Family".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.

Wow, uptight much?

I send things "The Lastname Family".

 

[pacrosby]

All these people who insist "I have my own identity" need to get over themselves IMO. Of course you have your own identity......addressing an envelope in a manner that has been considered acceptable for generations is not suggesting otherwise. Call yourself whatever you want but be adult enough to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. Why the need for so much drama?

 

[cornflake]

All these people who insist "I have my own identity" need to get over themselves IMO. Of course you have your own identity......addressing an envelope in a manner that has been considered acceptable for generations is not suggesting otherwise. Call yourself whatever you want but be adult enough to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. Why the need for so much drama?

I don't think thinking mail addressed to you, especially by someone who actually knows you, should have your name on it, is really thinking the world revolves around you.

I've known more than one person who simply chucks anything doesn't have their name on it, because it can't be important as wasn't sent to them on purpose or by someone who knows them, one would think.

It's also hardly some new idea that the whole Mrs. thing is outdated - my parents didn't address cards that way either.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

On the names and banks - it depends whethere this is something you want to take a stand on or not. I didn't, and I'm a Southern girl, and we've always had a work around, because the woman's family is just as important as the man's when it comes to navigating things socially.

You simply tag your DH's last name after your maiden name and keep them all. Then any time you have to give all legal names you just note the Akas.

For example, if my husband is Sleeping Wolf, upon my marriage that would make me Snarling Coyote Wolf aka Snarling Coyote aka Snarling Wolf.

It's not exactly fair - my husband is just plain ole' Sleeping Wolf and will never get to be Sleeping Wolf Coyote or Sleeping Coyote - but it works for me for navigating social/familial/business/education waters. No matter what name a check is issued in, for example, I can cash it. No matter how someone draws up a legal document, I can sign it. (I may write in an aka somewhere.) And I don't get into petty arguments over how my name is supposed to be.

Mrs. Sleeping Wolf. . .hmm. I don't know that I've ever been called that before. If someone did call me that outside of say, being announced at court (like that would ever happen!), I'd answer to it while thinking "wow, do I need to buy a circle skirt and a crinoline? Is it the 1950's and someone forgot to tell me?" But I'd never say anything out loud and would probably just mark the person off as somewhat old fashioned and remember not to give them technology gifts; I wouldn't think badly of them.

I definitely wouldn't be a petty blankety blank who posted a picture of it on Facebook. If something like that happened to me, think I would just let it go - anything I could think of to post in response would start a comment war - and would probably block the friend's posts from my Facebook feed.

 

[Jennasis]

Just another reason to do away with Christmas card all together.

 

[pacrosby]

I don't think thinking mail addressed to you, especially by someone who actually knows you, should have your name on it, is really thinking the world revolves around you.

Maybe, maybe not. I can't imagine that too many people ever have conversations with family/friends about how to address their envelopes so how would they know? Bottom line is it's really not all that important in the grand scheme of life so why get so bent out of shape about it? Doing so, to me, suggests that someone is perhaps alittle too wrapped up in themselves.

I've known more than one person who simply chucks anything doesn't have their name on it, because it can't be important as wasn't sent to them on purpose or by someone who knows them, one would think.

I'd say that's just pretty dumb. I bet they are probably are the same ones who then get all bent out of shape saying that they never got invited to Cousin Besty's wedding.

It's also hardly some new idea that the whole Mrs. thing is outdated - my parents didn't address cards that way either.

But it's not considered outdated by everyone and that's the point. Many women still change their name and even embrace the idea of being thought of as "Mrs. John X". In fact many (including myself) actually despise the silly 'Ms.' designation and all the pomp and circumstance surrounding this "I am a person too" debate. Are we now supposed to call everyone before we address their envelope to determine how how they prefer to be addressed? I guess this stuff just never ceases to amaze me. Don't people have bigger fish to fry? I know I do...I don't care what you call me (well, within reason ).

 

[cornflake]

Maybe, maybe not. I can't recall imagine many people ever having conversations with my family/friends about this very topic so how would they know? nd really now.....it's not that important in the grand scheme of life so why get so bent out of shape about it? Doing so, to me, suggests that someone is perhaps alittle too wrapped in themselves.



I'd say that's just pretty dumb.



It's not outdated for 'everyone'. Many women still change their name and many despise the silly 'Ms.' designation. I have bigger fish to fry. Personally I don't care what you call me (well, within reason ). I have bigger fish to fry.

Ok, that's how you feel about it. That's fine.

I'm just saying I don't think expecting things mailed to you, by people who know you no less, have your actual name on them makes you think the world revolves around you. It seems kind of a small thing to me to expect one's friends to know your name.

 

[Ginny Favers]

Oh, my goodness. It's Christmas. You were sending them good wishes, and they complain about that? I would not be sending them another card, since it's obvious they don't understand what Christmas cards are for.

Regardless of whether "it's 2012" and if a person wants to be "modern", they should respect another person's choice to be "old-fashioned." I personally see no problem in being either way, but people need to respect the choice of others.

 

[jodifla]

She was rude for putting that on Facebook but I am in the camp of hating Mrs John Doe. I use to tell my (now ex) husband, you have mail.

I don't care what Emily Post says, that way of addressing was when men brought home the bacon, women didn't have credit cards in their name (I can remember Wards issuing us two John Doe credit cards and I was an authorized signer (woo hoo). He was considered the one responsible to pay the bills.

Well, those days are considered gone and honestly that way of addressing mail should be too. It just reminds me of the Lucy and Ricky days when he gave her her household budget and got in trouble if she went over. It just made women very weak/meek. I had a much older coworker and she enjoyed it though. All her banking info including checks were Mrs John Doe.

Anyway, the person was wrong in posting it on Facebook.

Yeah, this is how I feel. I'd never publicly complain about a "Mr. and Mrs." card, but anyone who knows us even remotely knows I have always used my own name.

"Mr. and Mrs." is awfully formal for a Christmas card. I wouldn't expect it on anything but a wedding invitation. I just use first names, or the X family, or Cindy Jones and family, for example.

My view is if you know my family, and respect us, you'll use our names properly.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Your friend is rude. When I was married I always preferred to be addressed by our first names and last name or the XXX family, but I most certainly didn't get offended if it was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Last Name. Geez.

Even if she thought you were being old-fashioned, she was rude, which is way worse. To post it on facebook is way out of line.

Some people look for ways to be offended and all we can do it to realize that they are the ones with the problem. Reminds me of when my children were babies and someone would say something like: "what a beautiful girl you have!" when speaking about one of my boys. I didn't get mad because they called my boy a girl, but instead took the compliment as it was meant to be and said thank you. If I had been feeling bold, the most I might have said was, "it's a boy, but thank you", but that would have been said with a smile so they'd know I wasn't offended.

I prefer to look at the positives when dealing with others. That's not my nature and not how I was raised and I very often have to reel myself back in from negative thinking, but it's worth it because when I look for the positives in people and situations, I am much happier.

Anyway, that woman would be crossed off my Christmas card list and if this sort of thing is a pattern I would probably defriend her on facebook because I don't need toxic people in my life. I don't defriend easily, however I have learned that it's ok to limit my friendships. At the very least I would send her a private message on facebook and tell her my thoughts about her post.

 

[pacrosby]

Ok, that's how you feel about it. That's fine.

I'm just saying I don't think expecting things mailed to you, by people who know you no less, have your actual name on them makes you think the world revolves around you. It seems kind of a small thing to me to expect one's friends to know your name.

No, I hear you....and I do agree that your friends should "know your name". My name is Pam and that's what my friends should call me of course. But that's very different than knowing how to address me when sending me something in the mail. Are they just going to just write "Pam"? "Pam and Steve"? "Pam and Steve X"? "Mr and Mrs X"? "Mr and Mrs Steve X"? Mr and Mrs Pam and Steve X"? "Pam X and Steve X? Ms Pam X and Mr Steve X"? Actually I never even legally changed my name so 17 yrs later legally I'm still "Pam Y". Should they know that and write "Pam Y and Steve X"? "Ms Pam Y and Mr Steve X"? Does it ever end?????? lol

My point it that is complicated and no matter how you write it some nincompoop somewhere is going to be offended. Sadly for some it will always be a matter of what you did to/for or didn't do to/for me, me, me

ETA: the one exception I would make would be if one's friend was a staunch feminist who always made it clear that this was some sort of major issue with her as in that case it would be inconsiderate to then go against her requests. That would be the exception not the rule however and probably doesn't apply to 99% of the people who would "choose" to take issue with it.

 

[SaraJayne]

Some people will find *anything* to complain about, won't they?

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Hi all! Sorry I fell asleep last night while dis-boarding! This thread sure did take on a lot of pages while I slept. Just to be clear, this woman DID take her husbands last name when they got married, she was offended by the fact that I did not use her first name on the envelope. The funny thing is, I did not take my husband's last name, I kept mine, and I get mail addressed to Mrs Myhusbandslastname all the time. It really never occurred to me to be offended by that. I don't sweat the small stuff.

I did respond to her facebook post, this was my response:

I see you got my card! Glad to see you picked up on the fact that I was making a concerted effort to insult you. Mission accomplished! And now I know that you got the message I obviously intended, I assure you will not have to worry about how your card is addressed next year.


My comment has has 16 likes so far. She has not responded or commented.

 

[design_mom]

Your friend is rude. When I was married I always preferred to be addressed by our first names and last name or the XXX family, but I most certainly didn't get offended if it was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Last Name. Geez.

Even if she thought you were being old-fashioned, she was rude, which is way worse. To post it on facebook is way out of line.

I use my husband's last name. I agree, I prefer using both first names, or "Mr. and Mrs. Lastname" or "the Lastname Family" over "Mr. and Mrs. Husband Lastname." However, I'd hardly be offended by it. And posting a big thing about it on FB is horribly rude. I know that Mr. and Mrs. Husband Lastname is still considered acceptable, even thought it is not my preference... and you can't please everyone all the time.

When I was getting married, we sent an invitation to DH's widowed Great Aunt, whom I only knew as Aunt Rosie. I called my MIL to find out how I should address the invitation since I did not know if her given name was Rose or Rosie. (My mother's given name is Betty and she hates when people assume it's a nickname and address things to Elizabeth, so I wanted to check.) Anyway, I sent the invitation to Mrs. Rose Lastname. And heard through the phone tree that she had been offended. She should have been addressed as Mrs. Deceased-husband-who-I-never-met's-first-name Lastname. By the time the news had gotten to me, the whole family had heard about my "faux pas." Welcome to the family to me! (Somehow it was my faux pas even though DH's family had provided the list!) Anyway, in general they are a nice family -- but I was practically in tears that I'd already offended someone and we weren't even married yet. Because of that, you can address my stuff however you wish. As long as I can figure it out it's for me, I won't complain... although I really do not care for "Mrs. Husband Lastname" when it's for *only* me, not both of us. (See, you can't please everyone because that's how Aunt Rosie *wanted* hers addressed.) Even if you send it to "Mrs. Husband Lastname", I promise I'll open it and keep my mouth shut.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

10:1 odds that she routinely posts, "I just can't stand drama in my life!" at least once a month on Facebook

This is actually quite accurate. She is always having some sort of crisis. She is one of those that posts vague attention seeking statuses. The kind where she wants people to ask questions. "oh what did I do to deserve this bad bad bad luck, my week is ruined"

 

[Andtototoo]

No, I hear you....and I do agree that your friends should "know your name". My name is Pam and that's what my friends should call me of course. But that's very different than knowing how to address me when sending me something in the mail. Are they just going to just write "Pam"? "Pam and Steve"? "Pam and Steve X"? "Mr and Mrs X"? Mr and Mrs Pam and Steve X"? "Pam X and Steve X? Actually I never even legally changed my name so 17 yrs later legally I'm still "Pam Y". Should they know that and write "Pam Y and Steve X"?

Why wouldn't your friends know that you kept your own name? And if they know you kept your own name, what's the confusion about how to address a piece of mail to you? Seems simple to me.

I did respond to her facebook post, this was my response:

I see you got my card! Glad to see you picked up on the fact that I was making a concerted effort to insult you. Mission accomplished! And now I know that you got the message I obviously intended, I assure you will not have to worry about how your card is addressed next year.


My comment has has 16 likes so far. She has not responded or commented.

Ha! You rock!