Need advice not disney related- very very long - UPDATE post #15

[sammyteach]

Hope you are feeling okay Im thinking of you.

 

[mom2mykids]

No posts for quite awhile, hope you are OK!

 

[hugabearjo]

Been thinking about you, I too hope all is well.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

Hey girl- first off I just found your post this am (only read your first post) and I'm off to work (so I read the rest tonight) . But I have been in your shoes. If you need to know for sure you can go to RadioShack and buy a device to tap your phone line and its not illegal- that's how I caught mine.
I too had a cryer who had went thru a tough first marriage and at times suspected, but he always accused me, he hit me too. But, I thought he would never cheat on me because it hurt him SO bad when wife #1 cheated on him- guess what, over the years I found out he cheated on her and got the woman pregnant which he swore to me it wasn't his kid but skirted around the excuses about paternity testing and I ended up wanting to believe him and helped him pay the CS. Then, I caught him and that was my golden ticket out and I've been happier since. Don't get me wrong, DIVORCE is rough, and hard on my DD,5 and DS,3 but worth the effort and they feel much safer and we are all so much happier.
If you need us we are here. These DIS guys are the best. They've been with me since I contemplated divorce last July and our divorce was final in May...they have been here for me to celebrate small victories, to cry on their virtual shoulders and just to vent.
Always-Follow you heart and listen to it.
(Duty to your heart)
Mulan

 

[mom2mykids]

Mulan! Great to see you here. If the OP checks in you will be such an inspriation to her!

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

I have thought of you all am. I am on a mini break at work and read just your posts. Sounds like your doing great!
Its hard without the kids and you are so strong to be so far ahead for just getting started. I PM'd you but I guess that advice is now out of the question LOL
Please, keep in touch and remember we are here for you to cry, to vent, for advice, just to chat!
you and your children are in my prayers!
Mulan

 

[maymom96]

How are you doing with the kids away?

 

[cheerbop]

I just found this thread Michelle. First, I want to give you this..
Secondly, I just want you to know that you have alot of people here for you and praying for you. I know this is a hard situation. I have been through a similar situation to yours, but from a different perspective, as a child watching it happen to my parents.
They are still together now, but it was NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination. That is a long story...
Anyway, please keep us updated on how you are doing.
How were your alone days?
How are your children doing?
How are YOU doing?
Take care my friend.....

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Hi guys! I only have a quick second to post. To all of you thanks for checking in on me!!! I am keeping my head above water so to speak. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading and today actually in about 14 minutes I am off to see my EAP for the first time. WOW what a wierd time in my life. I hate having everything up in the air. I will post more later today once I am back from the EAP. Thanks again to all of you - you have made my day just knowing someone is checking in!!!!

Michelle

 

[luvtogo12]

It was good to hear from you, Michelle.
Hang in there, you sound like you are doing great!

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I'm back. A little bit of an update for you. Well like I said - he came clean with me. He told me, hopefully, everything that went on between him and said woman. We have been talking probably more than we have ever talked and I am exhausted - my jaws hurt!! LOL!!! I am not a talker, I am an ignore-er so to speak. Well guess what, that can bite you in the butt big time!!!! And it has bitten me 2x now.

Personally I keep getting stuck in the muck - I keep thinking that I am a stupid woman and I don't want to be a stupid woman. But after talking about this with the EAP woman she told me that I am not stupid and that my decision is my decision. She told me that I can only control me and my responses to him - I can't control him because he is going to do what he is going to do - well HELLO!!! why didn't I think of that before - duh!

That my friends is empowering! Really it is. I mean you think you know that but until you realize it - completely different. I know that I am not making sense but basically this is what I have to report - I want my marriage to work. I want my family to work. Is what I want wrong? Is what I want making me a stupid woman? No - because it is what I want. Will it work? I can only do the best job I can do - and that I can control.

This much I know - this time I want it to work, if it happens again it won't work there won't be a another chance - I am gone for sure no matter what or how old I am or when or where. I could end it now, but I don't want to.
I love him. It takes more strength to work it out than it does to walk away and this I know. I will keep you all posted because tomorrow could be another day in the ups and downs of our lives - sounds like a soap opera doesn't it?!

 

[stacy6552]

Negotiate your settlement not, while he is feeling guilty.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Stacy - I am not sure I understand what your saying?

 

[HarbinsMom]

Michelle, I just found this thread and my heart goes out to you. I have no words of wisdom, I just hope all works out for you the way you want it to. Take care of yourself and your children.

 

[grlpwrd]

I'm back. A little bit of an update for you. Well like I said - he came clean with me. He told me, hopefully, everything that went on between him and said woman. We have been talking probably more than we have ever talked and I am exhausted - my jaws hurt!! LOL!!! I am not a talker, I am an ignore-er so to speak. Well guess what, that can bite you in the butt big time!!!! And it has bitten me 2x now.

Personally I keep getting stuck in the muck - I keep thinking that I am a stupid woman and I don't want to be a stupid woman. But after talking about this with the EAP woman she told me that I am not stupid and that my decision is my decision. She told me that I can only control me and my responses to him - I can't control him because he is going to do what he is going to do - well HELLO!!! why didn't I think of that before - duh!

That my friends is empowering! Really it is. I mean you think you know that but until you realize it - completely different. I know that I am not making sense but basically this is what I have to report - I want my marriage to work. I want my family to work. Is what I want wrong? Is what I want making me a stupid woman? No - because it is what I want. Will it work? I can only do the best job I can do - and that I can control.

This much I know - this time I want it to work, if it happens again it won't work there won't be a another chance - I am gone for sure no matter what or how old I am or when or where. I could end it now, but I don't want to.
I love him. It takes more strength to work it out than it does to walk away and this I know. I will keep you all posted because tomorrow could be another day in the ups and downs of our lives - sounds like a soap opera doesn't it?!

So even if he swore up and down nothing happened, but yet something did really happen again between the two?

Sorry, I wouldn't be as forgiving as you, but I must tell you my personal experience. My mom told me and confirmed to me that my dad was unfaithful during their marriage and he even left when my younger brother was an infant. She forgave him each time. I remember those days as a child... especially the parts that my mom was crying or going to Salvation Army for assistance. I also remember the times they were fighting or my mom got into a physical fight with these women. I distinctyl remember her getting into a fight with a woman and pulling her hair really hard. Kids know.

Fast forward to today, he has a woman working for him at his moving company and my mom thought he was at it again. He swore he wasn't having an affair. I believe him and I think he has really changed.

Yes, there is hope, but please remember how it affects your children. Kids learn by what they live. That is all I will say. Hugs to you all!

 

[mousefanmichelle]

It's not that I am forgiving - it is that I have made mistakes too. I haven't cheated on him but I have closed him out of my life both emotionally and physically. As much as this hurts, because believe me every day I think about it and I am angry and I am hurt and I want to scream and run away - I want to run and not stop but I have to stop running. That is part of what got me here in the first place, running. I know myself enough to know that I run, I don't deal with anything - EVER. I brush it under the rug hoping that it will go away. This mess isn't going to go away unless I deal with it. I am not forgiving, I am struggling with the right decision for me.

Is working on my marriage right? Do I believe him? Do I trust him? Do I think it will ever happen again? Working on it, in my heart, feels right. I don't know that I will ever believe him when he is late or has to go somewhere without me, I will never trust him until I feel he can be trusted and he has to earn that from me. It is not given lightly. Will it ever happen again? I don't know the answer to that question. I can hope it won't. I can hope that I can become a whole person and open up to him and give all of myself so that he doesn't seek out someone else to fill that void, but I can't answer that and that is where I have to say I can control me and my responses to him, but I can't control what he is going to do - just like I can't control anyone else I may meet if we divorce. Yes, I could meet a wonderful man and yes I could meet a man much worse than my husband. It's a crap shoot.

Right now I am willing to work this through for myself. I am not sending mixed messages to my kids - they know where I stand. I have made it clear that what their dad has done is not right, that you don't treat people this way. I have told them I am not sure where this is going - we have been talking and talking. I want them to know, though, that people make mistakes and that if you can work through them to become better that it is worth it - for yourself. Like I said I could totally take the easy way out - and leave him. I am ready to put in the hours and work for this. I don't want the easy way out, not right now. Who is to say that in 6 months that if I feel that this isn't going anywhere that it won't end - I can't say that because it could. If I were to realize that I am only in this because I don't want to be alone or some other reason. Right now I am here to work on it. That is all I can give, right now. Does that make sense?

 

[cheerbop]

It's not that I am forgiving - it is that I have made mistakes too. I haven't cheated on him but I have closed him out of my life both emotionally and physically. As much as this hurts, because believe me every day I think about it and I am angry and I am hurt and I want to scream and run away - I want to run and not stop but I have to stop running. That is part of what got me here in the first place, running. I know myself enough to know that I run, I don't deal with anything - EVER. I brush it under the rug hoping that it will go away. This mess isn't going to go away unless I deal with it. I am not forgiving, I am struggling with the right decision for me.

Is working on my marriage right? Do I believe him? Do I trust him? Do I think it will ever happen again? Working on it, in my heart, feels right. I don't know that I will ever believe him when he is late or has to go somewhere without me, I will never trust him until I feel he can be trusted and he has to earn that from me. It is not given lightly. Will it ever happen again? I don't know the answer to that question. I can hope it won't. I can hope that I can become a whole person and open up to him and give all of myself so that he doesn't seek out someone else to fill that void, but I can't answer that and that is where I have to say I can control me and my responses to him, but I can't control what he is going to do - just like I can't control anyone else I may meet if we divorce. Yes, I could meet a wonderful man and yes I could meet a man much worse than my husband. It's a crap shoot.

Right now I am willing to work this through for myself. I am not sending mixed messages to my kids - they know where I stand. I have made it clear that what their dad has done is not right, that you don't treat people this way. I have told them I am not sure where this is going - we have been talking and talking. I want them to know, though, that people make mistakes and that if you can work through them to become better that it is worth it - for yourself. Like I said I could totally take the easy way out - and leave him. I am ready to put in the hours and work for this. I don't want the easy way out, not right now. Who is to say that in 6 months that if I feel that this isn't going anywhere that it won't end - I can't say that because it could. If I were to realize that I am only in this because I don't want to be alone or some other reason. Right now I am here to work on it. That is all I can give, right now. Does that make sense?

I stated before that I went through something like this when I was a child with my parents.
I personally think that you are doing the right thing for you. If you feel that you are not ready to completely end your marriage, then that is what you feel. You can try to work it out for yourself and give it your best effort. I think it takes alot for you to admit that you made mistakes also. If you work through this and a month or a year or 10 years go by and then it happens agin, you can honestly say that you gave it YOUR best and will be able to live with yourself knowing that you followed your heart and tried to make it work.
Hugs to you...

 

[mom2mykids]

I think either decision takes courage and both take work. I hope you and your DH will go to marriage counseling. A friend of mine said a book she really liked was Divorce Busting. It says pretty much what you said, you can't change the other person but you can change how you respond to them. Take care. You know this will take work but it will take time too, don't forget that. And don't let anyone make you second guess your decision to work on your marriage only YOU can make that decision!

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Thanks for the positive feedback. Like I mentioned in the days of our lives who knows what tomorrow is going to bring. I can worry about today and work on today and hope it impacts tomorrow but there are no guarantees.

I didn't work on it 11 years ago. I had a toddler, was pregnant and young and I just thought everything was going to be ok so I just kept going and not really trying to fix what caused the first affair. Fast forward 8 years and I am a mom to 3 kids living a totally different life than him and then my mom gets sick from cancer and dies in a very quick 13 weeks and I am lost and I never recovered from that or from the first affair.
Just sweep that junk under the rug because that is what I am really good at. Fast forward another couple of years and we stopped talking, we stopped doing anything together - we shared the same bed and the same space but that was it. We were basically room mates for the last 1-2 years. So the same woman from 11 years ago who told him 11 years ago she was pregnant contacts him at work - cuz he still works there, she doesn't, but he does. He has always been curious about whether or not he had a kid out there he wasn't taking care of - she knew that was her "in" with him her hook - talk about the kid right? So that is where it started and then since we weren't talking or much of anything else she was there. Who knew. You just take for granted what is always there and that is what I both did for sure - I don't know about him.

I feel that I need to give this one last shot and to know that this time I have put forth the right effort and the right amount of time and if 10 months, 5 years or 15 years goes by and he does it again then I will know that it is him and it has nothing to do with me and I can walk away - I did my best.

Had anyone out there made it after a situation like mine that you know of? I would be curious to hear some success stories.

Thank you all for your words, your advice, your thoughts! I appreciate it beyond words!!!

Michelle

 

[ntburns22]

Best of luck to you. I would have given my H another shot as well, but he didn't want it. I hope the best for you and your future.