Need some parenting advice

[lillygator]

I actually don't have a clue!




Also dying to know!

Would someone be willing to PM me with what religion they think this is? I don't want to bring that discussion into this thread but now I'm dying to know!

add me to the list!

Wait...and then they refused to send the child home and were basically kidnapping her to bring her to church???

Oh hellno. There would have been cops there. Probably AFTER I punched the mother in the face and grabbed my kid. I'd get a restraining order, really I would. For the whole family, to stay away from my kid. It would insure they no longer try this kind of thing.

this - I would have been livid. I would also let the family know that my child is banned from their house.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--I agree with the majority here that this is mostly about the other parents encouraging your daughter to go against your wishes. I think it is very appropriate to keep your daughter from spending time with a family in which the adults actively try to engage your child in defying you (on ANY issue)

IF this is the religion I am thinking it is, part of my experience is that they very heavily push the idea of obedience (and this is the term they use). Our friends who shred this belief almost always had CDs from the church playing which extolled how important it is for children to obey parents, many Sunday school lessons centered on that very topic (their girls often shared their take home coloring pages with my kids, etc). Perhaps these parents would react better if you use this tenent of their belief to explain your position Maybe explain that you notice she tends not to obey you when she is at their house and that you feel in their excitement to share their religion they have inadvertently encouraged her lack of obedience. Not that it sounds like the have INADVERTENTLY done anything--but it gives them an out of they want to change their ways.

 

[cruisnfamily]

Would someone be willing to PM me with what religion they think this is? I don't want to bring that discussion into this thread but now I'm dying to know!

Can I get a PM too?

You must not be from Utah.

Oh, now I think I know...but I'll still take a PM confirmation.

Okay the religious aspect is kind of creepy to me. But the part that would infuriate me is that this parent is undermining the OP as a parent. If I tell another parent to send my child home and they don't immediately comply - that's a huge problem.

OP I think in this case it's best to ignore the religious issue. I would address the issue as a parenting issue, which it is. If there is a discussion with these parents I would simply point out to them that they are not respecting you as a parent, and as a result you no longer feel comfortable having your child in their care.



I'm sorry but do you have kids? Because I think most parents recognize that this isn't really about religion. These people aren't just "sharing their religion" they are crossing some major boundaries and undermining the OP's parenting.

If my neighbor is a vegan and raising their child a vegan. I may disagree but I don't have the right to bring their child to my home (against their wishes) and give them a steak. And I definitely don't have the right to refuse to send the child home and then cajole the parents into letting them eat steak.

This, this, this!!! That's exactly it!

 

[mnrose]

I have to agree with those who say you absolutely did the right thing. The most astounding thing is that the parents encouraged your DD to disobey you. Wrong on any level.

My DD's best friend (they are also 11) is from a religious family with views different from my own. When she has sleepovers at her friends house, she will accompany them to various church activities. BUT, her friend's mother asked my permission to have her along, and gave me every chance to say "no" without feeling guilt. This is exactly how it should be done. I have no problem with my DD exploring other religions, however, I do want to be given the chance to say no. That's where the family in OP's situation overstepped their boundaries.

 

[Liberty Belle]

The mother has crossed the line, so I think it's time to sit down with her and be completely blunt. You do not want to offend her for her beliefs, but you absolutely do not want your child involved in any of their church activities. Period.

I feel for your daughter. It's really unfair for the mother to put her in this position. We had a sort of similar situation with our neighbors. They kept inviting us to their church and wouldn't let up on my older son (then 15). Finally he went to a church activity with them and hated it. They kept asking me if he was going to come back and I told them as nicely as I could that he was a bit overwhelmed by it and didn't feel comfortable. They stopped asking.

 

[Liberty Belle]

This is about religion and you wanting your daughter to only practice what YOU find acceptable. This is one of the main reasons I hate organized religion and the people involved too clique and too closed minded. Beyond all the silly rules or idea the main idea is love and belief in a higher power of good. So why is it such a big deal that she MIGHT look into another religion? Because YOU don't like it? If you have instilled positive faith nothing will sway her and it's natural for teens to explore other religions and faiths. As long as they aren't practicing human sacrifice I wouldn't worry.

Just wanted to add: I'm not seeing why you banned your daughter? Why are you upset that they asked question about her faith? Isn't that the point to ask and discover and find answers?

I have always been very open about letting my children form their own beliefs. I've made a strong effort to allow them to do this and I have a big problem with other adults trying to coerce them. They are not telling the girl about their religion when she asked (which I'd have no problem at all with and I would actually appreciate it), but trying to coerce her into joining their religion. Big difference.

It's not the other family's business and they have no right asking personal questions and trying to force their beliefs on the OP's daughter.

 

[brockash]

i think the fact that the parents can't respect your boundries would be enough reason to not allow her to play over at the friends house. And it's not a religious thing - you could say it about any family activity that you're not comfortable with. How old is your daughter?

ita!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

If I'm thinking it's the religion that you say it is I can kinda see the fear but again all religions have done AWFUL things to other cultures/races. Women aren't allowed high positions in one of the major religions. Would you keep your daughter away from those who practiced it too?

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out of the equation. No they should not have taken your daughter after you expressed you didn't want her there. I just find it funny that everyone here is so against what these people did by taking the child somewhere the PARENT requested NOT to be and yet... just seems like a bit of hypocrisy is going on around here.

 

[Wall-E1]

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out the equation.

I agree. In this particular situation, I would not leave religion out of the equation. I would use it as a teachable moment for my child to learn about the dangers of cult like behavior.

 

[Alesia]

If I'm thinking it's the religion that you say it is I can kinda see the fear but again all religions have done AWFUL things to other cultures/races. Women aren't allowed high positions in one of the major religions. Would you keep your daughter away from those who practiced it too?

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out the equation.

It has nothing do do with religion. Period.

Imagine if you specifically told someone that you didn't feel comfortable with them taking your daughter somewhere, and they took her anyway. How would you feel about that?

 

[Conservative Hippie]

If I'm thinking it's the religion that you say it is I can kinda see the fear but again all religions have done AWFUL things to other cultures/races. Women aren't allowed high positions in one of the major religions. Would you keep your daughter away from those who practiced it too?

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out the equation.

You absolutely can take religion out of the equation. DD was told Friend could not come over, and she needed to stay home and do homework. Friend came over anyway, Friend proceeded to take DD to her own house without permission from OP. Friend called OP to try to convince OP to let DD go ____. OP said no, send DD home. Mom proceeds to call OP and try to convince her to let DD go ____. This is blatant disrespect for OP, encouraging her DD to disobey her parents. Like I said, it doesn't matter if ___ is church, Wal-Mart, feed the orphans, save the baby sea lions, whatever. You don't tell another child to go against their parents' wishes. A more appropriate action, if this other family is genuinely concerned for DD's soul, would be to tell DD to obey her parents (Ephesians 6:1-3).

 

[tlbwriter]

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out the equation.

Then you don't get it. This would have been inappropriate no matter what the other family was trying to convince her daughter to do.

I'm surprised you're having so much trouble with this - you have stringent boundaries for your own child and get angry with anyone who tries to undermine them, but you think this other person, who isn't even related, has the right to undermine the OP's boundaries?

 

[kidshop]

I haven't read all the posts but I wanted to chime in that this particular family is the main problem. They're crazy and obsessed. I know several families from Utah , my ds is very close with one and they are not recruiting! They're lovely.

It's boundaries and respect, and this family has none for you OP.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but you don't mention how old your eldest daughter is. I assume she is not yet a teen?

I only ask because when I was a kid, my brother & I routinely hung around neighbor kids who were homeschooled and part of a religious group that was very strict and their parents sometimes asked us to do church things with them. I was probably 14 or so so my mom said I could if I wanted to. I went once, thought it was weird and boring and never went again.

I would say a young child is probably too easily influenced to decide on their own if they want to go. But an older child might benefit some from being exposed at least once to another religion.

 

[Mkrop]

If I'm thinking it's the religion that you say it is I can kinda see the fear but again all religions have done AWFUL things to other cultures/races. Women aren't allowed high positions in one of the major religions. Would you keep your daughter away from those who practiced it too?

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out of the equation. No they should not have taken your daughter after you expressed you didn't want her there. I just find it funny that everyone here is so against what these people did by taking the child somewhere the PARENT requested NOT to be and yet... just seems like a bit of hypocrisy is going on around here.

No hypocrisy at all. No one should take your child where you dont want them to be period. The difference is they were not asking for free babysitting. When you get something for free, it is much harder to dictate what is happening.

 

[Alesia]

If I'm thinking it's the religion that you say it is I can kinda see the fear but again all religions have done AWFUL things to other cultures/races. Women aren't allowed high positions in one of the major religions. Would you keep your daughter away from those who practiced it too?

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out of the equation. No they should not have taken your daughter after you expressed you didn't want her there. I just find it funny that everyone here is so against what these people did by taking the child somewhere the PARENT requested NOT to be and yet... just seems like a bit of hypocrisy is going on around here.

In regards to your edit:

Any parent with any sense would not allow their children to be put in that situation a second time. I believe I said that to you before, and I'll say it to halloweenqueen now. The major difference being that halloweenqueen isn't planning on using this neighbor as a free babysitter.

No hypocrisy.

 

[Mixie]

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't see this as a "parent issue only" and I don't think you can take religion out of the equation. No they should not have taken your daughter after you expressed you didn't want her there. I just find it funny that everyone here is so against what these people did by taking the child somewhere the PARENT requested NOT to be and yet... just seems like a bit of hypocrisy is going on around here.

Of course it's a parent issue. The problem here isn't the fact that they are talking about religion to the child, it's that they are encouraging a minor child to disregard her parents' wishes. It would not matter why they were encouraging that behavior. There is no reason - whether it's religion or anything else under the sun - that would make such a thing acceptable.

I assume you think there's hypocrisy because posters disagreed with you on the thread where you were upset that your mother-in-law took your daughter somewhere you didn't approve of while she was babysitting. There's a crucial difference between your situation and the OP's. The OP isn't asking these lunatics to babysit her child (for free or otherwise). If she asked them to keep her child after school for free and then wanted to dictate what they were allowed to do while doing her that favor, I'm sure the responses would have been very different. That isn't what is happening here. These people have set their sights on this child and are encouraging her to be disobedient. That is not acceptable. She's willing to remove her child from the situation in order to control what happens to the child, which is what everyone was advocating on your thread. There's no hypocrisy at all.

OP, you are doing the right thing. These people shouldn't have any contact with your daughter at all. Clearly they can't be trusted to respect your boundaries for your daughter.

 

[perdidochas]

Mods...this question has religion as an element of my situation, but I don't think the debate is focused on that, but close if necessary. Thx.

My eldest daughter has a wonderful best friend. The one problem I'm having is her friend's family wanting to involve my daughter into their religion and church activities. I've talked to the mother before, expressing my appreciation that they would like to involve my daughter, but I do not wanting her participating.

I won't go into the type of religion, but I have many problems with it's history and doctrine. The mother has asked my daughter questions about our faith and I believe they think my daughter is someone they can convert.

I don't want to ban this child from my daughter's life, but it's become a big problem. Her friend will not take no for an answer. I told her just this afternoon that my daughter was not allowed to go to any church activities. The friend then said could they just play and I told her I would have my daughter call her after homework time. Ten minutes later she was at my door asking to "see" my daughter. They talked on the front porch and came inside and asked to play outside.

Fifteen minutes later I get a call from the friend's cell phone. It's my daughter and she is now at the friends house asking if she could leave with the family to go to church. I told her no, she wasn't even supposed to leave our street. The friend gets on the phone and tries to explain how I shouldn't worry and just let her go. I told her to tell my daughter to come home now.

Five minutes later I get a call from the mother of the friend. She says she wants to have a mother to mother chat with me. Tells me how they would like to include my daughter in their church activity, blah, blah, blah. I tell her my daughter disobeyed me and she needs to come home now. The mother then starts asking about my faith etc. I tell her to send my daughter home and hang up.

My daughter still isn't home. I'm giving her a couple more minutes and I'm off to go to the friend's house.

All religion aside, I think it's weird that this family is so insist that my daughter join them. Plus I now have to have a even bigger discussion about this religion to my daughter. I didn't want my views to reflect badly on this friend, but it's gone too far.

Any advice would be appreciated. Anyone else have this experience?

Sounds scary. I would tell the mother once and for all that your daughter is not allowed to go to their church, and that if they continue, she also will not be allowed to visit them at all.

I would tell my daughter my views on their religion, no holds barred. I would explain how it conflicts with our family religious views.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Then you don't get it. This would have been inappropriate no matter what the other family was trying to convince her daughter to do.

I'm surprised you're having so much trouble with this - you have stringent boundaries for your own child and get angry with anyone who tries to undermine them, but you think this other person, who isn't even related, has the right to undermine the OP's boundaries?

I really don't, I think the parent has every right to say who and where her child is around. I was just pointing out the hypocrisy.