My In-Laws Said Horrible Things About Me

[mcr5298]

My mom feels they are jealous of all kinds of things, from our nice home (theirs is small and cramped) to our vacations and the fact that we have friends and go out and all that stuff.

My MIL is the exact same way! We just had a new house built, and instead of being happy for us, and proud of her son, she is insanely jealous. Well, she had control of her own life. She made her choices in love and fortune. Since she doesn't have everything, then I guess she feels that nobody else should be allowed to have anything either. What a very sad outlook on life.

 

[Disney Cakers]

I also agree about NOT writing the letter. She can display this for everyone to see if there is one thing negative in it, she will be sure to show it to others. That is exactly what I do with the letter my mother in law wrote to me right after 9/11. She was PO'd that her 5 daughter in laws here in NYC did not remember her 50th wedding anniversary and that if our mothers were still alive (4 out of the 5 daughter in laws lost our Moms)we would have been SURE to have her sons pay for a party! Needless to say it broke my heart that she even talked about my Mom, but proved that she was a selfish *****. Especially after 9/11 and what we went through here in NY (thank goodness my in laws live in Florda) What really amazed me about this letter was the fact that she didn't send it to her sons, only daughter in laws, and that she has 3 sons who are NYC firemen! how selfish can you be, to think about an anniversary party, when so many people lost their lives! Any respect I had for her was gone after that letter. But I do keep it on my inlaws wedding picture frame, in the corner, just as a reminder of what she is really like, and also as a reminder to my dh never to bother me about why I'm not close to his mother. Its been 5 years and I have had hardly any contact with her, and its better that way.

Wow - that was amazingly rude. I cried so much during that hard time. And to think that someone could be so insensitive and uncaring... I'm sorry you had to go through that some people can be so selfish. But at least there are people like us who are better than that.

 

[Disney Cakers]

My MIL is the exact same way! We just had a new house built, and instead of being happy for us, and proud of her son, she is insanely jealous. Well, she had control of her own life. She made her choices in love and fortune. Since she doesn't have everything, then I guess she feels that nobody else should be allowed to have anything either. What a very sad outlook on life.

Jealousy is a really bad emotion. I agree - I'm always happy when people get the things they've worked hard for... because they deserve it. To be jealous of someone is just so petty and a real waste.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Momma gave you great advice. I will add that I have used the "hmm, interesting thought" comment more than once. My umms, hmms, and uhhuhs, get great workouts too!

And, these are the only parents DH will have, even if they are icky, so actually I would be sympathetic to him (because he has lost out in the parent department) instead of angry at them (because they are mean to you). I have found that when I pity someone (like my difficult SIL) my anger dissipates.

Pick your battles wisely.

Don't invest YOUR energy into anymore thinking, analyzing, obsessing and etc about these folks. Be there for DH, but no more bringing it up and etc. I think you may be surprised at how much more peace there will be for you and DH if you just don't talk about them (unless absolutely necessary, like "your mom called and would like you to call her back" then, don't ask him about the conversation and etc. let him tell you what you need to know. This works for me).

Peace.

JMHO

thank you for your input. it really really helps

 

[Disney Cakers]

Hmm--I have mild in-law trouble..but I have major step-mother trouble.

She was peeved that MY dad offered to watch HIS grandchildren for us during Marathon weekend. Her temper tantrum (this was at their home where hubby is living while on field assignment in Washington DC) was the major reason why we changed plans. My dad said that it was just a job and they can have fun later. Umm--grandchildren are family--it shouldn't be considered a "job". I could have hired a child care service if I really wanted to hire someone.

Anyway--I'm about done with her. She's "surface nice" to the girls--but sadly, if she continues on this trajectory--they will see in her what I do and grow to hate her. And they so much used to enjoy her company, still pretty much do, but I can see a change.

She's a grown woman but acts like a child and it is her way or the highway.

This weekend--she didn't stick around to watch my girls do their races. Way to go grandma!!! (yes--that's sarcasm!)

Yea. its really tough, but then when you get to that point where you just don't care anymore, it helps out. I just hope that she doesn't end up hurting your girl's feelings. congrats on the marathon!

 

[Disney Cakers]

You've got some great advice, especially mommau4. Your dh will be "not so angry" at them and comments you may make may just hurt him. When you take the high road you can only be proud of yourself.

I'm so sorry you have such stinkers for inlaws.

Thanks for the hug. I haven't said bad things about them to DH, but I have expressed a lot of "why are they doing this to me?" and "why don't they like me?" when I get upset.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Been there. I limit the time I spend with my inlaws to polite family dinners - usually in a public place. It's gotten better over the years. After the time they sat me down to yell at me for how I ruined their lives, their son's life, and what a truly terrible person I am, I basically didn't see them for several years. DH and the kids continue to have a pretty good relationship with them though. I've tried hard to encourage that and try to keep their feelings for me out of it. Our run in happened at year 4 and we've been married 15 now.

I have to say Kudos to your dh to sticking up for you. Although my dh agrees with me that his parents were out of line, he was unable and unwilling to stand up for me (I like to think he has grown past that and perhaps that is why I'm able to see his parents occasionally now). That was hurtful, but with the help of marriage counseling we negotiated a plan to deal with them that helps us keep that issue out of our marriage.

that is a very good idea. if I have to see them (i.e. for holidays) it should be in a public place. that way, they have to act civilized, and then we can leave when we are done. thanks for that input

 

[Disney Cakers]

Sorry for your inlaw trouble.

I think the best thing you can do is just live your life with your DH and not invest your time worrying about them. I know it is easier said than done, but really, the situation is out of your hands. They have their opinion and from the way it sounds, there is really not much you can do to change their minds. Just count your blessings that your sweet DH has your back. There are some hubbies out there that won't cross "Mama" for anything, not even their wives. Unfortunately, I happen to know one.

yes, it is so often the situations we can't control that are so painful. good advice thanks

 

[Disney Cakers]

You have gotten great advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. Your hubby is by your side and that is what matters. Unfortunately, there is probably not too much you can do or say to change their feelings. I have been there myself when I was married. I was actually un-invited to Christmas dinner the first year we were married. What hurt most was that my then husband looked at me and said "What can I do?" and then went without me. I spent Christmas Eve in my family's living room knowing my ILs were speaking horribly about me, but the fact that my husband chose them over me made me realize I was in trouble. We divorced a little over a year later.
As long as you have your DH, you are ok. Start your own holiday traditions and put the invitation out to them next year. If they choose not to be part of it, it is their loss. You and hubby are your own little family now and if they can't live with that they aren't worthy of you as a DIL!!!

Best of luck!

Kat

that is sad. I know my DH would not put up with that - of course, my in-laws wouldn't be brave enough to be that demanding. They want to make it look like they are the hurt ones, not me, so I doubt they would play that card. thanks for the kind words.

 

[Disney Cakers]

I totally understand your situation. My in-laws haven't spoken to us in about 6 years. They have missed out on so many great times. They are so jealous of the relationship we have and the relationship we have with my family. We just made the decision that we did not want our children to think it was okay to treat people the way we, mostly I, was being treated, way too many details! It hurt pretty bad at first and still hurts a little but we have just accepted the fact that it is in our family's best interest to leave things the way they are. This happened off and on for about 9 years until we decided to get off of the roller coaster. We have a great relationship with DH brother and his wife & son. We enjoy great holidays with them and in between times too. It'll be okay. Just don't let them abuse you!

its good to know that in time, I will get through this. and no, we won't let them take advantage of us - or me thank you for sharing

 

[Disney Cakers]

I just wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

to every single person that replied, I have read every post - many over twice, and all of the advice, kind words, stories and hugs really really help and I feel so lucky to have that from my friends at the DisBoards!

I know I tried to reply to everyone, and I haven't been able to reply to all but I want you to know that I do appreciate everything and thank you so much. I feel better and know that I can deal with this:

If I see them, I see them. If I don't, I don't.
I will respect them and not bad mouth them.
However, there will be no relationship me and no special doing on my part.
And above all, I will support DH and live our lives because that is what matters most: our happiness and the time we have to be together in this life.

again,
thank you

 

[lilostitch]

I just wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

to every single person that replied, I have read every post - many over twice, and all of the advice, kind words, stories and hugs really really help and I feel so lucky to have that from my friends at the DisBoards!

I know I tried to reply to everyone, and I haven't been able to reply to all but I want you to know that I do appreciate everything and thank you so much. I feel better and know that I can deal with this:

If I see them, I see them. If I don't, I don't.
I will respect them and not bad mouth them.
However, there will be no relationship me and no special doing on my part.
And above all, I will support DH and live our lives because that is what matters most: our happiness and the time we have to be together in this life.

again,
thank you

Good for you! I am proud of you!

 

[castleview]

My MIL is the exact same way! We just had a new house built, and instead of being happy for us, and proud of her son, she is insanely jealous. Well, she had control of her own life. She made her choices in love and fortune. Since she doesn't have everything, then I guess she feels that nobody else should be allowed to have anything either. What a very sad outlook on life.

Yeah, after we moved into our house, my BIL asked how big it was. I gave him a rough estimate because I honestly wasn't sure of the exact number. When he said it was bigger than his, I said "really". Then his wife chimed in "Well, maybe it only seems bigger than ours because it's on 2 floor and ours is on one." I said "yeah" but I was thinking "are you kidding me?"

 

[sm4987]

I feel for you. I've been going through that for 5 years now. Inlaws said very nasty things to me and finally after years of torture, Dh stuck up to them for me. Well now, we haven't talked. They call his cell phone rather than calling the house. My mil ignores me when we do see each other, which for me has to be in a neutral territory. I don't know why some have great relationships and other's are so bad, but I just thank God for my DH and my kids and let everything else go, because until things change, we are the only family they have!