Need some boyfriend advice...

[JerseyBallerina]

Okay, so my boyfriend and I are both graduating college in the spring and we're looking into getting an apartment together. The thing is, I have a lot more money to spend on it than he does.

We both come from middle class families but I've worked all through college while he only works during the summer. I also had a family member recently pass away and I got a large inheritance.

I want to get a nice apartment but if we do, I would have to pay the majority of the rent. He is really uncomfortable about this because he feels like he is the man and he should pay at least the same as me, if not more. I told him he could pay for all the furniture and we would be splitting all the bills evenly but he wants to get a smaller place that he can afford.

Of course, I would prefer to live in the nice apartment but I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything or that I'm taking away his manhood or something. I'm thinking of telling him it's either the nice apartment or we won't live with each other at all but I don't know what his reaction will be.

Money plays a big role in our relationship already. Like, I would offer to pay for dinner or something and he gets all offended, like I'm insinuating that he has no money. He refuses to ask me for money and he owes various friends and family members about $1,000 because he refuses to admit he can't do something or go somewhere because he doesn't have the money.

I know this is horrible, but I'm not going on spring break with my friends because I knew he couldn't afford it and I didn't want him to feel bad about it so I'm staying home with him.

We're gonna look at more apartments this weekend, hopefully we can find something in his price range that is relatively nice because I can't deal with this added money issue.

What do you all think? How should i approach this?

 

[LightBurnsBlue]

How is it certain that he won't have enough money for a nice apartment either? Do you both already have jobs lined up? If not...there's no saying what job and income you each will get.

 

[chris1gill]

Here is what you do... you find the apartment you like and then the TWO OF YOU write up a contract as to who is going to pay how much per month.... don't get the idea that in the end you will go back and say he should have paid half.... not that you would, but these things happen... plan for the unexpected. Write it all out in black and white and sign it. Consider utilities, furnishings, etc.... and then if he can't stand the thought of not carrying his load 50/50, find a place on your own, and wait until somewhere down the road when he is earning more and feels more at ease with the money situation....

 

[mickeyboat]

If I were you, I would find something for the short term within his budget. Hopefully after you have both been working for a while, his financial situation will improve and you can find something you like even better that you can afford. This apartment doesn't have to be the one you live in forever.

Lots and lots of luck to you.

Denae

 

[ElizaB39]

I think you should go to Spring Break, it is your last chance!

Don't have advice for the other thing.

 

[noseybuddy]

Why did he only work in the summer? Is he lazy and just doesn't really want to work? You should have went on spring break. He knew it was coming, so why didn't he get a job.

 

[ntburns22]

I think you should go to Spring Break, it is your last chance!

Don't have advice for the other thing.

Go on Spring Break! You are only young once.

No advice on the apartment here either.

 

[korbbec]

I would get something you can both afford equally. Any extra money can get put toward your future. You can always move when his financial situation improves, but putting someone in a situation where they feel dependant on you, when they have clearly stated that they do not want to be, is unfair in my opinion.

ETA: I would go on the spring break too.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

He's an engineering major, which requires a lot of work. He also had to maintain a certain GPA or he would lose his scholarship. He didn't have time for a job during the school year.

He does a job lined up but it will take a couple of years for him to make a good amount of money. Eventually, if he keeps with it, it will be a very well paying job so I know we can eventually get a good place.

I hate the thought of sacraficing myself to make him happy but I also hate the thought of him feeling inferior because of the money situation.

 

[diznygirl]

If I were you, I would find something for the short term within his budget. Hopefully after you have both been working for a while, his financial situation will improve and you can find something you like even better that you can afford. This apartment doesn't have to be the one you live in forever.

Lots and lots of luck to you.

Denae

This is practical advice. If you guys are graduating, then you guys will both be working. And then he will be able to contribute equally.

If it's something like the security deposit that is causign trouble, just let him know that if you put down the whole thing, you get the whole thing back. No big deal.

Good luck.

 

[Sandy V.]

Money can be an emotional issue for many.

I would find a place that he feels comfortable sharing expenses with you in. It's only an apartment - you can always move later. What's more important; the relationship or the surroundings? I'm sure that you can find something nice that will work for both of you.

Oh, and take that spring break trip! You'll never get the chance again. It's not your "fault" that your financial situation is better than your boyfriend's at the current time. He should understand, and not be upset that you go without him.

 

[Noah122898]

First of all, your large inheritance should NOT be used for rent and stuff. That money should be put away in some type of investment for your future (house, family, retirement). Money seems like a huge issue in your relationship. Moving in together is not the answer for now. I think you should get a place on your own that you can afford. Maybe you two are just not ready to move your relationship to the next level right now.

 

[rt2dz]

I don't know how long the two of you have been dating, may make a difference on the advice. And you don't say if you are getting engaged or just moving in together, again could make a difference.

Here's the thing though, this is your life. GO ON SPRING BREAK!! You should never stop your life for someone you are just dating, ever. There should be some type of well wishing and trust on each part, or it isn't the best relationship you could be in. Of course, you didn't say that was the reason...

Now, on to the apartment. It is something he feels strongly about. You are not married; there is a his and hers, not an ours about it. I would get something that both of you could afford equally. Especially if something doesn't work out. An engineer can make good money in a few years, you can always move then. Of course, that is me assuming you are looking for better amenities and more space. If it is a matter of being in a safer neighborhood, you might try and convince him to give a little.

If it is something each of you feels strongly about, then maybe you should gently tell him that the two of you probably aren't ready to live together-yet. Get a nicer place with a girlfriend or on your own.

On a side note--I live with a guy for three years. When we split, it was just that much harder. The actual split, the division of items, etc. I swore I would never live with anyone again without being married. Living on my own was the best thing ever. It really helped me find myself. I moved in with DH (actually him with me) four months before we were to be married and had already been engaged for 14 months.

 

[korbbec]

I hate the thought of sacraficing myself to make him happy but I also hate the thought of him feeling inferior because of the money situation.

Then perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship. Happy couples sacrifice for their SO quite often.

If where you live is more important than who you are with, you are with the wrong person.

Just something to think about. Good luck with your decision.

 

[rt2dz]

First of all, your large inheritance should NOT be used for rent and stuff. That money should be put away in some type of investment for your future (house, family, retirement).

Take whatever extra money you have now and put towards something greater later--a house for example.

 

[MareQ]

Why did he only work in the summer? Is he lazy and just doesn't really want to work? You should have went on spring break. He knew it was coming, so why didn't he get a job.

Not getting a job during the school year doesn't = lazy. Could be that he has a VERY tough major or he may require more time to study and complete assignments than others.

 

[Christine]

and I'm not sure whether what she's doing is a good thing or a bad thing.

I work in an area of D.C. that is being "revitalized." About 2 years ago, they vacated the "projects" directly behind our office building. All the buildings were boarded up and fenced in but, of course, there were holes and such in the fence and cats and HUGE rats were living in them.

A woman in our building was going out there several times a day and setting up food for the cats. She would also try to catch them and take them to her home and have them adopted out.

Well, they finally tore down the buildings a few months ago and, for now, they are vacant lots with some debris. Each day I have seen this woman walk out there with boxes, food, and water. I realize she wants to *help* the cats but, at the same time, I can't help but think she is prolonging the agony. Also, the stuff she puts out is attracting rats and seagulls.

As an animal lover, I understand the desire to help, but on another level, I'm thinking it's not the wisest thing to do at this point.

 

[java]

Oh save the money for a House!! Don't blow all your $$ now on renting a huge place. Ah young love. Go for a short term lease...just in case things change once real world creeps into your life. There's a whole lot of matzah balls out there.
But I wouldn't get caught up in money worries now and don't rent above a place you could swing alone if you had too. Be open minded on places and good luck maybe you'll be surprised at what you see at a more moderate price. Where are you looking I am in NJ too!

 

[Sandy V.]

If where you live is more important than who you are with, you are with the wrong person.

This bears repeating.

 

[TEENEE]

I get the impression that you are not quite ready for such a serious relationship. The money that you will be throwing away on rent should be saved for a house or invested.