Need some parenting advice

[FlightlessDuck]

Not really. She did create the situation where the other family keeps inviting her daughter to church. But deliberately undermining her instructions for her daughter to come home? She did absolutely nothing to create that behavior.

OP talked with her daughter's friend and said "tell her to come home." It's hard to know how that conversation was relayed at the friend's house to the parent. OP either should have gotten her daughter on the phone or the mom at the phone at that point.

While it is certainly possible to think the family was trying to undermine OP's authority, we can't know for sure since we only have one half of the story (ie, we don't know what happened at the friend's house).

 

[tlbwriter]

OP talked with her daughter's friend and said "tell her to come home." It's hard to know how that conversation was relayed at the friend's house to the parent. OP either should have gotten her daughter on the phone or the mom at the phone at that point.

While it is certainly possible to think the family was trying to undermine OP's authority, we can't know for sure since we only have one half of the story (ie, we don't know what happened at the friend's house).

From the OP:

The friend gets on the phone and tries to explain how I shouldn't worry and just let her go. I told her to tell my daughter to come home now.

Five minutes later I get a call from the mother of the friend. She says she wants to have a mother to mother chat with me. Tells me how they would like to include my daughter in their church activity, blah, blah, blah. I tell her my daughter disobeyed me and she needs to come home now. The mother then starts asking about my faith etc. I tell her to send my daughter home and hang up.

My daughter still isn't home. I'm giving her a couple more minutes and I'm off to go to the friend's house.

From the OP's post #8:

We chatted briefly and it appears this family was overstepping boundaries and asking very personal questions about my family.

Asking the daughter to church is fine.

Telling your daughter no, pointing out that she has already disobeyed you, and being told that you "shouldn't worry" (by a preteen, talk about disrespectful) is not fine.

Telling the other girl "Tell my daughter to come home now," and getting a call 5 minutes later (revealing that she has done no such thing) is not fine.

Telling the mom "Send my daughter home now," even if she didn't know about the previous conversation, and getting questions about your faith instead, is not fine.

Asking intrusive questions is not fine.

No matter what happened on the other side, there's enough here to bother me on its own.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Telling your daughter no, pointing out that she has already disobeyed you, and being told that you "shouldn't worry" (by a preteen, talk about disrespectful) is not fine.

I never said it was fine. I think some people here are assuming the friend is under direct orders from her parents to undermine OP's authority. These are preteen girls. The friend overstepped her bounds to begin with my using peer pressure to get the OP's daughter to disobey by leaving the street to begin with.

Telling the other girl "Tell my daughter to come home now," and getting a call 5 minutes later (revealing that she has done no such thing) is not fine.

Hmmm. OK, yeah, I can see that. But let's change shoes her for a minute: Your daughter brings someone over to come with you to church. The phone rings, your daughter answers the phone. Daughter says the friend has to go home. Don't you want to know why?

Telling the mom "Send my daughter home now," even if she didn't know about the previous conversation, and getting questions about your faith instead, is not fine.

Asking intrusive questions is not fine.

I'm not sure I agree. This family's religion has a doctrine telling them to go out and tell the world about their religion. From their perspective, they are doing what they are supposed to. People are unconformable with it, probably because of the heated arguments that result, which sucks. It's too bad people can't be more open about talking about their faith and at the same time not get personal about it.

But at least that way everybody knows where they stand:

"I'm Baptist, I don't want my daughter going to a Mormon church."

"I'm Buddhist, I don't want my daughter going to a Jewish church."

"I'm Atheist, I don't want my daughter going to church."

Or in OP's case: "I'm not comfortable with your religion's historical racist tendencies".

 

[OceanAnnie]

<<Snip>>

Asking the daughter to church is fine.

Telling your daughter no, pointing out that she has already disobeyed you, and being told that you "shouldn't worry" (by a preteen, talk about disrespectful) is not fine.

Telling the other girl "Tell my daughter to come home now," and getting a call 5 minutes later (revealing that she has done no such thing) is not fine.

Telling the mom "Send my daughter home now," even if she didn't know about the previous conversation, and getting questions about your faith instead, is not fine.

Asking intrusive questions is not fine.

No matter what happened on the other side, there's enough here to bother me on its own.

ITA.

It seems like a lot of passive/aggressive behaviors on the other family's part. Most people would pick up on the number of turned down invitations, and stop asking.

Not only have they not picked up on the turn downs, they have been manipulative in getting the DD into situations where she is "on the way" to the church. If there is a history of turned down invitations, you don't ask yet again while you are on your way, with the child.

Too many red flags.

I don't think it's the OP's fault at all. Some things you don't and shouldn't have to spell out, like "No thank you" and parental authority.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm not sure I agree. This family's religion has a doctrine telling them to go out and tell the world about their religion. From their perspective, they are doing what they are supposed to.

I don't care if she thinks she's supposed to indoctrinate me and my family. If I say "Send my daughter home now, she has disobeyed me" and she says "But first, let me ask you about your faith," she is behaving inappropriately. Period.

Hmmm. OK, yeah, I can see that. But let's change shoes her for a minute: Your daughter brings someone over to come with you to church. The phone rings, your daughter answers the phone. Daughter says the friend has to go home. Don't you want to know why?

No. Why is it my business? If I hear "Jane, your mom called, you need to go home," I'm not going to say "Wait, let's call her mom back and see WHY." I'm going to say "Jane, do you need a ride?"

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I'm sorry, but most of you that have replied since the OP's follow up response in Post #126, actually read the response. It appears to be more of a big misunderstanding than some cult-like indoctrination process. By talking to the other mother and just being open about her feelings this whole situation can be resolved without causing any more trauma and or drama to either families.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm sorry, but most of you that have replied since the OP's follow up response in Post #126, actually read the response. It appears to be more of a big misunderstanding than some cult-like indoctrination process. By talking to the other mother and just being open about her feelings this whole situation can be resolved without causing any more trauma and or drama to either families.

Yes, I did read it. No, it's not a misunderstanding. Whether or not she told the other mom that she didn't want her daughter to visit their church, the woman still overstepped her bounds in other ways.

 

[kellyg403]

I don't care if she thinks she's supposed to indoctrinate me and my family. If I say "Send my daughter home now, she has disobeyed me" and she says "But first, let me ask you about your faith," she is behaving inappropriately. Period.



No. Why is it my business? If I hear "Jane, your mom called, you need to go home," I'm not going to say "Wait, let's call her mom back and see WHY." I'm going to say "Jane, do you need a ride?"

I agree with both points. When a friend is over and mom/dad says come home I send them home. Period. It is actually none of my business WHY they want them home.

I know from reading further, mom has not really said "Stop" to the religious aspect. But, you know, I am not really feeling like this has anything to do with religion at all. Just normal boundaries and respect for another person's parenting. The reality is what the rules/opinions whatever there are at my house are always respected by the friends/parents. My dd's can't date until they are 16. 15 they can hang out with mixed groups and go to the movies. My dd had a friend whose mother did not agree. 16 was it. So, if she wanted to go a parent had to stay. I respected her opinion and stayed when it was my turn. No biggie. I would never have the gall to let the child know I think its weird her mother feels that way...because it ISN'T. Just what morals she feels she wants to bring her child up with. Religion aside, this feels more about boundaries and not liking how another parent feels or requests from their child.

I can sure tell you too, the day that type of thing happens to me I would politely tell mom with dd present I do not have to explain myself to either one of them. I appreciate their concern but it is SOOOO not needed.

Kell

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I agree with both points. When a friend is over and mom/dad says come home I send them home. Period. It is actually none of my business WHY they want them home.

If my child asks a friend over, and that person's parents keep saying "No", I want to find out whether it's because the friend's parents don't like my child (or me) or don't want her doing a certain thing. That way I know how to act in the future. Although taking this particular opportunity to do it is probably not the best choice (ie, send the child home and then ask after).

Now polite way to find this out isn't "Let me ask you about your faith", but rather "is there a problem that you never let your daughter go to church with my family?"

But as I said before, if these people are coming to everything from their faith, that's how they are going to talk. Which I understand gets under people's skin.

Edit: So yeah, the more I think about it, friend's mom should have sent OP's daughter home first and then call back.

 

[Duchie]

Would someone be willing to PM me with what religion they think this is? I don't want to bring that discussion into this thread but now I'm dying to know!

Me too!

 

[tlbwriter]

Edit: So yeah, the more I think about it, friend's mom should have sent OP's daughter home first and then call back.

Yes, this. The attempted conversion and the refusal to comply with the mom's wishes regarding her own child are two separate things. One is excusable, the other is not.

 

[kellyg403]

If my child asks a friend over, and that person's parents keep saying "No", I want to find out whether it's because the friend's parents don't like my child (or me) or don't want her doing a certain thing. That way I know how to act in the future. Although taking this particular opportunity to do it is probably not the best choice (ie, send the child home and then ask after).

Now polite way to find this out isn't "Let me ask you about your faith", but rather "is there a problem that you never let your daughter go to church with my family?"

But as I said before, if these people are coming to everything from their faith, that's how they are going to talk. Which I understand gets under people's skin.

Edit: So yeah, the more I think about it, friend's mom should have sent OP's daughter home first and then call back.

Well, if my dd/ds asked someone to play repeatedly and the other parents say no, I MIGHT take the opportunity someday to chat with the other parent and see if there is a chance the child could come to play. But, honestly when this has happened I usually steer my child in another direction without the whys of the situation being exposed. What good comes from it. So the child doesn't like my child..there a tons of friends they will have a connection with. We don't always HAVE to like each other.

My children have attended many different church services with other families, no biggie. I have instilled FAITH in my children, not a particular religion. Its how I wanted it to be when I decided to have children. I do understand there are certain aspects to other religions that require them to witness to others. However, were I to have decided they only needed one religion until they are old enough to decide for themselves, well that would not sit well with me from a PARENTAL standpoint, not a religious one.

OP, its time to have a chat with other parent in a polite adult manner that leaves no room for error. If it IS all about the program of going to church they will not respect your wishes and continue. If it is about sharing time and their dd's circle of friends they will understand and know that any time together will be done doing other things. PERIOD.


Kelly

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Well, if my dd/ds asked someone to play repeatedly and the other parents say no, I MIGHT take the opportunity someday to chat with the other parent and see if there is a chance the child could come to play. But, honestly when this has happened I usually steer my child in another direction without the whys of the situation being exposed. What good comes from it. So the child doesn't like my child..there a tons of friends they will have a connection with. We don't always HAVE to like each other.

My children have attended many different church services with other families, no biggie. I have instilled FAITH in my children, not a particular religion. Its how I wanted it to be when I decided to have children. I do understand there are certain aspects to other religions that require them to witness to others. However, were I to have decided they only needed one religion until they are old enough to decide for themselves, well that would not sit well with me from a PARENTAL standpoint, not a religious one.

OP, its time to have a chat with other parent in a polite adult manner that leaves no room for error. If it IS all about the program of going to church they will not respect your wishes and continue. If it is about sharing time and their dd's circle of friends they will understand and know that any time together will be done doing other things. PERIOD.


Kelly

I totally agree with this. There's no reason that the OP and the other mother can't have an adult conversation and work out those issues. There is no sense in flipping out and bringing in all that drama of banning the friend and avoiding the family into the OP's lives or their daughter's life if at all possible - I mean 12 year old girls have enough drama as it is.

But, I will say, if the other parents don't see eye to eye and kept over-stepping their boundries, then, yes, that would definitley be grounds for banning the friendship.

 

[ccgirl]

Op - I was just wondering how this was working out. Are the girls still playing together? This is a tough position to be in. Imagine the tough position that exists when the "conflict" is b/w your family. When my DD asked I always tell her we were not put on this earth to judge others. We treat others how we want to be treated. That being said, I would have had a huge issue with the other parent basically kidnapping my DD. I would have no problem with a confrontation in that case.

I hope it all got worked out.

 

[purplegirl247]

OP, just wanted to say that I think it's great that you used this as a teaching opportunity for your daughter.

 

[Diegosmom]

Totally think you did the right thing...,

But just wanted to throw out there that we got to a lot of church events. And many of them are just fun events. Like we had a fall festival, with a jumping castle, games cotton candy, etc. We had a labor day BBQ, 4th July BBQ and the list goes on and on...at all of these events the "church" part really isnt there...(not sure if I said that right) but perhaps if we are sitting down to eating (like at our valentines dinner) grace is said but otherwise it is just an opportunity to have fun with other church members and to know that your children are not being exposed to violence or swearing or people dressed inappropriatly. So we often invite other people to these events. And the pastors daughter (we are neighbors and friends with the family) will often invite friends to everything at the church and doesnt understand why these kids dont attend these "fun" events (this includes Awana which is learning the bible). She has obviously been taught how she is suppose to follow God and doesnt understand why everyone doent believe this (she is 5). Her mom feels bad because she knows that the parents arent church goers but doesnt want to tell her child no you can't invite this friend. So the mom usually tells the other mom sorry my kid keeps asking...so totally different then your situation...

And totally thinking that these church events probably arent the fun party type events I was talking about but figured I would just mention in case other people have there kids invited to church stuff...

 

[MotherOfDuo]

Hi Everyone
I have two kids, aged 9 and 7. We are trying to teach them about saving money and the importance of financial responsibility and the idea of money as a tool, but it seems as if they are too young to comprehend. My nine year old recognizes that if he saves he can buy a PS3 game or an iPad versus whatever little thing he may want at the toy store, but it doesn’t reach much farther than that. The seven year old doesn’t grasp this concept at all yet… so my question is…. How do you go about teaching your children the importance of financial responsibility? Am I starting too young?
Thanks

 

[roscoepc1]

I'm a bit fuzzy on how this whole thing went down.

Your child's friend's family has been trying to get her to go to church functions. You don't want her to. You have told your daughter this. Who else did you tell this to? You mentioned it to the friend? Only at the end you mentioned it to the friend's mom? Or did the mom know this before yesterday?

Have you told the friend's family before that you don't want her involved in their family's religion? If you just mentioned it to the friend, who is ... what... 12? ... that probably isn't good enough.

It was wrong for your daughter to leave your street. It was wrong for the friend to bring her to her house. I think you need to mention these things to the family.

I'm not entirely sure if I understand whether the parents were told you didn't want her involved in their religion before this incident (either that wasn't clear or my comprehension is lacking).

I think you need to have an actual discussion with this person's family explaining WHY you don't want her involved in their religion. If you are going to be standoffish about it, they are going to assume you are a non-believer and may continue to try to convert your daughter. Assuming this is a Christian religion, part of their charge as Christians is to convert others.

A REAL, TRUE Christian would NEVER encourage a child to dis-obey or lie to their parent! N.E.V.E.R.!!!! Yes, we are to witness to others about the difference knowing Christ has made in our lives, but that NEVER includes what the OP's situation involved. In point of fact, you draw more people to Christ by being an example, NOT by being pushy, or whacking people (figuratively) over the head with your Bible!

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Hi Everyone
I have two kids, aged 9 and 7. We are trying to teach them about saving money and the importance of financial responsibility and the idea of money as a tool, but it seems as if they are too young to comprehend. My nine year old recognizes that if he saves he can buy a PS3 game or an iPad versus whatever little thing he may want at the toy store, but it doesn’t reach much farther than that. The seven year old doesn’t grasp this concept at all yet… so my question is…. How do you go about teaching your children the importance of financial responsibility? Am I starting too young?
Thanks

The thread you have just posted on is an old thread about a parent's individual issues with a neighboring couple and their child's possible religious influence over the op's child.

Your question would probably best be asked over on the buget board.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

A REAL, TRUE Christian would NEVER encourage a child to dis-obey or lie to their parent! N.E.V.E.R.!!!! Yes, we are to witness to others about the difference knowing Christ has made in our lives, but that NEVER includes what the OP's situation involved. In point of fact, you draw more people to Christ by being an example, NOT by being pushy, or whacking people (figuratively) over the head with your Bible!

Did you read the OP's last response to this thread? Why is this getting hashed up again?