My In-Laws Said Horrible Things About Me

[castleview]

Do nothing! Writing a letter will add fuel to the fire.

Plus it will give the impression that you care.

 

[LoveWDW]

At holidays, rather than waiting to hear from them what will be done, contact them first and ask.

 

[Disney Cakers]

I have a horrible relationship with my in-laws, my DH doesn't have such a great one with them either. I would be here for hours if I went into everything that they have done to DH, me and now my DS. My MIL never wanted us to date let alone get married and she made that clear, although she would be sickeningly sweet to my face especially if anyone else was around. I never gave her anything but the utmost respect up until she started spiting (I hope I spelled that right) my DS (who is now 20 months) because she is mad at us. She wanted to control our lives from the get-go and I wouldn't allow it. She is EXTREMELY jealous that my DH is so close to my family. She hates that. He calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad" because he really feels like THEY are his parents. My MIL is a very mean person, and look out if your her target.
My DH has made attempts to try and sit down with all of us together to discuss why things are so bad, but they won't have any part of it. I have actually made it my New Years Resolution to stop talking about her so much and stop letting her take up so much of my energy. Me getting so upset over the things she does is not going to change her behavior. She is the way she is. I too thought about writing her a letter and maybe I will one day, but my MIL also has mental illnesses and no matter what I say she will not believe she is wrong. Although you can tell by her reaction that she knows she is wrong but will never admit it. Basically if I were you I would write them a letter if it will make YOU feel better, then just try to except that things may never change and sit back and see what happens. Hope for the best but expect the worst. As long as you know you did everything that you could and didn't do anything they said, you have nothing to worry about. It's their loss to not have you in their life. Be thankful your DH will stand up for you too! Good Luck!

My MIL also suffers from mental illness (her dad was a schizophrenic) and she suffers from depression. She also has a really strong attachment to her 3 grandchildren, and basically if you aren't a kid, you really don't' matter. And we don't have kids so... even FIL and DH younger sister are obsessed with these kids, it is there life! ... in fact my DH's other sister (he just has two sisters) is moving 3 hours away, and I think they are going to pack up and follow them. That would help us tremendously.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Plus it will give the impression that you care.

That's right!!

I wouldn't want them to think that! thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Skywalker]

Yea. It stinks to find out after all these years, they've just been nit-picking and hoarding bad thoughts about me. I wouldn't trust them for anything now. If they did apologize, I'd see them, but I wouldn't speak much. Then they could just say I was a snob. HA! Yes they do make DH miserable and he is beginning to realize we're better off without that drama.

Hey, I understand exactly how you feel. In my case, it was a sister-in-law that acted like a best buddy to my face, until one day someone sat me down and told me what she REALLY thought of me. I was absolutely stunned, I cried, I got mad...and now I simply don't care anymore. I haven't spoken to her in about three years and it is the best thing. Life's too short. Jettison anyone who does not wish you well.

 

[Disney Cakers]

At holidays, rather than waiting to hear from them what will be done, contact them first and ask.

That is good advice. We have done that before, but they just respond with "I don't know" and give us the run around. In the beginning, it wasn't this horrible for the holidays, but their lack of response and interest is how it became progressively worse, boiling down to not seeing them at all.

 

[mommaU4]

Okay here's what you do:

Don't be rude to them or ignore them or never speak to them again. That takes too much energy on your part and will only make you look like the witch in the end.

Do not under any circumstances bad mouth in front of your DH. Like it or not those are his parents and the last thing you want to do is put him in the middle. It will eventually cause stress in your marriage which will only make his parents very happy. And even if he says he's mad too when he calms down you don't want anything out there that you can't take back.

Do not break your back trying to win their approval. If it hasn't happened yet, it probably never will. No more homemade cards or dinners. They don't seem to appreciate it. A card? Sure. Just not homemade.

What you should do is just be polite and cordial like you would with a neighbor or co-worker. Nothing more.
If his mom calls and you answer the phone simply say "Why hello (her name). How are you? (Don't actually wait for an answer. Who cares?) Here's (husbands name here). Bye now." And give him the phone and walk away.

I think the key here is to just co-exist. You may never be best buds, but you don't want to become worst enemies either especially if you do have kids someday.

Don't let them suck you into any arguements either. If one of them says something about the way you do something, don't argue. You'll get no where. Just smile and say something non-committal like "Hmmm, I'll think about that." And leave it at that.

It may seem like you are having to give into them but really your just keeping peace and saving your own sanity. Let any rude comments roll off your back. Get a punching bag if you need to get out your frustrations.

Good luck. My MIL frequently says mean or hurtful things to me with out thinking. She's sweet but has no tact! I just remember to tell myself that's the way she is and it's not worth battling over every little thing. It's actually enabled us to have a very nice relationship, most of the time.

 

[Mandabella]

At holidays, rather than waiting to hear from them what will be done, contact them first and ask.

At this point, would the OP really want to spend her holidays with these people?

I know my holidays are happiest when I don't have to spend them with my undesirable relations (in my case some members of my BLOOD family...I love my MIL, she's sweet to me.). Rarely is there ever a positive experience when they are involved and someone ends up getting hurt and/or being accused of some "heinous crime." It's ridiculous. I am finding distance is better for me. Maybe one day things will change, but I'm not counting onit and I'd rather spend my time with people whose company I enjoy and in return enjoy mine.

To the OP....aren't families fun?

 

[Disney Cakers]

Okay here's what you do:

Don't be rude to them or ignore them or never speak to them again. That takes too much energy on your part and will only make you look like the witch in the end.

Do not under any circumstances bad mouth in front of your DH. Like it or not those are his parents and the last thing you want to do is put him in the middle. It will eventually cause stress in your marriage which will only make his parents very happy. And even if he says he's mad too when he calms down you don't want anything out there that you can't take back.

Do not break your back trying to win their approval. If it hasn't happened yet, it probably never will. No more homemade cards or dinners. They don't seem to appreciate it. A card? Sure. Just not homemade.

What you should do is just be polite and cordial like you would with a neighbor or co-worker. Nothing more.
If his mom calls and you answer the phone simply say "Why hello (her name). How are you? (Don't actually wait for an answer. Who cares?) Here's (husbands name here). Bye now." And give him the phone and walk away.

I think the key here is to just co-exist. You may never be best buds, but you don't want to become worst enemies either especially if you do have kids someday.

Don't let them suck you into any arguements either. If one of them says something about the way you do something, don't argue. You'll get no where. Just smile and say something non-committal like "Hmmm, I'll think about that." And leave it at that.

It may seem like you are having to give into them but really your just keeping peace and saving your own sanity. Let any rude comments roll off your back. Get a punching bag if you need to get out your frustrations.

Good luck. My MIL frequently says mean or hurtful things to me with out thinking. She's sweet but has no tact! I just remember to tell myself that's the way she is and it's not worth battling over every little thing. It's actually enabled us to have a very nice relationship, most of the time.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it

 

[castleview]

Hey, I understand exactly how you feel. In my case, it was a sister-in-law that acted like a best buddy to my face....

Yeah, my SIL did that too. Then after DH and I were dating for 2 months (lusty stage), he picked me up and said "she screamed at me yesterday for being so wrapped up in you that I didn't pay attention to her." Huh?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hmm--I have mild in-law trouble..but I have major step-mother trouble.

She was peeved that MY dad offered to watch HIS grandchildren for us during Marathon weekend. Her temper tantrum (this was at their home where hubby is living while on field assignment in Washington DC) was the major reason why we changed plans. My dad said that it was just a job and they can have fun later. Umm--grandchildren are family--it shouldn't be considered a "job". I could have hired a child care service if I really wanted to hire someone.

Anyway--I'm about done with her. She's "surface nice" to the girls--but sadly, if she continues on this trajectory--they will see in her what I do and grow to hate her. And they so much used to enjoy her company, still pretty much do, but I can see a change.

She's a grown woman but acts like a child and it is her way or the highway.

This weekend--she didn't stick around to watch my girls do their races. Way to go grandma!!! (yes--that's sarcasm!)

 

[mommaU4]

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it

Sure, for what ever it's worth.
I know it's hard. I don't think there's any right answer. Take a little from all these answers here and use them as the situation calls for it.
Oh, and one more thing. Always remember to count to 10 before making any comment when around in-laws!

 

[poohkie]

You said his sister doesn't have any life. Sounds like they want the same for your DH. She's most likely become so dependent on them she doesn't know how to have her own life. If they don't approve of you it's likely they wouldn't approve of any for her either. Either way it's there problem not yours.

 

[ElizaB39]

deleted on purpose...

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

You've got some great advice, especially mommau4. Your dh will be "not so angry" at them and comments you may make may just hurt him. When you take the high road you can only be proud of yourself.

I'm so sorry you have such stinkers for inlaws.

 

[disykat]

Been there. I limit the time I spend with my inlaws to polite family dinners - usually in a public place. It's gotten better over the years. After the time they sat me down to yell at me for how I ruined their lives, their son's life, and what a truly terrible person I am, I basically didn't see them for several years. DH and the kids continue to have a pretty good relationship with them though. I've tried hard to encourage that and try to keep their feelings for me out of it. Our run in happened at year 4 and we've been married 15 now.

I have to say Kudos to your dh to sticking up for you. Although my dh agrees with me that his parents were out of line, he was unable and unwilling to stand up for me (I like to think he has grown past that and perhaps that is why I'm able to see his parents occasionally now). That was hurtful, but with the help of marriage counseling we negotiated a plan to deal with them that helps us keep that issue out of our marriage.

 

[LaLa]

Sorry for your inlaw trouble.

I think the best thing you can do is just live your life with your DH and not invest your time worrying about them. I know it is easier said than done, but really, the situation is out of your hands. They have their opinion and from the way it sounds, there is really not much you can do to change their minds. Just count your blessings that your sweet DH has your back. There are some hubbies out there that won't cross "Mama" for anything, not even their wives. Unfortunately, I happen to know one.

 

[BrinxFam]

I totally understand your situation. My in-laws haven't spoken to us in about 6 years. They have missed out on so many great times. They are so jealous of the relationship we have and the relationship we have with my family. We just made the decision that we did not want our children to think it was okay to treat people the way we, mostly I, was being treated, way too many details! It hurt pretty bad at first and still hurts a little but we have just accepted the fact that it is in our family's best interest to leave things the way they are. This happened off and on for about 9 years until we decided to get off of the roller coaster. We have a great relationship with DH brother and his wife & son. We enjoy great holidays with them and in between times too. It'll be okay. Just don't let them abuse you!

 

[kittythepoohbear]

You have gotten great advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. Your hubby is by your side and that is what matters. Unfortunately, there is probably not too much you can do or say to change their feelings. I have been there myself when I was married. I was actually un-invited to Christmas dinner the first year we were married. What hurt most was that my then husband looked at me and said "What can I do?" and then went without me. I spent Christmas Eve in my family's living room knowing my ILs were speaking horribly about me, but the fact that my husband chose them over me made me realize I was in trouble. We divorced a little over a year later.
As long as you have your DH, you are ok. Start your own holiday traditions and put the invitation out to them next year. If they choose not to be part of it, it is their loss. You and hubby are your own little family now and if they can't live with that they aren't worthy of you as a DIL!!!

Best of luck!

Kat

 

[lilostitch]

I feel for you. My MIL is somewhat similar to this. She tried to get my DH to break things off with me when we first started dating (she had never met or spoken to me at that point). My DH (who was obviously just a boyfriend at the time) told her to cut the apron strings, he was an adult and would make his own decisions (go baby, go baby, it's your birthday). I fell in love with him right then, that was the clincher for me

Since then, we got married and have been married for 12 wonderful years and have 2 beautiful DDs. My MIL has gotten somewhat better, especially since the birth of the first DD (who adores her granny BTW). I have NEVER said an ill word to the woman, and I was INCREDIBLY hurt when she made some ugly remarks about me and my SIL at a family reunion. Neither my SIL nor I said a word or reacted as if we heard the comments.

Even though I have my masters degree in counseling and work with families everyday, it was VERY hurtful. I considered banning her from my DD (I only had one at the time), telling my DH that if she didn't respect me, she would not be allowed to be around my DD...how could I be sure she wouldn't badmouth me in front of my DD. I ranted and cried about it because I thought she'd been deceiving me for the past few years, being nice to my face and backstabbing me to the rest of the family.

HOWEVER, after a week or so of sulking, I had to think about my counseling training and my experience with families. IT WASN'T ABOUT ME, IT WAS ABOUT HER! My fabulous DH reminded me that she has VERY LOW self-esteem. Her family of origin is verbally abusive, her dad is an alcoholic, and her mother (who has always been super sweet to me...at least to my face!) talks to her like she is DIRT!

When I look at the big picture, I have to forgive her for her ignorance. She tells me she is proud of me, that I'm a good mom, even that she loves me. I have distanced myself from her emotionally though, because I think she felt the need to tear me down a little bit to make herself feel better.

That being said, I won't tolerate her badmouthing me again, ESPECIALLY if it ever happened in front of my children. That is completely unacceptable to me.

If you and your DH ever have children, it would be nice if they could have some sort of relationship with his family, if that is possible. However, if the continue to disrespect you, they lose that privelege, that is their choice.

Good luck with it all, I know it isn't easy. Hang in there