My sister's wedding issues

[ZachnElli]

My cousin did this a few years ago. We didn't know until the invites arrived that children were not invited. This after having many conversations with my aunt about how many rooms would be needed (she had them blocked off well in advance). It turned out it was a slam against my cousin's brother and his kids! My brother went to the wedding and took his kids (yeah, he was that guy!) and he told me our aunt was fine with him bringing his 2 older girls, the little one stayed home. But that our cousin was sick of his brother and his kids getting all the attention. He said he didn't see the brothers (my cousin was the groom) interact at all! Maybe this is just another case of sibling rivalry?

And I have to say this, it's not HER day, it's not the BRIDE's day! It's THEIR day! The bride and GROOM! It's the first day of TWO people starting their lives together, not one!

 

[PelletierBears]

Every time this topic comes up, I continue to be mystified by the number of people who do not have at least ONE person they can count on to watch their child(ren) for 24 hours just as a favor. I certainly hope they could come up with one in an emergency!

A wedding is not an emergency! I would be VERY reluctant to ask anyone other than my mom or sister to watch my kids (when they were young) for 24hrs for anything other than an emergency. It's alot to ask and not something you do without offering compensation for. The OP should be more conciderate and sensitive to sister's financial situation.

I've been struck by the insensitity of OP's comments regarding her sister's kids. Notice I didn't say nieces and/or nephews... I don't get the sense that OP is close to them. I understand not wanting friends kids, third cousins, etc to attend but to exclude the only kids in the immediate family? My mother and mother in law would have had a fit if I had made such a decision. They certainly wouldn't have lied for me! As it was there were only 2 kids at that time and both were in the wedding and behaved wonderfully (truly, if anything happened I was too busy to notice!)

I agree with other posters comments about this causing a lingering resentment between OP and her sister.....OP TALK TO YOUR SISTER NOW!!!
She's hurt...whether you think she should be or not, she is.

 

[smschex]

Nor should it stop for someone's children, or because someone feels the need to have their precious snowflakes be ever-present in their lives.

Contrary, it seems, to popular opinion on this thread, not everyone thinks children are the be all and end all of everyone's existence who should be at every event whether it's appropriate or not.

OP...your wedding, your choice. If you can do the baby sitter thing and your sister will allow her children to stay with an unknown babysitter, then that would probably be a good compromise.

My guess is you "withheld" this information from DSis because you had a pretty good idea of what DSis's reaction would be in regard to her precious snowflakes, and it seems to me like you called it pretty well.

FWIW, every wedding I have ever been to where small children were present has been marred by the parents who don't watch their children, and thus allow the children to be running and sliding over the dance floor. I have seen children knock over the waitstaff, knock over the wedding cake, trip elderly relatives while Mom and Dad beam approvingly saying"Oh look aren't they cute?". And before you all start in with "well drunk adults can do the same thing"...the difference is that I can toss a drunk adult out of my reception...can't really toss a 3 year old, now can I?

There have been a lot of opinions expressed on this thread, but is it really necessary to start into the "precious snowflake" insults? That comes across as so completely condescending. Even though I understand exactly the type of parent you are attempting to describe, for some reason that phrase is like fingernails on a chalk board to me.

And Disney Doll, I am truly sorry you haven't run into many adults who have bothered to teach their children to behave properly in public.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

There have been a lot of opinions expressed on this thread, but is it really necessary to start into the "precious snowflake" insults? That comes across as so completely condescending. Even though I understand exactly the type of parent you are attempting to describe, for some reason that phrase is like fingernails on a chalk board to me.

I think it was some posters commenting that they would NEVER leave their children with a STRANGER!! So even if the couple wanted an adult reception, arranged kid food, babysitter, movies etc for children - did everything they could to provide a fun environment some people STILL would not attend since apparently the world revolves around their "special snowflake".

For the record I invited no one under the age of 18 - no one. For that reason I had no flower girl or ring bearer.

If the world does not revolve around the bride - why does it have to revolve around a kid?

PS - I think the OP acted very poorly.

 

[moon]

I've been following this thread with interest, and the OP has ignored several questions.

One in particular which has been asked several times....OP, when were you planning to let your sister know, and what were you hoping she'd do regarding chlildcare?

 

[PelletierBears]

I think it was some posters commenting that they would NEVER leave their children with a STRANGER!! So even if the couple wanted an adult reception, arranged kid food, babysitter, movies etc for children - did everything they could to provide a fun environment some people STILL would not attend since apparently the world revolves around their "special snowflake".

For the record I invited no one under the age of 18 - no one. For that reason I had no flower girl or ring bearer.

If the world does not revolve around the bride - why does it have to revolve around a kid?

PS - I think the OP acted very poorly.

I believe most people have expressed the opinion that since the kids are the neices / nephews of the bride, and thought they would be attending they should be included. Not that kids in general should be invited at all times, to all events, no exceptions.
If a guest decides not to attend because their kids were excluded that's their choice...but the OP was extremely insensitive to her SISTER and that is the issue.

And since when is leaving kids with a stranger in this day and age treating them like precious snowflakes! OMG (to quote my daughter!)

 

[Disney Doll]

There have been a lot of opinions expressed on this thread, but is it really necessary to start into the "precious snowflake" insults? That comes across as so completely condescending. Even though I understand exactly the type of parent you are attempting to describe, for some reason that phrase is like fingernails on a chalk board to me.

And Disney Doll, I am truly sorry you don't haven't run into many adults who have bothered to teach their children to behave properly in public.

Not half as sorry as I am!

 

[Scurvy]

I think it was some posters commenting that they would NEVER leave their children with a STRANGER!! So even if the couple wanted an adult reception, arranged kid food, babysitter, movies etc for children - did everything they could to provide a fun environment some people STILL would not attend since apparently the world revolves around their "special snowflake".

But really, there's nothing wrong with someone choosing not to attend a wedding because it's adults only. There's no reason to think that just because they decline the invitation then they must believe that the world revolves around their child. If they don't feel comfortable leaving their kids with a stranger, then they shouldn't do it, and that's no one's business but their own. An invitation is just that - an invitation. It isn't an obligation, and people are free to decline for any reason at all. The entire world doesn't revolve around someone's children, but their parents' world might. The world doesn't revolve around the bride and groom, either, and if their invitation to the wedding or reception doesn't include kids (or includes kids, but in a separate location than the parents) then they will have to accept the fact that some people will decline based on that fact alone, no matter how fun the environment sounds. Similarly, some people will decline based on the distance they will have to travel to the event, or the lack of alcohol at the reception, or any other factor. It really doesn't matter why they decline, so long as they do so politely. The hosts have every right to be disapointed by that, but they have no reason to be angry or upset with the guests who choose not to attend.

Now anyone who would throw a fit because their kids aren't invited to an event is acting like the world should revolve around their child, and that is rude and ridiculously entitled.

 

[Scurvy]

Yikes! Sorry, computer crashed as I was posting and somehow I had a duplicate post.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

My son is not "a precious snowflake." He's a moderately well behaved child who's mother isn't afraid to cloud up and rain all over his parade (and who frequently does!). With that said, he knows how to behave in public and if he didn't you'd better believe that we would leave immediately (with me grabbing him by the collar of his shirt if necessary)!

With that said, if he wasn't invited to his uncle or aunt's wedding (or for that matter any close relative -- aunt, uncle, or grandparent) and we were, I'd be royally ticked (and wouldn't attend)! If one of my DH's brothers or my brother pulled the kind of stunt on me that the OP has done to her sister, she'd get an more than an earful!

If, however, he wasn't invited to a distant relative's wedding, or a wedding of a good friend or a co-worker, I'd honor that in a heartbeat, say no big deal and enjoy a lovely wedding with my husband!

In my mind the only "precious snowflake" here is the bride! I hope she has the childless wedding of her dreams. What does it matter of the "little people" are stepped on as long as the queen has her day.

Sorry OP, I'm sure you're a nice person with conflict avoidance tendencies....but seriously, please rethink what you are doing. Only you can decide if it is YOUR day or the day for your family to celebrate your new life with you. I'd hate for you to have regrets on the day you begin your new life...or for that day to be tainted by bad feelings.

Trust me, there is NO such thing as a perfect wedding. I had a large wedding of 500+ guests, with an enormous wedding party, a ceremony in a lovely chapel with a dinner reception at a country club. What went wrong? Well, so many details were forgotten such as the special engraved glasses for the toast, the register for the guests, the toss bouquet (stayed in the fridge at the florists), the special unity candle and snuffer, etc. The funniest thing was that my dad forgot to bring my dress (he was going to bring it in another car since it would have gotten crushed with the bridesmaids dresses in the limo! I was actually 10 minutes late to my own wedding because I didn't have my dress on time.

Good luck OP!

Karen

 

[disykat]

I agree. I don't get how people are reading the entitlement mentality from someone who declines an invitation. The party that has the entitlement mentality is the one is commanding that they have no right to decline the invitation!

"But you MUST come to my trendy party!"

I don't get why people are still arguing when the majority of us are saying the same thing. Invite who you want. Then people can accept or decline - you can't demand they accept.

 

[Scurvy]

With that said, if he wasn't invited to his uncle or aunt's wedding (or for that matter any close relative -- aunt, uncle, or grandparent) and we were, I'd be royally ticked (and wouldn't attend)! If one of my DH's brothers or my brother pulled the kind of stunt on me that the OP has done to her sister, she'd get an more than an earful!
(snip)

In my mind the only "precious snowflake" here is the bride! I hope she has the childless wedding of her dreams. What does it matter of the "little people" are stepped on as long as the queen has her day.

By "pulled that kind of stunt", do you mean letting her sister think the kids were invited even though they weren't? Because I would be mad about that, too. As soon as she realized her sister thought that, the OP should have immediately told her they weren't.

I don't get why you think the bride is being a snowflake. Is it just because she doesn't want kids at her wedding? She and the groom can invite whoever they want - it's their wedding. They can choose to invite just their left handed cousins who were born on a Friday, if they want to, and there would be nothing wrong with that. The bride did nothing wrong by excluding the kids. She handled the communication all wrong, though.

I get being hurt if your kids aren't invited to the wedding of a close relative. I would have been hurt if my sister had not invited my son to hers. But I don't understand being mad. Why would you feel that someone is obligated to invite your child to their event?

 

[*Fantasia*]

Originally Posted by AmyinKY
You stated that the wedding was a year away. It only takes 9 months until birth. Are you going to insist all of the wedding party be on birth control? Are you?

Now wouldn't that just take the cake?

Too funny!

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I agree with the majority. I personally love seeing kids at weddingss, but if that's not for you no big deal. What is a big deal is asking your sister to be a bridesmaid for an out of town wedding, knowing that she cannot afford childcare (probably is having a hard time affording all the bridesmaid stuff but sucked it up because she's your sister), and then blatantly lying about the situation.

Sorry OP, damage is done and no backtracking on this thread will undo it. You said you were too busy as a grad student to say something but in your first post you stated you:
-purposely hid the fact
-instructed your mother not to tell them
-instructed your mother to lie.

You had time to do all of that and not tell your sister the stinking truth? That's just low. If I was your sister I would be beyond peeved. It is time for you to do some serious damage control here. You need to fix this and fix it now.

Yes, you can have wahtever wedding you want and people should be able to abide by it, except that in this case you lied through your teeth and now expect them to magically be okay with the situation. Your wedding is one day- is this worth killing your relationship with your sister over?

 

[bethy]

I don't care what you have planned, I am sure your guests aren't going to walk away saying "I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!!!" It will be a wedding like any other wedding... mostly boring.

It's a wedding, not a movie premiere. You will not be featured in In Style magazine. OK will not be vying for the rights for your pictures.

Contrary to what you seem to believe, people actually LIKE spending time with their own kids. Myself included. Do I think he belongs at all events EVER and I foist him everywhere I go? No, of course not. But I would fully expect him to be invited to a FAMILY wedding. As did your sister.

It is so hard for me not to roll my eyes at the whole "it's MY special day" sentiment that is so prevelant with weddings today. I just can't relate to that at all.

But anyway I just think about my 7 year old DD and how she would feel if her beloved auntie were getting married and didn't want her to be there. It just breaks my heart thinking about it. She would be devestated and not in an entitled way but in a rejected, sincere and heartbroken way. I can't imagine how that would feel to a child and the lasting impression it would leave. But everyone has the right to make their own choices and experience the natural consequences of those choices.

 

[mjkacmom]

But anyway I just think about my 7 year old DD and how she would feel if her beloved auntie were getting married and didn't want her to be there. It just breaks my heart thinking about it. She would be devestated and not in an entitled way but in a rejected, sincere and heartbroken way. I can't imagine how that would feel to a child and the lasting impression it would leave. But everyone has the right to make their own choices and experience the natural consequences of those choices.

Yes, she would probably need some counselling, and end up on Jerry Springer down the road. I can't imagine having to tell my precious children that mommy and daddy are going to an adult wedding, and that they're not invited. Oh, the tears! The agony!

Maybe it's the fact that I have a lot of kids, but this wouldn't be a blip on their radar, and if they complained, they'd be told to get over it. It's 4 hours! There will be no other children there! I've been to so many weddings without my kids, including my sister's! My children are not scarred for life!

 

[DisneyJules]

This is always a difficult positions to be in. My sister is getting married this next summer and has requested no children at the wedding. Luckily for her, she has no nieces and nephews. I would find it difficult not inviting my sister or brother's kids. As long as I knew they were well behaved, if they weren't that would be a whole other story. But if this is what you want, she'll have to respect your wishes. I too would want a classy affair without kids. My cousin was married last year and she had kids crawling all over the ground in the very nice reception hall, eek!

 

[Pigeon]

I don't get why you think the bride is being a snowflake.

The bride is being a snowflake because she thinks she gets to command her sister to attend the wedding without her children. She doesn't. She gets to issue the invitations to whomever she wants to attend. She doesn't get to force people to come, not even her sister.

 

[PaulaSue]

Bridde you have the right to choose who comes to your wedding but don't be mad if she can't make it because of the kids. I wouldn't bring my kids to the wedding and then take them home for the party too much trouble and 3 kids would be so upset.. So not worth the stress for the Mom.

 

[MushyMushy]

IMO, I much prefer weddings that are a family event. They aren't always perfect, but they are beautiful all on their own. For the op, you keep referring to the kids as your sister's kids -- um, aren't they also YOUR nieces and nephews? I don't know about you, but my niece and nephew are extremely important to me. I can't imagine leaving them out of one of the most important events in my life, and I know it's the same with my sister. If you're not that close to your family, then why are you so worked up about the arrangements your sister can or cannot make?

And honestly, 20 years from now, what's going to be more important? That one "trendy" day (sounds so childish, honestly) or your relationship with your family?

Lots of attitude towards the OP's decision to celebrate her wedding with adult guests in an adult manner.

It's "trendy." It sounds like she wants a bar scene, not a celebration of adults.

FTR, I really don't have a problem with a no-children wedding. What I have a problem with is a childish bride who gets all snippish because some people may not have options for their children and choose to stay home. Get over it. You'll probably get the all-important gift out of the deal with one less mouth to feed if your sister can't come.