Non-custodial parent phone calls to children

[Kath2003]

Who said I wasn't listening to that advice? This is what I don't understand. I don't know exactly what is gonna happen. My wife has to talk to the father and they have to work it out.

At this point, I'm only trying (stupidly) to defend myself.

Because you're on the defensive, constantly. You don't need to defend yourself. You need to take both the advice and a slice of humble pie, thank those who took the time out of their day to help you solve this problem and go and try these solutions. You don't need to start telling us that the ex won't pay for a cell phone etc., you need to go start solving the problem.

You may not be trying to come off as rude but if you're constantly sniping back on the defensive every time anyone suggests their opinion (which they are entitled to and you may not agree with), it makes everyone else snappy and defensive too, and then we get into a big vicious circle.

(Which is why I suspect you and the ex don't see eye-to-eye on many things, in that I suspect he's probably exactly the same...and that's my opinion, I AM telepathic TYVM and you don't have to agree with me one iota.)

 

[SwedishMeatball]

*sigh*

No matter what a stepparent does or does not do they are ALWAYS wrong.


BTDT for over thirteen years custodial dealing with a borderline personality disorder narcissistic addict...

I just find it astounding how the moment one becomes a stepparent they lose ALL rights, but yet people outside the family think they have a say in it all and make assumptions.

I think calling in the evening is sufficient...when he gets older a cell phone would be an excellent idea. If it was taken to court the constant calling would not be allowed.

Best Wishes to you and your family.

Hey, another poster said we're not allowed to bring our personal baggage to this thread.

 

[boomhauer]

You may not be trying to come off as rude but if you're constantly sniping back on the defensive every time anyone suggests their opinion (which they are entitled to and you may not agree with), it makes everyone else snappy and defensive too, and then we get into a big vicious circle.

Kath - You seem like a nice person. A reasonable person. When you have the time, please re-read this thread (and any others that I have posted) and look how many times I thank people for their advice.

And then, please look at any "rude" or "defensive" posts I have and look at the one it's being referred to. I can GUARENTEE you, I am not rude to anyone unless they are rude, judgemental or sarcastic to me first. Doesn't make it right, but it is true.

 

[ilovejack02]

*sigh*

No matter what a stepparent does or does not do they are ALWAYS wrong.


BTDT for over thirteen years custodial dealing with a borderline personality disorder narcissistic addict...

I just find it astounding how the moment one becomes a stepparent they lose ALL rights, but yet people outside the family think they have a say in it all and make assumptions.

I think calling in the evening is sufficient...when he gets older a cell phone would be an excellent idea. If it was taken to court the constant calling would not be allowed.

Best Wishes to you and your family.

LOL actually thats not so true.. it took yrs but i finally figured things out..PUT THE KID FIRST lol and all went smoothly after that. Dh's ex has even told me what a good stepmom I am. I have made mistakes yes, but learned alot over the yrs and one of those i learned was I couldnt always be in the decision making and I couldnt push my husband to bend to my will on how i wanted things to go LOL.. he and the EX had to work it out. What i learned was to be there for my sweet stepson and love him no matter what... OH and to spoil the hell out of him.. I was kinda like his fairy Godmother lol. I Love that boy with all my heart and he loves me alot too. Sent him off to college this week and boy I miss him!!!!
I couldnt ask for a better outcome to our relationship than all that love we have.

 

[bananiem]

When you have the time, please re-read this thread (and any others that I have posted) and look how many times I thank people for their advice.

Which you gloss over and then try another tactic to get more attention or comments. We know. We get it.


Tool.

 

[SereneOne]

Hey, another poster said we're not allowed to bring our personal baggage to this thread.

Obviously many of you all are or they would not automatically assume that the step is in the wrong...

Again, if it was taken to court there would not be constant, incessant calling allowed.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Here is my last piece of advice: Stop going to Disney 3X or more a year so you can afford a $19.95 cell phone and a monthly card of 90 minutes for $19.95. An investment of $20 a month. If your son goes over the minutes with his dad, dad can pay for more or that is it for the month. $240 a year to not have dad calling YOUR phone. It might be cheaper to get a $14 basic landline too! Give your stepson a way to have free access to his dad. Itzaz simple az dat!

DING DING DING!!! We have a winner!!

 

[NMAmy]

And as I stated, he doesn't pay for anything extra. He pays child support.

One thing I've learned since my divorce, is that paying for something that makes my dd's life better and helps her relationship with BOTH parents is worth it.

I'd also recommend your wife checking her divorce decree. Mine says that the parent the child is not with is to have unlimited, unrestricted telephone access to the child. And, if it's long distance, then whichever parent she is with will foot the bill.

One thing that works for us is that I've learned to just let go of all the little annoyances. My ex doesn't care if he annoys me and it only upsets dd. I learned to let it go, not keep count of who is paying for what, and my ex and I have a much better relationship.

 

[hydster]

Here is my last piece of advice: Stop going to Disney 3X or more a year so you can afford a $19.95 cell phone and a monthly card of 90 minutes for $19.95. An investment of $20 a month. If your son goes over the minutes with his dad, dad can pay for more or that is it for the month. $240 a year to not have dad calling YOUR phone. It might be cheaper to get a $14 basic landline too! Give your stepson a way to have free access to his dad. Itzaz simple az dat!

But, but, but, but.......................... that isn't convenient!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

you are right in that incessant calling would not be allowed.

However, many people would not consider 3 calls when bedtime is approaching and the Father knows the window for calling is closing "incessant."

You want to know what also wouldn't be "allowed?" Disconnecting phone lines and blocking access of communication with the child.

Boom I'm sorry, but you and your wife CHOSE to disconnect your landline. You really haven't left the Father with any option other than calling your wife's cell phone. Also, I'm sorry but sending an email is not harassment. Your wife is free to ignore the email at her leisure until she has time. If you don't like it, then set up a phone with an answering machine for God's sake.

But let the kid have a relationship with his Dad.

 

[SereneOne]

LOL actually thats not so true.. it took yrs but i finally figured things out..PUT THE KID FIRST lol and all went smoothly after that. Dh's ex has even told me what a good stepmom I am. I have made mistakes yes, but learned alot over the yrs and one of those i learned was I couldnt always be in the decision making and I couldnt push my husband to bend to my will on how i wanted things to go LOL.. he and the EX had to work it out. What i learned was to be there for my sweet stepson and love him no matter what... OH and to spoil the hell out of him.. I was kinda like his fairy Godmother lol. I Love that boy with all my heart and he loves me alot too. Sent him off to college this week and boy I miss him!!!!
I couldnt ask for a better outcome to our relationship than all that love we have.

LOL it is VERY true

I belonged to several step sites and it was and is very very true in many many cases.

I have a great relationship with my bonuschildren. It is other people automatically assuming things and thinking they have say and you dont that gets tiring. For example, you call the bonuschildren your son or daughter when you introduce them...oh how dare you! Who do you think you are? They are NOT your children! Then if you introduce them as stepchildren...oh how dare you differentiate between them and your children...how do you think that makes them feel? Seriously! Small issue, but it builds with many instances of crap like this.

My ex and I made decisions based on what was in the best interest of our son, and that also meant including other people in the family in on what was best interest. Just because parent's divorce does not mean everyone loses their rights and needs and wants except the COD. Just like in the "original" family, there is give and take and it should be that way in a step one too.

OP...just know as a stepparent you will always be in the wrong. My opinion is a time everyday for them to talk that is agreed upon and as he gets older a cell phone. That way the son gets time with his father which is very important and you all keep your sanity, also important.

 

[SereneOne]

you are right in that incessant calling would not be allowed.

However, many people would not consider 3 calls when bedtime is approaching and the Father knows the window for calling is closing "incessant."

You want to know what also wouldn't be "allowed?" Disconnecting phone lines and blocking access of communication with the child.

Boom I'm sorry, but you and your wife CHOSE to disconnect your landline. You really haven't left the Father with any option other than calling your wife's cell phone. Also, I'm sorry but sending an email is not harassment. Your wife is free to ignore the email at her leisure until she has time. If you don't like it, then set up a phone with an answering machine for God's sake.

But let the kid have a relationship with his Dad.

You are right about that. They chose to disconnect the phone line and that would be frowned upon. I agree!

We got rid of our phone line because noone but telemarketers called it. But then again, all our kids have cell phones but our four year old. They are 19,18, 17 and 16....pay their own phone bills, thank goodness!

 

[phorsenuf]

Just curious. Is there a particular reason why the dad has started calling so often and concerned where his child is? Was he not be able to talk to him for a while and was concerned. Seems a little odd that a father would start calling repeatably for no reason.

 

[TiggerStac]

I think it is all what works for the family & situation. Hubby and I have custody of our niece. Her dad has never been involved in her life. Her mom calls pretty much every other day. Sometimes she calls everyday...sometimes I don't answer it everyday. I have 3 kids that I'm trying to feed and get ready for bed, etc. Not too much time, when I get home around 5:15ish and bed time is 7:30. We need to be there to monitor calls. In our situation, our niece is young and only talks for about 1 minute or less and hands the phone off to us.

Not sure what will happen in the future, if we still have custody.

 

[tjmw2727]

I admit to not reading all of the thread - got through the first few and last few pages.

However, my best friend divorced a few years ago and her was about 6 or 7 at the time, in first grade, my dd and her dd are also close friends. Things went along smootly until her ex hus started dating and my friend really, really disliked the new girlfriend. Long story short new girlfriend didn't want ex calling at all - ever. Which is understanable who wants to talk to the ex right? Except for the issue of wanting to talk with your daughter or wanting your daughter to speak with her mom/dad which they both wanted.

So even though it was quite a few years ago - before younger kids having cellphones was common that's what they did. They split the cost of the phone and the plan and this way both parents could call their daughter without speaking with the x or the x's SO's. The phone was to be used for no other purpose and that rule was enforced and respected.

I got my dd a tracphone for school last year (45 minute bus ride each way) and it was only 19.00 for the phone and we add minutes as needed. Most months I get e-mails with a great offer to extend the minutes and or roll over time.

This way if the Dad wants to call the son he can, if your son is busy he can explain and call back later, Visa Versa for your wife. IMHO this is a win/win and the minimal cost is well worth the peice of mind.

My dear friend is now a step mom and finding it a wonderful experience. She often tells me it does require some "thinking outside the box" and extra patience. However the time and effort she has put in over the past 3 or so years is now paying back tenfold for her, her dh and her dd.

Good Luck
TJ

 

[Mkrop]

Boom_

I think you need to stop assuming what is going on in the Bio dad's head before anyone has talked to him. He may step up and pay if not then you move to Plan B which might invlove reinstalling the landline or a cell for the son.

Plus I think your wife needs to talk with the dad and let him know that in no way shape or form are you guys trying to keep the kid from talking to him but life is not always that simple and if we are somewhere where talking is not convient we will have son call asap. Explain that if we are out at dinner for exxample I would rather have son call you after the meal is done so that you can have a decent conversation that isnt rushed bc hot food is getting cold etc. Tell him you dont want the calls to end with anyone him or your wife or the kid getting frustrated so maybe a set time would work but if not feel free to call but if son is not available we promise to do our best to have him call asap. Another thing is to let the dad know of any key times that you know already will not work, like from 6 to 7 bc he has soccer practice or something. Or if you know you are going out to eat take 5 minutes b4 and have son call dad and leave a message "hi dad we are going to mall for dinner, we will be back at 7" I think these types of things could go a long way for all parties invloved.

Also I think I remember from one of your other psots about the son not calling home when he is with the dad, the cell phone thing might kill 2 birds with one stone and allow your wife to call and ask the dad for the same respect you are giving him about returning calls.

It needs to be a two way street for the sons sake.

Best of luck!

 

[boomhauer]

Just wanted to say, as I see it's been brought up - We got rid of the land line about 3 years ago. He just started calling a month ago. One had nothing to do with the other.

We just found that we weren't using it. It was a waste of $40 a month.

 

[boomhauer]

Boom_

I think you need to stop assuming what is going on in the Bio dad's head before anyone has talked to him. He may step up and pay if not then you move to Plan B which might invlove reinstalling the landline or a cell for the son.

Plus I think your wife needs to talk with the dad and let him know that in no way shape or form are you guys trying to keep the kid from talking to him but life is not always that simple and if we are somewhere where talking is not convient we will have son call asap. Explain that if we are out at dinner for exxample I would rather have son call you after the meal is done so that you can have a decent conversation that isnt rushed bc hot food is getting cold etc. Tell him you dont want the calls to end with anyone him or your wife or the kid getting frustrated so maybe a set time would work but if not feel free to call but if son is not available we promise to do our best to have him call asap. Another thing is to let the dad know of any key times that you know already will not work, like from 6 to 7 bc he has soccer practice or something. Or if you know you are going out to eat take 5 minutes b4 and have son call dad and leave a message "hi dad we are going to mall for dinner, we will be back at 7" I think these types of things could go a long way for all parties invloved.

Also I think I remember from one of your other psots about the son not calling home when he is with the dad, the cell phone thing might kill 2 birds with one stone and allow your wife to call and ask the dad for the same respect you are giving him about returning calls.

It needs to be a two way street for the sons sake.

Best of luck!

Thank you. Very good points.

 

[boomhauer]

Just curious. Is there a particular reason why the dad has started calling so often and concerned where his child is? Was he not be able to talk to him for a while and was concerned. Seems a little odd that a father would start calling repeatably for no reason.

I have no idea.

 

[Cool-Beans]

There was a line in the movie "Clueless" that I loved. "You divorce wives, not children." Your wife may have divorced the guy, but the kid didn't. Now she's taken up with you. You knew she had an ex and a kid. If you couldn't handle that, you shouldn't have married her.

But you did marry her. So, suck it up, be a grown-up and figure out how to make it work for the kid.

I'm not one of those folks who think children should always be put first, but this is a case where he should be first. The kid, by all rights, ought to be able to LIVE with his dad and see him every day. But, he got screwed when the parents divorced. I don't think talking on the phone with dad should be taken away, too.

The kid should talk to his dad you have no business interfering there.

When you don't like the fact that your wife's ex calls or your stepson talks to his father, just tell yourself, "I signed up for this j-o-b and now I have to do it and if I don't like it, that's just too damn bad, because I signed up for this j-o-b..." Repeat.