My In-laws are worse than your In-laws!

[cjdj4]

It has taken me all of last night and part of today to read this whole thread. It has been both funny and sad at the exact same time. Don't leave out shocking I feel for those of you who go through this with your in-laws. While my in-laws are far from perfect, they are far from the monster-in-laws I have read about here. This is what I deal with:

MIL - Judgmental? Yes. Mean? No. FIL, Judgmental? No. Mean? No. Does he think he's the best most amazing father & grandfather ever because he conveniently forgets about his years as a violent drunk? Yes. They come every Christmas for a 10 day stay in my tiny house. They never go out, they watch my TV, eat the food, leave crumbs and used tissues all over the house, talk with their mouth full, tell us endless stories about people we will never meet, never ask us details about DD8, DSS20, or ourselves, and never tells us about the details of DH's siblings, nieces or nephews for TEN DAYS!!!!!. By the end of the 10 days I am ready to be committed to an asylum. DH stops communicating with everyone after day 2 and crawls into a shell until they leave. They always come when we are off and DH feels like we need to spend every day there with them. I mean DD and I go about our regular business as much as we can the week leading up to Christmas thru NY, but there isn't that much to do. I try to keep busy in the kitchen. You would think I was Betty Crocker from the amount of time I spend in the kitchen baking and cooking. I need to occupy myself because I cannot lock myself in my room (Dh's 1st wife locked herself in her room and they are still upset about it to this day (like 18 years ago people get over it).
We have tried going to them (1500 miles) for Christmas, and it's worse. It's cold, and I cannot hide in the kitchen or run misc. errands.

For the 1st 5 years DH and I were together, all my ILs wanted to talk about was DH's ex. They hated her. They had nothing nice to say ever. Don't get me wrong, I have no wish to hang out with DHs ex, but gosh, she's the mother of his son. She is pretty nice. She's a little nutty, but she is is ex not his wife. DH never says anything bad about her to anyone (once in while he will to me, but never to anyone else) and quiet frankly if he did bad mouth her I would not have married him. Anyway, for the 1st five years DH and I were together as soon as DH was not around they would just launch into how horrible she was. Finally, after I had DD, I told them I did not want to talk about the ex anymore. Their marriage was in the distant past, and I have been around for long enough for everyone to move on. We have a great life together. The Ex is a great mom, and has always been (mostly) more than gracious toward MIL & FIL. That was the last time they trashed-talked her to me.

The worst thing I can remember is when DD was born they came for a visit when she was 4-5 weeks old. They told DH before they came that I needed to make sure I covered myself up or left the room when I breastfeed. Seriously? You are coming to my house. **** you! At the time, I used a glider and ottoman in front of a TV to nurse. There was a love seat across from the glider and a couch behind the glider all facing the TV. They came and sat in the loveseat facing me as I nursed the WHOLE week. Never one did one of their cheeks touch the couch that did not face me directly as I nursed their GD. I always thought that was so weird, they wanted me to move or cover up, but then choose a front row seat. During this same visit, FIL bragged on and on everyday about how many diapers he had changed, but never touched DD's diaper. MIL let me know how unhappy she was that I forgot her birthday (three weeks before they came - DD was 1 week old). I should have asked her where my birthday wishes where. DD cried non-stop until she was 5 weeks old. They barely held her, did not help me, made things messier and actually harder. At the time DH was working 80 hours a week and could not help much. They just sat and stared at me nursing for a week, and made things all around more difficult. The day after they left DD stopped crying and smiled for the first time. She never cried like that again. I know it was a coincidence, but I felt like she was on to something

Again, they are really not that bad. This is really the worst of it. They mean well. They love me. They love my kid. They want to be with their son. I can suck it up for 10 days a year. Only 3 weeks til they get here Merry Christmas to me.

PS - did I mention I drink lots of adult eggnog and wine when they are here?

 

[Jennasis]

Oh heck.

DH spoke to his mother today. His birthday is this weekend so I think he was trying to figure out whether he would see her at all. He offered to stop by her antique shop for lunch (that he would bring). Great...

Well it seems MIL then unloaded on him about her craptastic life. SURPRISE!...she's bankrupt and the antique store has gone under (or will as of Jan 1). She has no income other than SS, and cannot afford her bills, the mortgage, utilities, the store's bills and her MASSIVE credit card debt. She blew through her savings on the shop.

I'm not gloating. On the contrary, I am genuinely worried. She bought the stupid store in one of her manic upswings and the depressive crash is nigh. That's when she is at her nasty nasty worst. I asked DH if he and I were on the same page as far as what would be the answer when she loses it all and asks to move back in with us. He said a definitive NO WAY. It would destroy him and our marriage.

Since we aren't really on speaking terms it's hard to offer her any advice, but that's pointless anyway since any advice we've ever offered her has been rebuffed. She likes to play the martyr/victim. She will have to get a real job...maybe Walmart (which would suck for me cause I'de have to actually see her everytime I go in there).

Yeesh. Happy holidays.

 

[Crystal824]

I know that I could top you all.. I haven't met a MIL thread that I haven't felt compelled to want to write in..

I don't have all day so I will just write down some highlights..

1.. when I was 5 mnths pregnant my mil said she was going to buy me a poncho for the winter because "THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE GOING TO FIT INTO A REGULAR SIZED COAT"..
2. The day I delivered my son, she walked into my room and in front of 4 other people asked " SO how much weight did you lose"?
3. The very first Christmas I had with my husband (we were dating at the time) was my first without my dad (who had died in Sept.) his family invited my mom and brother too.. MIL's mother was there (who came via van from a nursing home because she had MS and was confined to a wheelchair)..for a reason that we still don't know, she screamed at her mother using profanity at the top of her lungs.. basically everyone left and she cried for me on her bed for an hour " christine, everyone hates me" sobbing uncontrollably.. (should have known then)..
4. invited herself to disney with all of us.. complained the entire time.. tried to parent our children and when we finally fought back, she faked fainting and was" carried" out of line at the safari by my FIL.. the key to this is, that night was the 1 and only night that we had scheduled to go out without the kids, and the inlaws were watching the kids.. she stayed in her room and my FIL got her take out..
5. more recently she quit her job (called it retiring) without the means to do so.. her sons now own her house yet.. she doesn't care that both of them work to pay for the mortgage that she can't afford..
6. she has come in between the marriages of her son's and their wife by trying to make everything about her.
7. she lies about everything from NOT smoking.. to making "homemade cookies".
I could go on and on.. There are so many more.. she is someone that blames everyone else for her life.. yet, she doesn't do anythign to make herself better.. she wallows in her own miserty by doing nothing but complaining about her life..
Currently myself and my sil don't talk to her at all.. I make no attempt to talk to her.. Its sad for her.. But, not for me..

Are you married to my DH's brother? This sounds just like my MIL.

 

[worm761]

His mother called last night to scream at him about us getting married and then hang up on him. Well....welcome to the family I guess?

 

[Tinkh]

Man, I have about a million. My mother-in-law can be the most generous woman in the world..... However, it always strings attached. If we plan something, she takes over and always starts buying more or upgrading. Then, she will tell everyone about the fabulous trip she sent us on or the huge television she bought us for the bedroom etc. Even though we never asked for it. If we say we want something in passing to others, she finds out and will buy it. On her terms and what she likes. If you try and turn it down or return, then she somehow makes you feel horrible about it. I love her because she is my husband's mother. I do love her because I know that in her heart she loves us, but omgsh she is so mean sometimes. I have no idea why. Examples of some of the awkward things she does or says.

1. I am in school full time and also work in the hospital a few days a week for clinicals for my respiratory degree. I also am a mom and wife with three dogs, a cat, and a house to keep up. When I married her son, I was the lead supervisor of a manufacturing company. My husband worked for General Motors, so I was able to go part-time and work for my son's school for 6 years before returning to school. At Thanksgiving dinner, in front of everyone she starts asking us about our mortgage. We tell her and then she starts telling us we should refinance (even though we have great rates and easily pay over every month) and that surely to God I will be working at some point so that we can pay it off early. Really??? I am on partial scholarship because after three and a half years at school I have a 3.976. I kill myself every week. So rude! My husband and I are not in any way hurting for money. That same meal, my husband made a joke about his mother getting his work ethic. My family all laughed and so did his because they all know my husband needs told a thousand times to fix something at home. It is who he is. Yes, he works hard, but for goodness sakes it was a joke. She stands up and says "I don't know what you are all laughing at, my son works hard to take care of your daughter." It was psycho! So awkward. We all just ignored it.

2. If I make something and bring it to a dinner or something, she makes it the next time and will ask everyone if hers was better than mine.

3. At our wedding, she wore a light cream colored beaded floor length gown. That was after she told my mother who is quite simple that she couldn't join us for the dress shopping because she was getting hers from Paris.

4. She INSISTED that we had to have a receiving line at the wedding and that it was not fair for her not to have her time to be mother of the bride. My dad has cancer and was on chemo at the time. We didn't want to call attention to how tired he was so we were going to let people out row to row then my dad wouldn't have to try and stand whole time or be sitting while everyone else was standing. It was all about her. I HATED the whole wedding. Everything that I planned she would call and change. I cancelled the wedding the week before because I could not take one more second. My husband finally stood up for me, so I went through with it. I will forever say my wedding was one of the worst days ever other than marrying my amazing husband.

5. On numerous occasions for hours on end she will tell me that when she met my mother that she HATED her and thought she was the biggest ***** in the world. Only she uses the words. My mom is incredibly shy. Now, that his mom finally gets that aspect of my mom's personality, she will just go on and on that my mom is just weird. Well, I think that she is obsessed in a freakish weird way with her son, but I do not go around and tell people that all the time.

Those are just a few examples. I feel guilty every time that I vent about it because I do try and love and respect her. She literally can be the most generous woman in the world and there are times when I am so grateful to her because of her loyalty to our family etc. However, sometimes I just get so angry over the digs. Lord please forgive this vent, but I have to get it out sometimes or else it will just build and I snap at her which makes me feel even guiltier.

Oh and the topping on the in-law cake this week. My father-in-law (they are divorced his mom has had like 7 marriages) called about my husband's birthday next week and was asking about where they were going to go eat. His dad, brother and my husband. Yep, he didn't invite my son or me. Guess he forgot my husband is married or that we always take them out for their birthdays.

 

[tlbwriter]

Those are just a few examples. I feel guilty every time that I vent about it because I do try and love and respect her. She literally can be the most generous woman in the world and there are times when I am so grateful to her because of her loyalty to our family etc.

Someone who uses "gifts" to bribe or control you is not the same as being generous. It would be interesting to see what happens if you stop accepting her gifts, and stop the information train so she doesn't know how much your mortgage is (really? you thought you had to answer that question?) or what you're planning to buy. You might find out she's a lot nicer when you take the money and gifts out of the equation. Or you might find that the "gifts" were the only really nice thing about her.

 

[azdizzymom]

My inlaws don't acknowledge their son's birthday!
Not even a card....I get the same treatment.
My kids are lucky to get a card with $20 in it.
On Thanksgiving my MIL mentioned we'd be lucky if we got XMAS....I don't care but I sure as HE** am ticked if my kids get nothing. It is not a money issue at all....she just throws herself pity parties all the time. I invite them down for ALL HOLIDAYS and birthdays....we live 1.5 hours away. I have said we can bring food and come up there if easier. They will come down and she will sit in chair and just mutter how bad she feels, what a bad day she is having, etc. etc. She is a hypochondriac ....

After all these years I am used to it....but still hurts for the kids......

 

[AndreaDM]

2. If I make something and bring it to a dinner or something, she makes it the next time and will ask everyone if hers was better than mine.

Ha, this is mine too! They were visiting from NY a few weeks ago and we had one night where I made a bunch of appetizers and we played some board games. DH was chowing down and saying he could eat that stuff every day, etc. and I later made a bet that his mom will try to make the exact same stuff when we go visit them between Christmas and New Years. She just can't stand it if he likes someone else's cooking, she still insists he doesn't like lasagna, um no, he just never like yours.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Ha, this is mine too! They were visiting from NY a few weeks ago and we had one night where I made a bunch of appetizers and we played some board games. DH was chowing down and saying he could eat that stuff every day, etc. and I later made a bet that his mom will try to make the exact same stuff when we go visit them between Christmas and New Years. She just can't stand it if he likes someone else's cooking, she still insists he doesn't like lasagna, um no, he just never like yours.

Mine will do that. She asks for recipes so she can "make improvements to make it better for me". Yeah ok - whatever.

She also likes to pretend that she knows my kids better than I do. "Hey I just wanted to let you know that DD REALLY likes cream cheese so you can buy her some". Seriously? My daughter is 10. I know she likes cream cheese. She has liked it since I first gave it to her when she was a toddler. If I buy it she will eat the entire brick with crackers in one day. I also know that my 8yo despises parm cheese on anything. I feed him EVERY NIGHT - I know he hates it. Stop trying to pretend that you can educate me on my own children.

 

[bankgirl05]

So my horrible in law experience is not about the parent in laws, who were both wonderful people who have passed to early,
but about all 3 of my SIL's who are Dysfunctional with a capital D.:

Oldest SIL(45) is least Dysfunctional, but she just has a 21 year old Daughter who sucks the life out of her. SIL always makes excuses for her saying she has "no social filter" etc. UMMMM, no she just needs a good swift kick in the tail and sent on her merry way to learn how to deal with people, get and keep a job and start paying her own way> STOP buying her smokes and food, put a lock on the fridge, and stop complaining about her obesity and the fact that she is eating you out of house and home, DO something about it. Help her HELP herself. Oldest SIL had a credit card in FIL's name with a $$2500.00 balance that he would pay for her.

Middle SIL(38) blames EVERYONE else for EVERYTHING!!! Her oldest is currently AWOL from the Army, took and wrecked her vehicle, left it smashed against a telephone pole and walked away. Because it got impounded, and was actually totaled, she had no car to drive.And it is the gov't fault. FIL passed away, so we gave her his truck, (the only asset worth anything, he died with a huge amount of CCdebt, and an upside down mortgage. My DH, the Administrator of the estate, had to wrangle with all the CC companies to get them to accept, whatever he could give out of what was remaining in FIL's bank accts.) She never took the title to DMV to put in her name, or got ins. because "Daddy always paid for everything) She gets pulled over for speeding, gets that car impounded and now it is my DH's fault, for not completeing the paperwork for her, (We handed over the title to her 6 months ago) now, she got fired for calling out too many times, (also our fault since she no longer has a vehicle) middle SIL on top of always having car Ins paid for by Daddy, also had CC for $2500.00

the one that burns me the most is youngest SIL (35) whom I used to be very close to. This SIL approaches us in April of 2010, and asks if she can have her wedding in our back yard. (this is 4 months after MIL died) so of course we say yes. I am the family "hostess" so naturally I sit down to start planning with her, and she just hands everything over to me. She was sad because her Mom was gone, I was more than happy to try to make her day as special as it could be. DH also wanted to make it special, this is his baby sister, the sibling he is (was) also closest too. We order tents and tables and chairs, linens, dance floor, DJ etc. I did the floral arrangements, bouquets, boutineers, invitations (printed, mailed, stamped etc.) Catered everything myself, except for the cake (which the grooms mother paid for) alcohol, ice etc. all in all, about $5000.00. Not a huge deal, but it was a nice day for her/them.planned in 8 weeks. Then in August of the same year, she gets pneumonia and ends up in the hospital, almost dies, I of course take of 4 days work to go sit by her bed, and take care of her kids too. (who are 10 and 13, in my opinion should be capable of taking care of themselves with minimal supervision, like getting up and fixing themselves breakfast/lunch, keeping the house somewhat tidy etc.)

Fast forward to this year: I get hurt at work, end up in the hospital for 4 days, no call... stuck at home, (literally upstairs in bed) non-weightbearing until pending surgery for 2 weeks, no call... Surgery, hosp., and rehab for 11 days, no call... home recovering, again non-weight bearing for 10 more weeks...no call. Still recovering and not working and YES you guessed... it NO CALL!!!

BUT>>> and this is the kicker: she had the nerve to call DH and ask if I was cooking THANKSGIVING DINNER!!!!!

That is when I flipped, (not on her, but to my DH) and that is when he decided to book our WDW vacation over Thanksgiving week. (We just got back)

I am trying not to feel like because we did so much for her that I deserve anything in return, but I just feel like I was kicked in the face. Not to mention, I found out recently that she never sent out thank you notes for the wedding even though I had printed addressed and Stamped envelopes for her!!! I just thought I never got a thank you note because I didn't address an envelope to myself, but no, not one single person got one.

by the way, this SIL, also had a CC for $$3500. when Dad died.

None of the boys in my DH's husband are a mess!! DH and my 2 BIL's have excellent jobs,credit, sensibility. HMMMMM....

 

[Jennasis]

ACK!! For those of you keeping score, and with terrific memories, you will recall that my MIL believes her little dog (that she adopted from the human society as a big FU to me and DH) is the reincarnation of her 15 years deceased husband...

Today I found out she GAVE THE DOG BACK TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY. After 8 months of ownership and claiming she loved it more than anything, she gave "her husband" away...just like the last 2 dogs she had adopted over the past 3-4 years (no dog has ever lasted in her ownership more than a few months before being given away for various ridiculous reasons).

My guessing is now that she's bankrupt she is nose-diving into the depressive phase of her manic-depression.

 

[Eeyore98]

ACK!! For those of you keeping score, and with terrific memories, you will recall that my MIL believes her little dog (that she adopted from the human society as a big FU to me and DH) is the reincarnation of her 15 years deceased husband...

Today I found out she GAVE THE DOG BACK TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY.

So would that be like a divorce?

Poor dog. Maybe now he will be adopted by someone less nutty.

 

[Jennasis]

Knew this was coming...

MIL called me this morning (I did NOT answer). A short while later I called DH at the office to ask him something and mentioned the call from his mom....he knew about it as she called him immediately after trying to reach me (as I suspected she would).

She doesn't understand why I'm "so angry with her or what she could have done to make me hate her so much" (her words). So she wants to talk to me to figure it out.

I'm floored. For the past 8 months DH has been drilling into her head (or trying to), the reason why WE are no longer speaking to her. It's because she treats DH like garbage, and is mean as a snake. But apparently all his explanation to her has fallen on deaf ears and she seems to feel that I'M the one keeping him from her, and that I'M the one with a problem with her (and she's done her fair share of crap to me, so I do have a legitimate reaason to dislike her).

So now I have to have a confrontation with her about the reason I've been "shunning" her...because she's as dense and nutty as a fruitcake and just doesn't get it. I warned DH that I was not going to be the fall guy and that I was going to tell her that OUR reason for no longer associating with her was because of the way she treats DH.

So frustrated. I'm sure by the end of the day I will have a good follow up to share with you all. Pray for me.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

I guess I'm joining in late here. We rarely see my in-laws because we are military and move around. If we see them, it's because we went to them. They have visited once in 18 years (we lived in Alaska, and they wanted to go there).

I have received one birthday card in 18 years. Sometimes the kids get one. DH quit getting them a couple of years ago.

When I am at their house they ignore me and spend all of their time telling the kids not to touch anything. The enjoy talking about how wonderful their daughter's children are (who never visit them even though they live within an hour's drive).

They treated dh like he was an incompetent moron throughout his childhood. They told him that he was only born because they were "still trying for a girl". They tell jokes about how they were to busy to comfort him when he cried when he was little so he would sit and bump his head on the wall. They think that is hilarious. Now that dh is the most successful of the siblings, they act like none of this ever happened.

I guess I am just blessed that we don't live nearby. Some folks are just easier to put up with at a distance!

 

[HM]

Good luck Jennasis. Pixies for you!

 

[Jennasis]

LOL...she called right after I posted.

Yeah, she totally doesn't get anything. Willfully obtuse. At least she didn't cry or yell at me but she is in complete inner denial about the whole thing, as if the horrible things she has said never happened.

So frustrating.

 

[tlbwriter]

So now I have to have a confrontation with her about the reason I've been "shunning" her...because she's as dense and nutty as a fruitcake and just doesn't get it.

No, you don't. I know it's too late, but you never HAVE to have a confrontation, or a conversation, or anything, with her. You can just ignore her.

 

[hereyago]

No, you don't. I know it's too late, but you never HAVE to have a confrontation, or a conversation, or anything, with her. You can just ignore her.

ITA! The MIL is getting attention whether she acts negative or positive-mostly negative though. Why give in to her? she isn't stupid, she may act it but more like manipulating under the guise of stupid.

 

[HM]

Jennasis-
Have you guys thought of composing a letter to her to tell her that you do not wish to have contact with her anymore and that you'd like for her to abide by your request to stop calling (or whatever else she does) and explaining for her why? Maybe seeing it in writing might make a difference?

 

[tlbwriter]

There's this thing Gavin De Becker says in The Gift of Fear about stalkers and I think it applies here. He says if a stalker calls you 20 times, and you answer on the 20th call and say "I don't want to talk to you," you didn't tell him you don't want to talk to him. You told him it takes 20 attempts to get to talk to you. Jennasis, you are doing the same thing to your MIL. You didn't tell your MIL that you don't want to talk to her. You told her exactly what she has to do in order to get to talk to you (i.e., keep calling, pretend she doesn't know why she's cut off).