Need some parenting advice

[FlightlessDuck]

I'm a bit fuzzy on how this whole thing went down.

Your child's friend's family has been trying to get her to go to church functions. You don't want her to. You have told your daughter this. Who else did you tell this to? You mentioned it to the friend? Only at the end you mentioned it to the friend's mom? Or did the mom know this before yesterday?

Have you told the friend's family before that you don't want her involved in their family's religion? If you just mentioned it to the friend, who is ... what... 12? ... that probably isn't good enough.

It was wrong for your daughter to leave your street. It was wrong for the friend to bring her to her house. I think you need to mention these things to the family.

I'm not entirely sure if I understand whether the parents were told you didn't want her involved in their religion before this incident (either that wasn't clear or my comprehension is lacking).

I think you need to have an actual discussion with this person's family explaining WHY you don't want her involved in their religion. If you are going to be standoffish about it, they are going to assume you are a non-believer and may continue to try to convert your daughter. Assuming this is a Christian religion, part of their charge as Christians is to convert others.

 

[perdidochas]

I'm a bit fuzzy on how this whole thing went down.

Your child's friend's family has been trying to get her to go to church functions. You don't want her to. You have told your daughter this. Who else did you tell this to? You mentioned it to the friend? Only at the end you mentioned it to the friend's mom? Or did the mom know this before yesterday?

Have you told the friend's family before that you don't want her involved in their family's religion? If you just mentioned it to the friend, who is ... what... 12? ... that probably isn't good enough.

It was wrong for your daughter to leave your street. It was wrong for the friend to bring her to her house. I think you need to mention these things to the family.

I'm not entirely sure if I understand whether the parents were told you didn't want her involved in their religion before this incident (either that wasn't clear or my comprehension is lacking).

I think you need to have an actual discussion with this person's family explaining WHY you don't want her involved in their religion. If you are going to be standoffish about it, they are going to assume you are a non-believer and may continue to try to convert your daughter. Assuming this is a Christian religion, part of their charge as Christians is to convert others.

Yes, but Christians are also taught to honor their mothers and fathers. Abetting a child in disobeying parents doesn't fit that.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm a bit fuzzy on how this whole thing went down.

Your child's friend's family has been trying to get her to go to church functions. You don't want her to. You have told your daughter this. Who else did you tell this to? You mentioned it to the friend? Only at the end you mentioned it to the friend's mom? Or did the mom know this before yesterday?

Have you told the friend's family before that you don't want her involved in their family's religion? If you just mentioned it to the friend, who is ... what... 12? ... that probably isn't good enough.

It was wrong for your daughter to leave your street. It was wrong for the friend to bring her to her house. I think you need to mention these things to the family.

I'm not entirely sure if I understand whether the parents were told you didn't want her involved in their religion before this incident (either that wasn't clear or my comprehension is lacking).

I think you need to have an actual discussion with this person's family explaining WHY you don't want her involved in their religion. If you are going to be standoffish about it, they are going to assume you are a non-believer and may continue to try to convert your daughter. Assuming this is a Christian religion, part of their charge as Christians is to convert others.

I agree with you that IF the OP did not directly tell the parents that she did not want her daughter going to any church activities with them then she needs to do so. My understanding from the OP s that she has indeed spoken directly to the parents previously.

I disagree about her having to explain WHY she does not want her daughter involved in their religion. It is none of their business at all what the OP and her family believe, or do not believe and they do not have to share that if they do not want to. I have just as much of a right to be a non believer as they do to believe in a higher power. Neither one of us has any right whatsoever to try to coerce the other's children into converting to our way.

 

[marcyinPA]

I'm a bit fuzzy on how this whole thing went down.

Your child's friend's family has been trying to get her to go to church functions. You don't want her to. You have told your daughter this. Who else did you tell this to? You mentioned it to the friend? Only at the end you mentioned it to the friend's mom? Or did the mom know this before yesterday?

Have you told the friend's family before that you don't want her involved in their family's religion? If you just mentioned it to the friend, who is ... what... 12? ... that probably isn't good enough.

It was wrong for your daughter to leave your street. It was wrong for the friend to bring her to her house. I think you need to mention these things to the family.

I'm not entirely sure if I understand whether the parents were told you didn't want her involved in their religion before this incident (either that wasn't clear or my comprehension is lacking).

I think you need to have an actual discussion with this person's family explaining WHY you don't want her involved in their religion. If you are going to be standoffish about it, they are going to assume you are a non-believer and may continue to try to convert your daughter. Assuming this is a Christian religion, part of their charge as Christians is to convert others.

I'm a Christian, and I've never believed that I must convert non-believers. My job is to share the Good News, to live my life in a way that makes others notice something "different" in me...but not to run around converting people who are not ready to commit their lives to Christ.

OP, religion aside, I agree with others here. This is about your daughter who disobeyed your rules, and your neighbor who does not respect your parenting choices. If you feel that you can't have a frank discussion with your neighbor to remove the religious aspect from this friendship, then I think the friendship needs to be ended.

 

[Alesia]

I'm a bit fuzzy on how this whole thing went down.

Your child's friend's family has been trying to get her to go to church functions. You don't want her to. You have told your daughter this. Who else did you tell this to? You mentioned it to the friend? Only at the end you mentioned it to the friend's mom? Or did the mom know this before yesterday?

In the original post she said:

I've talked to the mother before, expressing my appreciation that they would like to involve my daughter, but I do not wanting her participating.

I think you need to have an actual discussion with this person's family explaining WHY you don't want her involved in their religion. If you are going to be standoffish about it, they are going to assume you are a non-believer and may continue to try to convert your daughter. Assuming this is a Christian religion, part of their charge as Christians is to convert others.

Why should she have to explain anything? When a mother says "No." that should be the end of the discussion.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

This family has asked if my daughter could attend their church before. I am guilty of avoiding a religious discussion, so I usually made some excuse like we were going out to dinner or we had school obligations.

A month ago my daughter lost her band instrument and missed the bus because she was looking in lost and found for it. She called me very upset about losing her flute. I told her I would pick her up and reassured her that everything was okay. (the flute was found the next day)

She explained to me that her friend had stayed behind to help her look and she had already called her mother to pick her up. She said the mom volunteered to bring her home.

I was called a few minutes later. The mom was in the parking lot and explained they were running late for church since she had to pick up the girls. She asked if my daughter could go with then and she would drive her home afterwards. I told her no, because my daughter was upset and we needed to do homework and talk. I told her to leave my daughter at school and I would be on my way to pick her up. She then said it was okay, she would just drop her off on their way to church.

I guess I have a part in this because I never bluntly said I did not want my daughter going to their church. Even yesterday I told the mother the issue was that my daughter disobeyed. That was the reason I gave.

I will be more honest with this family in the future and explain that we value their daughter's friendship, but we do not want any involvement in their church or further discussions on our faith or lack there of.

This has all become a good teachable moment for my family. We discussed this during supper last night and we explained to our children that we did not feel comfortable with them attending any relgious function without us. We told them if they were curious about a certain religion that we would attend a service as a family and discuss things afterwards.

 

[scottishduffy]

Yes, but Christians are also taught to honor their mothers and fathers. Abetting a child in disobeying parents doesn't fit that.

Yeah, but some Christian sects will take conversion over parental obedience. The believe becoming Christian to be more important than obeying a non-believer parents mandate to stay away from church.

I went to High School that was very much based in this sort of "Christianity". We had a few students who were not Christian but went there because it was a good school. One particular boy came from a very devout Muslim Family. Several families at the school, including some teachers/administrators, made it their mission to introduce to the truth of Jesus. The parents were blunt with teachers and asked them to stop inviting him to after school bible studies and assigning extra work in him in Bible class because he was not of their faith. When teacher's couldn't get through other students (Children of teachers/ administrators/ PTA folks) then got on to the case. This boy literally became their project and staff held devotions to pray just for this boy's soul.

After about 2 years of persistent effort by peers and teachers, the boy converted. The parents immediately flipped and disenrolled the boy from the school as well as mandated he attend religious counseling at his mosque. The school responded by offering him free tuition to stay with the small school and having a school family take him into their home. His parents stated if he did not abide by their rules, he could not stay in their home. He was a little over 16 and another school family took him in and the school allowed him to attend for free.

At our next chapel it was a topic of discussion how this Boy has successfully been converted after over 2 years of trying. Instead of acknowledging they had made this boy a target, the whole school said a prayer that his parents would soon realize the error of their ways and convert. We then thanked the lord for providing a good "Christian" home the boy could stay in.

Not all Christians are like this, but don't doubt some Christian sects are. They see conversion and sharing the word a key element in their own eternal salvation.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm a Christian, and I've never believed that I must convert non-believers. My job is to share the Good News, to live my life in a way that makes others notice something "different" in me...but not to run around converting people who are not ready to commit their lives to Christ.

OP, religion aside, I agree with others here. This is about your daughter who disobeyed your rules, and your neighbor who does not respect your parenting choices. If you feel that you can't have a frank discussion with your neighbor to remove the religious aspect from this friendship, then I think the friendship needs to be ended.

I'm a Christian and that's exactly how I feel. Besides not infringing on others, I think it's more beneficial to them if they seek it out.

 

[padams]

This family has asked if my daughter could attend their church before. I am guilty of avoiding a religious discussion, so I usually made some excuse like we were going out to dinner or we had school obligations.

A month ago my daughter lost her band instrument and missed the bus because she was looking in lost and found for it. She called me very upset about losing her flute. I told her I would pick her up and reassured her that everything was okay. (the flute was found the next day)

She explained to me that her friend had stayed behind to help her look and she had already called her mother to pick her up. She said the mom volunteered to bring her home.

I was called a few minutes later. The mom was in the parking lot and explained they were running late for church since she had to pick up the girls. She asked if my daughter could go with then and she would drive her home afterwards. I told her no, because my daughter was upset and we needed to do homework and talk. I told her to leave my daughter at school and I would be on my way to pick her up. She then said it was okay, she would just drop her off on their way to church.

I guess I have a part in this because I never bluntly said I did not want my daughter going to their church. Even yesterday I told the mother the issue was that my daughter disobeyed. That was the reason I gave.

I will be more honest with this family in the future and explain that we value their daughter's friendship, but we do not want any involvement in their church or further discussions on our faith or lack there of.

This has all become a good teachable moment for my family. We discussed this during supper last night and we explained to our children that we did not feel comfortable with them attending any relgious function without us. We told them if they were curious about a certain religion that we would attend a service as a family and discuss things afterwards.

By making other excuses, you have created the situation. You need to flat out tell the mom that you don't want your DD to attend another church. No big religious discussion necessary. Merely say "Thanks for trying to include DD. We only participate in our faith." End of discussion.

 

[bdcp]

Yeah, but some Christian sects will take conversion over parental obedience. The believe becoming Christian to be more important than obeying a non-believer parents mandate to stay away from church.

I went to High School that was very much based in this sort of "Christianity". We had a few students who were not Christian but went there because it was a good school. One particular boy came from a very devout Muslim Family. Several families at the school, including some teachers/administrators, made it their mission to introduce to the truth of Jesus. The parents were blunt with teachers and asked them to stop inviting him to after school bible studies and assigning extra work in him in Bible class because he was not of their faith. When teacher's couldn't get through other students (Children of teachers/ administrators/ PTA folks) then got on to the case. This boy literally became their project and staff held devotions to pray just for this boy's soul.

After about 2 years of persistent effort by peers and teachers, the boy converted. The parents immediately flipped and disenrolled the boy from the school as well as mandated he attend religious counseling at his mosque. The school responded by offering him free tuition to stay with the small school and having a school family take him into their home. His parents stated if he did not abide by their rules, he could not stay in their home. He was a little over 16 and another school family took him in and the school allowed him to attend for free.

At our next chapel it was a topic of discussion how this Boy has successfully been converted after over 2 years of trying. Instead of acknowledging they had made this boy a target, the whole school said a prayer that his parents would soon realize the error of their ways and convert. We then thanked the lord for providing a good "Christian" home the boy could stay in.

Not all Christians are like this, but don't doubt some Christian sects are. They see conversion and sharing the word a key element in their own eternal salvation.

Sorry, but I don't get why some parents send their kids to faith based schools if they have a problem with what the school stands for? If you go to a school of a particular faith, you need to be prepared to be part of it. Faith based schools are there to not only give a academic education but also a faith based one. His parents made a decision to send him to a Christian school. You do realize a Christian attending a Muslim school would be exposed to a lot more and treated worse, right?

 

[Cinderella94]

I feel like the religious discussion has become too big a focus in this thread (and we did so well for a good 8 pages! ). But anyway, OP, the point is that you have the power to make whatever decision you want. I think banning your DD from going there was a wise decision.

 

[okeydokey]

Yeah, but some Christian sects will take conversion over parental obedience. The believe becoming Christian to be more important than obeying a non-believer parents mandate to stay away from church.

I went to High School that was very much based in this sort of "Christianity". We had a few students who were not Christian but went there because it was a good school. One particular boy came from a very devout Muslim Family. Several families at the school, including some teachers/administrators, made it their mission to introduce to the truth of Jesus. The parents were blunt with teachers and asked them to stop inviting him to after school bible studies and assigning extra work in him in Bible class because he was not of their faith. When teacher's couldn't get through other students (Children of teachers/ administrators/ PTA folks) then got on to the case. This boy literally became their project and staff held devotions to pray just for this boy's soul.

After about 2 years of persistent effort by peers and teachers, the boy converted. The parents immediately flipped and disenrolled the boy from the school as well as mandated he attend religious counseling at his mosque. The school responded by offering him free tuition to stay with the small school and having a school family take him into their home. His parents stated if he did not abide by their rules, he could not stay in their home. He was a little over 16 and another school family took him in and the school allowed him to attend for free.

At our next chapel it was a topic of discussion how this Boy has successfully been converted after over 2 years of trying. Instead of acknowledging they had made this boy a target, the whole school said a prayer that his parents would soon realize the error of their ways and convert. We then thanked the lord for providing a good "Christian" home the boy could stay in.

Not all Christians are like this, but don't doubt some Christian sects are. They see conversion and sharing the word a key element in their own eternal salvation.

This is disturbing beyond belief.

 

[okeydokey]

Sorry, but I don't get why some parents send their kids to faith based schools if they have a problem with what the school stands for? If you go to a school of a particular faith, you need to be prepared to be part of it. Faith based schools are there to not only give a academic education but also a faith based one. His parents made a decision to send him to a Christian school. You do realize a Christian attending a Muslim school would be exposed to a lot more and treated worse, right?

This doesn't make what they did any less terrible. I never take consolation in my actions by saying At Least I'm Not as Bad as That Guy. Wrong is just wrong.

 

[disneymom3]

I'm a Christian, and I've never believed that I must convert non-believers. My job is to share the Good News, to live my life in a way that makes others notice something "different" in me...but not to run around converting people who are not ready to commit their lives to Christ.

OP, religion aside, I agree with others here. This is about your daughter who disobeyed your rules, and your neighbor who does not respect your parenting choices. If you feel that you can't have a frank discussion with your neighbor to remove the religious aspect from this friendship, then I think the friendship needs to be ended.

Exactly. THe religion piece of it and how pushy they are would make me uncomfortable but the fact that my child disobeyed me and the mother was interfering and basically supporting her would make me furious! I think you are very wise here OP to only allow get togethers at your house. I would not trrust a parent who tried to override me like that. It is so NOT the religious aspect that would be the red flag for me.

By making other excuses, you have created the situation. You need to flat out tell the mom that you don't want your DD to attend another church. No big religious discussion necessary. Merely say "Thanks for trying to include DD. We only participate in our faith." End of discussion.

I completely disagree.. She doesn't have to defend anything about what her choices for her child are. Perhaps she has not dealt with it directly but she certainly didn't create it in anyway.

 

[scottishduffy]

Sorry, but I don't get why some parents send their kids to faith based schools if they have a problem with what the school stands for? If you go to a school of a particular faith, you need to be prepared to be part of it. Faith based schools are there to not only give a academic education but also a faith based one. His parents made a decision to send him to a Christian school. You do realize a Christian attending a Muslim school would be exposed to a lot more and treated worse, right?

Even the vast majority of Christian/ Parochial school are NOT like this. I happened to go to a rather crazy high school because it had the best education in the county.

I am Catholic, and went to this school. Several Muslims attended, several jewish kids attended. It was best education in the county and I'm sure many parents assumed it would be like other Christian school. Yes you are taught Christianity, and read the bible. Yes all morals and values are taught with a biblical basis. That can be handled, being educated about a faith is not a bad thing. If you are strong in your faith you can handle a little education about the other guy.

Where it crossed a line is when administrators/teachers started to target non Christian students. When those students were called out for special chapels aimed just at the non-christian students. When they were assigned to write papers about how Christianity was the only true faith and compare it to their own faith. I got a failing grade on that paper when I didn't propose Christianity to be more true than Catholicism. I also got held after school one day to discuss my 'faith'.

Thankfully the Catholic population was fairly large (and those parents fairly wealthy) so the school did not bother us too much. The one time they did they nearly lost a large bit of their student body. Other kids were targeted for conversion. Heck, we had a "Psychology of Prophecy" class elective in high school where in order to pass you had to convert at least one person you knew! I never took the class but heard from kids who did. They thought it was just a regular Psychology on the class registration, but when they showed up it was just an entire year of teaching them how to convert people and how to come back to every excuse/argument people could have for not believing.

The Behavior is wrong no matter. Saying "they would do it to us" doesn't make it right.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

By making other excuses, you have created the situation. You need to flat out tell the mom that you don't want your DD to attend another church. No big religious discussion necessary. Merely say "Thanks for trying to include DD. We only participate in our faith." End of discussion.

Oh, yes, I agree with this.

OP, I'm not being critical, but by skirting around the issue with the other mother, you did kind of turn this into a hard situation for everyone involved. Now, don't get me wrong, I agree that you have every right to not allow your child to attend church services with the other family and I do think the other mother over-stepped her bounds a bit, but I also don't think she knew the whole situation.

One thing I do want to ask, that I don't think has been addressed by anyone else is, has your daughter been the one asking this family to take her to church? I only ask this because we have a neighbor who is a friend of one of my girls and is in her class and she is always asking my kids, me and/or my husband if she can go to church with us. We are Christian/Methodists who live in an upper middle class suburb in the deep south. Other than my kids asking some of the neighborhood kids to go to Vacation Bible School with us during the summer, we don't make a habit of inviting people to go to church with us. Whenever this little girl asks to go with us, I always tell her to ask her Mom or to have her Mom call me because we would be more than happy to bring her with us. The Mom never lets her go, but the little girl continues to ask on a regular basis. It really makes me sad, because I feel like she is longing to go to church with us, but I not want to infringe on their family and their beliefs. I do know they have visited a local Baptist church in the past a couple of times. Anyway, I'm not saying that's what's going on with your daughter, but I would ask the other mother if your child has asked them about going to their church.

I would definitely call the other mother and ask to have a face-to-face talk with her and try to work things out. It seems like the other girl is a good friend to your daugther and banning your child from this friend could be very hard - especially with the fact that she is 12 and that is a very hard age for girls.

I sincerely hope you can work things out. It's so hard to be a Mom sometimes Good luck!

 

[NHdisneylover]

This family has asked if my daughter could attend their church before. I am guilty of avoiding a religious discussion, so I usually made some excuse like we were going out to dinner or we had school obligations.

A month ago my daughter lost her band instrument and missed the bus because she was looking in lost and found for it. She called me very upset about losing her flute. I told her I would pick her up and reassured her that everything was okay. (the flute was found the next day)

She explained to me that her friend had stayed behind to help her look and she had already called her mother to pick her up. She said the mom volunteered to bring her home.

I was called a few minutes later. The mom was in the parking lot and explained they were running late for church since she had to pick up the girls. She asked if my daughter could go with then and she would drive her home afterwards. I told her no, because my daughter was upset and we needed to do homework and talk. I told her to leave my daughter at school and I would be on my way to pick her up. She then said it was okay, she would just drop her off on their way to church.

I guess I have a part in this because I never bluntly said I did not want my daughter going to their church. Even yesterday I told the mother the issue was that my daughter disobeyed. That was the reason I gave.

I will be more honest with this family in the future and explain that we value their daughter's friendship, but we do not want any involvement in their church or further discussions on our faith or lack there of.

This has all become a good teachable moment for my family. We discussed this during supper last night and we explained to our children that we did not feel comfortable with them attending any relgious function without us. We told them if they were curious about a certain religion that we would attend a service as a family and discuss things afterwards.

Oh this is not the impression I had from your previous posts at all. This really changes a lot of things. Now it doesn't really look like the other family was encouraging your daughter to disobey as they do not know that you have told her she cannot go to church activities with you (the other girl and your daughter I think did both know they were not to go back to the girl's house--but that is reasonably typical behaviour for tween girls and the blame would go more to your daughter anyway). Now I just think they sound a little bit pushy bit not that bad.

I think you jumping to banning your DD from their house if you have not told the parents your feeling probably does show some bias towards their religion and some preconceived notions which you allowed you to be more upset about the situation than if you had not had them. In THIS case, in which you have not told them you do not want your daughter to attend church with them, I think it IS hard to see that you would be as upset than if it were some non church activity. Think about if this was girl scouts. If a family kept inviting your DD to scout activities and meetings and you kept saying she couldn't make it because (insert excuse here) then they might well assume she would like to come and you are okay with it and the timing is just off. If, on the other hand, you told them that you do not want her to be a part of any scouting activity and they THEN kept asking about it and/or hyping it to your daughter you would have every right to be upset (everyone, if they are really honest, has these about some things--it's okay; but it is good to recognize when they come into play and try to rice above them)


Just invite the mother over for tea (decaf) some day soon and have a chat. Be nice and explain that you feel badly about having made so many excuses and the truth of the matter is you are just not comfortable with your daughter being involved in their church at this time so you would appreciate it if they stopped inviting her. Also, I think the PP has a point and you should make sure your daughter is not ASKING to go. Lots of the activities are probably pretty fun and many are likely talked about at school among the kids (since you say nearly all belong). This may sound very appealing to your DD and she may be asking. Check with the mom and if your DD is asking you need to have a talk with her.

Yeah, but some Christian sects will take conversion over parental obedience. The believe becoming Christian to be more important than obeying a non-believer parents mandate to stay away from church.

I went to High School that was very much based in this sort of "Christianity". We had a few students who were not Christian but went there because it was a good school. One particular boy came from a very devout Muslim Family. Several families at the school, including some teachers/administrators, made it their mission to introduce to the truth of Jesus. The parents were blunt with teachers and asked them to stop inviting him to after school bible studies and assigning extra work in him in Bible class because he was not of their faith. When teacher's couldn't get through other students (Children of teachers/ administrators/ PTA folks) then got on to the case. This boy literally became their project and staff held devotions to pray just for this boy's soul.

After about 2 years of persistent effort by peers and teachers, the boy converted. The parents immediately flipped and disenrolled the boy from the school as well as mandated he attend religious counseling at his mosque. The school responded by offering him free tuition to stay with the small school and having a school family take him into their home. His parents stated if he did not abide by their rules, he could not stay in their home. He was a little over 16 and another school family took him in and the school allowed him to attend for free.

At our next chapel it was a topic of discussion how this Boy has successfully been converted after over 2 years of trying. Instead of acknowledging they had made this boy a target, the whole school said a prayer that his parents would soon realize the error of their ways and convert. We then thanked the lord for providing a good "Christian" home the boy could stay in.

Not all Christians are like this, but don't doubt some Christian sects are. They see conversion and sharing the word a key element in their own eternal salvation.

 

[tlbwriter]

By making other excuses, you have created the situation.

Not really. She did create the situation where the other family keeps inviting her daughter to church. But deliberately undermining her instructions for her daughter to come home? She did absolutely nothing to create that behavior.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

This family has asked if my daughter could attend their church before. I am guilty of avoiding a religious discussion, so I usually made some excuse like we were going out to dinner or we had school obligations.

There's part of the problem. If the other family doesn't know, they are going to keep inviting her.

My daughter sometimes invites her friends to youth group or to church. I've never had a family say "No, we don't want her going to anybody else's church but ours," so my daughter continues to invite friends. If we are ever told "No, we don't want her going to anybody else's church but ours," we would make sure to stop asking.

 

[Ceila]

Not really. She did create the situation where the other family keeps inviting her daughter to church. But deliberately undermining her instructions for her daughter to come home? She did absolutely nothing to create that behavior.

AMEN!!!

Regardless of the religious aspect, another parent undermining my authority would have me irate. This family overstepped their bounds by a mile, and I would NOT allow my child over there again. The other child would be welcome in my house as long as she was respectful of our choices.