NBR-vent

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

I'm having a hard time understanding your post. At first it sounded like your dh was supportive of you staying home, but now it sounds like he wants you to work.

I'd suggest sitting down together and running the numbers, but it doesn't sound like you share finances? I think it's pretty impossible to stay home without shared finances because as a SAHM, you make nothing.

Ditto

I'm not sure why your DH would expect you to pay half the household finances- you aren't making any money. If you can't pay all the bills with his income, you do need to go back to work. But if his income pays it all - isn't that the only option? It's also odd that you husband would expect you to pay for a birthday party or gift from your money (which won't exist because you have no income) - isn't your DD his child too?

Ditto

Yeah, why the heck are you responsible for household bills?? That is crazy if you are "working for your daughter". Now, I understand that everyone handles money differently, so I am not making any judgements. But whatever money my husband makes, is OUR money. Not his, not mine. We have one account which takes care of everyone's needs. If you are at home caring for your home and child, that is a job of real value. You and your hubby are equals and have equal responsibities. The division of money should be fair too.

But that is just my humble opinion...

Ditto

If that is the way he thinks then you should "charge" him for child care. He should be paying you half of what it would cost to put your DD in day care. You are saving the family a lot of money in child care and since that is the way you do bills, splitting them in half, then he should be paying you his half of day care since if you went back to work he would have to pay for half of daycare.

I think that if he supports you in staying home with DD then you should re-think how the bills are paid. If you have no income then how does he actually expect you to contribute to the expences?

Ditto

Wow. He may offer you spending money? I'm glad my husband freely shares his earnings with me. I thought that was what marriage was all about, especially since I take care of the home and the children so he can make a living for us.

couldn't possibly agree more

I am sorry to say this and I hope I don't make anyone mad by dong it, but it sounds like your DH is way to controlling. Your posts are raising the red flags all over the place for me. They read to me like what I have heard from verbally abused women in the past. Their husbands use words to destroy thier self astemm and control every aspect of their lives. It seems to me that he dictates and you do what he says. He MAY give you spending money????? You are caring for HIS stepkids. He should be funding it! You are NOT overreacting. That sounds like it came striaght out of his mouth! He is not ready for YOU to start babysitting? You DD is 11 months right? The whole wait until she is older thing is just a ploy in my opinion. Have you considered the fact that he doesn't want you to have your own income agian? If it were me i would set down some ground rules about what he can and cannot dictate to you and do it quick.

Again coulidn't possibly agree more.

This thread doesn't make me just sad for OP- it makes me MAD.
This is not what a marriage is- this is roommate w/benefits (lots- including babysitting stepchildren for free). In my not so humble opinion.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

That's pretty much how things run at my house. My DH brings home the paycheck and is actually the one that gets an 'allowance'. My first job is taking care of house and kids; my second job is managing all the finances. If DH wants to make a purchase above and beyond what his weekly allowance will cover, he asks me if there's money available for it.

And if anything needs to be purchased above and beyond regular monthly expenses, we discuss it to decide which budget bucket the money comes from.

He much prefers it this way. He can completely focus on his job...the activity that actually brings all the money into the house...and not worry about anything else.

Yep
I handle the finances, and pretty much everything ELSE IN THE WORLD (our world anyway) and he works, takes the trash out if I remember to set it in front of the garage door on trash day and mows the lawn (some repairs -not often. Oh and we scream for him to kill bugs LOL)
It works for us- he likes it that way- although I can't say I LOVE it all the time. Can be overwhelming at times but hey, that's the price I pay for being a SAHM and he works a lot of hours.... (when they let him LOL)
What time he's home from work he spends with the kids, he's den leader for Boy Scouts, we have to split/divide up to take the kids to all their activities, etc. He does NOT want to spend that time figuring out finances, paying bills, etc.

I agree with all the other posts, I too am confused. I never understood the his and hers...unless their is also an ours...that makes more sense. We just have an OURS. At one point I made more then DH..but it was still ours. For the past 8 years i've been a SAHM and I have always handled the money. I joke to DH if I die or disappear he is up poops creek cause he is clueless abuot the bills!! LMAO!!

Finances are a group discussion. If either one of us makes a big purchase it is always discussed.

You and your DH need to discuss money. If he earns enough to pay all the bills then he should for now. Explain to him the money issues you are having and tell him why you think its best for you to wait to return to work in September.

But also as other have suggested, can you start your own home daycare and take care of your DD and others??

Good luck!

LOL
I so joke the same way with DH but honestly it's the truth... sometimes I get a bug up my hiney thinking I need to tell him all this stuff, show him, etc. "just in case" but he really doesn't want to know- so disinterested. LOL

Just to speak up for those who _do_ keep separate accounts, there CAN be sense in this. My Dh and I bank separately - though, we DO consider all of the money, etc., OURS. It just is much, much easier for us to do it this way and have for over twenty-some years (in fact my mom and dad, whose 57th anniversary would be this year if he had not passed, did the same thing.) So it can work quite well, IF it is done fairly - key word here. Either he needs to pay you monthly or not expect you to cover any of those bills. (We do ours proportionately - he makes about 5% more money than me, so he pays 1/2 the bills plus 5% more than me.)

I like separate for us, because neither of us are control freaks - so if he wants to buy a $50.00 jacket, that I might not by if it were ME, it is still his right (all w/in reason, ofcourse.) For us, that level of trust (neither of us have ever abused the trust - that's why we have it...) is very important. We are grown-ups and for us, part of feeling like a grown-up is to control our own money. But, again, it works for us, and it's based on fairness. Just wanted to show that it can work for some - I do realize it is not for all, probably not for many, but it can work.

So, have that talk w/DH that everyone is suggesting - he can pay you or you will have to go back to work. (I think for the summer, as someone suggested, take in other kids, then return to work in the fall.)

I can see how that would work for some people- but I fail to see how that would work AT ALL for someone who is not bringing in an income? (ie: SAHM) I think it's pretty impossible to bring in zero income and still do this method you have described. yanno?

Actually if you think about it- the way you're doing it is he pays 50% of the bills plus 5% (ie: 55%) because he makes 5% more than you. If he made 100% more than you then it stands to reason he'd need to pay 100% of the bills. no? (especially if that was 100% more than your zero income as a SAHM LOL I'm not trying to say if you made 50,000 a year and he made 100,000 a year that he'd need to pay 100% of the bills)

 

[ajk912]

OP, it does sound like your DH is either very controlling OR quite a bit older than you. Or maybe both, it's hard to tell.

I get that he doesn't want you to babysit, because that's a disruption of the whole family if you start babysitting other people's kids. But the part where he "may" give you spending money? He is super stressed about work, so only wanted to talk about it for a few seconds? I don't understand the mentality, either, that this was your debt before you got married so it's your responsibility. Using that logic, he has his debt from before marriage (the stepkids) so you shouldn't be offering free babysitting for them over the summer. I would consider that a trade then, since he's being nitpicky. I watch your kids while watching our kid, you pay my student loan bill.

 

[momof3girls6712]

Even if you had your own bills when you got married he decided to take responisibility for half of them. I am not sure what state you are in but here in FL if you get divorced they spilt the bills in half. My brother recently went through it and is paying for things he didn't even know she bought.

I understand you not wanting him to have to pay your bill. But at some point I think in a marriage you will have to blend everything together.

I also get mad/sad when I read this thread. I can not imagine living a life where I have to worry about money for my DD and other kids when my DH has money. And the fact he has a stressful job really doen;t matter. You have a stresssful job as well. Caring for a baby is not a walk in the park. Sit him down and figure out what is best for your family.

 

[Green Tea]

One other thing I pick up is you keep saying STEPKIDS. Along the same lines that the family is a single financial unit which your DH doesn't seem to get, the family is a single unit as well, with all the kids. For the summer you have 3 kids to play with and entertain and I can't imagine why you are hoping your husband may give you some money to get by on. With the uber control issues your husband seems to have, I can sorta see why he has an ex, but please make the children feel like part of the family, not steps there visiting for the summer.

 

[dogluva]

Am I the only one on this board with a separate account from my husband? Sorry I haven't read all the posts.

I keep a separate account for the work I do as a consultant. I currently work .6 time as a special ed teacher. I also pick up consulting jobs and get paid by the hour. That goes into a separate account for kid related stuff. And believe me, I have six so this money really is needed. It pays for anything extra like birthday parties, ski trips, Easter, Christmas, dresses for prom, drivers ed, books for college classes, camping trips in the summer, and anything else that depletes our normal account.

We just started doing this-it has been 21 years of marriage and it is finally putting a stop to those money arguements. Anything that is left over from our regular account that pays for all the household bills is put into a separate saving account.


It is just amazing to see how much money goes out on those extra expenses.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

As a SAHM for the last 15 years, I am sad for OP that she feels the way she does. Having to pay off the bills that were yours on your own, and asking for money to take the kids places. It all makes me sad. We don't have tons of money, but all we have is ours despite all of it being "made" my my DH. I am going to go hug him now, I make it a point to thank him for all he does so I can be here with my kids (even though they are all in school all day now), but after hearing this I am going to be even more grateful.

 

[PinkRhombus]

I am going to go hug him now, I make it a point to thank him for all he does so I can be here with my kids (even though they are all in school all day now), but after hearing this I am going to be even more grateful.

Me, too.

I do want to mention something...my husband feels that there is no way that he could be free to do his job to the level that he has if I was not at home. He's been able to advance further and make more money than if I worked and he wasn't able to say yes to practically every opportunity that presents itself because he's never had to consider if I was going to be out of town or getting home late because of a business meeting.

Part of the reason that he makes as much money as he does is because of ME. The bonuses that he makes for spending the extra time working on projects is because I am home.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

NotUrsula pretty much nailed it. Apparently I don't make much sense when I am severely lacking sleep. DH thought I would run out of money in November and I have managed to make it last this long. Leaving the baby with DH for an evening job is not a possibility due to the fact that he gets home really late and she will not take a bottle or sleep through the night. I was given the opportunity today however to watch a 2 year old full time and while DH was initially onboard with this, tonight he told me that he is not ready for me to do that yet. I told him we have things coming up like Easter and birthdays and he still said money was not tight enough that I needed to start babysitting yet. He suggested maybe closer to the summer when DD is a bit bigger. Summer has been a problem area for several years now because of getting the stepkids. He is not willing to pay for daycare for them because he figures if he is going to just stick them with a babysitter, he may as well let their mother keep them. Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. Otherwise, we are finding lots of free activities nearby and spending plenty of time at the playground. My grand plan is to put extra back starting in September so that next summer I can take off all summer with the kids but we will see how that works.
The separate accounts/separate bills worked great until I went on maternity leave. DH makes significantly more than me though so anytime I needed a little extra, he helped out. The problem is that I have bills (like college loan) that are specifically mine from before he was in the picture and I feel it is my obligation to pay them. I really don't know who will be paying DDs daycare once I start back to work. I won't need to work full time so if I work a few extra hours I could take care of it myself. And I don't mind. My big issue is that right now I feel like I have a ton of money going out and not enough coming in. After talking with DH for a brief few seconds tonight, it appears that I am overreacting however. He has some major stress going on at work right now so it is not a good time to sit down and say 'I need money for X, Y, Z' but we will be having some variation of that conversation in the very near future.

I'm a little perplexed. You say that your DH had assumed that you would run out of money in November. What did he think you were going to do about your bills then?

And now, 4 months later, you mention that you're concerned about coming up short and he's stonewalling you about getting back to work?!!! Something is not making sense.

I know that you say his job is stressful right now, but a stressed-out mother is not good for the child, either. Ever hear the saying "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." ? It's very true. Your DD will pick up on this and it will affect her emotional growth. For your DD's sake, you need to have that conversation about finances with your DH before it reaches a crisis level.

Please have that conversation soon. I hoping for the best for you, OP.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

Am I the only one on this board with a separate account from my husband? Sorry I haven't read all the posts.

I keep a separate account for the work I do as a consultant. I currently work .6 time as a special ed teacher. I also pick up consulting jobs and get paid by the hour. That goes into a separate account for kid related stuff. And believe me, I have six so this money really is needed. It pays for anything extra like birthday parties, ski trips, Easter, Christmas, dresses for prom, drivers ed, books for college classes, camping trips in the summer, and anything else that depletes our normal account.

We just started doing this-it has been 21 years of marriage and it is finally putting a stop to those money arguements. Anything that is left over from our regular account that pays for all the household bills is put into a separate saving account.


It is just amazing to see how much money goes out on those extra expenses.

I'm sure there are many people that have seperate accounts and/or split bills and all that- but it just doesn't work if one person has the income and the other is a SAHM without any income. That just won't work at all... as we can clearly see by this thread even starting in the first place. LOL

I'm not totally clear on what you're saying but we do have a seperate account (we're both on all accounts though!) that "extra" goes in to- so I know how much "playing around" money we have. One I know how much money needs to go into it to pay all our bills/recurring pymts every month- the other all the extra goes into. That way I know how much we have when things come up (like the list you listed out) and when time to plan another vacation!

But we do NOT have one account for him, one account for me and split bills. It wouldn't make sense since he has the income and I do not.

 

[ZPT1022]

I have a question for those who are suggesting that the OP should charge her DH for childcare and housekeeping services.

How will doing this contribute to strengthening the marriage and growing it as an equal partnership? Granted, I do not consider the current situation that the OP is in to be ideal. But will "charging" each other for services rendered make the relationship better or just solve the OP's money problems?

I think it sounds like he doesn't realize the value of the services she provides to the family. Most importantly, they need to sit down for an actual talk, not just five seconds as they pass each other in the hallway. I mentioned before that DH and I have made "dates" to be able to go out somewhere and talk about things and plan things. It's so easy when you're at home to have too many interruptions that setting the time and going out forces you to actually do it

Me, too.

I do want to mention something...my husband feels that there is no way that he could be free to do his job to the level that he has if I was not at home. He's been able to advance further and make more money than if I worked and he wasn't able to say yes to practically every opportunity that presents itself because he's never had to consider if I was going to be out of town or getting home late because of a business meeting.

Part of the reason that he makes as much money as he does is because of ME. The bonuses that he makes for spending the extra time working on projects is because I am home.

that's the situation in our house as well. DH was able to take a job where he can't guarantee what time exactly he'll be home, the same job required 10 weeks of out of state training, and he was able to do that without hesitation, because he knew that I was going to be home. Being home can be a valuable contribution to the family too.

OP, just look at the fact that he assumes that you will be there to care for his kids when they come to stay for the summer. That's worth a lot- think about what full time daycare times two for an entire summer would be- you are making a very valuable contribution to the family and he MAY give you some money to keep three kids entertained all summer? Yikes

Ever hear the saying "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." ? It's very true.

DH's older and wise friend taught him when we were still dating-- "Happy wife, happy life"

 

[sandym718]

Yep
I handle the finances, and pretty much everything ELSE IN THE WORLD (our world anyway) and he works, takes the trash out if I remember to set it in front of the garage door on trash day and mows the lawn (some repairs -not often. Oh and we scream for him to kill bugs LOL)

OMG, I am CRACKING UP, because this is us EXACTLY!! (Well, it was us exactly, now I work part-time from home, but that hasn't changed much). DH brings home the paycheck, and I handle the money from there. He gets so much out of the ATM each week, has a debit card and a CC, but he doesn't really use them. Once in awhile, he'll buy something, he always puts it on the CC (we pay them off in full each month) b/c he's afraid he'll forget to tell me if he uses the debit so I can write it in the checkbook. I manage all the finances, do all the housework etc. He literally takes the garbage to the street (yep, I get to pull it all together too), he mows the lawn (I do the weeding etc) and he kills bugs, LOL. That's it! And the mowing is really only 7-8 months/year here. Sometimes I want him to do more housework, esp. since I AM working now (with the kids either in school or here, no child care), and he is getting a bit better. But, like you said, when he's not working - he's with his kids! I get a break, they get a VERY hands-on Daddy.

I just thought it was so funny that our DH's do the exact same thing!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Me, too.

I do want to mention something...my husband feels that there is no way that he could be free to do his job to the level that he has if I was not at home. He's been able to advance further and make more money than if I worked and he wasn't able to say yes to practically every opportunity that presents itself because he's never had to consider if I was going to be out of town or getting home late because of a business meeting.

Part of the reason that he makes as much money as he does is because of ME. The bonuses that he makes for spending the extra time working on projects is because I am home.

And I have to agree back. How many day did he not have to worry about staying home with a sick kid (twice last week for us!) or where the kids would go on a snow day.

Thankfully we have understanding and supportive hubbys!

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

OMG, I am CRACKING UP, because this is us EXACTLY!! (Well, it was us exactly, now I work part-time from home, but that hasn't changed much). DH brings home the paycheck, and I handle the money from there. He gets so much out of the ATM each week, has a debit card and a CC, but he doesn't really use them. Once in awhile, he'll buy something, he always puts it on the CC (we pay them off in full each month) b/c he's afraid he'll forget to tell me if he uses the debit so I can write it in the checkbook. I manage all the finances, do all the housework etc. He literally takes the garbage to the street (yep, I get to pull it all together too), he mows the lawn (I do the weeding etc) and he kills bugs, LOL. That's it! And the mowing is really only 7-8 months/year here. Sometimes I want him to do more housework, esp. since I AM working now (with the kids either in school or here, no child care), and he is getting a bit better. But, like you said, when he's not working - he's with his kids! I get a break, they get a VERY hands-on Daddy.

I just thought it was so funny that our DH's do the exact same thing!

LOL
Yep sounds the same as us! Exactly.
The ONLY difference is that he sometimes forgets to use the CC (that we use for points and pay off monthly) and uses the debit card AND THEN FORGETS TO TELL ME. I find out when I get the bank statement and nag him to stop doing that... and he's all like oops, my bad, will try not to forget again. LOL

When we both worked we shared in all duties together- kids (only 2 then though LOL), household, and he even cooked (he got his nickname many years ago Chef Jeff for a reason!) I used to work more hours (and made a higher income) than he did back then-but I've pretty much been a no-income SAHM for years now (only working semi-part time a few times when necessary or when I had the opportunity to have a work from home job/self employed or whatnot) and so I do everything else and he works then has time with the kids when he's home. It's exactly like what others have said- he never has to say no to overtime or working weekends because he never has to worry if I'm working also and what we'll do with the kids/etc. If I took a job we'd have so many other costs (childcare/etc.) PLUS it would be really hard to have any job working around his hours and he'd have to say no to overtime a lot. Plus I homeschool now so that would be doubly impossible at this point. LOL

I do work hard to budget and save where we can. He's working daddy and I'm saving mommy (or budget mommy or bargain mommy- whatever you want to call it) and it works great for us. He really prefers NOT to have to worry about finances. If I pop up and say we can afford whatever it is (vacation, larger purchase, whatever) he doesn't even worry about it because he knows if Penny-pinching Shelley says we can afford it- we CAN. LOL AND he knows whatever we do, buy, etc. is going to be absolutely the best price I can possibly find. He doesn't worry a second about that.

 

[DaisyD]

Wow. I am a SAHM and have been for 20 years. We have been married for 23 years. When we got married we both worked and had joint accounts. That was the first thing we did was get all our accounts together. Our paychecks went in, bill paid, and we saved some and spent some. We never felt the need to ask the other if we were allowed to buy something. I kind of think it is silly to even tell your partner you can't buy something.

When I became a SAHM nothing changed except I no longer had a paycheck to put in to our account. I still spend what I want, he does too, and still pay all the bills, save some and spend some. I can't imagine having seperate accounts for our own spending money. The money belongs to both of us no matter who brings it in. I can take money out and go on multiple trips without him, which I do a lot. He does the same. He can go out and buy whatever and I don't care. I can do the same. I never really could understand those seperate accounts when one is married.

 

[dogluva]

I am amazed at all the SAHM on this board. I really don't know anyone who is home with their kids full time anymore, and I don't think I have every known anyone who stays home and their kids are in school full time.

I live in MA-is it because everything is so expensive around here?

Oh, I really don't care either way, I think being at home is a big comitment and I do it in the summer myself. It is not easy in the least. I am just wondering how everyone does it.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I am amazed at all the SAHM on this board. I really don't know anyone who is home with their kids full time anymore, and I don't think I have every known anyone who stays home and their kids are in school full time.

I live in MA-is it because everything is so expensive around here?

Oh, I really don't care either way, I think being at home is a big comitment and I do it in the summer myself. It is not easy in the least. I am just wondering how everyone does it.

As a SAHM for 15 years, I'd be lying if I said we have all we desire in the world, we don't. But, we feel it is best for our family for me to be home. That means we don't have lots of things our friends do, but that's ok with us. My kids don't have name brand clothes, I have not had my hair cut or anything professionally in almost 5 years, we live in a 1200 SF house. We have taught our kids we will never have what the "Jones'" have so be happy with what we are blessed with. I never pay retail for anything, I consider my job the strech our $s as far as I can. I can't speak for everyone here, but that is how we are doing it.

 

[dogluva]

As a SAHM for 15 years, I'd be lying if I said we have all we desire in the world, we don't. But, we feel it is best for our family for me to be home. That means we don't have lots of things our friends do, but that's ok with us. My kids don't have name brand clothes, I have not had my hair cut or anything professionally in almost 5 years, we live in a 1200 SF house. We have taught our kids we will never have what the "Jones'" have so be happy with what we are blessed with. I never pay retail for anything, I consider my job the strech our $s as far as I can. I can't speak for everyone here, but that is how we are doing it.

Yes, but the thing is, everyone, or mostly everyone, where I live has to have two incomes just to get by. Not to buy brand names and get their hair cut either. I am talking to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Rent is so expensive around here. I just don't know how one paycheck can cover even basic expenses.

I also have to say, it offends me when people think mothers work just to be able to afford expensive haircuts and brand name clothes. Some of us work for the reasons stated above.

 

[disneymom3]

I am amazed at all the SAHM on this board. I really don't know anyone who is home with their kids full time anymore, and I don't think I have every known anyone who stays home and their kids are in school full time.

I live in MA-is it because everything is so expensive around here?

Oh, I really don't care either way, I think being at home is a big comitment and I do it in the summer myself. It is not easy in the least. I am just wondering how everyone does it.

I think that SOME of it comes down to what you think is necessary. For instance, my BIL makes 6 figures a year. My SIL "has to work" and does so full time. They have brand new cars, every game system known to man, stainless steel appliances, the biggest playset that would fit in their backyard etc. That is all fine. I don't care what you have, but dont' try to convince me that you "have" to work. I don't and my DH makes WAY less than hers. Still have a nice house and decent cars, our appliances are the same that were here when we bought the house, some friends and I do clothing swaps a few times a year, etc.

Now, don't get me wrong. I did daycare for many years and I know there are a lot of families out there wher both parents have to work and the cost of living compared to pay has gotten out of whack in the last 20 years or whatever, but I also know that many people just think they both have to work.

Oh, and I hardly know anyone in two income families though the percentage of working mothers in MN is one of the highest in the nation.

 

[disneymom3]

Yes, but the thing is, everyone, or mostly everyone, where I live has to have two incomes just to get by. Not to buy brand names and get their hair cut either. I am talking to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Rent is so expensive around here. I just don't know how one paycheck can cover even basic expenses.

I also have to say, it offends me when people think mothers work just to be able to afford expensive haircuts and brand name clothes. Some of us work for the reasons stated above.

I missed this post somehow. At any rate, I agree that in some areas and in many circumstances two people do have to work. Didn't want to seem like I was saying everyone is choosing to.