Need advice not disney related- very very long - UPDATE post #15

[Mulan'sWarrior]

I think its really great that you want to give your DH another chance. He's the lucky one and should be grateful to you.
Hold him to his promises, I hope marriage counseling works for the both of you, not sure I remember how old your children are, but I like what another post said earlier- the children probably see and know what is going on- what you do, believe it or not affects them and how they think. What I mean by that is, if they know; you son grows up thinking- dad cheated and mom forgave him over and over, dad has needs, I have needs...your daughter sees mom is a very forgiving person just to keep the family together, and when she grows up and gets married and her DH does the cheating thing on her, she'll model you.
Marriage is not 50/50- it should be, but its not. We all know us woman do so much more. Unforfunately, mine was 95/5 and that's giving him 3% for breathing But seriously, the Bible talks about the husband's and wife's role in the marriage, but it can only work if there is RESPECT. (Ephesians 5)
When I began my journey of seperation and divorce, my counselor asked me why I thought ex did the things he did (jealous, questioning, interigating, accussing)- my answer was I guess he just loved me so much. He loved me? What is the definition of love:Honest,Trust, Respect, Charish, Unselfishness
STOP- my ex did not treat me with any of this. So HE DID NOT LOVE ME.
Remember LOVE DOES NOT HURT. (he also hit me and mentally and emotionally controlled me).
My hope for you is that you remember you have a duty to your heart and your children. Your DH can either get on board, or take another boat. BUT DON"T YOU SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS! You are the most important person, you are worth so much more and if he makes you feel any less- well, I hope your eyes will see that. Good Luck.
Remember we are here for you- to cry, to vent, to share- not to judge you or tear you down.
Mulan

 

[cheerbop]

Thanks for the positive feedback. Like I mentioned in the days of our lives who knows what tomorrow is going to bring. I can worry about today and work on today and hope it impacts tomorrow but there are no guarantees.

I didn't work on it 11 years ago. I had a toddler, was pregnant and young and I just thought everything was going to be ok so I just kept going and not really trying to fix what caused the first affair. Fast forward 8 years and I am a mom to 3 kids living a totally different life than him and then my mom gets sick from cancer and dies in a very quick 13 weeks and I am lost and I never recovered from that or from the first affair.
Just sweep that junk under the rug because that is what I am really good at. Fast forward another couple of years and we stopped talking, we stopped doing anything together - we shared the same bed and the same space but that was it. We were basically room mates for the last 1-2 years. So the same woman from 11 years ago who told him 11 years ago she was pregnant contacts him at work - cuz he still works there, she doesn't, but he does. He has always been curious about whether or not he had a kid out there he wasn't taking care of - she knew that was her "in" with him her hook - talk about the kid right? So that is where it started and then since we weren't talking or much of anything else she was there. Who knew. You just take for granted what is always there and that is what I both did for sure - I don't know about him.

I feel that I need to give this one last shot and to know that this time I have put forth the right effort and the right amount of time and if 10 months, 5 years or 15 years goes by and he does it again then I will know that it is him and it has nothing to do with me and I can walk away - I did my best.

Had anyone out there made it after a situation like mine that you know of? I would be curious to hear some success stories.

Thank you all for your words, your advice, your thoughts! I appreciate it beyond words!!!

Michelle

I did not personally go through what you are as a wife, but my parents did. That was when I was 12-19 and am now 35 and they are still married. Through those7/8 years, it was awful for my mom (and the family). He would move in, move out, move in, move out. Be faithful for awhile, then not...on and on. It had been going on for awhile before my mom found out too. .(maybe about 1-2 years, so I was maybe 10 when it started).
They went through the formal separation and started divorce proceedings.

They had a hard time to go. But my mom loved him and did not want to give up on him or the family, so she stuck it out and went to counseling and he did some, then would stop, etc. My mom just kep working on herself for years and made herself a better and stronger person. He finally turned a corner for good and stayed in counseling for himself and also as a couple. they worked hard at it and it showed then and still shows now.
Is it perfect..no. No relationship is, but they are happy and so glad they they worked through it because they DO love each other.
There is success out there. If your heart is drwing you this way, then follow it. It is not easy either way you go, but if the path you want to take right now is to try to work on yourself and this marriage....do it.
My dad worked with this woman also. Finally after years of wafflling, he requested that he be moved to a different area so she wasn't around him. That is when HE finally made the commitment for good to work it out.

As a child I was greatly affected by this and it still is hard for me today. Luckily my hubby is patient and understands. I still sometimes have trust issues. My brother still has issues also, but in a different way. So, yes, the kids see this all and learn from it. It will affect them and sort of shape them.

You can only work on you and he can only work on himself. You 2 will work on your marriage (if that is what you both want) together.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

My mom just kept working on herself for years and made herself a better and stronger person.
There is success out there.
If your heart is drawing you this way, then follow it. You can only work on you and he can only work on himself. You 2 will work on your marriage (if that is what you both want) together.

VERY GOOD POINT cheerbop. Very well put!
Michelle, you can only make you a better person. You can't change him. He must do the work himself, remember that.
Mulan

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm not sure I agree that leaving is taking the easy way out, & it's sad to see the amount of blame you're placing on yourself. You may have made mistakes. We all do. IMHO, none of them warrant being cheated on, unless you cheat yourself. I do hope things work out for the best for yourself & your family, & wish you a happy life. You deserve that.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I didn't deserve to be cheated on - no one deserves that. I don't care what situation your in. If you feel the need to cheat - get out of your relationship that your in so you don't hurt anyone. I couldn't cheat on him and I know he shouldn't have done it to me, but he did. I can't change that. I can change what I did to allow it to happen to me.

It 's like the woman who walks down a dark ally alone at midnight and keeps her head down and her keys in her purse - she thinks nothing is going to happen to her, but she is a target for not knowing her surroundings and not looking around to be aware. That was me. I kept my head down so I couldn't see what was going on around me. That is what I own and that is what I can control and change. Nothing else. He has to do his part and if he can't then I am done. See ya sweetheart. I have made my postion very clear on this. There won't be a third chance. 3 strikes and your out bottom line.

Don't look back and say well if I only would have done this or done that- move forward, change what you can, control your response to the situation and hope that it works. Know that you've done your best and be alright with that - if it happens again - be smarter,let go and move on.

 

[Chris]

(((Michelle)))
Is the child his?? Is he taking responsibility for what he has done? I think it's great that you've accepted your part in the relationship, but he needs to own what he has done as well!

How are you doing today?

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Chris - there was no child. If she was pregnant all of those years ago (which I thought to be a load of crap) she told my dh that she had an abortion. She told him that she kept the ultrasound pix of the baby and that her dh keeps it. She also told my dh that she went through years of therapy to deal with this and she needed closure and that was why she contacted him after all of those years - for closure.

Well I learned that whoever called me 4 weeks ago to break the news to me - might be the other womans sister. She has 3 sisters who work in the same company as my dh and apparently - the other womans employer knows now as well as her dh. So it seems that whoever told me is taking upon themselves to share the wealth. I am glad. I am also glad there is no child from this event - that I couldn't live with.

 

[Nom]

I'm not sure I agree that leaving is taking the easy way out, & it's sad to see the amount of blame you're placing on yourself. You may have made mistakes. We all do. IMHO, none of them warrant being cheated on, unless you cheat yourself. I do hope things work out for the best for yourself & your family, & wish you a happy life. You deserve that.

ITA. Best of luck to you, but you should not blame yourself for your h's actions. Don't make excuses for him.

 

[Irin997]

Michelle,

I've been lurking on the DIS boards for the past few months and then yesterday I found your post. I just wanted to offer my support while you are going through this and maybe offer a little advice. After reading what you had written about emotionally checking out of the relationship 3 years, I was actually very glad to hear that you guys are going to work things out. I think that maybe, if both of you try as hard as you can, things can and will change. I think you are absolutely positively 100% right not to trust him. He broke that trust and needs to earn it back. It will take a very, very long time, but it will come. I just want to wish you all the best and sincerely hope that things work out with you guys, especially for your children.

Asahi

 

[kaysmommie]

I'm not sure I agree that leaving is taking the easy way out, & it's sad to see the amount of blame you're placing on yourself. You may have made mistakes. We all do. IMHO, none of them warrant being cheated on, unless you cheat yourself. I do hope things work out for the best for yourself & your family, & wish you a happy life. You deserve that.

I have to agree with this. Leaving is usually harder than staying and taking half the blame. No one is perfect, but cheating is just not forgivable IMO, especially since it was more than once. I don't have a what I would call a good marriage and far from a perfect husband but I would never cheat. I would leave though if I were miserable enough. I do hope everything works out for you . Just remeber leopards don't change their spots.

 

[sammyteach]

Good luck to you I hope it works out well for you. Yes both sides need to make it work, but no matter whats wrong or what you are going through you did not make him cheat he made that decision and he carries 99% of the blame for that. Did he try to talk to you before he embarked on his fling? Did he discuss his sadness and loneliness and your isolation or is that a handy excuse?
I hope you come through this but only take responsibility for your own actions not his choices.
Best wishes, from my experience insist on 100% honesty all the time from now on....little things (didyou remember the kids dental appointment)........Big things ( where were you tonight) and most importantly of all truth about how do you feel.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Good luck to you I hope it works out well for you. Yes both sides need to make it work, but no matter whats wrong or what you are going through you did not make him cheat he made that decision and he carries 99% of the blame for that. Did he try to talk to you before he embarked on his fling? Did he discuss his sadness and loneliness and your isolation or is that a handy excuse?
I hope you come through this but only take responsibility for your own actions not his choices.
Best wishes, from my experience insist on 100% honesty all the time from now on....little things (didyou remember the kids dental appointment)........Big things ( where were you tonight) and most importantly of all truth about how do you feel.

Did he try to talk to me about how he was feeling? I don't remember truthfully. We have always had different "needs" He has always said to me that he needs more (you know)- and I have said - ya ya ok. Well he probably got sick of me saying ya ya ok and I got sick of hearing him so I think he stopped asking/talking - you know what I mean?

Not that what I am saying justifies what he has done - because I am sure that we could have choosen to work on it some other way but we didn't. We didn't talk - except pleasantries about our day - how is your day? good, Ok, so is mine. That was it and I am not kidding you. We lived together but were seperate totally and I never recognized it because I just kept on trucking through my days. So he didn't tell me that he was lonely or sad or anything and if he did well, I don't remember.

I am painting a pretty good picture of myself aren't I? I mean here I am existing - basically that is what I have done for the last 3 years, I have existed and it has nothing to do with him at all. I just realized this within the last 2 weeks that I have been going through the motions only these last few years. It has taken a lot of soul searching to see that - because I am blind . So now that I recognize how I have been living, I can change that about me. Like I said before and I will repeat - now is the time to work on me and worry about me to see why I have only been existing and I think I know why, but it is time to let it go and move on with life because I am hurting myself and my kids by not being emotionally available.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

You are a great person to own up to your mistakes. And that's wonderful that you are going to work on YOUR problems. But girl, PLEASE don't take the blame for the choices he made. Remember he had a choice to cheat- he made that choice, he had a choice to disrespect you, he made that choice. Woman have needs too, just like men. Sometimes those needs don't mean the same thing- but the better one controls the desires. Its called self control, self discipline.
Just remember that.
Mulan

 

[mumom95]

Michelle, I have no advice to give you on what is the right thing to do. I've never been through something like this. But what I do know, is when I look back at my life and think about the things I regret, they are all the things I didn't do, not the things I did do. Sure, I've done some stupid things, but when I think back on them I don't wish I hadn't done them. What I wish is that I had done some of the things I didn't have the guts to do (if you can understand that). I don't know if your husband will change and if this will work out. But you seem like you really want to try and make it work. So, I see it two ways: you try now and it works, or if it doesn't work you've wasted a few more years of your life on him. Or, you leave him without trying and you could spend the rest of your life wondering what might have happened if you had tried.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. I will say that I have learned to always follow my heart, because my heart is what I have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

[angel*lady]

Michelle, I have no advice to give you on what is the right thing to do. I've never been through something like this. But what I do know, is when I look back at my life and think about the things I regret, they are all the things I didn't do, not the things I did do. Sure, I've done some stupid things, but when I think back on them I don't wish I hadn't done them. What I wish is that I had done some of the things I didn't have the guts to do (if you can understand that). I don't know if your husband will change and if this will work out. But you seem like you really want to try and make it work. So, I see it two ways: you try now and it works, or if it doesn't work you've wasted a few more years of your life on him. Or, you leave him without trying and you could spend the rest of your life wondering what might have happened if you had tried.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. I will say that I have learned to always follow my heart, because my heart is what I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I totally agree! Well said mumom95! I had a friend in a similar situation years ago who made the same decision - to try one more time. She felt that she owed it to her marriage and her children and didn't want to spend the rest of her life wondering if she had done everything she could to save the marriage. In her case, the final decision was to end the marriage but she did so knowing that she could have peace in her heart that she really tried.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you, your husband and children in my prayers.

 

[mom2mykids]

You are a great person to own up to your mistakes. And that's wonderful that you are going to work on YOUR problems. But girl, PLEASE don't take the blame for the choices he made. Remember he had a choice to cheat- he made that choice, he had a choice to disrespect you, he made that choice. Woman have needs too, just like men. Sometimes those needs don't mean the same thing- but the better one controls the desires. Its called self control, self discipline.
Just remember that.
Mulan

I'm pretty sure she isn't taking the blame for his choices but saying how her actions or lack there of lead them both down the path they followed. Sure her DH made bad choices and could and should have spoke up before cheating. But she sees how she detached from the marriage/wife part and became MOM. I can tell you I know there has been times where more then a month has gone by that DH has gotten nothing from me...hint hint... and I feel horrible about not being a Wife but I am exhausted from being MOM. And for awhile I didn't speak up until one time we had a big fight about him not "getting any" and I had to say Hey maybe you would if I wasn't MOM and housekeep 24/7 once he understood what I was feeling it changed (not right away mind you), "it" all changed,
So, I can certianly see how if you both don't speak up you both head down different roads. Does that make sense?

Michelle, I wish you all the luck. Remember to keep talking and talking and talking! and then talk some more!

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Mulan - I love what you say - I really do!!!! And your right - I can control myself and he can't, he should though and I really thought after the last episode that this could never happen to me again - because he said it wouldn't. WRONG!

Guys, last night I was feeling pretty yucky after spending all day thinking about my part in this fiasco and reading some of the comments here that said that I placed too much blame on myself . So when he came home from work I was still up - 12:30am - We did some talking and guess what he said to me?
He said that:
1. -I think too much about stuff and internalize way too much
2. I need to stop placing the blame on myself for this, yes I had a part in it, but his part was so much bigger and all on him. He needs to be there for me this time and he said he was going to prove that he can be the man I need him to be. I just need to stop beating myself up about this.

So I guess you all are right!! Like you didn't know that already LOL!!!!

So today I am going to stop over blaming myself. I accept what I did and now I have to move on. No more looking back. What does Dori say in Finding Nemo? The phrase she keeps repeating over and over - Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do we swim, swim, swim!!!

 

[kaysmommie]

Mulan - I love what you say - I really do!!!! And your right - I can control myself and he can't, he should though and I really thought after the last episode that this could never happen to me again - because he said it wouldn't. WRONG!

Guys, last night I was feeling pretty yucky after spending all day thinking about my part in this fiasco and reading some of the comments here that said that I placed too much blame on myself . So when he came home from work I was still up - 12:30am - We did some talking and guess what he said to me?
He said that:
1. -I think too much about stuff and internalize way too much
2. I need to stop placing the blame on myself for this, yes I had a part in it, but his part was so much bigger and all on him. He needs to be there for me this time and he said he was going to prove that he can be the man I need him to be. I just need to stop beating myself up about this.

So I guess you all are right!! Like you didn't know that already LOL!!!!

So today I am going to stop over blaming myself. I accept what I did and now I have to move on. No more looking back. What does Dori say in Finding Nemo? The phrase she keeps repeating over and over - Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do we swim, swim, swim!!!

Michelle,
I hope everything works out for you . Just make sure he makes it up to you at least. Prayers to you and your family.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

He said that:
1. -I think too much about stuff and internalize way too much
2. I need to stop placing the blame on myself for this, yes I had a part in it, but his part was so much bigger and all on him. He needs to be there for me this time and he said he was going to prove that he can be the man I need him to be. I just need to stop beating myself up about this.


What does Dori say in Finding Nemo? The phrase she keeps repeating over and over - Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do we swim, swim, swim!!!

Michelle- I must say when I read this, little red flags went off in my head...on 1. he said you think too much... That IS WHO YOU ARE. Who is he to tell you what to think or not think.
And 2. He is saying to you, for you to stop blaming yourself...sounds like he is flipping some of the blame to you. And then the promises and sweet talk come...just be careful!
You are his reward, if he looses you, what does he have?
Sorry, if I am reading this wrong, but if I'm reading it right I hope I am typing the right words to you.
Dory says just keep swimming but when her red flags went up about the trench part- who got stung? All because she didn't listen to herself, she listened to Marlin.
Just a thought!
Mulan

 

[mousefanmichelle]

he said you think too much... That IS WHO YOU ARE. Who is he to tell you what to think or not think.
And 2. He is saying to you, for you to stop blaming yourself...sounds like he is flipping some of the blame to you. And then the promises and sweet talk come...just be careful!
You are his reward, if he looses you, what does he have?

Mulan - I am his REWARD - darn it your right!!!! He has to work for it and work for it and work some more (and I ain't gonna make it ease as pie either!) I didn't really look at his promising me to be "the man he should be" as sweet talk, but ya - it might as well be!!

I do internalize a lot and I want to say I don't think he was telling me to stop being who I am but, instead, to ease up on myself. I am finding ways to blame myself more than I should because he is the schmuck who made this decision to ruin his marriage and kill his wife's trust and belief in him. All on him baby!!!!!!