Need some boyfriend advice...

[JerseyBallerina]

He is not superior to me and if he ever made any comment to that affect, this whole apartment problem would be solved because we would be done. Neither of us should be inferior/superior to the other. I want an equal relationship in every sense, and that includes financially.

I don't think this is what you were implying, but I wouldn't taking a lower pay job just so he could make more than me. That's just stupid. And as I said, he is going to start a job that has the potential to pay up to $80,000/year within 2 years and I plan on getting a well paying job. I won't be depending on him for money. My mom always taught me and my sister that we should be able to support ourselves and not depend on a man for anything.

 

[kristen821]

I haven't read all the replies what I would do is pick an apartment that you like and can afford on your own (just in case) Put the apartment in your name and then he can pay you rent. Whatever you think is reasonable.

 

[ZPT1022]

OMG...this made me think of DH's and my first apartment right after we got married. We were both in grad school, and our apartment was a sub-terranean one with little half-windows that looked up at the parking lot. It was pretty ugly. There were no married student housing units left on campus, so this is what we got. I remember being horrified that it didn't have a dishwasher. Ha! But, we look back on it with great affection now. It was a great time.

I wish now that we'd have just gotten a crappy little place. How much money we could have saved and the crazy memories.

To clarify, the more expensive apartment is not luxurious by any means. It costs more because of the amenities it comes with. Unlike the cheaper one, it comes with a washer/dryer, fridge, dishwasher, and air conditioning. The cheaper apartment comes with none of these.

Also, the cheaper apartment is about a half hour from my school and 45 minutes from his job, while the more expensive apartment is about ten and twenty minutes away. That is something else we are keeping in mind.

My mom wants us to get the cheaper one so we have something to work for, but I consider these amenities pretty much necessary.

The washer and dryer, while nice, you can make do without. Same for the dishwasher. Yes it's a pain to wash dishes but we do it for a family of five and it's not *that* terrible. Don't know how anyone can go without a fridge, that just seems bizarre unless the cheaper one is some sort of an efficiency suite or something. AC is another thing that's nice but you can make do without if you have to for a summer or maybe two. There are always portable units too. To me the fridge and the commute would be the two biggest factors. If I were in your shoes I would sit down with the BF and make a pro/con list for both places and see how they stack up. Maybe seeing it like that will make him realize something he might not have otherwise. Make sure you take into account that the longer commute means a lot more wear and tear on both cars. Oh, and while I love having a washer and dryer in my home, the times that one or the other has been broken and I've gone to the laundromat, there is something to be said for spending a few hours and having it all done at once and not feel like you're always doing laundry. This is coming from someone doing laundry for five including cloth diapers. As much as I hated going sometimes (as recently as February because our washer kicked the bucket) it was kind of nice to be gone a few hours (yours might not take quite so long) and come back with it all done. Ultimately you two will have to agree on this. I'm a big fan of the pro/con list myself, sometimes just looking at it a clear choice just kind of jumps out at you. Good luck!

 

[rt2dz]

When I split from my ex of 3 years, I had a friend (not even super close) tell me I HAD to learn to live by myself. I was really doing everything I could to not be alone. He gave me a list of things to do: learn how to go to a movie by myself, learn how to go out to eat by myself, stay home from one morning to the next completely and not to date for one month. He was soooooo, right. Although, I can only sit at the bar when I go out to eat. It was hard in the beginning, but I LOVE movies alone now.

I was able to find out who *I* was. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I never would have been able to do what I need to do now if I didn't have those skills. Whoever would have thought those things were important? I learned all about my own tastes and interests because no one else was coloring them. And, yes, I hated to be home alone and I used to lock myself in the bedroom at night with my dog, but it gets easier. Everything in life is practice.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Jersey, everyone here is giving you food for thought...but I don't think this is all a black-and-white situation like they're all making it out to be.

I went through the same thing you did when DH and I first moved in together prior to our marriage...but I was on the less-money side.

As middle-class kids with middle-class parents, we're taught that we should not live outisde our means. We're taught to stand on our own two feet and to not live off other people. And we're taught to try and save for the future.
I gave it all up. My political aspirations, my full-time career, my bills, and even my car payment...handing all control over to my boyfriend whose earning power was twice what mine was.

The fear of giving up control over all that still brings a tear to my eye when I think about it. But I am in love with my husband and have now been happily married to him for nearly 12 years.

What you're asking him to do is give up a measure of control for a period of time...but you're at a crossroads and need to make some decisions. If you're planning on making this your first home together, it needs to be liveable, and the less-expensive place doesn't sound like it is to me. You also need to live within your total budget means.

I think you should look for a third option in an apartment...maybe something that is between the two in cost and amenities. If that isn't available, then I would go for the more expensive place and sign the shortest lease possible. Do not go out and buy a ton of furniture together...it will make matters worse for him. Get creative with your furnishings--hand-me-downs and second-hand items can really work with some paint and slipcovers.

I have no doubt that your boyfriend will make more money than you in the long-run...it's just a matter of how things go in life. This is probably very short-term (5 years at most) and is very small in the great scheme of the battles you have ahead.

If you're convinced you're right for one another, you'll both make it work. Just don't go through your inheritance. Invest it wisely. There will be many things you really NEED in the future.

Oh, and one more piece of advice. No matter what the two of you are making, always ALWAYS save off the top...even if it's $10 a paycheck to separate savings accounts. You'd be surprised how it will add up over the years.

Good luck!

 

[poohandwendy]

If ever there was a couple who needed to make a 2, 5 and 10 year plan, it's you two.

First of all, I think it is foolish to rely on your savings and inheritance to rent a 'nicer' ANYTHING. That is throwing your money away. Look at it this way, if you spend $250 per month of your savings/inheritance to have a 'better' apartment, you have literally blown $6000 in two short years.

I would base your apartment budget on your combined income, period. You will be kicking yourself when the months turn into years and you could have used that money towards a house or furniture or whatever you will need in the future.

Don't use savings on something so temporary. Get a 2, 5 and 10 year plan together and live more frugal now to have a better future. You will thank yourself for it.

Live within your means (income) now. It will pay off in the end, it always does. You are only a few short years away from having incomes to support a more comfortable lifestyle.

JMHO

 

[Snow_White]

If I were you, I'd just suck it up for a few years and invest the money you will be saving. Not a huge deal to me and it seems to be the obvious choice. You'll be living quite comfortably before you know it thanks to your future salaries.

 

[deekaypee]

I really think this is a conversation you need to have with your DBF, not with us. If you're serious enough to consider living together and sharing financial obligations & responsibilities, then it's in your best interests to learn how to communicate about such matters in a straightforward matter, without fear of stepping on each other's toes or hurting each other's feelings.

And no, this isn't necessarily each, because conversations about money are often about other things as well--perceived self-worth, individual and famly values, professional and personal goals, and so on. But if you're in a serious relationship you're going to want to have financial conversations for the very reason that they aren't solely about money. If you can't have that conversation, then that tells you something too.

As for the details of your posts, here's some information that may be food for thought:
--There are organizations that offer financial couples counseling or seminars. I think you might benefit from them, or for financial counseling/seminars for yourself.

--As PPs have said, don't use your inheritance for an apartment.

--If I'm reading your posts correctly, you will have approximately 3-6months in a full-time job before you start graduate school, and you're thinking you would work part-time during school? If this is true, then I would suggest you consider your housing budget reflect your overall earning circumstances as as part-time employee, full-time student. You shouldn't base your household budget on potential or projected income, but on what you actually make. Circumstances can change, hopefully for the better, and you can always move to a different apartment later.

--As for the shared expenses...I'm generally in favor of a 50/50 split, based on an apartment that you can afford without the income of your DBF. I say this for a couple of reasons: one, and I'm not trying to be a doomsdayer, but what if you can't count on both your incomes?

--I also offer the pov of Suze Orman, who I believe suggests that couple don't necessarily do a 50/50 split on household expense but an equal percentage of their incomes.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

Okay, so I think we have found a solution.

We had a serious talk about what we both want regarding the apartment and how much we are willing (and able) to spend per month. We decided to go half and half on everything and we have compromised on the amenities and location. We decided to look for someplace that is in between the two.

Then, he got a call from his current roommate. He and his girlfriend found a great apartment - 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living room, kitchen, great closet space. He was wondering if my and my BF would want to move in with them. It would end up costing less per person because it is about the same as the more expensive apartment my BF and I orignally looked it.

Nothing is definite. We're going to look at the place tonight and all four of us are going to sit down and discuss things but I'm really excited about this new option.

The four of us are all good friends. She was my roommate freshman year before she moved off campus so everyone knows what kind of roommate the other person is. They are both planning on working and going to grad school so there won't be any parties or anything, so I think it will work out.

Thanks again for all the advice and I'll let you know if anything else changes and I need your help again.

 

[mickeyboat]

Jersey - so glad you are on the road to a compromise that will work for both of you. And don't forget, this place will not be where you live forever!

Denae

 

[JerseyBallerina]

And most of you will be happy to know that I am going on Spring Break with my friends. Miraculously, I got a seat on the same flight as them and I'll squeeze into their hotel room.

My BF can't come because he has a big project he has to work on. I didn't see the need to stay home and watch him do his engineering thing so I told him I was going. He was not thrilled but he understands that I need this time with my friends.

 

[mickeyboat]

And most of you will be happy to know that I am going on Spring Break with my friends. Miraculously, I got a seat on the same flight as them and I'll squeeze into their hotel room.

My BF can't come because he has a big project he has to work on. I didn't see the need to stay home and watch him do his engineering thing so I told him I was going. He was not thrilled but he understands that I need this time with my friends.

Even more hooray for you! Don't forget it, even once you are married someday. My DH has no desire to travel to Europe. But I do. I am not going to let that keep me from seeing Europe, so I am going to do it with my mom. We went to Paris in 2005, we are planning Italy this year, and maybe 2009 we will do London with my kids in tow!

Denae

 

[ElizaB39]

JerseyBallerina,

Sounds like you guys are coming to some good resolutions! Way to go. Have a great time on spring break and come back and ask your DIS parents for advice ANYtime.