Need advice not disney related- very very long - UPDATE post #15

[Nom]

In a way then, you're ahead of the game since you have been living seperate lives somewhat... although emotions can be a killer. Getting something formally in place with a lawyer can help you start setting some boundaries and take emotion out of it... and like I said, just because you see a lawyer does not mean you are getting divorced tomorrow. If you choose to go to therapy together down the road and try to work things out, seeing a lawyer does not preclude that. It will do two things for you:

1. Show him you mean business and you are just not going to take him back next week once you calm down
2. Set some boundaries between the two of you, which may help you if you find yourself getting sucked back in emotionally.

I think my initial consultation was $150 or something like that (I live in the NE).

 

[mickey2minnie1]

Michelle,

I just got on and read all of your posts. I am so sorry that you have to go throught this.

Cry, hit your pillow, talk to friends, take a day to yourself or whatever you need.

Kick into overdrive because you have the best part of your life still with you. Your three children need you as mama bear to get them through this. Youwill need to show them love and stability from your end. You will need to keep your bitterness to yourself. Raise them to love and be loved. When they get older they will know the truth and be able to decide for themselves. They will love you even more with respect for not dissing their dad and see you as their rock always. Live for your children. They are your gift from God. Your husband is human and has made a mistake that he will suffer from forever and after. He has lost everything. You still have your dignity, yourself, and three children.

I will keep you in my prayers this night. Be strong and read the poem Footprints in the Sand. I have it hanging in my house and have needed to remember the meaning several times.

Take the time you need and then begin to create a new dream for your new life. 10 years of thoughtful stress will be behind you and now it is up to you and the choices you make for your future. You are the driver. Keep God as your co-piolet.

Take care!

 

[solgent]

After really thinking yesterday about my life for the last 15 years - I realized that I don't even know who I am anymore. Whats up with that?!!!LOL. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a worker, a sister - but what AM I TO ME? I have no idea.

Dear Michelle,

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I also admire you hugely for your attitude. You did not want or expect this upheaval but you're taking reponsibility for your part and you're taking the opportunity to evaluate your life. I'm glad you feel able to care for the children on a practical and financial level. You are clearly a strong woman and I know you will come through this.

My parents divorced when I was 11 and my brother was 8. In that case, though, it was not a sudden thing, and they were able to prepare us. I can imagine it is very shocking and upsetting for your kids. Try to help them understand that things will be different now but that doesn't mean worse. Our parents always cooperated so that we spent time with Dad regularly. My brother and I are both fine and have good marriages.

 

[Dicecatt]

I'm very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't have much else to say...but I wish I could offer you something meaningful...words don't seem like much right now though.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

Michelle-

I do understand, I could have written your posts about 8 years ago. I was a stay at home mom, 3 kids, had forgiven DH of an affair when DS #3 was 6 weeks old. Many other times I wondered. Finally I could prove another affair and I was done. Was it easy.... NO!!! I went back to school and now provide for my family. I know you can too. I went through the I have to be near my kids thing too. get some temp. orders in place, surround yourself with family and friends.

You will be okay. Keep strong and I am here if you want to talk. PM me.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you on this journey. You will someday look back and be stronger and proud.

Lastly, this is the hardest part, get yourself STD tested. and again in 6 months. That was the worst but, it is great peace of mind.
Okay really Lastly, as for the eatting and sleeping it will come. Force yourself to eat small healthy things. For me soup or oatmeal are comfort foods they are warm. It took literally me forcing myself to eat to do it. You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of the kids.

Take care-
Hugs

Lots of hugs for you and your kids. The advice above is very good and important enough to be repeated. Go to you Dr. and get tested, remember somethings take awhile to show up so talk to the Dr or nurse and let them know what is going on and they can know what tests to do.

 

[mumom95]

- I realized that I don't even know who I am anymore. Whats up with that?!!!LOL. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a worker, a sister - but what AM I TO ME? I have no idea.



Michelle

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have any words of wisdom, just know that you have a lot of people thinking about you and cheering for you

I just wanted to comment about what you said about not knowing who you are. I think that is true for so many women. We wear so many hats and we often times put everyone else in our lives ahead of ourselves. We work so hard making sure everyone else gets the most out of their lives and reaches for their dreams that sometimes (often times) we forget about our own lives and dreams.

 

[MELSMICE]

I just wanted to offer my support .

The emotions you are feeling are all valid. You don't fall out of love with someone in an instant. Remain strong.

God bless.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Well my progress today is that I called my dr. for an appointment - thats set for next week. I also called my EAP rep at work to set something up and am waiting for a call back (counseling). I am taking a couple of days off next week while he takes the 3 kids up north for the week. They leave on Sunday til Friday and I am taking off Monday and Tuesday - time for me. I have never been without the kids for that long. I have no idea what to do!!!! Isn't that crazy?!!! I am looking forward to it though - just time. I have been asking for time for me for a long while - so now I got it.
Wish I could afford to go off to FL by myself and walk in the world for a couple of days!!!! Too bad!

Again thanks everyone for your kind words.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

Glad to hear you are moving along with things. Try to enjoy your "me time" , many of us "moms" forget how to do that.

 

[Deb8821]

So sorry to hear your story. Someone once told me that going throught the stress of a breakup - was both the worst and the best thing that ever happened. It was so hard that when it was finally done they were so much stronger, wiser and more compassionate than before it happened. I know this is really really hard, been there done that. But it does get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you and the children.

 

[Chris]

(((Michelle))) enjoy your few day's of you time.

 

[kaysmommie]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have any words of wisdom, just know that you have a lot of people thinking about you and cheering for you

I just wanted to comment about what you said about not knowing who you are. I think that is true for so many women. We wear so many hats and we often times put everyone else in our lives ahead of ourselves. We work so hard making sure everyone else gets the most out of their lives and reaches for their dreams that sometimes (often times) we forget about our own lives and dreams.

This is 100 true for most of us .

Michelle, excellent that you are taking stpes to get your life back on track. It will be nice for you to have some time to yourself. How about visiting a nearby Spa for the day or something like that? That usually makes me feel better.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I am thinking that I might go to the beach one day - take the ipod and just hang out, read a good book, rent some girl movies, maybe get a pedicure or something like that. Doesn't that sound relaxing? Actually I could clean the fridge out and be happy as long as I don't have the kids to yell at! LOL!!!! That is just wrong but true!!! I know you other mom's agree!

 

[Matt'sMom]

MIchelle,

I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult situation.

Not sure if this might be helpful... but you may want to check out a web site called Recoverynation.com -- there is a forum and free workshop there for partners whose lives have been impacted by another person's affair(s). It can be a very constructive means of rebuilding your values and regaining control over your own life.

 

[badblackpug]

I am thinking that I might go to the beach one day - take the ipod and just hang out, read a good book, rent some girl movies, maybe get a pedicure or something like that. Doesn't that sound relaxing? Actually I could clean the fridge out and be happy as long as I don't have the kids to yell at! LOL!!!! That is just wrong but true!!! I know you other mom's agree!

Absolutely! Pamper yourself. I never realized until after how much time I spent on everyone else and not myself. Reach out to your friends, they can be just what you need at this time. Here is some really important advice I can give.

Make an absolute separation. 2 totally separate households. Tell you ex husband he can't sleep in the yard (is he nuts?) and he can't come over for dinner. It is too confusing to the kids at this stage. They have the hope that you will get back together and seeing this only offers false hope. Tell him that when he wants to see the kids he is to pick them up or you will drop them off. Make him get all his stuff out, and make him do it when the kids aren't home.

Get a lawyer. One that specializes in divorce. Get visitation, custody, and child support orders in place. Until you have a legal custody arrangement your ex can take the kids at any time without recourse. Make sure your child support order includes college/ educational expenses.

Most schools have a group for children with divorced parents. When school starts up again, look into it and enroll your kids. This is a big help to the kids as they get to interact with other children who have "been there and done that" or who are going through the same thing.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

Get a lawyer. One that specializes in divorce. Get visitation, custody, and child support orders in place. Until you have a legal custody arrangement your ex can take the kids at any time without recourse. Make sure your child support order includes college/ educational expenses.

Ask around, and make sure you get a GOOD lawyer. A REALLY good lawyer. I haven't been through any of this personally, but I know someone who has. The right lawyer makes all the difference.

Most schools have a group for children with divorced parents. When school starts up again, look into it and enroll your kids. This is a big help to the kids as they get to interact with other children who have "been there and done that" or who are going through the same thing.

It is most likely the school's Guidance Counselor who would arrange something like this. Our GC has "groups" for all sorts of different things (she's wonderful!). If the GC doesn't do this, they would certainly be able to guide you to other organizations that might be helpful.

At the very least, the school needs to be aware of what is going on because the kids may have reactions to the situation that affect their classroom behavior or performance, and if there are any custody issues the school needs to be on alert.

 

[sammyteach]

Thinking of you, you behaved honourably and Im sure you'll get some good times around the corner. What goes around comes around.

 

[NikNaknJack]

You deserve to know the truth, hire a PI, learn as much as possible, see how you feel and take it from there. Your kids deserve a happy mom!

 

[hugabearjo]

respectfully jack, I have been through this and if hers is a no fault state then the money on a PI only provides hurtful details. I thought I wanted to know it all, in the end it didn't help me accomplish anything except to induce nightmares. She knows enough to protect herself and to make the decision to separate. At least for me, the details were all the more painful. Not only to learn his behavior and who all knew, but also to learn how stupid I was for believing his lies.

Hugs Michelle- I am still thinking of you and praying for your healing. I am just catching up and as many have said. The feelings of not knowing who you are, are very normal. Especially since you have been living with an emotional abuser (or atleast one who has manipulated your emotions). You are already showing signs of figuring out who you are. You are strong and it shows. Soon you will emerge as a butterfly would and be beautiful.

I again encourage you to eat, sleep and pamper yourself. You deserve all of those and the kids need a replinished mom.

 

[angel*lady]

I am thinking that I might go to the beach one day - take the ipod and just hang out, read a good book, rent some girl movies, maybe get a pedicure or something like that. Doesn't that sound relaxing? Actually I could clean the fridge out and be happy as long as I don't have the kids to yell at! LOL!!!! That is just wrong but true!!! I know you other mom's agree!

All of those sound like great ideas! Whatever will give you the most peace and relaxation is what you should do. Even it that means cleaning out the fridge! What is most important during all of this is that you take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids!