No "immediate bonding" at birth-do you not have a good relationship with your child?

[goodstarr]

Inspired by the "birth plan" thread, almost all of the plans request "immediate bonding". What I'm wondering is if there is not "immediate bonding", like when the baby is sick and has to be rushed to the intensive care nursery, or if mom was totally sedated for the delivery and didn't wake up until the recovery, do you feel that you are not close with your baby because of it? I see this request often and wonder about the effects of the parent/child relationship if it isn't accomplished. I understand that parents don't want to be separated from their babies for an extended period of time (like going to the nursery for hours while the baby is washed, etc.), but how much does an initial separation for a short period of time affect the parent/child attachment?

 

[Cruise04]

I did not have immediate bonding because I was so dead tired (was in labor 2 1/2 days by the time she came) but we have the best relationship that I've ever seen a mom and daughter have. I wouldn't trade it for the world....

 

[CEDmom]

Our DD was adopted at 9 months. DH and I are the only parents she has ever known and we have bonded as well as any newborn baby/parent. If you don't put forth the effort the bond will not be there no matter what the genetic link is.

 

[Princess Dot]

Gosh, I have read so many studies on this and it seems to me that no matter when you first hold your baby you can establish a wonderful "bond". IMHO, I think too much has been made of this need for immediate contact after birth. I told my nurses that I wanted my baby cleaned up before I held her(this was at my hospital with my friends as my nurses). It was funny , the doctor after delivering her tried to just plop her right on my chest and my nurse promptly swept her up. cleaned her off, wrapped her up and then I held her.

Please don't flame me, but eventhough I am a nurse I get kind of grossed out when moms are kissing and hugging their newborns all covered with "bodily fluids" like you see on A Baby Story, etc. We try to wipe them off as best we can while the baby is laying on moms belly or chest, but in the "old days" we always took them right to the warmer and cleaned them up before handing the baby to mom.

Getting back to the bonding though, I have seen wonderful bonds between adoptive parents and children, some who met years after the child was born. So I doubt that a few minutes or even hours will harm the bonding process if medical problems are the reason.

Thats not to say that it is very hard on parents not to be able to hold their babies right after birth. But even in the NICU, touch is always encouraged and just talking to your baby is a form of "bonding".

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Well, my DD was placed on my chest right away and stayed there until I was ready to give her up. She did not cry at all and just looked at me. That being said, I think my DH and parents held her more in the first few hours than I did. I was just drained, physically and emotionally. DD and I have a great bond though.

 

[Barb D]

My 4yo was gray and not breathing at birth, and had to be resuscitated. No, we didn't get to bond immediately, but she is ALIVE! And sweet.

 

[Gette88]

When DD was born I was under gas (emergency C-Section) but I think they laid her on my chest, not sure. Anyway when I came to I held her once then was taken to intensive care for 5 days. I had toxemia. I didn't hold her again until I was moved back to the reg. floor. I was devasted. I thought for sure she would bond with nurses instead of me. I made sure DH and my Mother feed her whenever possible. They wanted to send her home without me, but DH said no. She was our first and he was very upset about me and had no idea how to take care of a baby. Anyway, we are very close, if anything she's always been a mommy's girl. She is 13 now and I do use that story as guilt sometimes.

 

[Feralpeg]

I didn't bond with DD right away. I was out after having an emergency C-section. I don't know of any mother and daughter closer than we are. It's what happens in the years following that count!

 

[Serena]

I was out too, and I can't imagine being any closer to her than I am now.

 

[Kimberle]

My dd was born by emergency C section at 29 weeks. I was completely under. My dh was not allowed in. She was taken to NICU by a team of Neonatologists. I went to recovery to wake up and was on a morphine & something else who's name I don't remember drip for the pain and to bring down my extremelly high BP. I was very sick and she was very sick.

I was allowed to see her for the first time about 26 hours later. She was in a NICU tray, on a vent, covered in suran wrap. I was not allowed to hold her for another 10 days.

She is now 5 and we are very close.

 

[browneyes]

My nephew had to be airlifted to another hospital shortly after his birth. He and his mom never bonded. Sadly, it shows 12 1/2 years later.

 

[Lisa F]

Originally posted by browneyes
My nephew had to be airlifted to another hospital shortly after his birth. He and his mom never bonded. Sadly, it shows 12 1/2 years later.

What makes you so sure that the reason they are not close now is because of that one single event and not whatever happened in the subsequent 12 1/2 years?

 

[holycow]

Ahhh, I didn't have the opportunity for immediate bonding after my 3rd ...but you will have plenty of time to bond in the coming months...believe me! She is my little sweetie!

Yikes I just read what browneyes said!...I think the bonding takes place when a parent makes and takes the responsibility of loving and CARING for your child!....not just while they are a newborn but when they are older too! ....my DS 15 and I have a wonderful bond...(I must say he does tend to the negative in life) but I keep trying to point out the positive!...he tells me daily he loves me and even sometimes in the car while driving somewhere he'll just reach out for me to hold his hand for a moment or too...

sniff, sniff....


HC

 

[Pete's Mom]

I think the term "immediate bonding" is a bunch of bunk. Of course, I loved my son when he was born, but honestly, when you think about it, you don't really know them and they are like little strangers. When they handed him to me right after he was born, I didn't even know how to hold him. I was like Princess Dot, "uh, nice, yes, gee thanks, could you um like clean him off? Thanks!".

Bonding is a process that happens over time, not "immediately". He is 7 now and we have always been and continue to be extremely close. As my son gets older, our love for one another continues to grow and he spent his first 5 days in the NICU so I don't buy into that hooey. Losing him as a baby would have been very hard emotionally, but the thought of anything happening to him NOW would be the end of my world.

Originally posted by holycow

he tells me daily he loves me and even sometimes in the car while driving somewhere he'll just reach out for me to hold his hand for a moment or too...

Pete holds my hand too sometimes. How sweet is that?

 

[BHFan25]

I think "bonding" is a load of CRAP. Well, I mean that you must "bond" with the baby immediately after the birth. Give me a break. I just adopted a 3 yo DOG who I am bonded to like a mom bonds with a child. Like Dot, I didn't want my baby until she was cleaned up. My sister said "oh, you'll change your mind." I didn't. And we are close. And have been since birth. (she's 10)

People that blame "not bonding" are hiding behind some other feelings that are going on between mother and child.

I think it is sad that people might make moms and dads who can't be with their children immediately after birth feel like they've missed the bonding experience. In fact, it is more than sad. It is pathetic to me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I didn't have immediate bonding with either of my girls. My oldest had serious medical issues and I think it did make a difference in her. I can't explain it. She was on life support and no one could touch her.
She made up for after she came home from the hospital however, she was still in serious condition and so sick, I think I (and dh) held her almost constantly for the next 3 months until she had her heart surgery.

My youngest I didn't get to "bond" immediately but she didn't have anything serious and I was able to bond with her later that day.

I don't think the immediate bonding is an issue but that the child is cared for and loved as an infant & toddler. That is when the bonding takes place. Over a span of time.

 

[MelessaG]

I agree with Pete's Mom, my DD#1 had a lot of problems at birth and they whisked her away immediately. I had problems too, and by the time I was recovered enough to see her-6 hours had passed and she screamed when they handed her to me. (the only times she had been picked up prior to that were for heel sticks and I think she thought that's what I was going to do) I tried to nurse her, she screamed. I tried to rock her, she screamed. She still needed monitoring, so I gave her back to the nurses and went back to my room in tears thinking she didn't want me as her mommy. They brought me back an hour later and she nursed fine and everything went smoothly. DS came out 2.5 years later pink and screaming and nursed almost immediately, and my relationship with him isn't any closer than the one I now have with DD#1, or DD#1 who was an easy delivery too. I had an earlier opportunity to bond with both of them, but it still takes a bit to get to know your little one-regardless of how they come into your life. If you want a bond and work at it, it will happen.

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by Lisa F
What makes you so sure that the reason they are not close now is because of that one single event and not whatever happened in the subsequent 12 1/2 years?

Because she has rejected him from the moment he was born. She has given him up numerous times and has told him over and over again she never wanted to have him. When he was born, he spent 2 weeks in NICU in another hospital. She went to see him 1 time. He has done nothing in his 12 1/2 years to warrant being rejected by his own mother. She has 3 other children and has never treated them as poorly as she has with him, her eldest child. The other 3 children were not taken away from her at birth to another hospital like he was.

 

[Kallison]

I didn't "bond" with my youngest, I had a bad natural childbirth, they were sending me home in 24 hours and I had a three year old and one year old waiting for me at home. I wanted to sleep, so they put refuses to bond with baby on my chart, because I made them keep her in the nursery for the night. She is nine now and as far as I can tell she doesn't need any psychological counseling to get over it.

 

[Denine]

DD is adopted. We met her when she was 9 days old and brought her home at 1 month. She is now 18 months and believe me, we are bonded!
Don't worry about it!