My husband has cyclothymia, what now?

[kyra's mommy]

Hi Guys,

I've been married for 17 years. My husband is super funny, cute, a great provider and a good person and father. He's also very moody, depressed and can be really cold and withdrawn. I've always felt responsible in some way for the mood changes, wondering what I had done or not done. We've been in couple counseling for over a year and we have the typical he said/ she said sessions. However, I've been trying to communicate with the counselor for a long time that something else is going on. That there isn't always a catalyst to a period of not getting along. It's just like a switch is flipped and my husband becomes very irritable with me.

Well long story short... the last session with the therapist only I could go.That worked out perfectly because I finally asked him point blank if there was something else going on and he confirmed that yes he believes my husband has cyclothymia. He hasn't however told my husband in fear that he will shut down.

This news has left me relieved and sad. I'm relieved that I can finally understand what this is but sad that my husband has this mental illness. Any other wives or husbands out there that have been in my place? Is it possible to have a happy marriage under these circumstances?

Thanks so much

 

[Robindianne]

No answers, just

 

[minkydog]

My first thought from your description was "this sounds like bipolar disorder." Is he taking any medications for this? Knowing what I do about mental illness I would strongly advise that he be evaluated by a psychiatrist before taking any antidepressant.

My heart goes out to you both. It's not easy to live with mental illness. Ihave suffered with depression off and on for 41 yrs. I never really took it seriously and I wasn't compliant with treatment or meds. At times it was very bad and my DH didn't know what to do, so he did nothing, for fear.that I would get even more upset.

Three years ago it got so bad i had a breakdown at work, in front of a lot of people. I had strong urges to hurt myself so I ended up hospitalized. Turns out I had bipolar disorder, not just a little depression. All the irritability and anger I had was caused by mania. It took several weeks to get my meds right and nearly a year to feel like myself again.

I don't ever want to go through that again! My DH has been wonderful and I know it hasn't been easy for him. But I have learned that if we want to live a normal life, I have to take my meds and see my psychiatrist regularly. Finding out that I have a mental illness was very upsetting. Realizing how much heartache I have dealt my family was crushing. Now I do it for them.

 

[Maria1985]

The harmonizing atmosphere of a family is valuable.

 

[minkydog]

Any other wives or husbands out there that have been in my place? Is it possible to have a happy marriage under these circumstances?

Thanks so much

Forgot to answer your question... Yes, it is possible to have a happy marriage when there is mental illness in the family. But the only way to make it work is if the one who is mentally ill takes an active part in his/her recovery. When that person decides to ignore the diagnosis and allows his/her mood swings to rule the day, it is not going to end well. Depression, regardless of its source, affects the entire family.

The role of the other spouse is to remain supportive, verbally and physically, while they are undergoing this upheaval. It is not to be a doormat. You can set boundaries with your mate--in fact, you probably need to set boundaries. DH had to draw a line in the sand with me--take care of your mental health or risk ruining the marriage and losing your kids.

Many people who live with mental illness do not seek to treat it until there is some kind of crisis (job loss, suicide attempt, affairs, substance abuse,etc.) I know that was true for me. It wasn't until my back was really at the wall that I was forced to recognize how my illness was affecting the whole family.

The way mental illness works is it makes your mind believe things that aren't true, so it's hard to discern sometimes when someone is trying to help you or hurt you. I had to learn to trust that my DH would not let me down, would not leave me, that he had my best interest at heart; when he says I'm scaring him or he's worried about me, that I should pay attention even if I think he's wrong. It's been a big leap of faith for both of us, and happily, we have grown as a couple through it.

Been married 32 years and counting...Good luck~

 

[DebbieB]

In case anyone is wondering what it is:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cyclothymia/DS00729

 

[donac]

Forgot to answer your question... Yes, it is possible to have a happy marriage when there is mental illness in the family. But the only way to make it work is if the one who is mentally ill takes an active part in his/her recovery. When that person decides to ignore the diagnosis and allows his/her mood swings to rule the day, it is not going to end well. Depression, regardless of its source, affects the entire family.

The role of the other spouse is to remain supportive, verbally and physically, while they are undergoing this upheaval. It is not to be a doormat. You can set boundaries with your mate--in fact, you probably need to set boundaries. DH had to draw a line in the sand with me--take care of your mental health or risk ruining the marriage and losing your kids.

Many people who live with mental illness do not seek to treat it until there is some kind of crisis (job loss, suicide attempt, affairs, substance abuse,etc.) I know that was true for me. It wasn't until my back was really at the wall that I was forced to recognize how my illness was affecting the whole family.

The way mental illness works is it makes your mind believe things that aren't true, so it's hard to discern sometimes when someone is trying to help you or hurt you. I had to learn to trust that my DH would not let me down, would not leave me, that he had my best interest at heart; when he says I'm scaring him or he's worried about me, that I should pay attention even if I think he's wrong. It's been a big leap of faith for both of us, and happily, we have grown as a couple through it.

Been married 32 years and counting...Good luck~

I have to agree with this. My dh's sister has been struggling with bipolar for the last 30 years. She decided that she didn't need any help or medication. She has not been seen by a proper doctor to help her in the last 5 years. In Sept she was hospitalized and she is still there. We have no idea when she will get out. She was let out for a couple of days in Oct and in that 2 days she trashed her house.

Good luck.

 

[aprilgail2]

Hi Guys,

I've been married for 17 years. My husband is super funny, cute, a great provider and a good person and father. He's also very moody, depressed and can be really cold and withdrawn. I've always felt responsible in some way for the mood changes, wondering what I had done or not done. We've been in couple counseling for over a year and we have the typical he said/ she said sessions. However, I've been trying to communicate with the counselor for a long time that something else is going on. That there isn't always a catalyst to a period of not getting along. It's just like a switch is flipped and my husband becomes very irritable with me.

Well long story short... the last session with the therapist only I could go.That worked out perfectly because I finally asked him point blank if there was something else going on and he confirmed that yes he believes my husband has cyclothymia. He hasn't however told my husband in fear that he will shut down.

This news has left me relieved and sad. I'm relieved that I can finally understand what this is but sad that my husband has this mental illness. Any other wives or husbands out there that have been in my place? Is it possible to have a happy marriage under these circumstances?

Thanks so much

I just want to add to keep an eye on your kids because they can inherit bipolar disorder from the parent.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi Guys,

I've been married for 17 years. My husband is super funny, cute, a great provider and a good person and father. He's also very moody, depressed and can be really cold and withdrawn. I've always felt responsible in some way for the mood changes, wondering what I had done or not done. We've been in couple counseling for over a year and we have the typical he said/ she said sessions. However, I've been trying to communicate with the counselor for a long time that something else is going on. That there isn't always a catalyst to a period of not getting along. It's just like a switch is flipped and my husband becomes very irritable with me.

Well long story short... the last session with the therapist only I could go.That worked out perfectly because I finally asked him point blank if there was something else going on and he confirmed that yes he believes my husband has cyclothymia.He hasn't however told my husband in fear that he will shut down.

This news has left me relieved and sad. I'm relieved that I can finally understand what this is but sad that my husband has this mental illness. Any other wives or husbands out there that have been in my place? Is it possible to have a happy marriage under these circumstances?

Thanks so much

Now that you understand that your dh has a mental illness what are your next steps?

It is a little disturbing to me that your therapist has not been forthcoming with information with your dh. It is very hard to "get well" without medications with a mood disorder. Did the therapist recommend that your dh see a psychiatrist or did he and the meds are not working well?

What about his job? Is his employment secure? I find that to be one of the hardest things to deal with. Fear of job loss due to mental illness.

Bottom line, your dh has to be the one to work on "his issues". You can support, encourage, help but he has to be the one to do the "work" to get better. And yes, that does not mean being a doormat.

You say your dh is a good provider. Do both of you handle the money or just him or you? If it is just him, I would make changes there. You have to become "aware" of what is going on with finanaces if you don't know.

If both of you are working together with finances then you don't have to battle that issue.

Many hugs.

 

[kyra's mommy]

Now that you understand that your dh has a mental illness what are your next steps?

It is a little disturbing to me that your therapist has not been forthcoming with information with your dh. It is very hard to "get well" without medications with a mood disorder. Did the therapist recommend that your dh see a psychiatrist or did he and the meds are not working well?

What about his job? Is his employment secure? I find that to be one of the hardest things to deal with. Fear of job loss due to mental illness.

Bottom line, your dh has to be the one to work on "his issues". You can support, encourage, help but he has to be the one to do the "work" to get better. And yes, that does not mean being a doormat.

You say your dh is a good provider. Do both of you handle the money or just him or you? If it is just him, I would make changes there. You have to become "aware" of what is going on with finanaces if you don't know.

If both of you are working together with finances then you don't have to battle that issue.

Many hugs.

I'm really not sure what my next steps are. Today I addressed his insomnia with him. He is on his fifth night of only sleeping around 4 hours. I pushed a little harder that he consider a sleep study where I'm hoping he'll get some understanding in regards to it's relation to the cyclothymia.

I find it confusing that our psychologist hasn't told my husband. He did say that he felt it was very mild. Maybe he thinks he can work with him without telling him? I don't know, I can't understand it. From the past couple days of googling it looks like cyclothymia can get worse with medication. I guess it's not similar to bipolar in that way.

His job is very secure. He is a work horse, he is very intense when it comes to his performance. I would say it's almost addictive but not quite. Therefore, I think we'll be fine in that respect.

Yes, he handles the bills. He's also very addictive when it comes to money. He's a perfectionist. We are never doing well enough, we should be saving more, he doesn't make enough money, blah, blah, blah. None of it is accurate, it's all this perception of failure.

I love him though. I really dearly love him. I can't tell you how hard it is to have so little control of something this devastating. I want him to live fully and I know he can't help this. It's so sad.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to write me. I really appreciate your help.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm really not sure what my next steps are. Today I addressed his insomnia with him. He is on his fifth night of only sleeping around 4 hours. I pushed a little harder that he consider a sleep study where I'm hoping he'll get some understanding in regards to it's relation to the cyclothymia.

I find it confusing that our psychologist hasn't told my husband. He did say that he felt it was very mild. Maybe he thinks he can work with him without telling him? I don't know, I can't understand it. From the past couple days of googling it looks like cyclothymia can get worse with medication. I guess it's not similar to bipolar in that way.

His job is very secure. He is a work horse, he is very intense when it comes to his performance. I would say it's almost addictive but not quite. Therefore, I think we'll be fine in that respect.

Yes, he handles the bills. He's also very addictive when it comes to money. He's a perfectionist. We are never doing well enough, we should be saving more, he doesn't make enough money, blah, blah, blah. None of it is accurate, it's all this perception of failure.

I love him though. I really dearly love him. I can't tell you how hard it is to have so little control of something this devastating. I want him to live fully and I know he can't help this. It's so sad.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to write me. I really appreciate your help.

When I read your OP my first thought was why is the therapist discussing your dh's diagnosis with you but has yet to tell your dh. Has your dh actually been tested (is there such a thing) or is it just a feeling the therapist has?
Honestly if I were in your position, I'd be looking for another therapist for my dh, I don't think anyone can be helped if the one helping them isn't willing to even talk about what it is they are suffering from

Good luck OP

 

[shortbun]

Kinda wondering about your therapist myself. What has he told your husband about YOU? I guess there are reasons for a therapist sharing with you what he suspects is going on with your husband. What I don't understand is why it was up to you to share this information with your husband. You guys are in therapy because there's some trouble between you. Seems like your husband would be able to hear it more clearly from your therapist. The therapist should suggest the sleep study too as it's probably a symptom or result of the mild disorder. I would think your next step would be to get a referral to a prescibing doctor for sleep aids and bi-polar meds. Maybe not, I'm not a doctor but it seems logical.

 

[ariel71]

I would encourage your husband to see a psychiatrist with deep expertise in mood disorders. It actually sounds like it could be Bipolar II. Bipolar II doesn't have the pure mania that's associated with Bipolar I; it's a hypomania that can manifest as severe irritability and agitation. BPII has much longer stretches of depression than BPI, which is why it's often misdiagnosed as one of the depression subtypes. The importance of getting a nuanced diagnosis is that BPII, like BPI, is often more effectively treated with mood-stabilizers, anti-convulsants, or anti-psychotics vs antidepressants. Mood disorders have a well-documented impact on sleep, so medication may help with that as well, although it takes a lot of fine tuning.

 

[TaylorEar]

Um... maybe I am in the minority, but I personally find it very troubling that the therapist would keep your DH's diagnosis from him, and then share it with you. What is that accomplishing other than creating an immediate "us vs. him" dichotomy? I would also question any diagnosis that comes from a psychologist, as they don't always hold an actual medical degree.

The FIRST person who should be involved in your DH's condition... is your DH! I think that your DH should look into seeing his own personal therapist/psychiatrist, as his issues are likely separate from any couple-issues.

In terms of the marriage - yes, of course you can have a happy marriage! Mental illness is extremely common, and unique to the individual. It's no different than having a spouse who has any other sort of illness. There will be ups and downs, and if you both are committed to the relationship, you will brave them together.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Is a therapist even allowed to discuss a spouse's potential diagnosis without the spouse's consent?

 

[minkydog]

Zombie thread

 

[sk!mom]

Um... maybe I am in the minority, but I personally find it very troubling that the therapist would keep your DH's diagnosis from him, and then share it with you. What is that accomplishing other than creating an immediate "us vs. him" dichotomy? I would also question any diagnosis that comes from a psychologist, as they don't always hold an actual medical degree.

The FIRST person who should be involved in your DH's condition... is your DH! I think that your DH should look into seeing his own personal therapist/psychiatrist, as his issues are likely separate from any couple-issues.

In terms of the marriage - yes, of course you can have a happy marriage! Mental illness is extremely common, and unique to the individual. It's no different than having a spouse who has any other sort of illness. There will be ups and downs, and if you both are committed to the relationship, you will brave them together.

Agree completely. Unless the DH has signed consent for his medical information to be shared then it's illegal to discuss it with anyone else.

OP, your DH needs to see a really good psychiatrist.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[Arden01]

.

 

[leebee]

OK, maybe it's a zombie thread, but I sure hope kyra's mommy and her husband could work things out and get him the help he needed.