Non-residential parents and step-parents

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Do you require the kids to bring their own stuff when they come to your house? For example, are they required to bring their own shampoo? What if they can use yours, but don't like it? Would you buy them the one they liked -- within reason?

Are they required to bring their own deodorant? Hairdryer? Etc.?

I think if I was a non-residential parent, I would stock my child's stuff so he would feel at home when he came here and he would have his own stuff -- not have to borrow -- and not have him bring everything from home.

Discuss...

I would most definitely have a supply of toiletries and clothing for a child who did not live here all the time. Of course, as they get older (teens) I can see them carrying certain things back and forth (special hair and skin products, favorite outfits, etc.). I would offer to buy them the products they like, but as they get older, they get so finicky and fashion conscious, I don't even know if it would be possible!

I think, in the end, the important part is making them feel that each home is just that, "home". Making them feel like they're "borrowing" simple things like toiletries or putting you out by having their own personal preferences would make them feel like a stranger in their own home...in my opinion.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

I would make my home my child's home-away-from-home for the time he spent with me. I would consider that my duty as a parent. He would have his own room -- not just "the guest room". He would have the things that he would have at home -- and I don't mean necessarily all the video games, computer, etc., but a space that was "his".

The step-monster told me once that they have no discipline problems with him there...ever....because "We have rules for him here." My response was, "He's got rules here too. I think you have no problems with him because he's a 'guest' there, not a family member."

Poor guy. I didn't read through all the posts before I posted. I can't imagine a "parent" allowing a spouse to treat their child like this - but, I know it happens. Spineless jerk.

How awful to be made to feel like an inconvenience. I'm sorry for him and you (I know it must be so hard as the mom to have to watch your son deal with this).

I believe in karma - what goes around, comes around. Stepmonster will get hers...one day.

 

[korbbec]

I always just used what was there for toiletries- I don't ever remember it being an issue. I packed a weekend bag with clothes. I think I brought my deodorant back and forth. My dad married a woman who had 4 kids. They all lived in a 3 bedroom apartment. When my bro & I were there it was 8 people in a small 3 bed 1 bath apartment- so leaving clothes or having our own space was not really an option, but that is just how it was there. We never felt like outsiders.

I feel sorry for your DS. If my step mom ever told me I was not welcome to use her hairdryer it would have really upset me- that is so cold.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Thank you. No...they let him use it a couple times, but now the stepmonster hides it and says I need to buy him one so he doesn't burn hers out.

What an *** - I've had the same hairdryer for, I don't know, 10 years!!! How long does a boy use a hair dryer anyway?!!

What a spiteful, jerky, evil woman...

Mom - I should have kept reading before I posted the last two posts -

Knowing he's 15 - (I have a 13 and 18 year old with finicky, teenage tastes), I suggest getting him a swarmy overnight bag and get him his own manly toiletry bag (for razor, Axe - my boys drown in that stuff, skincare stuff, toothbrush, etc.). I would get the hair dryer for him to pack in his manly overnight bag and bring back and forth.

The woman is an idiot. Absolutely. But, there's no sense even trying to figure her or her motives out. You'll teach your son that sometimes you just have to bite your upper lip, take the high road and take care of yourself.

He's getting older and will, hopefully, be doing small trips with school and friends and to see colleges, so having this bag will come in handy in other ways as well.

Again, I am so sorry people suck...

How much you all want to bet that the evil witch starts complaining about her electric bills when this poor boy starts using his own hair dryer?

 

[VirtuallyMe]

It is a sad thing- and I have seen it a few times- don't agree with it.

I think clothing should be one of those back and forth things- but I do understand why some "non custodial parents" buy some items for their homes and the kid goes home in "home" clothes- and vice versa- where the kids show up with minimal items

I have a friend whose husband left her for another woman who had two kids the same ages as their own children- when they went for a visit with dad they went with plenty of clothes- and came home without many of them- but with the other kids clothes- because the other kids wanted to "borrow" them- that was wrong- So next time she sent them back only with the clothes that didn't belong with her kids- things like their new school jackets stayed at "Dad's" with no replacement at home- and dad's step kids were wearing his kid's clothes... it really was sad. This same dad did Christmas but wouldn't allow the kids to take any of their gifts home... because the stepkids liked to play with them too and he was worried they'd go home and never return

I can totally understand having some "at other parents house items" that stay there- like video games, dvd's cds even- but I would think for the most part the kids would be able to track them back and forth- (in an ideal world) And I also think things like toothbrush, shampoo, hair dryer etc should be at both homes-

I mean my kids grandparents keep toothbrushes and shampoo for all the grand kids- they may not have each kid's special shampoo but there is usually more than one type to choose from, hair dryers, hair straighteners, barrettes and pony tail holders etc. And both keep some things like night clothes at their homes too- incase the kids decide last minute to stay the night there is something there for them to wear... My MIL used to watch my kids more often- she lives in another city but would have my older two sometimes 2 weeks out of a month before they started school- she used to keep clothes at her house- for them to wear- usually one dressy outfit for going to church and pjs and underwear, and a few play clothes- that way we didn't have to pack as much stuff each time...

 

[Blondy876]

Wow, I'm 32 and a child of divorce and I had no idea that many kids kept things at the non-custodial parents house. I don't know why it never occurred to me. When my parents divorced my Mom didn't want me so my Dad got custody and Mom got visitation. When my little sis and I would spend the night with our Mom I had to bring everything, even a sleeping bag. I slept on the living room floor. If I wanted a pillow I had to bring that too. My sister got a bed. That seemed normal to me.

 

[SillyMe]

It's his father's responsibility to have what he needs when he visits them. Not yours.

 

[Disney Doll]

My children were required to remove their shoes and leave them on the apartment steps and had to take off their clothes and leave them inside the front door because "the clothes from your mother's house are dirty and we don't want them in here". The ex's wife announced that she should not have to buy "your period stuff" to my daughter in front of my son and the ex. The kids also had to empty their pockets of any change (money for a pay phone in case of an emergency) because it was "time for you to start helping with groceries when you are here". Interesting concept for kids in elementary school. These were factors (although relatively minor to the other stuff) in my kids' decision to go through family court mediation and end all contact with them 7 years ago. The mediator said it was all about his getting even with me for leaving him and her believing I was the cause of their financial problems. I bet she's had her eyes opened since then

The best revenge is living well, isn't it?

 

[christineann]

You bet - my kids and I are very close, and they recognize me on Father's Day as well as Mother's Day, since they say I am both to them.

 

[Forevryoung]

My cousin was in a similar situation- his parents divorced when he was 2 (he's 20 now) and his dad remarried and now has 3 or 4 daughters (my cousin's half-sisters).

My cousin was never made to feel a part of his dad's family and his dad never tried to stay close to him.

When my cousin was 13 or so he was staying with his Dad and his Dad and him got into a fight (normal 13 year old thing). Instead of his dad dealing with it, his dad KICKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. My cousin had to walk down the street to a payphone so that he could call my GRANDMA to pick him up because his mother was on vacation (the only time she could have to herself). I dont think he's spent the night since then.

My cousin (19 at the time) got into some trouble with the law and had one phone call to make. My aunt (his mom) was in South Africa (family there) and he called MY MOM instead of his dad! He knew she would help him faster and with a better attitude than his "dad".

When my cousin was 8 or 9, his dad told him that he pays his mom to keep him.

 

[Caradana]

I'd buy the kid the cadillac of hair dryers. Get one of those amazing ionic ones. Tell him to use it in front of his stepmother. Then, put it back in his bag and zip it up. Conspicuously.

Your 15-year-old must really love his dad to put up with this kind of crap from his stepmother.

 

[Evil Genius]

The only thing my step kids have ever brought over from their moms house has been clothes, underwear and socks. Everything else that they want or need we buy.I put toiletries and things like that in a plastic box and that is what they use when they are here. When they run low on something, we go to the store and they pick out what they want. We've done that since they were little. Towels, hairdryers etc, they use what dh and I use.


Can I just say that there are two sides to every story? I am a step mom and I have seen dh's ex do things that would make your hair stand on end. She has stretched the visitation and holiday schedule so out of whack at times that we didn't know until an hour before if the kids were coming or not. I know some step parents are truly horrible people, and you have to wonder what they thought it was going to be like once they married a person with kids. But please let's not throw all of us in one boat.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Knowing he's 15 - (I have a 13 and 18 year old with finicky, teenage tastes), I suggest getting him a swarmy overnight bag and get him his own manly toiletry bag (for razor, Axe - my boys drown in that stuff, skincare stuff, toothbrush, etc.). I would get the hair dryer for him to pack in his manly overnight bag and bring back and forth.

I think we have a winner here!!!!!

I do not know what all your DS has now, but I would make sure he has the most impressive looking wheeled flight-bag, leather kit for all his personal items, etc... etc... This is for your son's own good. I would have him wheel his belongings into their home like a well-to-do business traveler checking in to a five star hotel.

This is not about who is 'right' or 'wrong'. And, it is not about 'who pays'. It is about what is best for your son. At this age, he really should WANT his own personal effects.

And, everyone is right. Your son is indeed seeing what *****'s his father and his stepmother are being. You really do not have to make a big deal out of it and point it out to him.

Let it go!!!

 

[SpecialK]

My ex-BIL used to pull this kind of garbage all the time - sadly enough it all came out of his sick mind, no new spouse involved. My nieces and nephew are pretty much grown up now, and not one of them wants anything to do with him. What goes around comes around.

 

[hentob]

Thank you. No...they let him use it a couple times, but now the stepmonster hides it and says I need to buy him one so he doesn't burn hers out.

What an evil witch

Your poor son

 

[FSUGrad97]

I'd buy the kid the cadillac of hair dryers. Get one of those amazing ionic ones. Tell him to use it in front of his stepmother. Then, put it back in his bag and zip it up. Conspicuously.

Your 15-year-old must really love his dad to put up with this kind of crap from his stepmother.

ITA!

IMO, it's even more sad that the father allows the stepmom to act this way about his own child.

 

[disykat]

While I certainly agree it sounds like they are being uncooperative and petty, and I don't see why they don't go out and buy him a hairdryer to use while he's at their house - I don't see the not wanting to share the hairdryer as an issue at all! I don't share mine.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the stepmom to not want him using hers. I'm surprised he doesn't have his own already. I bought my kids one the minute they started using one regularly. I don't want to have to go looking for mine in their bathroom, I don't want my kids coming in and out of my bathroom and rumaging through my drawers every day, and yes - I like this particular hairdryer and I'd like it to last longer!

The issue is that they should want their home to be a second "home" to him and provide him with the things he needs to make him comfortable while he's there. I would think it makes sense to have doubles of some things so he doesn't have to cart too much stuff back and forth. I think you need to have a conversation with them about what things will be provided there and what he needs to pack.

If they are quibbling about shampoo, do they expect him to bring his own snacks, his own spending money, etc.? I'm curious. Does he have his own bed, drawers for clothes, closet space, a drawer in the bathroom, etc.?

If he has those things there, and it is truly about the hairdryer - maybe the stepmom assumes he has one and just isn't bringing it. I doubt she even realizes he shares one with his mom. To me, if he brings his own toiletries, then "bring your own hairdryer" doesn't sound that unreasonable. I always travel with my own. It is only recently that you see them in so many hotels etc. as part of the provided equipment. While it seems to me that they should just go out and buy him one, could it be that the stepmom simply sees the hairdryer as part of the stuff he would pack for any kind of overnight?

 

[NMAmy]

Well, my ex and I have joint custody of our 16 yo dd and the child pretty much packs everything she owns when she goes from house to house but she has some overpacking issues. Apparently you need a choice of 47 t-shirts for 7 days.

She has what she needs at both houses and she's allowed to take anything that's hers back and forth as she wishes.

The only thing we've really had problems with are socks, of all things. I buy that child roughly 6 big packages of socks each year and somehow her stepsisters end up with all of them. I guess from reading this thread it could be much worse so I'll just suck it up for another few year and put socks on everybody.

 

[Wishing on a star]

While I certainly agree it sounds like they are being uncooperative and petty, and I don't see why they don't go out and buy him a hairdryer to use while he's at their house - I don't see the not wanting to share the hairdryer as an issue at all! I don't share mine.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the stepmom to not want him using hers. I'm surprised he doesn't have his own already. I bought my kids one the minute they started using one regularly. I don't want to have to go looking for mine in their bathroom, I don't want my kids coming in and out of my bathroom and rumaging through my drawers every day, and yes - I like this particular hairdryer and I'd like it to last longer!
...
If he has those things there, and it is truly about the hairdryer - maybe the stepmom assumes he has one and just isn't bringing it.

Yes, my thoughts exactly. If the young man uses a hair-dryer, why doesn't he have one???? I would not have even have put him in the position of having to ask Step-Mommie-Dearest to use her personal items.

If his dad is not looking out for him while he has cutostody, then so what. This is not about that. It is about doing what is right for the son.

I hope the OP will very strongly consider the above suggestions about providing her son wiith some nice travel gear and personal accesories.

Really, I know the OP is frustrated. But to come here fishing for agreement on how awful the Stepmom and the Dad are, like it is some kind of competition or argument... Not good. Hopefully the OP is not contributing to putting her son in the middle.

 

[sweet angel]

It never really dawned on me to buy him a hairdryer. We share one at home. I shared my mom's when I lived at home. Didn't really seem like an issue. It's not like sharing a toothbrush.

It's nice to know that they do squat for him, but I'm being petty.