Need some boyfriend advice...

[Breezy_Carol]

I hate the thought of sacraficing myself to make him happy but I also hate the thought of him feeling inferior because of the money situation.

I don't think you are ready to live together.

Money seems like a huge issue in your relationship. Moving in together is not the answer for now. I think you should get a place on your own that you can afford. Maybe you two are just not ready to move your relationship to the next level right now.

I agree with this.

If I don't live with him, I would have to move back home - I can't live by myself and no friends are looking for a place to live.

Why can't you live by yourself? It sounds like you have enough money. I think being able to live by yourself is a good life skill.

 

[RadioNate]

We've been together for 4 years and have talked about getting engaged but we both agreed that we should wait until we're more financially stable. Believe me, we've both heard from people that we shouldn't be moving in together but we think it's the best thing for our relationship right now. If I don't live with him, I would have to move back home - I can't live by myself and no friends are looking for a place to live.

Why can't you live by yourself??? This paragraph has tons of red flags.

I am considering going on Spring Break but I know what would happen. He would borrow the money from somebody, probably his parents, so he could go too.

Who says he is invited??? Why can't you go with your friends, w/out him??

My biggest fear is the resentment we'll have towards each other. If we get the expensive apartment, he might feel resentment towards me for taking away his "manhood" or whatever. And I know I will him if we live in the cheaper place and I'm not happy because I would know we had the capability to live in a better place. It seems like a lose lose situation but there has to be a solution that makes us both happy.

Huge red flags. I think the people in your life telling you that you shouldn't move in together are on to something. There is a reason they are saying that. I really sounds to me that you guys aren't ready for this and that there are some bigger relationship problems than just deciding how nice of an apt to get.

 

[rt2dz]

If you can't afford the bigger apartment by yourself, you can't afford it with him. Relationships, especially those without real comittment (ie, marriage/engagement) do end. When you live with someone, you do need to be acutely aware of that. Maybe he is, which is why we wants some place more affordable.

There is a possibility that one of you will simply get a job opportunity that might take you away. The beginning of careers are very unstable.

You have a ton of red flags in your follow up posts that say this isn't the right time to be moving in together. I would wait 6 months to a year after graduation to make that decision--live somewhere lesser by yourself, with a friend (look for a friend of a friend), or with your parents. It might seem like a lifetime, but those of us who have been around awhile will tell you it's a drop in the bucket.

 

[iloveboardwalk]

I would be very wary about moving into an apartment with a man who seems to be so insecure. You need to work these money issues out before you make any major move with him, whether it's moving in together or getting engaged/married. You're young and unencumbered, get yourself on your feet before you tie yourself to someone financially.

 

[Florida_Mom]

I am considering going on Spring Break but I know what would happen. He would borrow the money from somebody, probably his parents, so he could go too. His parents don't have a lot of money but they always manage to give him and his brother whatever they want. And that's just more money he owes someone else instead of paying for the apartment.

Of course I would rather go to Cancun instead of staying here in Jersey, where it is currently -10 degrees but there so many other things to consider.

Okay, first, you're not married, so his finances and what he owes are really his responsibility. Don't make them yours.

Go to Cancun. If he gets insecure about a spring break trip with your friends that he feels he must go on if you go, then you have much larger problems than rent.

Really, it seems from your posts that living together is more of a "want to" thing. You say it's what's best for your relationship right now. Why? You say you're going to wait to get engaged until you're financially stable. But yet, you're willing to go into a rental contract that makes him uncomfortable or one that makes you feel substandard just so you can live together? Why?

You're about to graduate from college. You're not married, you don't have kids, and you have some money. Get a place of your own. Enjoy a little independence. Get settled into a job. Spend the weekends with your boyfriend. Have some fun. You're way too young to be acting/thinking like an old married couple yet!

 

[AKL_Megs]

It sounds like he is a little insecure and immature. If he wasn't, he would be pounding the pavement to line up a better paying job, or finding a way to juggle two jobs to be able to pull most of the weight. It sounds to me that he probably isn't ready for something - whether it be moving in with you, having to live with the fact that he might not be the breadwinner, or something else all together. Either way, it sounds like he has a little growing up to do.

 

[DisneyGirl]

I'm not sure what your income will be, but if I were you, I would NOT get an apartment where you have to break into your inheritance to pay for. I think the rule of thumb is no more than 25% of your net income for housing-- maybe you can use that and see what your two net incomes are??

How NICE of an apartment are you talking about? I was an engineering major, and had a job right out of college-- engineering jobs pay very well-- I assume he is making at least $50-60,000/year (if not, he really should look for another job unless he is in love what he is doing or a bio-type engineer). Alone, he should be able to get a pretty nice apartment. If you are looking for a HUGE penthouse super-luxory apartment, that may be where some of his dissention is coming from too!!

I saw you are from New Jersey-- if you are looking at Manhattan apartments, I suppose the whole money thing goes out the window-- Manhattan is a whole other world

 

[MrsPete]

Believe me, we've both heard from people that we shouldn't be moving in together but we think it's the best thing for our relationship right now. If I don't live with him, I would have to move back home - I can't live by myself and no friends are looking for a place to live.

Moving in with a boyfriend because you don't have anywhere else to go doesn't sound like such a great idea.

Living together isn't such a great deal -- it's caused more conflict than good in the majority of cases I know personally. So often one party sees it as a temporary situation, while the other sees it as a lifestyle -- even if they agreed on something else earlier. If you're committed to one another, get married. It doesn't require any more money than living together. If you're not ready for marriage, then you're also not ready to live together.

Where ever you decide to live, don't go for an expensive apartment -- at the end of the month, no matter how nice your apartment, you have nothing left from your rent. Be sure you're in a safe area, but go for a low-end apartment and save the "extra money" for a house that you'll own.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Why did he only work in the summer? Is he lazy and just doesn't really want to work? You should have went on spring break. He knew it was coming, so why didn't he get a job.

Geez. Maybe he felt like he couldn't handle classes and work. It doesn't make him lazy.

 

[Pugdog007]

So both of you have jobs lined up, and you already know you will make much more than him? Or are you talking about paying rent from your savings and/or inheritance?

I would not agree to share a place with anyone where the split was anything other than 50/50. And it should be a place you could afford on your own, if your living situation changes.

 

[figment52]

I hate the thought of sacraficing myself to make him happy but I also hate the thought of him feeling inferior because of the money situation.

This statement makes me wonder if this relationship is ready to take the step of cohabitation.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Not sure what to tell you about Spring Break, it is a great opportunity but only you can decide. There's no telling if you would go w/o him & have fun or not or stay home & have fun or not. Might want to make a pro & con list.

About the apartment. I would try to find as nice as can get apartment within both of your budget ranges. I would not put the extra money into an apartment you should bank it towards purchasing a house. Why pay extra money in rent when you can make an investment. If you job situation seems kind of steady & you have enough money why not think about investing in a small house & he can be your room mate.

Good luck with things.

 

[figment52]

and I'm not sure whether what she's doing is a good thing or a bad thing.

I work in an area of D.C. that is being "revitalized." About 2 years ago, they vacated the "projects" directly behind our office building. All the buildings were boarded up and fenced in but, of course, there were holes and such in the fence and cats and HUGE rats were living in them.

A woman in our building was going out there several times a day and setting up food for the cats. She would also try to catch them and take them to her home and have them adopted out.

Well, they finally tore down the buildings a few months ago and, for now, they are vacant lots with some debris. Each day I have seen this woman walk out there with boxes, food, and water. I realize she wants to *help* the cats but, at the same time, I can't help but think she is prolonging the agony. Also, the stuff she puts out is attracting rats and seagulls.

As an animal lover, I understand the desire to help, but on another level, I'm thinking it's not the wisest thing to do at this point.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all your advice and I have to say that you're really making me think about this.

We had been planning to move in together after graduation since the beginning of the school year and it had basically been assumed that it was going to happen one way or the other. We're still looking into apartments so we have more options but there aren't many in the area we need (North NJ, not Manhattan, I wish!)

I've done the math and technically, I could afford the expensive apartment by myself, without using my inheritance if I start working full time. I'm currently working part time but I'm starting school in the fall and I don't think I'll be able to work full time at the same time.

However, I don't feel comfortable living by myself. I get freaked ouy when my current roommate goes home for the weekend and my boyfriend can't spend the night. I know the liklihood of someone breaking in is slim, but I can scare myself very easily.

I read my posts again and I saw that I made him seem like this immature chauvinistic man but he's really not. I understand we have to have a serious talk about money and our different views on it but it's such an uncomfortable topic, we've both been putting it off. I'll probably talk to him later in the week before we go apartment hunting again.

And about the whole Spring Break thing, my friends are his friends as well (both male and female) so it would be expected that he is also invited. I probably won't be able to go because they are leaving on Monday and I can't get a flight until Wednesday but if we try I'm sure we can figure out something to do here.

Sorry that was so long but I just wanted to thank everyone for everything they said.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you have a serious problem with "being alone", I really would seek counseling.

The real reason it appears you "have to" move in with BF is because of this issue.

It is better to face it and come to terms with it. As you get older, married, kids, etc....you are going to need to do things that are scary and you must be strong.

Let's say you did not have an issue with being alone....what would you want to do?

 

[JerseyBallerina]

Just because someone doesn't want to live by themself, that doesn't mean they need professional help.

I'm not afraid of being "alone" in the emotional sense. I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings and friends. I have never lived on my own before and that is what makes me uneasy.

If I absolutely had to, I could live by myself, but because I have other options I am choosing to use them.

 

[ZPT1022]

Just wanted to say that if it were me I'd go for the smaller place. DH and I went for the "luxury" apartment for our first apartment and we regret it now. That was the time that we should have been living somewhere where we weren't worried about what school system and all that jazz. Get a cheap place and make the most of it and save some $$ and when things are a bit better then go for the nicer place. Really, we look back at that time and wonder what the heck we were thinking. The fact that a lot of our neighbors were families and older couples should have been a clue. That's another thing to think of too- you might want somewhere where you "fit in" more. Not saying that you need to live in a crappy college apartment but it doesn't have to be super posh either. Just trying to give you another point of view, and I'm only in my late 20's so this wasn't too long ago.

 

[Florida_Mom]

Just wanted to say that if it were me I'd go for the smaller place. DH and I went for the "luxury" apartment for our first apartment and we regret it now. That was the time that we should have been living somewhere where we weren't worried about what school system and all that jazz. Get a cheap place and make the most of it and save some $$ and when things are a bit better then go for the nicer place. Really, we look back at that time and wonder what the heck we were thinking. The fact that a lot of our neighbors were families and older couples should have been a clue. That's another thing to think of too- you might want somewhere where you "fit in" more. Not saying that you need to live in a crappy college apartment but it doesn't have to be super posh either. Just trying to give you another point of view, and I'm only in my late 20's so this wasn't too long ago.

OMG...this made me think of DH's and my first apartment right after we got married. We were both in grad school, and our apartment was a sub-terranean one with little half-windows that looked up at the parking lot. It was pretty ugly. There were no married student housing units left on campus, so this is what we got. I remember being horrified that it didn't have a dishwasher. Ha! But, we look back on it with great affection now. It was a great time.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

To clarify, the more expensive apartment is not luxurious by any means. It costs more because of the amenities it comes with. Unlike the cheaper one, it comes with a washer/dryer, fridge, dishwasher, and air conditioning. The cheaper apartment comes with none of these.

Also, the cheaper apartment is about a half hour from my school and 45 minutes from his job, while the more expensive apartment is about ten and twenty minutes away. That is something else we are keeping in mind.

My mom wants us to get the cheaper one so we have something to work for, but I consider these amenities pretty much necessary.

 

[pfishgirl]

Flame Me all you want... but...

I'm sorry to say this, but, if he feels THAT threatened already about you having more money then him, I'd be looking into the relationship 1st BEFORE moving into a place together.

So, for ALL of your relationship/life you are planning on downsizing youreslf and making personal sacrifices so he can feel Superior to you??

Sorry but he needs to Get Over It !!!!! So you have more money then he does.. So What!!! Doesn't make you a Better person then him and it doesn't make him any Less of a man.

Your BF has issues and he needs to Grow Up