My Mother-in-Law Horror Stories...Just in time for Halloween, too!

[minniecarousel]

Heather - at first, I laughed when I read your post. I have a DIL named Heather and they got married in May too! I love these MIL threads - they show me the way NOT to do things! I'm the mother of two boys and the years they were away at college started the process of "letting go" for me. I love my DIL and my DIL-to-be and besides, anyone who makes my boys happy is OK with me (it just helps that I like these girls!)

Come here to vent anytime - some of us will listen!

(oops - I better get the top layer of their wedding cake out of MY freezer?!)

 

[SC Minnie]

Sounds like your DH needs to cut the apron strings and set boundaries with his mother. She won't like it and it will be adjustment but in order for the 2 of you to have a healthy marriage the MIL has to keep those boundaries.

 

[druidia]

Here is my take...

I also am married to an 'only son' with overly involved inlaws!!! BTDT!!

Also, the above poster is right. There is a psychological thing going on here where your MIL seems to be living vicariously thru her son and DIL (you). This is NOT good or healthy. But, you really can't do anything about it.

1. You must create your own personal boundaries!!! Your husband must be onboard.... If your MIL wants to copy your hair or your home, etc.. Well, nothing you can do. Remember, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery!!!! Just 'LET IT GO'.

2. Make it almost impossible for her to cross any other lines. She is doing what you have enabled her to do... ( invite her wedding dress shopping... she will become overly involved...) (allow her to handle your wedding gifts, and the top of your wedding cake, she will become overly involved...) etc.. etc.. etc.. etc... etc... You must realize that YOU have been enabling these behaviors, and you must now realize that it is up to YOU to stop setting this stuff up.

3. Your HUSBAND is the one who must handle this, or you will find out really quickly that blood is thicker than water. Your MIL is doing these things to say overly involved in her son's life. She is a parent who simply is not letting go. If it ever appears that it is YOUR doing that there is any pulling away by her son, LOOK OUT. I am giving you a serious warning here. Take heed!!!

Your HUSBAND needs to be the one to handle these things. HE needs to stop by his mother's house and walk out with your wedding cake. You should not say one word, You should not be involved. He should not mention YOUR name.

Your HUSBAND needs to step up the plate here and establish some boundary lines with his mom. I am not talking any big 'discussion' here. But, as I have just described, he should be aware of the situation and actively join with you to NOT make it possible for her to intervene. You both have been enabling her. And, now he must take the lead in not letting these situations even happen.

I totally disagree with the poster who said that a wife should not insist that her husband be on her side and be as one with her and protect her feelings and her interests. If there are husbands who have left their wifes to stay united with their mother, then they were not much of a husband, and it was never a 'marriage' to begin with!!!

Amen.

1. Take away her key.
2. Go get your cake.
3. Do NOT let her into the delivery room..and to be fair, don't let your mom either.
4. Stop enabling her to meddle in your life. Ask your DH to handle her. It sounds like he's in the foxhole letting you do all of the work.

 

[Ride Junkie]

I'm suddenly reminded of that episode of "Sex and the City" where Charlotte's MIL was in the bathroom talking to her husband (Trey), while he was taking a bath. Yiiikes!!

 

[Tink's Pixieduster]

I'm suddenly reminded of that episode of "Sex and the City" where Charlotte's MIL was in the bathroom talking to her husband (Trey), while he was taking a bath. Yiiikes!!

Actually, I see the OP is from Louisiana, so her MIL reminded me of Kathy Bates character, Mama Boucher, in " The Waterboy". Talk about YIKES!!! But that was just a movie and Mama Boucher saw the light towards the end.

OP, I can't offer advice any different than what anyone else has already said, but I hope you are able to come to a more comfortable relationship with your MIL.

 

[diznygirl]

Thank you Oreo. I understand, and I do talk to DH about it. It is his mother, and I know he loves her. I love her too, she is a caring woman when she wants to be. And I agree, it will get worse, especially when we decide to have a baby. I can see it now. She'll force her way into the delivery room, and want to hold the baby before DH!

My MIL waited her turn to hold the baby, but she did escape the waiting room and poked her head into the delivery room! The baby had already been born and was being cleaned up - DH looked up and there she was! The nurses shooed her out. Luckily, I never saw her.

 

[kribit]

That is one scary mother-in-law. I know someone like that (has her hands in all of her kids business). It's not mine, thank God.

Sounds like your MIL needs to get a hobby, or less time on her hands. I bet she has good intentions, but is a little overbearing because your dh is her only child.

 

[HamTown]

I'm a little peeved at my MIL today but it's pretty trivial compared with the other situations on this thread.

About the papers, you need those ASAP to get that ring insured. If it is a diamond, you need an appraisal on file with your homeowners insurance to have coverage "in case it gets switched" . In all seriousness, you really should have it insured anyway, so this just gives DH a real reason to get the papers from Momma.

 

[TrueEeyore]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I honestly just need to vent to an outside party. I thought maybe it would be different from another perspective, but alot of you seem to agree that she needs to butt out of most things.

The way she does it, SHE is the victim. Like, she was only trying to help. So, silly me, I should have picked the cake back drop that SHE wanted, so I didn't hurt her feelings. I don't intentionally do things to spite her, I do things the way I want, and if she has a problem with it, too bad.

She's just so nit-picky! And lazy...She makes her husband tie her shoes, carry her purse, and wait on her. It's sad, really.

I forgot to mention earlier, she picked three kids to be in my wedding. Without consulting me or DH. She picked her two nieces and her nephew. And I never wanted that many kids in my wedding. But I was tired of dealing with her, so in the end I just didn't care anymore. I basically just wanted to get the wedding over with (that's sad...it's supposed to be an exciting event...it wasn't)

She loves to rain on my parade. She always has something negative to say. If I mention somewhere I'd like to work. "Oh, that would be too busy of a job. You should work at Kirkland's, so you can get a discout." That's her favorite store, obviously.

I'm surprised I have any hair left. I did find a gray one the other day I'm too young for that

 

[froglady]

OP, you haven't mentioned YOUR mother in all of this. Is she living? I only ask, because maybe your MIL is doing these things because she thinks that's what your mother would do.

And quite frankly, I know MY mother would have had a talk with her, mother -to-mother; this would have stopped long before the wedding.

FWIW, I brought my mother to look at my gown AFTER I had picked it out.

You could have your own diamond appraisal done on your ring; it's just not as accurate if the stone is in the setting. I'm not sure I understand the "papers" part?

I know that my wedding gifts (but not the checks/cash) were on display at my mother's house prior to the wedding, so people could see them. It used to be quite common, so perhaps that's why she thought she had a "right" to look at them.

 

[mylilnikita]

I think you need to break her off a piece of" Get your own life, know your boundaries pie"

 

[tonilea]

I love my MIL, really I do. But there was a time (we had been married about a year) that I told DH I was moving out. He was welcome to move with me, but I couldn't live like that anymore. He talked to his mother and things did change.

Now, after almost 19 years of living next door, I wonder has she gotten that much better or have I mellowed that much? I suspect both.

I highly recommend setting some boundries. We had to put a limit on how many times she could call in a day. She could not come to the house without calling first.

My MIL wanted to be my best friend. I couldn't get home from work, unlock the door and get to the bathroom before the phone was ringing.

Here are the two events that proceeded the 'moving' announcement.

Our master bedroom opens into the master bath with a large garden tub. I loved that bathtub and I spent alot of time reading in there. One day my MIL walks in the back door, through the bedroom and straight to the tub where I am reading/soaking in a bubble bath and sits on the edge of the tub. I lunge for my towel and robe! She remarks "You don't have anything I haven't seen before!" I was so shocked I just said, "Well you haven't seen mine!"

The second occasion was when we bought a new Mazda pickup. We had some people at our house to buy a Bassett Hound puppy. She walked up to our house, through the field, in the dark to make a scene about how we couldn't afford that truck! That was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

She still irritates me on a regular basis, but I just try to remember that I have the best husband in the world and I owe her.

 

[disykat]

I've been through the inlaw stuff my self so everyone here has my sympathy!

I have one little suggestion about the cake. My bakery made small anniversary cakes for 1 year out as part of their cake package - so you didn't have to save the other. We had one made for several years additionally until the bakery went out of business. A beautiful fresh cake (small like the top layer) made in our flavor and decorated like we had it was a very nice anniversary remembrance for us.

You could have fresh cake, and you could have the snarky little thrill of saying "oh, that's nice, but we already have fresh anniversary cake planned, you can go ahead and have the other (maybe ruined anyway) one!"

As others have said, you'll probably have to pick some battles and make some boundries. It sounds like your dh is with you on this - that's a good thing! Our troubles were the worst for the first five years or so of having kids. At 16 years, it's not so bad now. DH has grown up, his parents have let go - and dh's sister moved next door to them so they have their hands full!

 

[manning]

Here is how the wedding should have been handled (oh no I'm sounding like MIL )

Any way you arrange for and pay for a small cheap wedding. Then you sit back and let her take over. Let her make it big and pay for it.

Then you go off and get married the day before and leave on your honeymoon.

She will have all the fun explaining the no show.

Of course she would never talk to you again, but then that is what you want to happen.

 

[TrueEeyore]

Yes my mother is still alive. And she's a very good mother to me. MIL just wants to step in and take over, for whatever reason.

We're going out to eat with his parents and my parents tomorrow night. Wish me luck that I don't end up choking myself with a napkin!

 

[Nicolepa]

Thank you Oreo. I understand, and I do talk to DH about it. It is his mother, and I know he loves her. I love her too, she is a caring woman when she wants to be. And I agree, it will get worse, especially when we decide to have a baby. I can see it now. She'll force her way into the delivery room, and want to hold the baby before DH!

She can only force her way into the delivery room if she knows you are in labor!

Our first dh was so excited he called everyone. My mom left work and came and sat with us. My mom and I are not close and I can't be around her for long periods of time. I was not happy. She did leave during the delivery though. For our second no one locally was called until AFTER the baby was born. Worked out much better. No one missed not being called, I didn't have to entertain anyone.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

We thought it would get better when his mother died since she seemed to be a major instigator. Unfortunately, FIL married a new wife who at 75 years old is obsessed with sex like no one I have ever met. She is also a homophobic bigot because she is a repressed lesbian. Yup, she has hit on me multiple times then says, "Oh, I didn't mean that!" while licking her lips while staring at my chest. Oh and then there is the time she told my 10 year old the graphic details of the first time she and my FIL had sex. My dd refuses to be in the same room alone with her.

I can't even imagine my grandmother, who is younger than 75, saying any of this! That is unbelievable!

 

[SandraVB79]

OP, I'm sorry for you.
However (there is comes), be glad that your MIL is involved so much because of "positive" things: she likes your house, she likes your hair, your nails, ...

My mother's MIL (my grandmother) was very involved, wanted to do/ decide everything. But in a very negative way, nothing about my mom was good, so she had to make sure that things were done right.
At some point, my mother made my dad choose between her and (newborn) me or his mother. This was after my mother had a very difficult pregnancy and almost a miscarriage because of all the stress her MIL put on her. Many of my health issues can be traced back to the stress I had when I wasn't even born.
My dad chose for us. Very little contact between him and his mother from that point, every time he saw her, she was picking on him, us, everyone and everything about our family. She died this year January 1. She has seen me a couple of times as a baby andtwice last year. Has seen my youngest brother once, last year.
This all put a very dark cloud over my parents' marriage; she made things very difficult for them.

At least, in your case,it's because she likes you and most of your choices.
I know that doesn't help your situtation too much, but it could have been worse.
Have your mom talk with her. Or your DH. Or some mutual friend.

 

[JR6ooo4]

it could be worse, what if she hated everything about you?

Then you would be happy to be in the current position you are.

Mikeeee

 

[FayeW]

While some of your complaints are valid, most are pretty nit-picky. I think you are being overly dramatic and a bit whiney. This is your husband's mother. She will be in your life for a long time. If this is the worst you can come up with, you are doing pretty good. Pick your battles.