Non-residential parents and step-parents

[SillyMe]

First of all do you call your ex's wife stepmonster in front of your son?? Second of all, I would NEVER let dh's ex in our house. I really don't see any reason for it. DH just said he would never let his ex in our house. Do you let the ex and his wife into yours? Sounds like you have a whole lot more problems here than just a hairdryer.

Another thing...you said you just don't see a reason for it. How about to show the children how to respect people? To show them that you respect their mother (even if you don't). You want them to respect you as a step-mother, don't you? Then you have to earn it and show them what respect is.

 

[BuckNaked]

Regarding the 'territory' thing. I am not sure I would want my kids spending the night in any home where I wasn't welcome to cross the threshold. That is just strange.

I think it is the signature of an insecure person.

 

[SillyMe]

Regarding the 'territory' thing. I am not sure I would want my kids spending the night in any home where I wasn't welcome to cross the threshold. That is just strange.

Good point. I wouldn't either, because I want to see that the place is fit for my children to be there.

 

[Sherri]

I would go out of my way to see that they step children felt comfortable, heck, I make sure that my kids friends are comfortable when they come over. Comfort is a very important thing to me, I guess because once upon a time I was the visiting step child.
Sorry about your difficult situation. It sounds like you are dealing with some pretty petty people.
My friend goes through this with her children and her ex and his wife.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it is the signature of an insecure person.

I think that is true. I would probably just deal with it...I would obviously not forbid my kids to see their father if their stepmother was that insecure. But, it would bother me that they were so hostile and cold about it. What are they thinking, you will rob them blind or something?

 

[SillyMe]

I think that is true. I would probably just deal with it...I would obviously not forbid my kids to see their father if their stepmother was that insecure. But, it would bother me that they were so hostile and cold about it. What are they thinking, you will rob them blind or something?

Nope. My guess would be..."this is MY husband now, MY house, not yours."

 

[poohandwendy]

Nope. My guess would be..."this is MY husband now, MY house, not yours."

yeah, you are probably right. It's funny that some people assume that the fact that you were married to him once makes you some threat.

I remember my fathers wife once told me that she was sure my mother was still in love with my father. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
a) My fathers wife never met my mother, not once...didn't know her from a tree stump
b) my mother had not seen or had contact with my father in OVER thirty years and not only didn't love him, but disliked him greatly, to put it mildly.
c) She probably wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a line up, it had been so long since she had seen him.
d) If he was pointed out to her, she wouldn't have spit on him if he was on fire. (a whole other can of worms, in and of itself)

I do have to say, this sort of jealousy stuff seems to happen amongst the women more than the men, in divorce situations. Most of the time, the men want to move on (especially if they are remarried). (just what I have seen in general, I know there are exceptions)

 

[NMAmy]

yeah, you are probably right. It's funny that some people assume that the fact that you were married to him once makes you some threat.

I find this amusing, too. My ex's wife (whom he had an affair with while we were married) has a fit if he has any contact with me when she's not around to supervise. And I just want to say, "Trust me, honey. You DO need to worry about every other woman he meets but he is perfectly safe with ME. I know how he is and wouldn't take him back on a silver platter."

 

[marlasmom]

I have to tell you how much I admire my wonderful niece. Her husband is older and his kids are grown. She welcomes them, babysits for them. At Christmas she has a blow-out dinner, onion soup, lobster, filet mignon and Santa Claus comes for the little ones with presents she has picked out and wrapped for each of them. She felt sorry for her husband's ex for missing the fun and invites her too. THe ex wife appreciates it and gives my niece a hug. The kids are all comfortable.

 

[ilovejack02]

I just dont understand not allowing the woman that gave birth to your spouses child into your house.

I guess if there were stalking issues, false accusation issues of course then i get it. But like i said before we didnt always get along with my DH's ex, but good Lord im was not going to stand on the front porch or in the driveway to discuss things when she came to pick up or drop off DSS.
Someone said there is no reason for it, sure there is.... to show the kids respect for their mother and to try and get along for their sakes because that is what is best for them.
Now if she or he is a kleptomaniac then maybe that is a good reason

 

[Kath2003]

I live 200 miles from home. If I go visit my parents, I take as little as possible with me, because I have to carry it on the train. While I'm there, they and my sister let me use shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, hair drier, hair straighteners, socks (yes, I don't take socks - they have plenty), pyjamas (again, they have plenty), any items of clothing I'm missing (my sister and I have near-identical wardrobes anyway), sanitary products, food, drinks etc.

When my family and friends come to visit me, I would lend them all of those things. They usually don't borrow clothing etc. but I wouldn't bat an eyelid if they did. What's the point in packing a bag full of stuff when the person you're staying with has all those things? If you resent them being there and using your things, you shouldn't invite them in the first place.

Some people really need to realise that if they date a man/woman who has a child, that child is, or should be, that man/woman's priority over everything else in the entire world. If they can't handle the fact that their partner has responsibilities, they shouldn't be with them.

 

[SillyMe]

Some people really need to realise that if they date a man/woman who has a child, that child is, or should be, that man/woman's priority over everything else in the entire world. If they can't handle the fact that their partner has responsibilities, they shouldn't be with them.

You're right, but unfortunately some parents don't even make their children their first priority, so the step-parent won't either. This is pretty much the case with the OP, too.

 

[Kath2003]

I agree, however the parent has already made his/her decision to have that child (even if it was a mistake, they made the decision to do the dirty with that partner knowing that contraception is never 100% reliable).

The step-parent or partner has to make their decision knowing full well that that child is already in the world. They are an informed adult. They can walk away from the responsibilities of step-parenting or choose not to be with that person.

 

[sweet angel]

I've never stalked him, or him me. She will come here on occasion to pick DS up, but she stays in the car and beeps the horn. I'm not quite sure why it's fine for her to come here (and make comments about my house, etc to my son), but I can't go there. Heck, I'd invite her in, but my dogs would probably eat her (good doggies!).

When my son was little, he wanted us to all be together for Christmas Eve, so ex-H and stepmonster made dinner and DS, ex-BF and I all went over there. I swear she put something in the meatballs to kill me. I was in such pain all night. Seriously...I don't think she was trying to kill me.

Point is...she used to be somewhat hospitable. Not quite sure what changed.

A week or so ago, he left something he needed for school at their house. I called and asked when I could pick it up. Ex-h wasn't home, but stepmonster said, "Oh, I was going to run out to A&P (opposite direction), so I'll just drop it off." I said, "A&P is the opposite direction...I don't want to trouble you, I'll just pick it up." She said, "No....I'll drop it off. I'll be there in 10 minutes."

 

[SillyMe]

I agree, however the parent has already made his/her decision to have that child (even if it was a mistake, they made the decision to do the dirty with that partner knowing that contraception is never 100% reliable).

The step-parent or partner has to make their decision knowing full well that that child is already in the world. They are an informed adult. They can walk away from the responsibilities of step-parenting or choose not to be with that person.

Oh I absolutely agree with you.

 

[sweet angel]

I don't think being a mother was ever a thing stepmonster wanted to do. She just took it on because of ex-H. She's told me, "If I wanted to have kids, I'd have done it years ago."

ex-H is a year older than I am. She is 11 years older than he is. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

She had a totally different mindset and is in no way, shape or form, in touch with today's kids. Heck, my PARENTS are more in touch with kids today than she is.

 

[SillyMe]

I don't think being a mother was ever a thing stepmonster wanted to do. She just took it on because of ex-H. She's told me, "If I wanted to have kids, I'd have done it years ago."

ex-H is a year older than I am. She is 11 years older than he is. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

She had a totally different mindset and is in no way, shape or form, in touch with today's kids. Heck, my PARENTS are more in touch with kids today than she is.

She actually said that to you? What a *****. She should never have gotten involved with him then. That's her own fault.

 

[froglady]

I just don't get it. I have a stepchild who borrows something of mine, and I don't want him to. I would just go out and buy him his own, problem solved.

But since I have the problem, and I'm the adult, it's up to me to solve it.

 

[ilovejack02]

I don't think being a mother was ever a thing stepmonster wanted to do. She just took it on because of ex-H. She's told me, "If I wanted to have kids, I'd have done it years ago."

ex-H is a year older than I am. She is 11 years older than he is. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

She had a totally different mindset and is in no way, shape or form, in touch with today's kids. Heck, my PARENTS are more in touch with kids today than she is.

Wow , well you ex DH is a dufus for getting involved with her. He set his son up with a stepmother that isnt real interested in having his child around. Your son could have had a fabulous stepmother to love him along with you guys and you XDH gave him this witch. Thats real nice. My husband told me upfront love me/love my child if you dont like it you can hit the road.
Thank God Brad was a cutie

 

[sweet angel]

She actually said that to you? What a *****. She should never have gotten involved with him then. That's her own fault.

She said that to me right after New Years...