Offended

[traviesojmt]

I realize from reading the boards that many people handle things differently than my DH and I may handle them. I honestly would not blink twice at how an envelope was addressed. We don't care who opens the mail either. Anything that comes in the mail is free to be opened by either us, regardless of who it is addressed. Of course, I have also gotten over the fact that military refers to me as a "dependent" on a regular basis.

As a side note: did anyone see Charles Barkley on SNL? He did a hilarious skit that my DS15 and I laugh about almost daily now. According to the skit, he would refer to this thread as "white-people problems". It was really funny. Making fun of some of the silly stuff we get upset about.

 

[clarkshel]

My wife has a different last name and does get irritated when someone addresses her with my last name. However, she could care less about getting any kind of mail addresses as my last name. There are a lot bigger things to worry about. I can't believe people actually get offended by having mail addressed this way. I think people need to get a life if this bugs them.

 

[themilesfamily]

As a side note: did anyone see Charles Barkley on SNL? He did a hilarious skit that my DS15 and I laugh about almost daily now. According to the skit, he would refer to this thread as "white-people problems". It was really funny. Making fun of some of the silly stuff we get upset about.

They have a website for this now and it is HILARIOUS.

http://whitepeopleproblems.us/

One of my favorites: Under the heading "Why am I being punished?" and a picture of a girl weeping... "I wanted a McDonald's apple pie, but my mom got a Dunkin Donuts one instead."

I also like: Twinkies are going out of business. 11/16/12. Never forget.

 

[Robbi]

I sent a Christmas card to a family friend and her spouse, and today on facebook there is a picture of the envelope I addressed to them. I had addressed it to " Mr & Mrs (husbands name, last name). The status says something along the lines of it is 2012 and I have my own name and identity. Apparently I should have included both first names? I honestly was not trying to offend anyone. Just trying to fit it all in on the address line. But I can tell you who is OFF the card list from now on.

Anyone else get offended by having your mail addressed this way? I'll be honest, I don't put that much time into getting offended.

OP, you addressed the card correctly.
I wish I had your friend's life. Geez, if something like this can even become a blip in her life, she must have it really easy.
She could though be one of those sad people who have to post
every single thing that happens in their small lives on FB.

On the other hand my mom gets upset when people send her mail addressed to "Mrs. Jane Smith". She says, even though my dad died over 40 years ago, she's still "Mrs. John Smith". Most women (in her opinion) who use the "Mrs. Jane Smith" name are divorced, not widowed.

I agree, she should have contacted the OP privately and told her what she prefers.

My mom, aunts grandmothers would have been upset too. It doesn't upset me if I receive an envelope addressed to Mrs. Robbi Doe but I automatically register that it was done incorrectly at least according to the etiquette classes we had drilled into us at school.

 

[DisneyCrazyMomma]

Wow! I haven't read all the posts just the first couple, but here is my two cents. First of all, you addressed it "correctly" - 2nd of all, WHO CARES? I hope you called your "friend" on her post on FB - that is ridiculous. What is wrong with people? I definitley would cross them off the list for next year.... with friends like those.....

 

[cabanafrau]

How has the other woman been embarrassed? I don't think she thinks she embarrassed herself.

And the OP did NOT make a social faux pas as, last I knew, her way of addressing envelopes is still considered correct by the current etiquette rules.

Also, I think any form of diplomacy and subtle decorum would be lost on the other woman. Anyone who would not personally, privately address a small offense such as that, but tries to openly, publicly embarrass, poke fun of or humiliate another person who was being thoughtful & sending well wishes, seems to be lacking that level of social grace.

Um, it was tongue in cheek.

It answers the social clod in the forum she chose without being overtly hostile, but gets the message across all the same.

 

[mom-2greatkids]

Add me to the list of people who have been offended being addressed as "Mrs. John Jones". I am "Mrs. Jones", "Mr. and Mrs. Jones", "Sally Jones", and "The Jones Family", but I most definitely am not "Mrs. John Jones" or "Mr. and Mrs. John Jones". While I would have made a comment to DH about the envelope and we would have laughted about it, I never would have posted anything on Facebook.

 

[joviroxx]

I will never understand people getting offended by others who are trying to be kind and polite. You might not like it, but the other person is not being purposely rude. To get offended because someone else's polite might be old fashioned to you, is just ridiculous and crass. Preferring something different is one thing, actually being offended is silly to me. Someone is trying to be nice and all you can see is how they wrote out the envelope.....

I tell you, we are all going to have to take weekly classes to keep up on everybody else's preferences and new connotations for words because so many are so busy needing to feel offended that they can't appreciate anything else in life and feel the world needs to revolve around their personal views. Intent is so much more important.

 

[jgh]

I guess you can't make everyone happy.

Maybe we should all start addressing our envelopes as such:


Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
OR
Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe
OR
Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Doe
OR
Jane and John Doe
OR
John and Jane Doe
OR
The Doe Family
OR
The Doe and Smith Family
OR
*INSERT YOUR PREFERRED NAME HERE*
1234 First Street
City, State, Zip



I mean GEEZ, really?! Be glad you have people that think highly enough of you to send you a card. With that kind of attitude you won't get anything anymore!

 

[themilesfamily]

*INSERT YOUR PREFERRED NAME HERE*
1234 First Street
City, State, Zip

I'm going with...

Hey You
1234 First Street
City, State, Zip

 

[epcot.girl]

But it's not considered outdated by everyone and that's the point. Many women still change their name and even embrace the idea of being thought of as "Mrs. John X". In fact many (including myself) actually despise the silly 'Ms.' designation and all the pomp and circumstance surrounding this "I am a person too" debate. Are we now supposed to call everyone before we address their envelope to determine how how they prefer to be addressed? I guess this stuff just never ceases to amaze me. Don't people have bigger fish to fry? I know I do...I don't care what you call me (well, within reason ).

Nothing 'silly' about wanting to keep your marital status private. Male titles don't advertise their marital status, so I think it's perfectly reasonable that many females also don't want a title that screams 'I'm married/single'.

The facebook girl in the OP was tactless and inappropriate but I can see where she's coming from. I am NOT 'Mrs [Hisfirst] [Hislast]' so it would be incorrect to address me that way. I would find it pretty bizarre and a little insulting to be addressed that way, regardless of what some stupid etiquette book says.

That said, I wouldn't post it on facebook, especially if the sender was on my friend list. That's just passive-aggressive, and kind of dumb.

 

[2girls4me]

I'm going with...

Hey You
1234 First Street
City, State, Zip

FTW!!!

 

[joviroxx]

Nothing 'silly' about wanting to keep your marital status private. Male titles don't advertise their marital status, so I think it's perfectly reasonable that many females also don't want a title that screams 'I'm married/single'.

.

Do they not wear wedding rings? I don't know, but most (yes not all) married people wear rings which screams.. IM MARRIED!

 

[joviroxx]

I'm going with...

Hey You
1234 First Street
City, State, Zip

LOL! Maybe Prince was onto something when he changed his name to a symbol!

 

[SaraJayne]

Nothing 'silly' about wanting to keep your marital status private. Male titles don't advertise their marital status, so I think it's perfectly reasonable that many females also don't want a title that screams 'I'm married/single'.

Is it supposed to be a secret you're married?

 

[focusondisney]

Maybe, maybe not. I can't imagine that too many people ever have conversations with family/friends about how to address their envelopes so how would they know? Bottom line is it's really not all that important in the grand scheme of life so why get so bent out of shape about it? Doing so, to me, suggests that someone is perhaps alittle too wrapped up in themselves.


But it's not considered outdated by everyone and that's the point. Many women still change their name and even embrace the idea of being thought of as "Mrs. John X". In fact many (including myself) actually despise the silly 'Ms.' designation and all the pomp and circumstance surrounding this "I am a person too" debate. Are we now supposed to call everyone before we address their envelope to determine how how they prefer to be addressed? I guess this stuff just never ceases to amaze me. Don't people have bigger fish to fry? I know I do...I don't care what you call me (well, within reason ).

to the bolded! I was proud to be my DH's wife 34 years ago and I still am today. I don't think being identified as his wife is an insult in any way!

I was taught to address envelopes back in grade school, over 40 years ago. My family & friends don't sit around talking about how we want our mail addressed. So maybe I'm old fashioned, but since I haven't taken another class in letter writing since then, I just kept doing it as I was taught. I guess if anyone I know has been offended, they've been nice enough not to complain.

No, I hear you....and I do agree that your friends should "know your name". My name is Pam and that's what my friends should call me of course. But that's very different than knowing how to address me when sending me something in the mail. Are they just going to just write "Pam"? "Pam and Steve"? "Pam and Steve X"? "Mr and Mrs X"? "Mr and Mrs Steve X"? Mr and Mrs Pam and Steve X"? "Pam X and Steve X? Ms Pam X and Mr Steve X"? Actually I never even legally changed my name so 17 yrs later legally I'm still "Pam Y". Should they know that and write "Pam Y and Steve X"? "Ms Pam Y and Mr Steve X"? Does it ever end?????? lol

My point it that is complicated and no matter how you write it some nincompoop somewhere is going to be offended. Sadly for some it will always be a matter of what you did to/for or didn't do to/for me, me, me

ETA: the one exception I would make would be if one's friend was a staunch feminist who always made it clear that this was some sort of major issue with her as in that case it would be inconsiderate to then go against her requests. That would be the exception not the rule however and probably doesn't apply to 99% of the people who would "choose" to take issue with it.

We have actually gotten mail from a nephew & his wife addressed with first names only a few times! We think her Mom (an immigrant from about 25 years ago) did the envelopes. Once it was "Myname & Hisname" (no last name). Once it was "Aunt Myname & Uncle Hisname". (again, no last name). We thought it was an interesting way to address an envelope & were more impressed that the post office actually got it delivered correctly!

Hi all! Sorry I fell asleep last night while dis-boarding! This thread sure did take on a lot of pages while I slept. Just to be clear, this woman DID take her husbands last name when they got married, she was offended by the fact that I did not use her first name on the envelope. The funny thing is, I did not take my husband's last name, I kept mine, and I get mail addressed to Mrs Myhusbandslastname all the time. It really never occurred to me to be offended by that. I don't sweat the small stuff.

I did respond to her facebook post, this was my response:

I see you got my card! Glad to see you picked up on the fact that I was making a concerted effort to insult you. Mission accomplished! And now I know that you got the message I obviously intended, I assure you will not have to worry about how your card is addressed next year.


My comment has has 16 likes so far. She has not responded or commented.

I love your response! It amazes me what some people find to get offended by.

 

[packedforadventure]

I know lots of women who didn't change their names, but none would have been offended. Certainly, none would have flipped out on facebook about it. It's funny how facebook has become a place grievances. If you really are upset by something, you should nicely talk to the person about it, rather than jumping on FB.

http://www.alwayspackedforadventure.com

 

[stsomewhere]

I have been married for 17 yrs. I would rather have mail addressed to me as Mrs. my first name last name. I am my own person. If it is addresses to both of us Mr and Mrs. DH firstname last name. I don't have a problem with it.

I would never post it on FB. The only one who still does is DH grandma.

 

[tiffjoy]

I never changed my last name. Mostly just cause i like it and its who I am. Also works well because we work at the same company, so it's nice that customers only know we are married if we tell them.

I get mail addressed as Mrs DH's last name. Or wedding invites as Mrs DH first name last name. No biggie to me. I often socially refer to myself with DHs last name for my daughter's things like preschool or Sunday School stuff; she of course has his last name, so just for continuity, I use it to.

Interestingly, his parents send mail using my last name for me. My mom sends mail and uses his last name for me. Lol. I get a chuckle out of her passive resistance to my refusal to change my name. I don't mind either way. I am me no matter what people call me.

ETA- my husband has been referred to with my last name. He doesn't care, either. OP, that was do incredibly rude and immature if the card recipient.

 

[goofinoff]

Must be nice not to have anything else in life to worry about besides how a Christmas card is addressed! And to put it on Facebook knowing that you would see it is classless!!! I hope, in light of today's events in CT, that she counts her blessings and realizes just how ridiculous she is being!!!

OP your response was great! Good for you! I'm guessing she is no longer your facebook friend??