Need help with a tactful thing to say!

[Bigdis79]

Hi. I just made a new user name to anonymously ask for some advice about family.

We are DVC Members. We also are blessed with an extended family who loves Disney. We are all heading to WDW later this year for a week together. One of us has a house there for all of us to stay. Isn't that nice? Yes it is. I'm truly aware.

The thing is, we ALWAYS do Disney with them. Anytime we book a trip, they decide to join us. I love them, am thankful they enjoy time with us, but there are always issues with personalities, different parenting styles, different eating patterns and frankly, a whole lot of sarcasm/criticizing that I'm tired of by the end of our week together.

We booked a 2 bedroom villa at BLT for another week after our one with family. I think most of the adults will think nothing of it, will even be glad to meet us in the parks every day or visit and tour for an afternoon. BUT THE KIDS ARE GOING TO INVITE THEMSELVES (not just once, they will ask over and over, every day, that's how they are) AND honestly, there is room without going over the room limits, but we don't want them , not even one at a time. I almost hate admitting that, but we just want some alone time for our family. They do not belong to DVC, we sacrificed and saved and want to enjoy the space, not jam it up with kids who don't even belong to us!

Is there a tactful thing we could say when they ask? Help!! I have a brother who is also eternally offended by such little things as this, but I really want to stand my ground. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Or do you think I'm crazy and selfish?

 

[disneynutz]

Darn, one less family for us to watch bickering.

Tell it like it is.

"We love you guys, and we enjoy vacationing with you, but sometimes we just want to vacation by ourselves. I'm sure you understand."

 

[DMKEDM]

Situations like this always make me wonder if "honesty is the best policy" is always true!

Would it be possible to simply not tell them you'll be on your own at Disney for an extra week? After all, you will be with them during the "all-family vacation" time...

Failing that, can you simply not tell them and if it comes up anyway, just use a little "white" lie and tell them the only accommodations you could get for your extra week aren't big enough for extra people--that DVC is strict about its occupancy rules? (actually, in a way, both those statements could be "stretched" to be true...I personally would not want to "test" Disney on its occupancy rules...and your accommodations are not big enough to hold extra people because of your own personal need for the space to yourselves!)

I know..."honesty is the best policy." But here it does seem to me that just not telling your extended family about your extra week may be the way to go that causes the least stress among your various family members...

Good luck w/whatever you decide...

 

[Dizny Dad]

Honesty is the best policy. Discuss the situation in a loving tone, at a time that is not set aside for other things.

If you have done what needs to be done in love, you can do no more. My heart goes out to you. We all have sensitivities within our families, and they always seem to be the ones most fragile.

 

[habg1]

I guess if you want a "kid free" Disney trip, you can always say " you know, were not sure of our plans yet."

But I'm afraid you should have kept your trip on the down low to begin with, to avoid this whole situation.

You may just have to put your foot down. This is your trip anyway, not theirs. If they don't understand, that's their problem. Why wouldn't they understand you need family time too??

 

[WolfpackFan]

Is there a tactful thing we could say when they ask? Help!! I have a brother who is also eternally offended by such little things as this, but I really want to stand my ground. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Or do you think I'm crazy and selfish?

Not at all and I can completely sympathize with your situation. I was in the same situation many years back with my extended family. We went to the beach together and basically did everything together. One night we (myself, DW and children) wanted to just go out an eat by ourselves. You would have thought we had committed murder. My mother got very upset. Funny thing is the rest of the family ended up eating at the same restaurant we did (I'm sure they did it on purpose) and my mother walked right by our table and wouldn't even speak to us. She blamed me for causing her hair to fall out because of this .

Anyway good luck. Family conflicts can be the worst kind there are.

 

[Crystal_27]

I wouldn't condone lying or misdirecting. They are your family and don't deserve that. I would simply say something like "I'm so excited - - we just booked another week's stay at Disney for just me and DH. I am thrilled about doing Disney with just us." You never know: maybe your extended family feels the same pressures about vacationing together as you do and it will be a welcome relief for them as well to set a precedent to not have to vacation together every time. Good luck!

 

[DisneyFreaks]

Believe me when I say I am never one to push lying but I also know my family and if yours are anything like mine than I totally think DMKEDM has got the right advice. Simply not telling them isn't really lying or being deceitful. My family would be totally upset if I tried to explain any form of reasoning. Some folks just cannot see why you would want to spend time with just your own family. You are going to be with them an entire week. I see no reason why you should have to mention that your trip will be a bit longer than theirs. Good luck with this. I don't envy your situation.

 

[JimMIA]

Is there a tactful thing we could say when they ask? Help!! I have a brother who is also eternally offended by such little things as this, but I really want to stand my ground. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I think the thing to say is that the first week is the time for extended family, and the second week is your family's vacation. Period.

Frankly, if they suggested meeting at the parks to do things together, I don't see that as much different from the first week, and I'd personally resent it if someone pushed themselves on me like that. I'd probably say something like, "Okay, call us when you get in the park and we'll see if we can meet for lunch or something." I sure wouldn't invite them. It's your vacation, not theirs.

There is a reason why you don't all choose to live in one great big house. The extended family may just have to put their "big kid pants" on and accept the fact that you have a life.

If anyone is "eternally offended" by losing an opportunity to dump their kids on you, so be it. They're the ones who will be upset, not you. You'll be having fun doing what your family wants to do...and there is nothing wrong with that!

Or do you think I'm crazy and selfish?

I think you are crazy if you think wanting to vacation privately with your own family is selfish.

 

[DiznyDi]

I, too believe honesty to be the best policy.

Whatever you decide to do, don't waver in your statement once made. As soon as you add the 'we'll see' or 'well, maybe' when asked about the possibility of others joining you, you'll open the door for additional continual questions. Instead, simply state, 'not this time'.

I like what Disneynutz said. "We love you guys, and we enjoy vacationing with you, but sometimes we just want to vacation by ourselves. I'm sure you understand."
Be loving, but firm in your statement.

that it all works out for you.

 

[RLRDA]

I would simply say something like "I'm so excited - - we just booked another week's stay at Disney for just me and DH. I am thrilled about doing Disney with just us."

I got the impression that the OP has children of his/her own due to the fact that they booked a 2BR and mentioned something about different parenting styles (?) but that's just my guess. The scenario above would be easiest if the OP was looking for alone, adult time. I agree, I wouldn't be dishonest about your plans. Maybe wait until the last possible minute to inform them so that there's less time for them to think about crashing your 2nd week. Even if you're upfront, sometimes children try to finagle invitations and the OP ends up looking like the "bad guy" if (s)he stands his ground.

 

[islandtimect]

You aren't crazy or selfish, but maybe your brother is. You can be honest and at the same time keep your vacation plans private. Vacation with immediate family is important - you'll want alone time and it's less stressful. The extended family will likely find out, so you could say something like what disneynutz suggested. But if your family has problems with boundaries, be prepared with getting some attitude. Just remember that this is YOUR vacation, YOUR money and YOUR time! In the future you might want to keep your vacation plans private.

Luckily we don't have this problem. We love vacationing with family and friends, but we all agree that we don't need to hang out together all the time. It makes for more interesting dinner or breakfast conversations to share stories of our adventures.

Good Luck!

 

[Crystal_27]

I got the impression that the OP has children of his/her own due to the fact that they booked a 2BR and mentioned something about different parenting styles (?) but that's just my guess. The scenario above would be easiest if the OP was looking for alone, adult time. I agree, I wouldn't be dishonest about your plans. Maybe wait until the last possible minute to inform them so that there's less time for them to think about crashing your 2nd week. Even if you're upfront, sometimes children try to finagle invitations and the OP ends up looking like the "bad guy" if (s)he stands his ground.

Yeah, but even if the OP's children are involved, I'd still drive the point home about how excited they are about doing Disney with just their family. I think that the extended family will "get" the subtle message, even if it makes them upset. And, if it does make them upset, so be it.

We've spent countless dollars and time vacationing with our extended family. Now that we've done Disney for a couple years with just "us" (myself, DH, and DD), even though we are seen as the non-conforming ones to our extended families, our memories are much more important than pleasing everyone else.

 

[BostonDisneyKid]

Op -

Do your kids already know of your plans? If not...

I would inform your family that your immediate family, alone, will be extending your trip and staying at BLT the following week. Tell them that it is a suprise to your children and ask that they not mention this to your children or their own as you dont want anyone to spoil you and your spouses suprise. I would not tell your own children either and simply go to BLT instead of the airport when everyone departs so that way none of the kids know, it doesnt get talked about and none of the childrens feelings get hurt.

I would clearly state that you and your spouse have been planning this "surprise" for quite some time as you had been trying to figure out a way to build your family closer and stronger as a unit. I would go on to explain that it has been "X" amount of time/years since you have had vacation with just your family and that your are trying to build your immediate family to one day be as strong and close as your extended family are in hopes that one day your kids (and possibly theirs as well) and their families may also vacation together as you currently do with all of them.

 

[bobbiwoz]

..
"We love you guys, and we enjoy vacationing with you, but sometimes we just want to vacation by ourselves. I'm sure you understand."

I really like this quote, and hope you can use it when explaining the situation to the family.

Does the OP's children want the cousins to be there with them? It seems the cousins want to be there and there's room for them, so the kids may feel differently about the company than the OP, and that needs to be straightened out.

Bobbi

 

[Inkmahm]

Op -

Do your kids already know of your plans? If not...

I would inform your family that your immediate family, alone, will be extending your trip and staying at BLT the following week. Tell them that it is a suprise to your children and ask that they not mention this to your children or their own as you dont want anyone to spoil you and your spouses suprise. I would not tell your own children either and simply go to BLT instead of the airport when everyone departs so that way none of the kids know, it doesnt get talked about and none of the childrens feelings get hurt.

I would clearly state that you and your spouse have been planning this "surprise" for quite some time as you had been trying to figure out a way to build your family closer and stronger as a unit. I would go on to explain that it has been "X" amount of time/years since you have had vacation with just your family and that your are trying to build your immediate family to one day be as strong and close as your extended family are in hopes that one day your kids (and possibly theirs as well) and their families may also vacation together as you currently do with all of them.

I REALLY like this answer! Excellent idea.

 

[Bigdis79]

Thank you for all your suggestions. I do feel better about standing our ground.

We do have 4 of our own kids and they do know about it because we wanted them to look forward to it. We surprised them once and while it was fun, when we told the other adults in the family and asked them not to discuss it with each other or tell their kids, they propmtly did just that, against our request. Kids will tell kids and like I mentioned earlier, their kids will say what is in their heads. We had to keep to ourselves until it was time to reveal the trip in order to keep the surprise. It did work, but boy was it work. The reason we told the adults in the first place is because they know how DVC works and are ALWAYS asking us what we're doing next, they know we have to use those points! And because they always invite themselves, they just want to know when their next vacation will be!!

 

[Bigdis79]

One night we (myself, DW and children) wanted to just go out an eat by ourselves. You would have thought we had committed murder. My mother got very upset. Funny thing is the rest of the family ended up eating at the same restaurant we did (I'm sure they did it on purpose) and my mother walked right by our table and wouldn't even speak to us. She blamed me for causing her hair to fall out because of this .

Pretty much what we expect to happen here, too!!

 

[Bigdis79]

Even if you're upfront, sometimes children try to finagle invitations and the OP ends up looking like the "bad guy" if (s)he stands his ground.

This is also what will happen, especially when they ask over and over - that's the parenting style over there. They'll look at us like "how many times do they have to ask before you just give in and shut them up already?"

Did I say that out loud?

 

[Bigdis79]

Family is who they are. We try to make the best of things but sometimes you just can't win for trying. What we'd like to do is set a good example for our own kids on how to deal with people/family. They are plenty old enough to be aware of how things are. I guess we want what we want and will try to be gracious. And in between all the drama, we do have fun with them - but as you can imagine what kind of people invite themselves and get offended so easily - this is who we deal with.

Thanks for your support, I do NOT feel crazy anymore.