Non-residential parents and step-parents

[disneychrista]

My kids always lugged things back and forth. If they didn't bring it they did without. Pretty sad to not feel at home at their dad's house. And to feel like second class citizens, compared to the step-siblings.

 

[ilovejack02]

Yes, my thoughts exactly. If the young man uses a hair-dryer, why doesn't he have one???? I would not have even have put him in the position of having to ask Step-Mommie-Dearest to use her personal items.

If his dad is not looking out for him while he has cutostody, then so what. This is not about that. It is about doing what is right for the son.

I hope the OP will very strongly consider the above suggestions about providing her son wiith some nice travel gear and personal accesories.

Really, I know the OP is frustrated. But to come here fishing for agreement on how awful the Stepmom and the Dad are, like it is some kind of competition or argument... Not good. Hopefully the OP is not contributing to putting her son in the middle.

If you go back and read the op's post you will see that at 9 am she was asked to buy a hairdyer for when daddy was to pick up child at 9:30 am so she said no. She also said in a later post that she is going to go buy the child one. She honestly shouldnt have to buy him one. I share my hairdyer with my stepson all the time and if i didnt want him to use it I would buy him one. That stepmom is being a total WITCH and i cant believe the father lets her. If i tried to pull that crap on my stepson my husband would throw my behind out of the house even after 12 yrs of marriage. The OP also already posted that she does send all other toiletries.

 

[mickeyfan2]

OMG, I would make sure they had everything they needed to feel as 'at home' as possible. Bring their own shampoo? That is awful. I don't expect that of out-of-state guests, we always stock some extras.

ITA.

It is important to make them feel that they belong there and are not just passing through.

 

[Cool-Beans]

It never really dawned on me to buy him a hairdryer. We share one at home. I shared my mom's when I lived at home. Didn't really seem like an issue. It's not like sharing a toothbrush.

It's nice to know that they do squat for him, but I'm being petty.

I think they are 100% the petty ones. But if he needs a hairdryer, I'd go get him one. It absolutely sucks that you have to be the one to do it and he has to be the one to haul it around, but no reason he should lose out because his dad and step-mom are jerks, you know?

That's my take, anyway.

One day in the not to distant future, your DS is going to remember that his dad wouldn't do any more for him than he absolutely had to...and it will affect their relationship. Your ex is going to lose out in the long run over stupid crap like this.

 

[sweet angel]

For the record, I didn't come here for right vs. wrong. I came here to vent and to see what other people in similar situations do.

This man...and I use that term loosely...sees his son ONLY every other weekend and never for the full allotted time. He does not see him "one night a week", "alternating school holidays and breaks" or "two weeks vacation time in the summer".

When they bought their current house, my son told me that the house came with a shed and "Dad thinks it will be really cool to turn it into a bedroom for me. It will be my 'shedroom'." I put the kibosh on that fast. No 11 or 12 year old needs a separate apartment. I've never been inside the house -- stepmonster will not allow it.

He is allowed to use the phone at Dad's house but only for 5 or 10 minutes. His showers are limited to 5 or 10 minutes as well...and they will shut the water main off after that amount of time. They have a computer, but no internet -- he's not allowed to bring video games (because she views them as a babysitter), and the only tv he is allowed to watch there is when they "watch tv as a family". Other than that, he's got a few board games there ("Sorry" is one they just bought him for Christmas, "Battleship" is another) and that's about it.

Any Christmas gifts or money that he gets from ex-H's family are required to stay there.

There are no step-siblings.

Both ex-H and his wife hold full-time jobs.

Frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask that THEY buy him a hairdryer or toiletries to keep at their house.

Generally speaking, ex-H and I are on good terms, but he simply will not stand up to his wife when it comes to his son or anything else.

 

[Disney Doll]

I feel badly for you and your DS. All you can do is to keep on showing him how much you love him. As others have said....his father will suffer someday for putting his wife above his child.

"Karma" has a way of evening the score, and it ain't always pretty. Somebody ought to send Dad the Harry Chapin song "Cat's in the Cradle".

In all honesty, does DS even like to go there? I wonder if he would prefer not to, but just feels he "should"??? Is that a conversation you have ever had with him? Do you think ex-H would balk if DS said he didn't want to go??? Sounds like step-M would throw a party!

 

[ilovejack02]

For the record, I didn't come here for right vs. wrong. I came here to vent and to see what other people in similar situations do.

This man...and I use that term loosely...sees his son ONLY every other weekend and never for the full allotted time. He does not see him "one night a week", "alternating school holidays and breaks" or "two weeks vacation time in the summer".

When they bought their current house, my son told me that the house came with a shed and "Dad thinks it will be really cool to turn it into a bedroom for me. It will be my 'shedroom'." I put the kibosh on that fast. No 11 or 12 year old needs a separate apartment. I've never been inside the house -- stepmonster will not allow it.

He is allowed to use the phone at Dad's house but only for 5 or 10 minutes. His showers are limited to 5 or 10 minutes as well...and they will shut the water main off after that amount of time. They have a computer, but no internet -- he's not allowed to bring video games (because she views them as a babysitter), and the only tv he is allowed to watch there is when they "watch tv as a family". Other than that, he's got a few board games there ("Sorry" is one they just bought him for Christmas, "Battleship" is another) and that's about it.

Any Christmas gifts or money that he gets from ex-H's family are required to stay there.

There are no step-siblings.

Both ex-H and his wife hold full-time jobs.

Frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask that THEY buy him a hairdryer or toiletries to keep at their house.

Generally speaking, ex-H and I are on good terms, but he simply will not stand up to his wife when it comes to his son or anything else.

HOLY MOLY!!! My DH would have divorced me if i even tried to pull a stunt like that. If they skip so much time with him, why even send him at all. Sounds like the new wife would be happy if he didnt come at all. Just a cpl of more yrs and the visits prob will stop!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP - OMG!!! I am so sorry your DS has to go through this. Not only shame on the SM but shame on your ex. How can he permit his child to be treated like this? And I can't believe that he would have wanted to put him out back in a building designed for the freakin lawnmower!! What a sad sad person he is.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Dad and sm are being petty in this case and I think I would make them work for it. I would call Dad up and tell him that if they feel son needs his own hair dryer there, then they should go ahead and pick up a reasonably priced one from Wal-Mart. If they don't feel it's something they should supply him and won't pay for it, then I would tell him to deduct it from next month's support check. It would give me some satisfaction (call me petty if you want) to make them actually have to go to the store and buy it, and if the guy can truly sit down and go to write that support check and take the time to deduct the $9.97 well I would just laugh at how pathetic he is.

 

[Evil Genius]

When they bought their current house, my son told me that the house came with a shed and "Dad thinks it will be really cool to turn it into a bedroom for me. It will be my 'shedroom'." I put the kibosh on that fast. No 11 or 12 year old needs a separate apartment. I've never been inside the house -- stepmonster will not allow it.

First of all do you call your ex's wife stepmonster in front of your son?? Second of all, I would NEVER let dh's ex in our house. I really don't see any reason for it. DH just said he would never let his ex in our house. Do you let the ex and his wife into yours? Sounds like you have a whole lot more problems here than just a hairdryer.

 

[disykat]

It never really dawned on me to buy him a hairdryer. We share one at home. I shared my mom's when I lived at home. Didn't really seem like an issue. It's not like sharing a toothbrush.

It's nice to know that they do squat for him, but I'm being petty.

No one called you petty!

 

[NikiM20]

Did noone notice the fact that the ex called his child support the OP's second paycheck?

I dont know what her situation is, but my bestfriend gets child support and that doesnt even begin to cover everything she needs for her child.

People need to wake up and realize this is about the child and not the money (This is not directed at you OP , just a general statement)

 

[ilovejack02]

When they bought their current house, my son told me that the house came with a shed and "Dad thinks it will be really cool to turn it into a bedroom for me. It will be my 'shedroom'." I put the kibosh on that fast. No 11 or 12 year old needs a separate apartment. I've never been inside the house -- stepmonster will not allow it.

First of all do you call your ex's wife stepmonster in front of your son?? Second of all, I would NEVER let dh's ex in our house. I really don't see any reason for it. DH just said he would never let his ex in our house. Do you let the ex and his wife into yours? Sounds like you have a whole lot more problems here than just a hairdryer.

My husband's ex has been in my house several times and i have been in hers more times than i can count. Whats the big deal? She would come by to pick up DS and need to talk to us and she would come in and visa versa it seemed crappy to make her stand on the front porch to talk about an issue. I have dropped by her house to drop off a child support check because it was due in the middle of the week and knocked on her door and gave it too her. Usually one of her little ones were around and they would drag me in, or my stepson would be in his room so i would go in and say hi. Im not gonna lie, we DONT LIKE each other for the most part, but she appreciates me because i love love love her son and she tells me all the time and tells others. I think she is a loving mother, but just way to permissive. My stepson has been with us for about 2 yrs now and very rarely goes to visit, because of some issues, but i do try and encourage him to visit her sometimes if only for his siblings. She and I talk about once a week to keep her updated about him and she still pays his cellphone bill. It is such a shame people cant get along for the kids sake. Our motto is JUST FAKE IT lol. We have always faked it for Brad Dont get me wrong we def fought over the yrs.... but we always made up.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

well all I can say is that was pretty much raised in a barn in terms of manners and social niceties, my Mother was the anti-Bree Vandekamp

However even I was taught that when somebody comes to your house to spend a couple of nights, they get a bed with clean sheets and a stocked bathroom.

To deny that on purpose to a minor child who is already being put into an uncomfortable step-family situation is just about as uncouth and low class as it gets.

Feel free to print out my post and send it over to her.

 

[Daisy Chick]

First of all do you call your ex's wife stepmonster in front of your son?? Second of all, I would NEVER let dh's ex in our house. I really don't see any reason for it. DH just said he would never let his ex in our house. Do you let the ex and his wife into yours? Sounds like you have a whole lot more problems here than just a hairdryer.

I doubt the OP calls her son's step-mother names in front of him. Like she said, she's venting.

Some exes manage to get along for the kids' sake, some just can't. Either way, it seems a shame to take it out on the kid by making him feel like some kind of "guest" in what ought to feel like a second home.

This is his FATHER. You'd think he'd want his son to feel comfortable. You'd think he'd want to provide basic things like shampoo and a hair dryer, wouldn't you? I'm sure your husband wants that for his kids, right?

And if the step-mom is all up in arms about having to share her hair dryer, he ought to either tell her to grow up or go buy a second one for the kid.

Imagine a grown woman throwing a fit about having to share a hairdryer!

 

[sweet angel]

My ex-husband is in my house every other weekend to pick up his son. Yes...he comes in, plays with my dogs, sees whatever is new in my son's room and even looked at my water heater when it was acting up (he does heating and air conditioning by trade). So I don't see why I wouldn't be allowed in their house. Actually, they don't even like me to drop my son off there...it's like they don't want me anywhere near the house.

 

[disykat]

Imagine a grown woman throwing a fit about having to share a hairdryer!

There is not a single person here who hasn't agreed that the noncustodial parents in this situation here are being petty and should be providing him with toiletries to use at their home.

I just don't see proof that the step mom "threw a fit" about sharing her hairdryer. She may well have assumed he had his own and asked him to bring it. I honestly think, on this one point, that it is quite possible it never occured to her she was asking his mom to BUY him one by asking him to bring his own.

Obviously people differ on this point. Some people feel that the blowdryer is a household appliance that an entire household shares, some see it as a personal item. I mentioned this blowdryer thing, not to accuse the OP of anything or to insinuate that the ex's are innocent (everyone here has agreed they're not), but rather to point out that THIS PART of her difficulty with the stepmom could be a simple misunderstanding and differing viewpoints.

 

[sweet angel]

To be clear...when he called his dad this morning, the stepmother said, "Make sure you tell him to bring a hairdryer because he's not using mine."

 

[disykat]

To be clear...when he called his dad this morning, the stepmother said, "Make sure you tell him to bring a hairdryer because he's not using mine."

Which I think, while it may not sound very friendly, proves my point that she assumes he has one to bring.

I still think that this is a misunderstanding between you. She thinks she is asking him to bring his blow dryer. You think shes telling you to buy him a blow dryer for their house.

Someone needs to communicate to them that he doesn't have his own blow dryer and ask to get one for his use at their house.

I'll repeat again - I'm not trying to say they are wonderful. I think they should go get him a blow dryer for goodness sake. I'm just saying that they probably don't realize he doesn't have his own.

 

[sweet angel]

Which I think, while it may not sound very friendly, proves my point that she assumes he has one to bring.

I still think that this is a misunderstanding between you. She thinks she is asking him to bring his blow dryer. You think shes telling you to buy him a blow dryer for their house.

Someone needs to communicate to them that he doesn't have his own blow dryer and ask to get one for his use at their house.

If that's the case, perhaps, "I'd prefer he not use mine, could he bring his own?" or perhaps, "Hey Chris, do you have a hairdryer you could bring here?" Maybe those would be better options. Or, here's a thought...maybe HIS FATHER could speak TO ME about it, instead of her telling DS.