My Mother-in-Law Horror Stories...Just in time for Halloween, too!

[Wishing on a star]

Most of the stuff is not toobad. Read the DIS and see posts about hateful MILs-might make you think twice about complaining.
If you don't want your MIL to butt in about say your ring cleaning or anything else,, DON'T tell her when you're doing stuff.
My dad was an only child and my mom was a _itch to my grandmother. She made it a tug-of-war. Be careful.
If you don't want her in the delivery room,specify that, and she won't be because the nurses won't let her in the room.

I totally agree!!!

This is what I was talking about when I said that it is the OP's and her husbands fault here, because they are enabling the whole thing.

I would NOT let them know when I was delivering. Not until it was too late for them to make it to the hospital and 'intervene'.

And, just like my advice regarding the wedding cake. Her HUSBAND should stop by his mother's house and walk out with the papers to 'HIS' diamond that was given to him by his grandmother. The OP should not be there, should not be involved, and her husband should never mention her name.

 

[TrueEeyore]

in re ILs - the reason why we are still married is that we moved half a continent away from them.

No, I'm not kidding. Even though my dh was the most supportive dh ever and on many occasions ceased all contact with them due to how they treated me (and OP, I'm sorry but my IL stories make yours look like a trip to WDW), they still managed to find ways to make our lives miserable. (Like showing up at dh's workplace to yell at him in front of his coworkers and boss to the point where security had to be called, etc. or showing up at our house and pounding on the door and yelling at our neighbors.) If we'd had to stay within driving distance of them, I would have eventually left because I deserve better than the constant harassment and verbal abuse.

We thought it would get better when his mother died since she seemed to be a major instigator. Unfortunately, FIL married a new wife who at 75 years old is obsessed with sex like no one I have ever met. She is also a homophobic bigot because she is a repressed lesbian. Yup, she has hit on me multiple times then says, "Oh, I didn't mean that!" while licking her lips while staring at my chest. Oh and then there is the time she told my 10 year old the graphic details of the first time she and my FIL had sex. My dd refuses to be in the same room alone with her.

So, OP -- I tell you this because I can sympathize and because I wanted you to know that it really can be worse. At least your MIL errs because she loves and cares for you and her son, not because she hates you or because she's wombat whoopsidoodle crazy.

Wow! Just...wow

 

[DMickey28]

HUGS ... I don't really have much for advice.

My MIL drives me nuts often but she is a wonderful lady. It's more my intolerance for other people sometimes than anything she does!!!

The only gripe I really have is that she never THANKS us for anything. We support her a lot financially. This is becoming more and more of a struggle because I am now a SAHM and we just don't have as much extra income as we used to. We get her tickets to come down to visit us and now DS. We take her out to dinner etc. There is very very rarely a Thank you. That drives me nuts more than anything. I don't expect her to Thank us for the monthly bills that we do cover for her all the time, but when we discuss plane tickets there isn't a Thank you ... ARGHH ... I have to stop or I am going to get myself all worked up!!

Good Luck ... I let most of it roll of my back. DH brings up issues with his Mom and I converse with him about them. I very rarely voice my opinion because I realize it's not worth it. He knows how I feel though because he knows me!

 

[TrueEeyore]

Here is my take...

I also am married to an 'only son' with overly involved inlaws!!! BTDT!!

Also, the above poster is right. There is a psychological thing going on here where your MIL seems to be living vicariously thru her son and DIL (you). This is NOT good or healthy. But, you really can't do anything about it.

1. You must create your own personal boundaries!!! Your husband must be onboard.... If your MIL wants to copy your hair or your home, etc.. Well, nothing you can do. Remember, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery!!!! Just 'LET IT GO'.

2. Make it almost impossible for her to cross any other lines. She is doing what you have enabled her to do... ( invite her wedding dress shopping... she will become overly involved...) (allow her to handle your wedding gifts, and the top of your wedding cake, she will become overly involved...) etc.. etc.. etc.. etc... etc... You must realize that YOU have been enabling these behaviors, and you must now realize that it is up to YOU to stop setting this stuff up.

3. Your HUSBAND is the one who must handle this, or you will find out really quickly that blood is thicker than water. Your MIL is doing these things to say overly involved in her son's life. She is a parent who simply is not letting go. If it ever appears that it is YOUR doing that there is any pulling away by her son, LOOK OUT. I am giving you a serious warning here. Take heed!!!

Your HUSBAND needs to be the one to handle these things. HE needs to stop by his mother's house and walk out with your wedding cake. You should not say one word, You should not be involved. He should not mention YOUR name.

Your HUSBAND needs to step up the plate here and establish some boundary lines with his mom. I am not talking any big 'discussion' here. But, as I have just described, he should be aware of the situation and actively join with you to NOT make it possible for her to intervene. You both have been enabling her. And, now he must take the lead in not letting these situations even happen.

I totally disagree with the poster who said that a wife should not insist that her husband be on her side and be as one with her and protect her feelings and her interests. If there are husbands who have left their wifes to stay united with their mother, then they were not much of a husband, and it was never a 'marriage' to begin with!!!

Amen to all of that. I will be having a talk with DH very soon.

 

[TrueEeyore]

You're right...very un-classy....EVERYONE knows you don't end a sentance with a preposition. She should have said "This is the room IN WHICH my grandbabies will be made!"

So sorry you have to deal with that. I was blessed with a meek MIL and don't really have to deal with these issues... my heart goes out to you. I don't think I'd be able to control my tongue if I had your MIL!!

I definitely should have corrected her!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have to tell her when I get my ring cleaned, because she has the papers on it. That's the reason she wants to keep the papers. I have to have them to get it checked, to make sure it's not loose or anything.

NOPE, OP, you do not HAVE to.

1. Your husband should walk out of your mothers house with those papers to HIS diamond.

2. Next time you go in to have the ring inspected, snatch up the papers when the jeweler is handing them back, simply put them in your purse.

3. Go back to the jeweler, ask them if it would be possible to get new papers... (like maybe you misplaced them or something)

There are always options.

The best option here is number one above. Because, the other two involve YOU directly. Your husband should stand up and take the heat. It is his mother.

 

[agnes!]

A couple of thoughts...

She does sound a little near the edge, a little "too much". I am sure her behavior gets very wearing.
That being said, maybe sometimes try to be glad that she's at least interested, that she cares. Some parents ignore their children at all stages of their lives. This woman doesn't sound evil or malicious to me (like some relatives can be), she sounds truly clueless. Having her only child getting married is a HUGE change for everyone...you, your DH, the ILs, your parents.
Since you & your DH have been together for several years, is any of her behavior a surprise? Hasn't she always been kind of like this? And the remarks about the bedroom and the sofa...maybe she really is a social boor, but maybe she just feels like the useful part of her life (being a mother) is *over*.

All that being said, while you can continue to be kind and loving in your dealings with your husband's mother, IMO you & your DH still should have some firm boundaries with her.
The two of you (your DH & you as a team) should keep your distance financially. Do NOT give her any info about how you spend your money or other personal/"private" information. NEVER take a loan from the ILS.
Your DH is in charge of getting the 'papers' on the diamond/ring.
Do you have space in your freezer at your house? If so, the next time you're over at your ILs, can you casually say...
oh, let me take the wedding cake off your hands. No, no I'm glad to do it, we have so much space in our freezer and I don't want to overlook it as our 1st-year anniversary gets closer. Thanks for keeping such good care of it, oh no it's no trouble.

You say that she doesn't have access to your house. Are you *sure*? I actually would get ALL the locks changed. Not that I think she's come into your house when you're not there, but to forestall that ever possibly happening in the future.

And when you get to be someone's MIL, you can resolve to do a better job of it.

agnes!

 

[OceanAnnie]

to you! Bad is bad. It doesn't matter what degree it is when you're in it. And it's hard to let it go of the happenings when you get a constant dose. I'm sorry for the barrage of madness.

You sound like you're handling yourself pretty well. You've let her know what you will and won't do (while she's making decisions for you). It does make you weary doesn't it?

Be good to yourself. I don't know how you stay sane with someone trying to control your life and copy you. You must be a very nice person to take it in stride as you have.

 

[TrueEeyore]

UPDATE

I just remembered something else. Not too long ago, she said something that really got to me

She said that my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) wasn't 'that pretty' and 'he could do much better'. Why on earth would she feel the need to tell that to me? About my brother's wife, the mother of my nephew?
Obviously she thinks she's a prize to be won. You don't know other people's situations, you can't judge someone based on the way they look.

I told her that my sister-in-law was very pretty and she was really sweet.



Also, DH and I got invited to his cousin's wedding. I told DH that we were not going, because his cousin didn't come to our wedding, didn't even send a card of congratulations. All because the cousin didn't want to be around his own dad (long story)
So, why would we go and celebrate him getting married? I don't want to waste my time for someone who didn't have the time to celebrate with us. Case closed.
MIL's opinion? "Oh, y'all are going. Y'all are going." Like that was it. Point blank. Umm, sorry, but no. We're NOT going. Thanks.

To the posters who say I enable her, you're probably right. I just wanted to include her in the wedding plans, to make her feel important, too. I know better now. She actually CRIED to my DH when I didn't pick the cake backdrop that she had picked out. She honestly cried, because she said that I just didn't pick it because she wanted it. I'm sorry, I just found one I liked ALOT better.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent post Oceanannie!!!

And, there was one thing that I didn't mention in my posts above.

We too went thru the experience of building our home with my inlaws being overly involved...

In our case, they were helping substantially with the finances. And, of course, money comes with strings.

But, other than that, it was just another case where we enabled them to be as involved as they were.

 

[TrueEeyore]

NOPE, OP, you do not HAVE to.

1. Your husband should walk out of your mothers house with those papers to HIS diamond.

2. Next time you go in to have the ring inspected, snatch up the papers when the jeweler is handing them back, simply put them in your purse.

3. Go back to the jeweler, ask them if it would be possible to get new papers... (like maybe you misplaced them or something)

There are always options.

The best option here is number one above. Because, the other two involve YOU directly. Your husband should stand up and take the heat. It is his mother.

I actually had forgotten about the papers until this weekend when she said we should go get it cleaned. I said, "Well you can give me the papers, I can take it next week, I'm not busy." She just sat there, the papers were in her purse beside her. My FIL said, "Give her the papers, she can take it another time." Again, she just sat there. I really didn't want to make it an issue, but my DH definitely will be getting the papers by this weekend.

 

[Wishing on a star]

UPDATE
MIL's opinion? "Oh, y'all are going. Y'all are going." Like that was it. Point blank. Umm, sorry, but no. We're NOT going. Thanks.

Perfect attitude and response!!!!

Don't let her control issues get to you!

If she wants to wheedle and cry about it, just make sure your DH is the one who says, very simply and bluntly "No, We're not going... Thanks!"

 

[TrueEeyore]

A couple of thoughts...

She does sound a little near the edge, a little "too much". I am sure her behavior gets very wearing.
That being said, maybe sometimes try to be glad that she's at least interested, that she cares. Some parents ignore their children at all stages of their lives. This woman doesn't sound evil or malicious to me (like some relatives can be), she sounds truly clueless. Having her only child getting married is a HUGE change for everyone...you, your DH, the ILs, your parents.
Since you & your DH have been together for several years, is any of her behavior a surprise? Hasn't she always been kind of like this? And the remarks about the bedroom and the sofa...maybe she really is a social boor, but maybe she just feels like the useful part of her life (being a mother) is *over*.

All that being said, while you can continue to be kind and loving in your dealings with your husband's mother, IMO you & your DH still should have some firm boundaries with her.
The two of you (your DH & you as a team) should keep your distance financially. Do NOT give her any info about how you spend your money or other personal/"private" information. NEVER take a loan from the ILS.
Your DH is in charge of getting the 'papers' on the diamond/ring.
Do you have space in your freezer at your house? If so, the next time you're over at your ILs, can you casually say...
oh, let me take the wedding cake off your hands. No, no I'm glad to do it, we have so much space in our freezer and I don't want to overlook it as our 1st-year anniversary gets closer. Thanks for keeping such good care of it, oh no it's no trouble.

You say that she doesn't have access to your house. Are you *sure*? I actually would get ALL the locks changed. Not that I think she's come into your house when you're not there, but to forestall that ever possibly happening in the future.

And when you get to be someone's MIL, you can resolve to do a better job of it.

agnes!

Very good points. And the freezer the cake was in at her house actually went out for hours, so I don't even know if the cake is even edible anymore
She took it the night of the wedding, I had so much on my mind, I really didn't think too much to take it myself. But I will be getting it soon, if it's even any good anymore.

 

[TrueEeyore]

to you! Bad is bad. It doesn't matter what degree it is when you're in it. And it's hard to let it go of the happenings when you get a constant dose. I'm sorry for the barrage of madness.

You sound like you're handling yourself pretty well. You've let her know what you will and won't do (while she's making decisions for you). It does make you weary doesn't it?

Be good to yourself. I don't know how you stay sane with someone trying to control your life and copy you. You must be a very nice person to take it in stride as you have.

Thank you

 

[mickeyboat]

I totally disagree with the poster who said that a wife should not insist that her husband be on her side and be as one with her and protect her feelings and her interests. If there are husbands who have left their wifes to stay united with their mother, then they were not much of a husband, and it was never a 'marriage' to begin with!!!

I agree to a certain point. If a MIL is demeaning, insulting and rude to her DIL, it's worth insisting that your DH take your side. But you really need to pick your battles, or you will put your DH in a middle of a power struggle. And if the only purpose of the power struggle is to prove who has the most control over the DH (which is what I have seen in the couples I mentioned before), it may not end up well.

(I had a friend who used to brag all the time about how her DH didn't talk to his mother because she was so mean to her. When I asked her what her MIL had done or said, she really couldn't tell me anything I thought bad enough to justify ending contact. It was a matter of control, plain and simple. They were married for 12 years, have three beautiful children, a beautiful home, camper and future. They are now divorced and living in apartments).

Denae

 

[TrueEeyore]

I agree to a certain point. If a MIL is demeaning, insulting and rude to her DIL, it's worth insisting that your DH take your side. But you really need to pick your battles, or you will put your DH in a middle of a power struggle. And if the only purpose of the power struggle is to prove who has the most control over the DH (which is what I have seen in the couples I mentioned before), it may not end up well.

(I had a friend who used to brag all the time about how her DH didn't talk to his mother because she was so mean to her. When I asked her what her MIL had done or said, she really couldn't tell me anything I thought bad enough to justify ending contact. It was a matter of control, plain and simple. They were married for 12 years, have three beautiful children, a beautiful home, camper and future. They are now divorced and living in apartments).

Denae

I don't WANT DH to have to choose between us. He's going to love his mother, but if it all came down to the wire, he would choose me, and wouldn't speak to his mother anymore. I don't want it to have to be that way. He knows I have some issues with the way she does things, but it would take her seriously bashing me for us to cut ties with her, and she knows that. She knows better than to go there.
I know she talks about me to DH's family though. If she talks about my SIL to me, she's obviously talking about me to other people.
But oh well, her son chose to love me and I chose to love him, and we're doing a fine job of it regardless of what she says/does.

 

[diznygirl]

I agree that you should pick your battles. Sometimes MILs want to "help" a little too much. Because they "care" ever so much. Like when my MIL was letting us have their leftovers because she wasn't used to cooking for only two. Fine. Wonderful. Until she was caught standing outside our gated apartment complex knowing full well I was home - waiting for her son to come home so she could give HIM the food. Then it wasn't about helping us, it was about not being able to let go of him.

DH set her straight that time - luckily it was only the first month of our marriage, and we didn't have years of damage to undo. There have been trials and tribulations along the way, but ever since that moment DH has known how his mom thinks - it helps that he is aware, and I think he pushes back too much sometimes, just to protect us.

OP- you have a great attitude! Feel free to vent away - it does help deal with the craziness!

 

[bcvprincesses]

Just wait until they come over and program your garage door opener into their car so they can walk in at any moment. My MIL will come at any time day or night and just open the garage and walk in. No knock or anything.

 

[eh24fan]

That's a good idea. For our first baby, it's going to be just me and DH in the room. I don't think it's very fair to let my mom in, but not his. So it will just be us two.

Off topic, but wow! You got a tag and you have less than 200 posts! I never saw that before, congrats!

Well, he knew that I'd be a happier camper with my mom there and he would too. She's very supportive and good at calming BOTH of us. And trust me, once they said a c-section was needed, there was a definite need to calm both of us. I was crying and couldn't stop, he was worried b/c he knew I was scared...sheesh. Thank goodness for my mom! His mom is very much the "all about me" kind of person.

And the tag was from a thread on the budget board talking about stuff from childhood. The tag fairy apparently loved that one b/c LOTS of us got tags. I was shocked and love my little tag.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I didn't read past the OP's post so forgive me if someine said this already but- what is the deal with your dh?!!!! Seems to me the problem isn't your mil. It is your dh. He allows this behavior to continue when he should have nipped it in the bid the first time. JMHO.