Need advice not disney related- very very long - UPDATE post #15

[eh24fan]

Unfortunately, been there done that OP. 3 years ago this August, I found my husband of nearly 4 years was cheating on me with a "friend." They had a sexual "thing" (I can't call it a relationship) prior to he and I meeting. To this day he will tell me they weren't together until we separated, but I know he's lying to me. It's a horrible feeling to have it confirmed even after suspecting. My son was 4 years old at the time and I also had 2 stepdaughters who were 8 and 7. My heart broke and their lives were torn apart. Walk away...do NOT try to fix things, don't do the one more chance thing either. I did it, because I was desperate to keep my familiy together. In the end, I was just hurt even more. Fast forward 3 years...they are married, I have the greatest fiance and 2 awesome kids. Things worked out for the absolute best! I thought I would never recover and he put me through a lot of stuff that I'm not going to get into on here, just know that it was the worst possible divorce scenario. Nowadays we all get along and work together for visitation and all that. He and I talk almost daily. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you WILL be ok! So will your kids! Stay strong, but don't forget to get yourself be angry and grieve.

 

[Butwhyistherumgone?]

I have no advice or words of wisdom ~ I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this
Stay strong and do what is best for you and your children

 

[rie'smom]

Like the PP,I have no more advice. I just want to say to Michelle and to any others of you going through this heartbreak that I'm sorry for your pain. Y'all have friends on the DIS,so anytime you need a shoulder,we're here. God Bless.
ETA: I went through a horrible first marriage and came through it. I've been happily married now for 25 years to an almost perfect man. Sometimes, I know it may seem hopeless but I'm here to say there is hope. Hang in.

 

[natenapril]

Michelle, I am glad you called her and now know. The wondering would have killed me. I am sorry for the pain you are going through.

 

[hugabearjo]

Michelle-

I do understand, I could have written your posts about 8 years ago. I was a stay at home mom, 3 kids, had forgiven DH of an affair when DS #3 was 6 weeks old. Many other times I wondered. Finally I could prove another affair and I was done. Was it easy.... NO!!! I went back to school and now provide for my family. I know you can too. I went through the I have to be near my kids thing too. get some temp. orders in place, surround yourself with family and friends.

You will be okay. Keep strong and I am here if you want to talk. PM me.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you on this journey. You will someday look back and be stronger and proud.

Lastly, this is the hardest part, get yourself STD tested. and again in 6 months. That was the worst but, it is great peace of mind.

Okay really Lastly, as for the eatting and sleeping it will come. Force yourself to eat small healthy things. For me soup or oatmeal are comfort foods they are warm. It took literally me forcing myself to eat to do it. You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of the kids.

Take care-
Hugs

 

[GoingtoWDWagain]

Saw this post and being in your age range, married with children, I decided to read this post. I am so sorry and wish you and your children the best. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and your children.

I have a relative that cheated on his spouse four times and she always took him back. Finally after taking him back after a fourth affair, she went for therpy and found she was no longer in love with him and needed to move on. Long story short, she divorced him and is now getting her life back on track. So, yes once a cheater always a cheater.

You deserve better, he has no respect for you and his family. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't allow him to make you feel guilty for seperating. Your only concern should be for you and your children, he left you many years ago when/while he was having his affair.

I wish you and your children the best and hope you can get through this and move on as quickly as possible, I'm sure it won't be easy but you have to put yourself first from here on end. Take care.

 

[LisaNJ25]

(((((((((( Michelle)))))))))))))

 

[GraysMom]

No advice, just lots of for you and your kids.

 

[lil_ragamuffins]

I'm so sorry Michelle. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. Stay strong, you and your children will be better off in the end.

 

[kaysmommie]

Like I said - I have been with him since I was 15 years old - I am 36 and this is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I got married to be that way forever. What now? This is uncharted territory for me.

For god's sakes we were supposed to go on a family vacation next week - take the kids camping. My 11 year olds crying because we will never get a camper again. And he wants to talk to his dad - who left to go home to mommy and daddy's house. So my 11 y/o calls him at 12:20am and guess what - that stupid stupid man comes home to our house and puts up a tent in the yard because "he needs to be close to his kids" - what an idiot! Don't you think he should have thought about that 10 months ago!!!!!!! I am sorry I am venting, I am just soooo dang angry. My mo-in-law came over last night crying asking me if there was any way we could work this out - YA RIGHT! no way - I am so over this.

For all of you that have responded and are in the same or like situation - hang in there, I will say a pray for you that it doesn't turn out like my situation.

Michelle

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I read the first 2 posts and was going to say I absolutely think he is cheating, and unfortunately I was right. If he was so worried about his family (kids) he would have been faithful to you. I would be angry too. you deserve so much better than this. It's painful when you think you will raise your family and stay together forever and that doesn't happen. I think 11 years is a long time to live a lie. You and your children will be in my prayers. I agree move on as quickly as possible and don't let him waste anymore of your time and love.

 

[MomtoEmIs&Ow]

I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to sat that I am really sorry that you are having to go through all this! You, and your children deserve better!

Lee

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Michelle,

I'm very sorry to hear about all that you've gone through. I was wondering if you'd thought about seeing a Marriage and Family Counselor? Not with your husband but with your kids. As things progress, it might be good to have a professional for you and kids to talk with. A really good counselor can help you put things in perspective and help you deal with the emotions and the practical matters of a separation.

Good luck to you all!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

to all of you in this situation. My heart breaks for you.

 

[poohbearrocks]

i am so sorry!! my dh was a cheater on his GFs ...although i don't think or have a reason to think he has done this to me...but this is a HUGE fear to me!! i wish it had a different outcome!!! lots of hugs!!

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

UPDATE:

Well I called the number on my way home from work and left a message on it - saying leave my husband alone look for whatever is missing in your own marriage - there are kids involved - yadda yadda.

SHE CALLED ME BACK!

She is the same woman from 11 years ago - thought the names were too similar... She said that the relationship is physical and emotional and that she ended it a couple of weeks ago.

I got home called dh at work and told him to get his you know what home.

He came home and told me all of it and I told him go to he... and that we are over to get out.

What a strange feeling this is. I can't eat since Thursday and I can't sleep and I am in knots. I hate what he has done to me and to our family. I hate him.

thanks for your input everyone.

Michelle

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. I know it stinks, BTDT! You have to find the strength to eat. Make it something small, but you must eat. Your kids need you!!! Skipping meals and missing sleep isn't going to make you feel better. The best thing you have done was to stand up for yourself. You should be very proud of yourself, you should have great respect for yourself. You gave it everything you have and you even tried to make it work, this is no reflection on you. This is all him. He is acting very selfishly and is putting his ego before the family. I hope you will be ok, I will pray for you and your family. This is a great step for you!!!! You will be ok, you are a strong woman!!!!

 

[luvtogo12]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Surround yourself with friends and family, people you can trust.
As others suggested, try eating small portions.

Stay strong!!

 

[angel*lady]

You are in my prayers.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I feel pretty good today. I left work early yesterday to go home and sort some stuff out. We are seperating for sure. I need time and space.

I have loved this man for better than 1/2 my life - do I still love him? Yes a part of me always will because despite the fact that he can't keep his whoo-hoo in his pants he is a good father to our kids, he is a good provider and whatnot. Does that make me want to keep him around? Not really, those nicities don't factor into this equation.

Now what he has done - is his responsibility and his burden and he has to stand before God on judgement day and account for it, not me. I own my responsibility in our relationship - I own the fact that I shut down about 3 years ago when my mom died of cancer. I own that I don't talk to him and tell him what is going on - I own the fact that you need to be emotionally involved in your marriage and I was not and if you aren't there emotionally you aren't there physically either. Did I cause this to happen to myself? No, but I played a part in it to some degree and I have no problems admitting that. I have big enough shoulders to carry that and I will.

I think that counseling for myself and maybe the kids would do us all some good. After really thinking yesterday about my life for the last 15 years - I realized that I don't even know who I am anymore. Whats up with that?!!!LOL. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a worker, a sister - but what AM I TO ME? I have no idea.

I am sorry this is really getting deep, but I just want to say thank you to each of you for your concerns, your stories, your prayers. It helps - it really really does. Again, for those of you out there that can relate to my story or are going through your own right now - stand up for yourself because you are important and you are worth something - lets be strong for each other!!!!!

Michelle

 

[Nom]

I am so sorry to read this! I almost got divorced last year (cheating was not involved, and we ended up working things out), so I know how awful a feeling it is to have your world turned upsidown in an instant.

My biggest fear was how divorce would impact my dd. I read a great book called 'The Good Divorce' that I would highly recommend- it showed me that kids can thrive in divorced families, and that not all kids from divorced families end up being hurt by the divorce. That book gave me lots of peace of mind, early on.

I would also try to scrape together the cash to have an initial consultation with a lawyer. You need to protect yourself and your kids. No matter what ends up happening down the road, with a seperation you should start thinking about custody and visitation. If not, your h will continue to pull stunts like pitching tents on the lawn. If you can get some sort of temporary visitation plan in place, YOU are taking control of your and your kids lives- it will help you feel better.

Finally, I agree, therapy will help you sort through all the emotions you are dealing with right now. In my case, one day everything was good (in my opinion), then my dh just told me he wanted a divorce. My whole world collapsed- like you, I have been with dh since I was 16. To think of life on my own was unthinkable. Therapy helped a lot.

I hope this helps- continue to post and feel free to PM if you want to. The key thing you should do today is call and make an apt to see a lawyer. Just because you see a lawyer does not mean you are rushing to divorce- lawyers are needed in a seperation as well when kids are involved, to formally structure the custody and visitation.

Best of luck to you!

Noelle

 

[mousefanmichelle]

NOM - Thanks! BTW you and my daughter share the exact same name - spelling and all!! Not often I see that so I wanted to take a second to note it.

I am not afraid of being alone that much I know about me for sure. For the last 13 years I have worked days and my husband has worked afternoons and I even posted a while back when someone asked does it work? I said I thought it did. I have been having my doubts about that for the last year though. We have proved it doesn't work even when you think it does. We have lived 2 seperate lives for so long now that I don't even think I know how we could exist working the same shift and sharing our lives anymore. That said since we have lived this way - I am basically the single parent. I take care of the kids, the homework, the lunches, the day to day stuff. I have his support financially to help pay the bills but I don't have his support emotionally nor does he have my help emotionally - that is the biggest down fall for us - communication. I stopped talking because he wasn't around to live my life with me. So I have a good job and with his help I could support the 4 of us - that doesn't scare me at all. I could pick up today, pack my stuff move into another house/apartment/condo and know that I am going to be ok. What scares me is that unfortunatly I love this schmuck. I don't want to get sucked back in. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to believe him anymore. I don't want to be a sucker for him. I am smart and level headed and I want to be that way with him too.