NBR-vent

[la79al]

This is sort of but sort of not board related. I need to release some of this somewhere. I am currently a SAHM of our 10 month old. While I was pregnant, my DH put our monthly savings amount into a special account so I could stay home. I had some Christmas money in a savings account to use for baby gear. For the past 10 months, I have been with DD full time. I left her twice, for 2 hours each time, once with DH and once with my mom. I have had no source of income but have a student loan, cell phone bill, car insurance bill and I am responsible for groceries (DH and I split our household bills, he got mortgage so I got off easy). Until about January, things were fine. But now I feel like things are going downhill fast. I don't have enough money left in the special account right now to pay all of my bills in April. The savings account for baby gear is gone. We have decided that I will get a large chunk of our tax money but that will only keep me home through July. Which wouldn't be a huge deal except we have the stepkids half the summer and childcare costs for 3 kids would be more than my paycheck. Easter is coming up fast and I am hoping to be able to some leftover giftcards to get something for DDs basket. Hopefully I can get DH to pick up stuff for the stepkids. DD and DSD both have birthdays coming up in May. I was hoping to have a little party since it will be DDs first but not sure where I would get money for that. I have DDs gift picked out, using a gift card to pay for it. Again, hopefully DH will be getting something for DSD (really, I'm hoping he will stick some money in a card for her, she wants DW money). I know if I go to DH about these things, he will point out that I have already spent a lot of money staying home and he most likely will not be able to give me anymore. I understand that I am a lot, lot luckier than most people since I have been able to stay home this long. It's not the going back to work part that I am upset about. I guess I am just frustrated because it really makes sense for me to wait until September to return to work but until then I have no money. I am selling stuff at a consignment sale the end of April and possibly having a yardsale in May so hopefully that will pay for some of the birthday party and some activities for the kids and I this summer. It just feels like the expenses keep adding up and adding up while the money coming in is going down. And the end to this all means taking care of someone else's child (I work with kids) while someone else gets to spend time with my baby. It just really sucks. Okay, vent over, thanks for listening.

 

[disykat]

I'm having a hard time understanding your post. At first it sounded like your dh was supportive of you staying home, but now it sounds like he wants you to work.

I'd suggest sitting down together and running the numbers, but it doesn't sound like you share finances? I think it's pretty impossible to stay home without shared finances because as a SAHM, you make nothing.

 

[StephMK]

I'm not clear - does the monthly savings amount still get put in your account? If he's not adding to it every month, then it just can't last indefinitely when you don't earn a paycheck. Do your combined finances allow you to stay home if he chose to help more w/ "your" set of bills? If you go back to work, will you split the cost of your DD's care & has he figured that into his set of bills?

I agree, it does not make sense to pay care for 3 this summer, you'd be working for care alone most likely. Have you thought about offering summer care to other school age kids?

 

[bluesaturn]

I'm not sure why your DH would expect you to pay half the household finances- you aren't making any money. If you can't pay all the bills with his income, you do need to go back to work. But if his income pays it all - isn't that the only option? It's also odd that you husband would expect you to pay for a birthday party or gift from your money (which won't exist because you have no income) - isn't your DD his child too?

 

[geishagirl81]

Yeah, why the heck are you responsible for household bills?? That is crazy if you are "working for your daughter". Now, I understand that everyone handles money differently, so I am not making any judgements. But whatever money my husband makes, is OUR money. Not his, not mine. We have one account which takes care of everyone's needs. If you are at home caring for your home and child, that is a job of real value. You and your hubby are equals and have equal responsibities. The division of money should be fair too.

But that is just my humble opinion...

 

[Tribe0701]

If that is the way he thinks then you should "charge" him for child care. He should be paying you half of what it would cost to put your DD in day care. You are saving the family a lot of money in child care and since that is the way you do bills, splitting them in half, then he should be paying you his half of day care since if you went back to work he would have to pay for half of daycare.

I think that if he supports you in staying home with DD then you should re-think how the bills are paid. If you have no income then how does he actually expect you to contribute to the expences?

 

[surfergirl602]

I guess I'm not understanding this. I don't know a thing about your marriage, but I am a recent stay at home mom now that we've moved to a different state... but the money that goes into OUR bank account has always been OUR money, no matter who earns it. The bills need to be paid, period. How the heck would I be paying for a bill all on my own if I don't have a paying job? I just don't get it. It sounds like he gives you an allowance or something... What am I missing? Sounds to me like you guys need to sit down and discuss if you're going to be a stay at home mom or are going to go back to work. I am not making any judgements, but to me, limiting you to what is in a "savings" account just seems controlling.

 

[bumbershoot]

If that is the way he thinks then you should "charge" him for child care. He should be paying you half of what it would cost to put your DD in day care.

Exactly!!!!! If this is how he sees things, then you should show him what the reality would look like.


From even before we were engaged, hubby said "your money is your money, my money is your money". And it's the same now. He's made sure the money was there for one solo trip to DLR only, one "girls trip" to San Diego with ridiculously expensive Madonna ticket (friend bought the ticket, ugh) and a day at DLR, and I just spent the weekend on a ladies only trip there for 2 nights! He KNOWS how hard I work while at home, especially b/c he's *done* that work while I'm gone! He has to take time off from work and then he gets to see what 24 hours a day is like, and when I get back he's so happy to get BACK to work b/c it's less, well, work.

YOu guys need to have a serious, long, talk about finances. He needs to know what babycare and stepchild care is going to cost, and how very very little, if anything, you guys are likely to see if you go to work and you put everyone in childcare. Not to mention the meals i"m sure you make, the cleanliness of the house that's going to change when you're not there all day (even though I personally am not a very good housekeeper I know that MOST SAHMs do lots of housework during the day), and so on and so forth.

Good luck with your talk with him!!!

 

[ajk912]

If that is the way he thinks then you should "charge" him for child care. He should be paying you half of what it would cost to put your DD in day care. You are saving the family a lot of money in child care and since that is the way you do bills, splitting them in half, then he should be paying you his half of day care since if you went back to work he would have to pay for half of daycare.

I think that if he supports you in staying home with DD then you should re-think how the bills are paid. If you have no income then how does he actually expect you to contribute to the expences?

I think the charging for daycare is a great idea! If you guys are splitting hairs, then he should pay his half of daycare.

Really though..I TOTALLY get why you are stressing about money. But really, it's an easy fix. When he asks you why there are no groceries in the house, just tell him that the savings account he set up has run out of money, so he needs to reload the savings account OR give you access to the family money.

I would be really annoyed too about the stepkids, as well. They are definitely part of the family and need to be treated as part of the family, but I would be very annoyed that "I" have to be the one to find a way to provide for them. Providing for the stepkids and birthdays should be something you guys pay for together, or something that he pays for himself.

 

[scrapquitler]

I am really confused by the OP first post. I don't understand why she and her DH are not acting as a 'team' here, and paying the bills together. I mean I understand that some couples keep finances separate, but shouldn't hubby be paying something towards groceries and household bills other than the mortgage? And why in the world does the OP have to pay for things like Easter Baskets, birthday presents and Daycare for the STEPCHILDREN? To me it would seem that in a division of bills, bills for the DH children that are not her children would fall on him, no her.

DH should be paying SOME of the baby's bills.

 

[EthansMom]

I am a SAHM. My husband's paycheck goes into our SHARED account and I pay all bills, do most of the shopping, and handle our joint investments with that money. What DH and I have is ours together.

I don't understand how your husband expects you to meet financial obligations with no income. Either your husband needs to start sharing the income with you or you need to get a job.

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

I am a SAHM. My husband's paycheck goes into our SHARED account and I pay all bills, do most of the shopping, and handle our joint investments with that money. What DH and I have is ours together.

I don't understand how your husband expects you to meet financial obligations with no income. Either your husband needs to start sharing the income with you or you need to get a job.

We are the exact same way...no seperate this or that...it is ours. Although I do get a divedend check from stock at my old job and he ALWAYS makes me spend it on myself...so that is my money...only a few hundred a few times a year...but fun to blow! Anyway...you have to work as one, not seperate...isn't that why you got married?

 

[Jeninindy]

While I was pregnant, my DH put our monthly savings amount into a special account so I could stay home. I had some Christmas money in a savings account to use for baby gear. For the past 10 months, I have been with DD full time. I left her twice, for 2 hours each time, once with DH and once with my mom. I have had no source of income but have a student loan, cell phone bill, car insurance bill and I am responsible for groceries (DH and I split our household bills, he got mortgage so I got off easy). Until about January, things were fine. But now I feel like things are going downhill fast. I don't have enough money left in the special account right now to pay all of my bills in April. The savings account for baby gear is gone. We have decided that I will get a large chunk of our tax money but that will only keep me home through July.

I don't understand this type of "accounting." You are staying home and raising your child, his child and don't have any income, but are solely responsible for specific bills and groceries for the family?? Has he continued to put money into that account?

And "WE" have decided you get some of the tax return so you can stay home......is he going to be solely responsible for his kids care and daycare in the summer?

In our home, our income is put into one account and we pay all our bills from that account, fund our savings from that account, fund our retirement from that account and so on. We discuss large spending, but it's shared money, no matter who earns more......

I know people do things differently, but your current state of finances does not sound very fair at all...

 

[HM]

I'm so sorry for you OP. It sounds like you guys planned on having you go back to work sooner and that you are not ready yet.

At this point you will have to have a pow-wow to figure out what will be best for the near and far term future of your family. Either he starts paying for everything (since you are nearly out of money) or you go back to work and he pays for daycare for his children when they get here and 1/2 of your mutual child's care.

You are a couple, a team, and you have to work together to make things work. Sounds to me like it's not quite working that way right now. Good luck!

 

[delmar411]

I agree with everything that has been said. Also I think there is something missing from this picture. You are either an old fashioned couple where the wife gets an allowance or a modern couple where you split the bills. You can't be both.

I'm also a SAHM. We have 1 checking acct that DH's check is deposited into. I pay the bills, buy the groceries, do anything and everything financial. DH is quite happy that way. I run his savings accts, the kids and my own. Running the financial portion of our home is my job.

 

[msmayor]

I agree with everything that has been said. Also I think there is something missing from this picture. You are either an old fashioned couple where the wife gets an allowance or a modern couple where you split the bills. You can't be both.

I'm also a SAHM. We have 1 checking acct that DH's check is deposited into. I pay the bills, buy the groceries, do anything and everything financial. DH is quite happy that way. I run his savings accts, the kids and my own. Running the financial portion of our home is my job.

That's pretty much how things run at my house. My DH brings home the paycheck and is actually the one that gets an 'allowance'. My first job is taking care of house and kids; my second job is managing all the finances. If DH wants to make a purchase above and beyond what his weekly allowance will cover, he asks me if there's money available for it.

And if anything needs to be purchased above and beyond regular monthly expenses, we discuss it to decide which budget bucket the money comes from.

He much prefers it this way. He can completely focus on his job...the activity that actually brings all the money into the house...and not worry about anything else.

 

[princessmom29]

I personally don't get the whole yours and mine thing. In a family eveyone should work together to get the bills paid, chores done, and support one another. At least that's how I see it and how we have always run things. There is no your money and my money in our household. Up until about 3 months ago I made more than DH. Now he makes moer than I do, but it still all goes into one shared account. I have always handled the bills, shopping ect. DH is fine with that as he would rather not deal with it. We always discuss it with one another if we intend to spend more than $20 on anything other than routine expenses (gas, groceries ect) I think you and DH need to sit down and have a talk about wether it is financially possible for you to continue to stay home or not. If so, he is going to have to start funding EVERYTHING the household needs. The division of money is going to have to stop in order to make it work because you have no income. I just don't see any other option. You will eventually run out of things to sell.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

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[Kellydelly]

I agree, charge this guy for watching his baby all day ! He sounds a little controlling and unfair. Unless you have blown your savings on shopping trips and lunches out with your little darling, how on earth does your spouse justify not covering whatever expenses your savings were paying? I think there's a reason this guy got divorced the first time, and now you are getting a taste of it . I hope you straighten him out before you become miserable! Money is one of the top things couples argue over, and you don't need to start off your marriage already at odds over who's responsible for what. If this guy isn't even interested in buying birthday gifts for his first children (which is a huge red flag), do you think he's going to take care of you and the new baby too without being "put out" by your expenses? I would get back to work, start stockpiling money and watch your back!

 

[nunzia]

I don't understand your whole situation, but what I don't get is why in a marriage the money is split. IMO, it should all be a WE thing. I have a friend (with a very shaky marriage..wonder if this is part of the problem) whose husband insists the money is split as well. SHE has to pay for all the food for them all and all expenses for their son, all medical for son and herself. AMAZING IMO.I don't know if you are ranting (which would be understandable) or looking for advice. If you want advice I'd suggest a sit down with DH about what marriage is financially and otherwise, and that would include living costs being from the combined money pot. Only a selfish boor (IMO) would let his children go without because YOU ran out of money trying to be home with your baby for as long as possible.
Other than that, I guess you could babysit or something until you're ready to go back to work, or get a night job where he can have the baby while you work since he insists you make $$
Best of luck..I'm sorry you're going through this, and I realize I may sound harsh..but sheesh.