NBR-vent

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Yes, but the thing is, everyone, or mostly everyone, where I live has to have two incomes just to get by. Not to buy brand names and get their hair cut either. I am talking to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Rent is so expensive around here. I just don't know how one paycheck can cover even basic expenses.

I also have to say, it offends me when people think mothers work just to be able to afford expensive haircuts and brand name clothes. Some of us work for the reasons stated above.

Maybe it is a regional thing. Of my friends that work none of them have to work they choose to, to have the fancy clothes, nicer cars, boats etc and I know this because they admit it, and think I am crazy to not "get a job". I have no friends personally who work and don't have lots of extras. So maybe it is a location thing, for example our 1200 sf house is vaued at $84,000. I certinaly did not mean to imply that you or anyone else I don't know works only for extras, but that seems to be my personal experience.

 

[disneymom3]

Summer has been a problem area for several years now because of getting the stepkids. He is not willing to pay for daycare for them because he figures if he is going to just stick them with a babysitter, he may as well let their mother keep them. Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. Otherwise, we are finding lots of free activities nearby and spending plenty of time at the playground. My grand plan is to put extra back starting in September so that next summer I can take off all summer with the kids but we will see how that works.

Are you really okay with this?? He doesnt' want the kids in daycare but he doesn't see them anyway, you do? And he MIGHT give you money to do things with HIS children? And why do YOU have to put extra money back to take the summer off and spend time with these poor kids? Please please tell me your DH takes some time off while they are there to hang with them? Otherwise, quite honestly I can understand his exwife's point of view. Sorry to be harsh, but there it is.

Holy crap, girl. I would be beyond ticked.

 

[Kriii]

I have to say, I am so sorry for the OP. No matter what the particular bookeeping system, spouses should share and share alike whether it be income or bills! No matter who incurred the debt, spouses are partners and one should not wash his hands of the debt repayment. There have been times I've earned more and times my spouse has earned more. Right now he earns a lot more but the money is "ours" and no one has greater claim on it than the other. I have always worked, sometimes by necessity and sometimes by choice but not because my husband thinks I owe it to him pay part of the bills. When we got married, I had zero debt but he had at least 20K of college debt that didn't get paid off until I finished college myself and spent two years applying nearly all of my salary to pay off. Spouses do that kind of thing for each other and it would have been selfish for me to do otherwise. I am reading this thread thinking I am lucky, lucky, lucky that I am treated as an equal partner! Please, OP, re-examine your situation. You sound like a nice person who does is making excuses for some pretty poor behavior on your husband's part. It is ridiculous that he does not want you to work, keeps you short of money and somehow is making you think that this is all ok. The fact that you posted makes me think that you are starting to realize something is very wrong.

 

[dogluva]

Maybe it is a regional thing. Of my friends that work none of them have to work they choose to, to have the fancy clothes, nicer cars, boats etc and I know this because they admit it, and think I am crazy to not "get a job". I have no friends personally who work and don't have lots of extras. So maybe it is a location thing, for example our 1200 sf house is vaued at $84,000. I certinaly did not mean to imply that you or anyone else I don't know works only for extras, but that seems to be my personal experience.

I do think it is a location thing. Houses around here are three times that, if not more. They are ranches and splits, not mansions, either. I am amazed when I watch house hunters-the amount of house for the money in some parts of the country is amazing! I am so jealous!

I have to admit, though, even if I didn't have to work, I think I would. I am lucky enough to love what I do and only have to work part of the year. I can also work part time if I want.

But with us, I have no choice. Especially with the amount of food I have to buy to feed eight people and a son in college.

 

[DaisyD]

I am amazed at all the SAHM on this board. I really don't know anyone who is home with their kids full time anymore, and I don't think I have every known anyone who stays home and their kids are in school full time.

I live in MA-is it because everything is so expensive around here?

Oh, I really don't care either way, I think being at home is a big comitment and I do it in the summer myself. It is not easy in the least. I am just wondering how everyone does it.

Most of my friends are SAHMs too. We live outside of Annapolis which is pretty pricey. The whole area is actually. I love being home even though the last kid is in school full time. Not only do I keep the house up, cook, and laundry but I'm also the painter, decorator, chauffer, and everything else. It works well for us. I also think since we live in an area that pays really well, there are many of us that can afford to have one parent home.

 

[DaisyD]

Maybe it is a regional thing. Of my friends that work none of them have to work they choose to, to have the fancy clothes, nicer cars, boats etc and I know this because they admit it, and think I am crazy to not "get a job". I have no friends personally who work and don't have lots of extras. So maybe it is a location thing, for example our 1200 sf house is vaued at $84,000. I certinaly did not mean to imply that you or anyone else I don't know works only for extras, but that seems to be my personal experience.

IDK. The houses around here are $500,000 and up for a decent place. I really think it has to do with the type of jobs that are abundant around here and how much they pay.

 

[jodifla]

I am amazed at all the SAHM on this board. I really don't know anyone who is home with their kids full time anymore, and I don't think I have every known anyone who stays home and their kids are in school full time.

I live in MA-is it because everything is so expensive around here?

Oh, I really don't care either way, I think being at home is a big comitment and I do it in the summer myself. It is not easy in the least. I am just wondering how everyone does it.

I think it is a location thing, and a bit of self-selection. Working moms tend to hang with working moms, and SAHMs with SAHMs.

Of my closet dozen or so friends in Florida, ALL work. And in careers, not jobs. And for the last 25 years.

In my group of acquaintances in a very affluent county in the Midwest where we are at now, LOTS of SAHMs.

 

[la79al]

DH has some issues left over from his first marriage. He put his wife in charge of finances and she went on shopping sprees instead of paying the bills. When we got together, we each had our own bills that we paid with our own paychecks. Somehow this never changed and has never been a problem (until I started staying home). When we go out on weekends, or out to dinner, he pays because he makes more than me (and always has). At one point we talked about what bills I could handle and we talk before we add another bill to the household. Money was put aside for me to stay home with the understanding that I would use it in part to pay certain bills. When the money is gone, I will be returning to work.
As far as the stepkids, why does it matter whose they are? They come to our house for half the summer and need to be supervised. I'm not going to look at him and say pay for care or send them back to their mother because, call me selfish, but I enjoy having them here and spending time with them. Yes, DH takes some time off while they are here and we plan plenty of family activities on evenings and weekends. The issue is, regardless of who would pay for daycare/summer camp, it ends up being cheaper for me to just stay home with them (which I love doing). If I run out of money before the end of summer, I will definitely be sitting down with DH and running the numbers. We talked again today about me starting to watch this other child. DH says he knows it was initially his idea but this mother in particular does not sound stable and he does not want me to get into the middle of a bad situation. We also talked about the upcoming holiday and birthdays. DH will be taking care of Easter for all 3 children. I will be sitting down this week and planning DDs birthday party so DH and I can discuss it next week on vacation. I was panicking because I saw the bills piling up and the account dwindling, but I think most of that comes back on me for not communicating with DH about what I needed/wanted.
In the fall, I have to head back to work part time, with a couple extra hours thrown in if I have to help pay for DDs childcare. Another extra couple hours will get me spending money for our Disney trip and hopefully most of the summer off with the kids. I have to be honest though, I secretly hope that like many of you mentioned, DH realizes that the job of raising the kids and keeping up with the house are more important than me working outside the home and he makes it work so I can stay home. Until then, I am just going to enjoy every minute with my baby and our fun filled summer with the stepkids.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

OP, just curious, what is your profession that you are able to take off summers? You mention working part time, so I take it it is not teaching, unless it is as a classroom aide.

 

[MoniqueU]

I am usually not harsh but I think you are letting yourself be a doormat to your husbands controlling ways. You try and speak up and he puts you off complaining of work stress and you are ok with that? You are talking about stuff next week that should of been taken care of months ago? Don't let yourself fall into the trap of being a controled wife. I am watching a close friend right now at the end stages of a divorce that started off with behavior just like your husbands. I think you are making excuses for him and thereby making excuses for why you are putting up with his crap. This is more then about money in my eyes and I would give up the dream of staying home with my child and RUN.

I am sure that is not what you want to hear but thats how I feel.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

Wow. I really don't know what to say.
All I can say, la97al, is that I'd really have a hard time living in a situation/relationship like that.
I get that this is how you both always paid your bills (his/yours with seperate incomes) and I realize that works well for others- but when one is bringing in zero income but not only caring for the "our" child but also the stepchildren.... that can't work anymore!
Now if his income is just flat out not enough for you to stay at home and not bring in income- that's one thing. But some of the way you are describing how things "are" or how he expects things... just blow my mind. I cannot in a million years imagine having to ask my DH to pay for ANY child of his (also mine or his from previous relationship) easter things, birthday, etc. That would be a GIVEN. It would not even have to be discussed- especially if I wasn't working and unable to just pay for it myself. I wouldn't have to discuss that with him- what's the alternative? YOU pay for it out of your dwindling "stay home" money you put aside or no birthday at all? (and previous to your discussion- what was the alternative for Easter? YOU pay for your stepchildren's Easter or they get nothing at all?)

It truly boggles the mind.
I think the discussion needs to be "things change". That would be the subject of our discussion. If he makes enough income that you could continue to stay home and you working was not absolutely necessary in order for you to all live with atleast basic needs- it would not be let's discuss how we're going to pay for DD's birthday- it would be let's discuss how "things have changed" from how they were when we first got together. Now we have a child together, now I'm caring for our baby plus stepchidren on summers/etc. Now we are a WE/US and my bills and your bills are now "ours". The discussion would also include how much more costs WE (not just you, WE) would have if I went back to work.... childcare/etc. -plus not to mention someone else would be spending more time with our child than we were. (not to mention household chores, etc.) Discuss how all that needs to be handled EQUALLY by both- and on a combined effort type of relationship- not a "his/her" half kind of way.

Unless you just like the relationship the way it is? I don't want to offend you so if that is the case- disregard what I wrote above but if not, this is something that needs to be discussed and how the discussion goes depends on whether or not I'd want to reevaluate the relationship all together. I'm being serious. I could not be in a marriage that is all "yours/mine" instead of "ours" and have to be stressing out about things that shouldn't even be an issue. I mean like if he makes enough for the party- and the Easter stuff- that isn't even something (IMO) that should have to be discussed and figure out who pays for it. The whole thing makes me sad. again not trying to offend you, I just cannot wrap my brain around being in a marriage like that.

 

[ashlansmom]

I'm sorry, I didn't have the time to read ALL the posts. But my opinion is that your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too.

FOr you to stay home with your OWN child you have to jump through all his hoops, he's so generous to give you a portion of your own tax money, and he expects you to pay household bills while you are making nothing. He doesn't "pay" you anything to care for the child you have together, but he doesn't have to pay for childcare either. Is this to say if you worked, YOU would solely pay for childcare? Was your agreement that if you had this child he wouldn't have to support it?

Now on the flip side, I'm sure he's paying child support for his children from the previous marriage, as he should. But he expects YOU to stay home and keep them all summer and MAYBE he'll give you some spending money? MAYBE he'll pay for their birthday presents out of HIS money? All while you search for a giftcard to buy your own child a present for the first birthday? Does he not think he should chip in for your child's gift? This is ludicrous!

It seems that you need to have a discussion with your husband! First off, if this is really the financial set up, then he SHOULD be paying for his own children's birthday presents, and he should not only be giving you spending money to do things with them this summer, he should also be paying you whatever he would have to pay a babysitter to take care of them. Maybe if he did THAT you would have the money to stay home all year! If his view of you being able to stay home is you having to pay some bills, then he should be paying YOU whatever he would have to pay in childcare if you worked.

It doesn't matter whose kids are whose, his mine or ours... I understand you like being with them, etc. BUT he is treating your child together as YOUR expense, and also acting as his own kids are YOUR expense. Seems the money thing is his way, when it works to HIS advantage especially.

It's a double standard.... why would he expect you to stay with his kids, but have no issue making you go back to work and putting your child together in daycare? Unless you guys had some interesting agreements on how things would be if you had this child together, it seems to me that he is out of line and you guys should sit down and re-evaluate your financial set up! Good luck, I don't mean to be harsh. I am a SAHM, my husband does not "pay" me... but he also doesn't expect me to have money to pay bills, and if I spend money on something he doesn't ask any questions.... his money is OUR MONEY. The best thing for us right now is for ME to be home, and we prefer, since we can do it, for me to be raising our child during the day rather than having to send her to daycare. It's not easy, and we've changed our priorities and given up a lot, but its been so worth it! That being said, I have lots of friends whose children are in daycare and they love it!

 

[bunny]

In the OPs husband's defense, we are only hearing her side of the story. Even though her husband makes more money than she does, he is probably paying at least 30% of his income to child support. Maybe they agreed that she would go back to work after a few months. Maybe he doesn't want to work overtime or two jobs to allow her to do that. Obviously she changed her mind and is changing her end of the agreement. It sounds like her husband is under a lot of stress. Sometimes I think SAHMs tend to not realize what a stressful workplace most working people deal with on a day to day basis, especially in this economy. With regards to babysitting it sounds like he doesn't want to come home after working all day to someone else's two year old in their home. I agree that they should share money, but if she agreed to go back to work, she should live up to her word. Being a SAHM should be a joint decision. If he had problems with this in his prior marriage, he is probably leary about doing it again.

I know alot of people argue that since they were a SAHM it allowed their husband to progress faster and make more income. Well, since I worked at a career in the last 10 years, my income has doubled. My husband's has doubled as well. Maybe his income would have trippled, but together we are still making a lot more than that. Instead of me spending 90% of the time with the children we both spend 50/50. He knows the children as well as I do. We are truly a team. On top of that, our children are able to attend private school and have fully funded college accounts.

Every family needs to reach their own decision about what is best for them. But if the OP initially agreed to this, she needs to either do it or convince her husband why she shouldn't, or she will end up divorced and will be working much harder than any married mom. The life of single mom will make her current life look like a piece of cake.

 

[PinkRhombus]

With regards to babysitting it sounds like he doesn't want to come home after working all day to someone else's two year old in their home.

Not only that, but if you start babysitting other people's kids (NOT meaning your stepchildren) in your home...you are stuck there. You can't go to the zoo or park (usually....extra insurance might be required otherwise). You can't go to our own kids class parties or field trips. You can't go to their own Christmas shows. If your kids are sick and have to go to the doctor, you have to find someone else to take your kid or call the parents and say they have to find someone else to watch their kid.

If that's something that you HAVE to do, then do whatever it takes...but it would be a last resort for me. I'd rather go back to work than watch other people's kids all the time.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

DH has some issues left over from his first marriage. He put his wife in charge of finances and she went on shopping sprees instead of paying the bills. When we got together, we each had our own bills that we paid with our own paychecks. Somehow this never changed and has never been a problem (until I started staying home). When we go out on weekends, or out to dinner, he pays because he makes more than me (and always has). At one point we talked about what bills I could handle and we talk before we add another bill to the household. Money was put aside for me to stay home with the understanding that I would use it in part to pay certain bills. When the money is gone, I will be returning to work.
As far as the stepkids, why does it matter whose they are? They come to our house for half the summer and need to be supervised. I'm not going to look at him and say pay for care or send them back to their mother because, call me selfish, but I enjoy having them here and spending time with them. Yes, DH takes some time off while they are here and we plan plenty of family activities on evenings and weekends. The issue is, regardless of who would pay for daycare/summer camp, it ends up being cheaper for me to just stay home with them (which I love doing). If I run out of money before the end of summer, I will definitely be sitting down with DH and running the numbers. We talked again today about me starting to watch this other child. DH says he knows it was initially his idea but this mother in particular does not sound stable and he does not want me to get into the middle of a bad situation. We also talked about the upcoming holiday and birthdays. DH will be taking care of Easter for all 3 children. I will be sitting down this week and planning DDs birthday party so DH and I can discuss it next week on vacation. I was panicking because I saw the bills piling up and the account dwindling, but I think most of that comes back on me for not communicating with DH about what I needed/wanted.
In the fall, I have to head back to work part time, with a couple extra hours thrown in if I have to help pay for DDs childcare. Another extra couple hours will get me spending money for our Disney trip and hopefully most of the summer off with the kids. I have to be honest though, I secretly hope that like many of you mentioned, DH realizes that the job of raising the kids and keeping up with the house are more important than me working outside the home and he makes it work so I can stay home. Until then, I am just going to enjoy every minute with my baby and our fun filled summer with the stepkids.

OP, how do you expect to pay for your student loans and all of your other financial obligations if your become a permanent SAHM? Do you anticipate having to go to your DH for every dollar you need? You're "secretly hoping" that your DH will realize that being a SAHM is better for the family but unless you communicate this to him, don't expect him to have a change of mind. And let me tell you, men resent it when the women in their lives change the rules without notifying them. Your agreement was that you would return to work when the saved money ran out. Your DH has every right to expect you to stick to the agreement unless the two of you have talked about changing those plans.

And I have to say that right now, your planning is all over the place. In one sentence, you're talking about how you'll set aside money from your job to cover next summer's expenses (see prior posts), pay for a Disney World trip and your DD's daycare costs. Then in the next sentence, you're plotting to stay home indefinitely with no indication that you will have any income.

I still believe that you need to have a BIG talk with your DH about your future finances and plans. If you want to be a SAHM, then communicate this to him and work the numbers to show how you can make it possible. But please don't just leave those thoughts unspoken. Your DH is not a mind-reader and he needs to know what your intentions are.

 

[jodifla]

In the OPs husband's defense, we are only hearing her side of the story. Even though her husband makes more money than she does, he is probably paying at least 30% of his income to child support. Maybe they agreed that she would go back to work after a few months. Maybe he doesn't want to work overtime or two jobs to allow her to do that. Obviously she changed her mind and is changing her end of the agreement. It sounds like her husband is under a lot of stress. Sometimes I think SAHMs tend to not realize what a stressful workplace most working people deal with on a day to day basis, especially in this economy. With regards to babysitting it sounds like he doesn't want to come home after working all day to someone else's two year old in their home. I agree that they should share money, but if she agreed to go back to work, she should live up to her word. Being a SAHM should be a joint decision. If he had problems with this in his prior marriage, he is probably leary about doing it again.

I know alot of people argue that since they were a SAHM it allowed their husband to progress faster and make more income. Well, since I worked at a career in the last 10 years, my income has doubled. My husband's has doubled as well. Maybe his income would have trippled, but together we are still making a lot more than that. Instead of me spending 90% of the time with the children we both spend 50/50. He knows the children as well as I do. We are truly a team. On top of that, our children are able to attend private school and have fully funded college accounts.

Every family needs to reach their own decision about what is best for them. But if the OP initially agreed to this, she needs to either do it or convince her husband why she shouldn't, or she will end up divorced and will be working much harder than any married mom. The life of single mom will make her current life look like a piece of cake.

This is a great post, filled with a lot of truths women don't like to hear.
I think a lot of SAHMs underestimate how stressful it is to be the sole breadwinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know several men who'd like to be the one to step out of the working ratrace and spend more time with the kids.

 

[cseca]

hmm... this thread got me thinking...

I'm one of those household with separate accts and I'm a SAH(almost)M right now. We are able to do so because we sat down and figure out our finances in the beginning. We agree to separate the bills a certain way. For example:
Me - vacations, medicals, extra savings, food & fun
DH - The rest of household expenses plus investments

We both have allowances, because if not how would we know we're making the budget. I'm a little bit jealous of all of you SAHM who can spend anything they want from their joint acct However, this way of living is working well for us and it curbs our shopping impulses to know that we have to save save save in order to get what we really want.

All the $ coming in is accounted for, which means that we have very little surprises... (I like it that way). Last year when we received a bonus, it was a nice little addition to our savings acct.

And like most of PPs said, any big spending (above $100) for household stuff needs to be agreed on by both and figured out where the $ comes from. Maybe one day we'll be well to do enough to be not as nitpicky about our finances... But now we are expecting our first child and we would prefer to continue staying out of debt (except for mortgage and his car) for the rest of our lives. Even if it requires a bit more $ monitoring...

To the OP:
My suggestion is write down ALL your finances and future possible spending as far out as you can (maybe until the end of the year). See where you might be lacking and then find time to discuss it with your DH.

I know you said he's stressed but it would be better to discuss it now BEFORE you ran out of $ then later. Then figure out a plan together. Maybe he then will see that you do need the babysitting income and be open to that. Or maybe he'll come up with another suggestions, like redoing both your budget and figuring out where the $ should come from without you having to work immediately.

I think (especially for men), it is better to see numbers than hearing "honey, I think we're running out of $..." speech. If he sees the numbers on paper, it will give a higher sense of urgency than just saying "I'm worried...". YKWIM?

Good luck on your decisions.

ps: I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do household finances (separate vs. joint) as long as you are both happy, transparent AND no getting in debt....

 

[dogluva]

This is a great post, filled with a lot of truths women don't like to hear.
I think a lot of SAHMs underestimate how stressful it is to be the sole breadwinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know several men who'd like to be the one to step out of the working ratrace and spend more time with the kids.

I agree. My kids are with their father six hours out of every day. He works third shift right now and I work days. He used to work early mornings until around 2 so he could be with the kid. I would never take this away from him so we both work. He has also been laid off twice in 15 monthsl, THankfully, we had my job to get us through the weeks it took him to find work.

Kids grow very fast, i want my kids to be with their father while they still want to be with him.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

This is a great post, filled with a lot of truths women don't like to hear.
I think a lot of SAHMs underestimate how stressful it is to be the sole breadwinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know several men who'd like to be the one to step out of the working ratrace and spend more time with the kids.

I totally understand the stress that my DH carries being the sole breadwinner. Fortunatly he totally understands the stress associated with being a SAHM too. I think a lot of people underestimate that. While it is different there is also stress being the one to deal with everything at home. Just my opinion. I don't usually get into the SAHM/WM discussions because I think everyone has to do what's best for their family...

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

hmm... this thread got me thinking...

I'm one of those household with separate accts and I'm a SAH(almost)M right now. We are able to do so because we sat down and figure out our finances in the beginning. We agree to separate the bills a certain way. For example:
Me - vacations, medicals, extra savings, food & fun
DH - The rest of household expenses plus investments

We both have allowances, because if not how would we know we're making the budget. I'm a little bit jealous of all of you SAHM who can spend anything they want from their joint acct However, this way of living is working well for us and it curbs our shopping impulses to know that we have to save save save in order to get what we really want.

All the $ coming in is accounted for, which means that we have very little surprises... (I like it that way). Last year when we received a bonus, it was a nice little addition to our savings acct.

And like most of PPs said, any big spending (above $100) for household stuff needs to be agreed on by both and figured out where the $ comes from. Maybe one day we'll be well to do enough to be not as nitpicky about our finances... But now we are expecting our first child and we would prefer to continue staying out of debt (except for mortgage and his car) for the rest of our lives. Even if it requires a bit more $ monitoring...

To the OP:
My suggestion is write down ALL your finances and future possible spending as far out as you can (maybe until the end of the year). See where you might be lacking and then find time to discuss it with your DH.

I know you said he's stressed but it would be better to discuss it now BEFORE you ran out of $ then later. Then figure out a plan together. Maybe he then will see that you do need the babysitting income and be open to that. Or maybe he'll come up with another suggestions, like redoing both your budget and figuring out where the $ should come from without you having to work immediately.

I think (especially for men), it is better to see numbers than hearing "honey, I think we're running out of $..." speech. If he sees the numbers on paper, it will give a higher sense of urgency than just saying "I'm worried...". YKWIM?

Good luck on your decisions.

ps: I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do household finances (separate vs. joint) as long as you are both happy, transparent AND no getting in debt....

First off- being an "almost" SAHM is not the same as being a SAHM. I mean no offense by that- I've worked, and now I'm a SAHM and I'm just saying it's not the same nor can you know what it's like until you are ACTUALLY a SAHM instead of "almost".
Secondly- I'm unclear of what you're talking about on splitting the finances- the point is that doesn't work, can't work, if you aren't bringing in any income. It just won't. How would you continue to pay for vacations, medical, extra savings, food and fun if you aren't bringing in an income, which apparently you are at the present time? You could use savings- but it runs out eventually.

Here's where I think the real problem lies- it's twofold. One it was intended for her to use money she had put aside to pay off some of the bills while staying at home and now it's running out BUT I think another part of the problem is that she's expected to pay some things that just don't seem fair to most- especially SAHM's. Okay sure- if it was agreed she'd continue to pay her bills/debts she brought into the relationship then she should. And if she can't- well there's only 2 things that can happen- either she goes back to work to be able to pay for those things OR things change- the agreement changes (for whatever reasons- the biggest of which being the primary one to take care of their child plus the stepchildren instead of putting them into daycare). that's all there is to that- one of those two things have to happen.

But I think where the "problem" lies that many are up in arms about (including myself to some degree) is that the "other" things don't seem fair. I mean she has to worry about gifts or a birthday party for their child's first birthday party? She has to worry about if he'll "give" her money to help entertain the kids, including his from a previous relationship, all summer? These things and a few others she mentioned just don't seem right... to expect that of someone who is not bringing in an income and is caring for the children. I'm not sure if others agree with me but to me that comes off as he's not appreciating what she DOES and is only thinking of the money she isn't bringing in. Period. And that would offend me if I was in that situation. In my relationship we are not just $ signs. I know we're only hearing one side of this but if that is how it really is- if everything is exactly like she's stated it- it does appear that it's all about the $$ signs and personally I find that very sad.