My In-Laws Said Horrible Things About Me

[RangerPooh]

I could say that you should kill them with kindness but that probably isn't the best solution. Instead just be cordial and tolerate them. They're your DH family and he probably doesn't want to get in the middle of things. So my suggestion would be like someone else said and not bad mouth them infront of you DH.


I can understand inlaw problems. DH stepmom didn't want to put the effort into attending our wedding even after we offered to pay for things. In the end my FIL made them attend. Apparently there has also been comments made to DH about me as to why should the invest money into buying me presnets (ie: x-mas) when they don't se me sticking around too long. Ouch! Like my MIL should talk, she's been married like 6 times! Unlike her I love my husband. This might explain them misspelling my name on our X-mas card.

 

[nwdisgal]

What a bummer. I can relate though. I had a similar incident with my FIL years ago, over completely petty stuff. The relationship has never been the same and I consider it his loss, not mine. My DH stood by me at the time, and I am glad to hear your's did for you. That's all you need to know, that your DH is behind you. Your In Laws really don't have a choice. The day their son married you, is the day you became their DIL and they should accept you as such and quit trying to make waves over every stupid little thing.

 

[safetymom]

I had that same problem with my inlaws. Nothing I could do was ever enough for them. My father in law stood in my living room one day and told my husband how terrible I was. Thankfully my husband stood up for me but it didn't make any difference.

When my husband passed away after only 19 years of marriage the first thing my mother in law said to me when told her son had died was "What are we going to do with you?"

They didn't really bother with the kids and I after that. It took me a long time to realize that they just would never understand we could have had a great relationship. It's their loss.

Just don't let your inlaws get to you and your husband. My late husband was a wonderful man but he had strange parents.

 

[RitaZ.]

That's right!!

I wouldn't want them to think that! thanks for pointing that out.

They know that you care, if not you wouldn't be so upset.

I have no good advice to offer, but I've been there. I've noticed that some families have this inner circle that only includes blood relatives, those that happen to be related to them by marriage never really fit in or are accepted. Not only that, but according to some in the inner circle, these intruders are the single cause and contributors to family ******* that has existed for years. It's a heavy burden, but someone has to bear it and it's not going to be them, they never do anything wrong.

There is really nothing you can do to change them. Your have two choices: Have nothing to do with them again. I wouldn't recommend that because your DH probably wants to have a relationship with his family. Choice 2: Step back and accept them, which to me means being respectful and civil. If you cease to have expectations from them, you'll never be disappointed again. Yes, it would be wonderful for all involved to be respectful and accepting of one another, but often times that isn't reality. I guess we all have an ideal of what our relationship with our ILs should be, I know I did. The reality is that we can't make others feel and do what we want them to.

Hugs to you, I know it hurts to be treated that way.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Please don't write the letter. The stuff listed is petty and childish. You have been a good DIL and being a great wife to their son is showing them respect. Keep on with your life and send a birthday/anniversary/etc cards as you always did. If you see them say hi and see how it goes from there.

 

[mcr5298]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I read your post and it almost mirrored my relationship with my MIL. Only my MIL wasn't as kind. She seriously has some mental issues that she refuses to recognize. She used more curse words to describeher dislike of me. At the beginning, things were okay. She would tell her younger son that she wished that he could find a nice girl like me. Then we got married. And because of her own choice, she lived in Florida, and we lived in New Jersey. My parents live only a half hour away, so we see them once or twice a month. My MIL became very jealous of my family. And the fact that my DH wanted to spend time with my family. I all honesty, my MIL treats her children very badly, curses at them, puts them down, and still expects them to come crawling back to her because she gave birth to them, and she is their mother.

In the past I have always tried to keep her happy so she didn't go off on us. The more flies with honey kind of thing. I was the one who made sure that she got birthday and mother's day cards and flowers on her birthday. Not even her daughter ever took care of that. Sometimes I can't blame her for not doing it. My mother raised me to treat my elders with respect, although I didn't want to most times. But she would always flip out for some stupid reason and not talk to us for months at a time. Ah, those were happy months!

Last year, while I was adjusting to having a newborn and a 2 year old, she came up to stay with us. She would always come up during the holidays, because all of her family is up in New Jersey. Sometimes through the year she would just say, oh I'll be staying for two weeks in June. Never asking if it was okay to stay. So she came up with her DH (not Joe's father and her 3rd or 4th husband) for our son's Christening. This was August, and she didn't leave untl November! Now we could have told her to find a place to stay since she was going to be up so long. But we are good people, and still try to help her out when it is needed. She went back down to Florida for Thanksgiving. When she came back up for Christmas she was very cold to me. I couldn't understand why, since we had actually gotten along while she was staying with us. Then she starts going off on me to my DH. He just couldn't take it anymore and told her to get out. Of course she told everyone that he said get the f out and never come back. He actually said, if you are not happy here, then leave. She said some very horrible things about me, and I was very hurt. Here we let this lady stay with us for months, and not even a thank you. Instead we get insulted and abused. It winds up that she was jealous because we wanted to switch days for Christmas with my family. Here this lady was jealous of me and her son spending time with my family when she had lived with us for 4 months!!!

I have realized that there is just no pleasing this woman. She needs help, and nobody can do anything for her if she doesn't recognize that. We didn't speak for months, but are finally talking to each other. And that is only because my DH's sister was getting married and we couldn't avoid seeing her. And do you think we ever got an apology? Nope, not a word. This lady never says that she is sorry. She doesn't think that she did anything wrong. It's always my fault! My DH is Italian, and when she pulled the stunt at Christmas, he swore that he was done with her. But like the Soprano's, we got sucked back in. Now my SIL isn't speaking to her because she told her off. And all because my MIL is now jealous of her daughter's new life with her DH's family. And her DH will not put up with my MIL. He doesn't know how I did it for so long. At least now I know that it wasn't just me all the time. She is jealous of anyone who is in her children's lives. She's going to push away everyone that she loves. But, I've learned that I can't worry about it. I know that she is going to flip out on us again for some stupid reason. But I am not going to kiss her butt anymore. And I'm lucky that my DH supports me. He knows that his mother is nuts.

I'm sorry for the novel. But I hope that it has helped you see that you are not alone. And maybe it might make your situation look a little better. Although I'm sure that you are still hurt. It is unfair to feel left out when you are trying everything to fit in. You also have to understand that these people may never change, and you might not be able to do anything about it. I hope that you have the support of your husband, because that makes a huge difference. I fear that even if you talked to them, and wrote them a letter, they might not respond. So all you can do is keep doing what you are doing. Invite them over and stay in contact with them. Just don't go out of your way to kiss up to them. Maybe they will lighten up and realize that if they want to be a part of their sons life, you must be included. Good luck!

 

[SamRoc]

Disney Cakers, the only thing you can do is step back and enjoy your life with your husband. He's the only one that really matters in the long run, and I have been going through this a long time! Spend time with your family and your friends, the people that really cherish you. Life is too short to waste your time with people who don't appreciate you.

 

[Crankyshank]

I echo the advice to not send a letter. At this point anything you do is more likely to make the situation worse not better. I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice to them but I would be polite and cordial when I saw them. Really no matter what you say or do they are going to find fault with it so in all honesty, why knock yourself out?

I have extremely passive aggressive in-laws that stab me in the back at every opportunity. Fortunately they live in FL but they love to lay into me to DH over the phone to the point where he only talked them briefly on Christmas- the only time he has spoken to them since their last tirade about me in October after our visit. I've gotten to the point where I will encourage DH to keep in contact with them, but I'm not going out of my way and I'm not going to try and ingratiate myself anymore.

 

[diznygirl]

Don't put anything in writing! Right now they have no actualy proof that you are a bad person - so don't give them anything as concrete as a letter. No matter what you say in it, it will be used against you.

Eventually things will change with them - they will want to see their son and will pretend like nothing ever happened. Pretend along right with them. Life is not short - it's very very long! You don't want to spend it with bad feelings.

And be thankful for any peace and quiet this estrangement gives you and your DH.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Personal experience here.
Have the EXACT same situation with my inlaws.

I agree. DO NOT put anything in writing!!!
And, do not say one word!!!!

This is up to your DH to handle.


From your posts, you are correct. It has nothing to do with anything terrible you have done. And, it sounds like your inlaws have some real issues with their son having a wife who takes his time and commitment away from them. And, in the back of their mind, subconsciencely, they may actually think that they could get their son to leave you.

We just buried FIL yesterday. And, beleive me... until the the very end he continued to feel that way. He actually went off on me a few months ago, and chewed me out, and told my DH right there that 'You could do better'.

We have been happily married for many many years, have a wonderful beautiful DS who they adore... And I am a devoted wife and mother to their son and to grandson. I have practically bitten my tongue right off in order to keep from saying one rude word to them.... But, his parents actually continued to think that DH would just up and leave me?????


And, beleive me. You are one lucky wife to have a DH who can see the issues here and to defend you.

For years and years and years my DH actually expected me to see his parents every single week, and to take that kind of treatment, disrespect, abuse... The above incident was the day that we went home, and I told DH that I had gone years refusing to let this impact our marriage. But, that if he did not defend and protect me as his wife... and if he continued to sit by and allow his Father to abuse me that way, That if he did not love and care for me any more than that, then I no longer knew if I wanted to stay married.

That was the day that DH saw the light!!!

And, don't forget, when there are kids (grandkids) involved. The stuff will really hit the fan!!!

Allow your wonderful DH to handle the situation!!! He is on the right track!!!

 

[SleepyMom]

I have a little different piece of advice... I say write the letter, put down everything you have told us and everything else that you need to get out. Tell them exactly how it hurts, how they have made you feel. Re-read the letter as many times as you need to and then shred it or burn it and let it go.

I know it's not easy dealing with IL's like this, I have been there, done that. I just forgot to buy the t-shirt in the gift shop.

Your DH supports you and in this case, that is all that matters.

 

[SamRoc]

I also agree about NOT writing the letter. She can display this for everyone to see if there is one thing negative in it, she will be sure to show it to others. That is exactly what I do with the letter my mother in law wrote to me right after 9/11. She was PO'd that her 5 daughter in laws here in NYC did not remember her 50th wedding anniversary and that if our mothers were still alive (4 out of the 5 daughter in laws lost our Moms)we would have been SURE to have her sons pay for a party! Needless to say it broke my heart that she even talked about my Mom, but proved that she was a selfish *****. Especially after 9/11 and what we went through here in NY (thank goodness my in laws live in Florda) What really amazed me about this letter was the fact that she didn't send it to her sons, only daughter in laws, and that she has 3 sons who are NYC firemen! how selfish can you be, to think about an anniversary party, when so many people lost their lives! Any respect I had for her was gone after that letter. But I do keep it on my inlaws wedding picture frame, in the corner, just as a reminder of what she is really like, and also as a reminder to my dh never to bother me about why I'm not close to his mother. Its been 5 years and I have had hardly any contact with her, and its better that way.

 

[Magalex]

Just want you to know you have lots of friends on the DIS. Been in the situation. The postings from MommaU4 are so true. Be cordial or just be polite. It does take alot of energy to think about what went wrong.(and the guilt) If I only knew that years ago. Now my goal is just keep the peace and smile. You can't make everyone happy.

Good Luck

 

[Disney Cakers]

You said his sister doesn't have any life. Sounds like they want the same for your DH. She's most likely become so dependent on them she doesn't know how to have her own life. If they don't approve of you it's likely they wouldn't approve of any for her either. Either way it's there problem not yours.

Yes, it is really sad. She is overweight and has social issues about being in public. She was allowed to homeschool and didn't finish. So as far as I know, she hadn't graduated. She doesn't work and her main purpose in life is to watch her older sister's kids with her mom and dad. As parents, they obviously let this child down. My mom feels they are jealous of all kinds of things, from our nice home (theirs is small and cramped) to our vacations and the fact that we have friends and go out and all that stuff.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Yea..my MIL called me a "female dog". Nothing you can do, stand by your DH, and do your own things. You will never make people like that happy.

How nice of her! I'm sure my MIL says that about me, or one of my SILs - but they of course, wouldn't say THAT to my DH. They like to say things, and try to play the "victim" card. So when they did say all those horrible things about me, they also then tried to say that they loved me and they enjoyed it when we did this and that. HA! My family that really loves me never holds a grudge for things we do (intentionally or not) and then let it fester for years!

 

[Disney Cakers]

I have similar in-laws. (Are you sure yours aren't related to mine?) Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I used to think I was alone. It doesn't matter what I do or how much I do, I'm still not part of "their" family. And, yes, sometimes I wonder if MIL would like for her son to move in w/her. I know she doesn't, but she sure makes it sound that way sometimes. Anyway, I don't think you can win, so don't try. Just let it go, and ignore them.

It really does help to know I'm not alone. if only I could jet of to Disney for a couple of weeks!

 

[Disney Cakers]

At this point, would the OP really want to spend her holidays with these people?

I know my holidays are happiest when I don't have to spend them with my undesirable relations (in my case some members of my BLOOD family...I love my MIL, she's sweet to me.). Rarely is there ever a positive experience when they are involved and someone ends up getting hurt and/or being accused of some "heinous crime." It's ridiculous. I am finding distance is better for me. Maybe one day things will change, but I'm not counting onit and I'd rather spend my time with people whose company I enjoy and in return enjoy mine.

To the OP....aren't families fun?

Oh they're a bundle


the holidays... yes I really don't like to spend it with them and this is why: they don't do anything!
When i first met them, we had Thanksgiving and there was food. Then the following years turned into pizza, or going to the pancake house which turned into the day before or after, on his dad's birthday.

for Christmas, there was a tree... which turned into a forest a trees... which one year dissappeared entirely. But at my family's home... and our home... there are decorations everywhere and we go all out if you know what I mean. Its the holidays! My DH is SOOO cute. he gets super excited about putting up lights, making Thanksgiving meal, and putting out all the Christmas decorations. And its not like they don't have time to do any thing, they don't work even FIL is retired. MIL and SIL are just lazy and have the "what for" felling.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Hey, I understand exactly how you feel. In my case, it was a sister-in-law that acted like a best buddy to my face, until one day someone sat me down and told me what she REALLY thought of me. I was absolutely stunned, I cried, I got mad...and now I simply don't care anymore. I haven't spoken to her in about three years and it is the best thing. Life's too short. Jettison anyone who does not wish you well.

Yes, I too was stunned, I cried and I got mad. Its not the usual "I hate you - don't marry my son" that some people get from the very beginning. It was a sugar coated, we love you and then a big fat lie revealed in the end. I was shocked. When DH went to talk to them, I expected the usual, but never that. Felt like the last 5 years were just a waste.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Yeah, my SIL did that too. Then after DH and I were dating for 2 months (lusty stage), he picked me up and said "she screamed at me yesterday for being so wrapped up in you that I didn't pay attention to her." Huh?

OMG yes! DH's younger sister said that she and older sister have sat around and joked "we used to have a brother" oh come on. he has to work! he has to rest! he has a life. it doesn't revolve around you.

 

[noseybuddy]

What would you do??

DH and I have been married 4 years (together 5 1/2)
& our relationship w/his parents has been so-so. I have always been nice to them: I've made homemade birthday cards, cooked dinners, and supported them in tough times. I've even tried to get his younger sister (who's 24 and still lives at home - but has no life) to get out and I took her to Dallas to see a movie she wanted to see at the Angelika, an up-scale theater. But all through the years, I always complained to DH that I felt like they didn't like me. They never invited me to do things with them, and often rejected our offers and sometimes gave us excuses as why we couldn't come visit.

The holidays are horrible. The only holiday we actually have with them is Thanksgiving, which we celebrate on my FIL's birthday. Its been that way every year. This year, no one told us about their plans. And we did nothing.


Well, we had this surprise ping-pong table in our garage. It was MIL's Christmas present that they had to stash at our place. Low and behold - about a week before Christmas - there are no plans. And we make other plans because we are often left dissappointed. So DH calls to arrange for the p/u of such ping pong table so that he can be sure to be there and help his dad moving it.

In the end, our available schedule (DH works retail and 6 days a week in Dec) is taken as a "blow off" for Christmas. And soon turns into a family session which my DH has to go to. It turned out being a "we act that way because..." and they said all these horrible things about me!...


1. That I once said that I planned on manipulating my grandpa into buying us a washer and dryer for our wedding. And then, on another occasion, I mentioned that we got a washer and dryer.

2. That I said that I manipulate my parents into getting me whatever I want.

3. When FIL was in hospital for stroke (which turned out to be minor, thank god) that we had to leave because I had the "sniffles"

4. At a birthday dinner (for me) I let my neice (their grand-daughter then 3) play with the helium balloon given to me by my parents, then eventually took it away from her (how dare I)

5. That I delibertly kept my DH away from them

6. That we only came out to see them when I wanted to show them something


DH got mad and stood up for me. And when I heard all the things they said about me, I told them how I did not appreciate the things they said, and that all I'd ever done was to try and be part of their family, that I was sick of it and didn't want anything to do with them. Of course, no one apologized to me. And they made sure to ignore my birthday (Dec 27) but his younger sister tried to send a couple of cutsey e-mails (like nothing happened) and basically we have not spoken to them since. It has been 3 weeks now. And it still hurts. I feel like writing them a letter, telling them how they made me feel. None of the things they said were true. My mom thinks they are jealous or my relationship with DH and our relationship with my parents. People tell me it won't do any good to talk to them further. Should I let this go and not talk to them again? How would you feel?? DH will eventually talk to them after he gets over being mad at them - but he doesn't expect me to.

What would you do?

If I didn't know any better I would think you had the same in-laws as me.
My DH parents didn't like me from day one. I didn't really care for his mom but I was raised to respect my elders. Well as time went on, she just kept interferring in our lives and making problems. She and her husband decided they wanted a family meeting. I'm like what, are we the Brady Bunch now? So they come over and all they did was complain about me. I had to go pick my DS at preschool and I told my DH that when I get back, they better be gone. Things went from bad to worse. She tried very hard to break up the marriage of me and her son. She wasn't done yet, her husband wrote and mailed me a letter about all the things I do wrong. Then she followed it up with a typed letter adding more. After that I still even tried with them because of my DH. But they just kept doing one more mean thing after another. Finally I had enough and I told DH that it's his mom not mine, he can vist her call her, what ever he wants but I am done, it's either that or we are getting divorced because I am not going to fight over this the rest of my married life. So we now have been married 18 years, haven't talked to her in 14 years and I couldn't be happier. I have no regrets eliminating her from my life. She is someone who was NEVER going to change.