My DH! >:o(

[Zandy595]

I don't think so. You can't blame society.
Society constantly tells me that because I am in a same-sex relationship, I'm not worthy of being married, and not capable of caring for a child. But guess what! With or without that piece of paper, my relationship is still going strong after almost 14 years, and we are moms to the most wonderful kid in the world! We're a happy family full of love even though society tells us we're not capable of doing so.
I'm sorry, but no matter what society tells you, every single person has a responsibility to live up to who they're supposed to be. That sounds like a cop-out to me.

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. And I know you only came here to vent. I don't really have any advice, but hang in there, and stay strong for your son!! Good luck, and I hope you get good news soon!!

I agree, society has nothing to do with it.

And thank you for the well wishes for my son.

 

[mickeyboat]

Sandy -

It's time to break the cycle. Make sure you are teaching your son not to behave this way with his own wife!

I am in no way making excuses for your DH but I want to relate our experience when DD was a baby. Since I was nursing her and home on maternity leave, I took care of DD most of the time. Although DH was perfectly capable of caring for her, I always insisted my way to do things was the right way, and that I was the best person to be doing them.

I think I gave DH the impression that I thought he couldn't take care of DD. He started backing off, and I let him. This continued on through her first year until our little surprise DD came along.

I was overwhelmed with two babies under 1 and I needed help. DH came to my rescue and I came to realize that DH was a wonderful father to our children, and that it was important that he knew I had faith in him. He in turn became more confident in his ability to care for them and has stepped up to the plate in every way imaginable since then.

If your DH has been feeling this way for years, he won't change overnight. You need to tell him that you and your son need him. You need to be specific on what you want him to do.

Or he could just be a complete jerk!

Hope your son is doing well today and that you hear good news soon.

 

[Liberty Belle]

DH knew DS needed the biopsy weeks ago and knew he was going to be on vacation the day of the appointment. This is a man whose mother takes a day off of work to go to doctor's appointment with him and he's 40.

Is this typical of how your husband behaves? If so, I'd definitely sit him down and have a talk, but I'm not sure how much good it would do. Maybe it would mean more to him if your son talked to him about it?

 

[Liberty Belle]

Believe me, I tell him what I expect from him all the time and he considers it me just being a nag. This was one time I didn't want to fight because DS was already nervous about the appointment and didn't need the extra stress. DH asked me what time DS's appt was the day before, so I thought he was planning to go.

The thing I was most upset about was DH not asking DS how he was when we got home and the fact that he wouldn't help him pick up the laptop. I was cooking dinner so I asked DH if he would help DS because the doctor said he wasn't supposed to be using his hand. DH replies, "I don't have to help him, he can do it himself." DS told me not to worry about it, that he would get it himself. I left the kitchen, walked past DH and handed DS the laptop. Should have kicked DH in the shin when I walked by.

Whoa. I think marriage counseling is in order.

 

[Agri]

We're still together because I've been a SAHM for 15 years and no one will hire me. And the small business DH owned went under and he had to file for bankruptcy. We can't afford to get divorced.

That just makes things worse. You've had to file for bankruptcy, but he still spends the day playing his darn xbox? Have you had to go without so he still has his xbox and games?

Have you tried looking at online options? There are two really good forums for working from home - one even geared towards SAHMs.

Honestly, how you should have handled the situation with the laptop was to lecture him. Its bad enough that he didn't go to the test, he also didn't believe a darn word of what you said to him about what took place. If it was a new thing I'd say he was depressed, but if its not, he's a narcissistic momma's boy. You're doing your son a grave disservice in showing him that you'll always make up for the shortcomings of his father. (My mom was the same way with my dad - always making up for him - and it really did screw me up with a lot of my relationships.)

While you might not want to upset your son, how do you think he feels about you just glossing over his father's behavior? Was he upset that his dad didn't believe what the doctor said? I found it more upsetting when my mom tried to keep the peace and didn't stick up for me and just explained it away as "that's just the way he is." Your son might be completely different, but that's just how I always felt, fwiw.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry about your son and I hope everything turns out okay.

As for your DH....you are a much nicer person than I am. If someone -especially their own father- treated them like that I would have shoved that XBOX somewhere that would have required surgery to remove. I don't buy the whole BS "He wasn't taught to be different" etc. He is 40. Grow up buttercup. Having a ***** doesn't make you automatically exempt from being a decent human and parent. I hate when people make excuses because he is a man etc. You have been a SAHM for 15 years. Work on the job thing and make a better life for yourself. You are not in a good environment for your child. Your Dh sounds like nothing but dead weight keeping you down. I am sorry for being so harsh but I think his behavior is disgusting. I hope things get better for you.

 

[RitaZ.]

No offense, but given his history, you can't really expect him to show up and be supportive if this is his general behavior pattern. I think you should sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel. There's something wrong when you have to go to the internet for support when your child is facing a cancer scare.

How is your son dealing with his dad's attitude?

I hope things turn out okay for you and your son.

I agree with this.

You mentioned that his mother takes a day off work when your DH has a doctor's appointment. That's really odd for a grown man that is 40 yrs. old. Maybe it's a cultural thing?

You said that this is typical behavior for him. The time to be subtle is over. Be completely honest and tell him what you expect from him. Coming to an appointment with you and his son isn't an option. It may be unpleasant and uncomfortable, but that's what responsible and mature adults do. That's life.

I hope the results of the biopsy are negative. Let us know when you get the results.

 

[CJBaby]

We're still together because I've been a SAHM for 15 years and no one will hire me. And the small business DH owned went under and he had to file for bankruptcy. We can't afford to get divorced.

I'm so sorry. And I'm praying for you and your son.

 

[WDSearcher]

We're still together because I've been a SAHM for 15 years and no one will hire me. And the small business DH owned went under and he had to file for bankruptcy. We can't afford to get divorced.

Sorry, but if you can afford a Disney cruise in 211 days, you can afford a divorce.

 

[Zandy595]

That just makes things worse. You've had to file for bankruptcy, but he still spends the day playing his darn xbox? Have you had to go without so he still has his xbox and games?

Have you tried looking at online options? There are two really good forums for working from home - one even geared towards SAHMs.

Honestly, how you should have handled the situation with the laptop was to lecture him. Its bad enough that he didn't go to the test, he also didn't believe a darn word of what you said to him about what took place. If it was a new thing I'd say he was depressed, but if its not, he's a narcissistic momma's boy. You're doing your son a grave disservice in showing him that you'll always make up for the shortcomings of his father. (My mom was the same way with my dad - always making up for him - and it really did screw me up with a lot of my relationships.)

While you might not want to upset your son, how do you think he feels about you just glossing over his father's behavior? Was he upset that his dad didn't believe what the doctor said? I found it more upsetting when my mom tried to keep the peace and didn't stick up for me and just explained it away as "that's just the way he is." Your son might be completely different, but that's just how I always felt, fwiw.

Just to be clear, DH isn't unemployed. He has a full time job. The business was a lawn care company he had on the side with his brother.

I agree with this.

You mentioned that his mother takes a day off work when your DH has a doctor's appointment. That's really odd for a grown man that is 40 yrs. old. Maybe it's a cultural thing?

You said that this is typical behavior for him. The time to be subtle is over. Be completely honest and tell him what you expect from him. Coming to an appointment with you and his son isn't an option. It may be unpleasant and uncomfortable, but that's what responsible and mature adults do. That's life.

I hope the results of the biopsy are negative. Let us know when you get the results.

His mom taking off work to go to the doctor's appointment was a one time thing, as far as I know. It's not a cultural thing and I told DH I thought it was really odd for her to do that.

 

[Zandy595]

Sorry, but if you can afford a Disney cruise in 211 days, you can afford a divorce.

Just because we can afford to spend $1000 on a cruise doesn't mean we can afford two seperate residences right now. The only time we get along and have fun as a family is when we're on vacation. Don't judge unless you've been in my shoes.

 

[punkin]

I am sorry about your son and I hope everything turns out okay.

As for your DH....you are a much nicer person than I am. If someone -especially their own father- treated them like that I would have shoved that XBOX somewhere that would have required surgery to remove. I don't buy the whole BS "He wasn't taught to be different" etc. He is 40. Grow up buttercup. Having a ***** doesn't make you automatically exempt from being a decent human and parent. I hate when people make excuses because he is a man etc. You have been a SAHM for 15 years. Work on the job thing and make a better life for yourself. You are not in a good environment for your child. Your Dh sounds like nothing but dead weight keeping you down. I am sorry for being so harsh but I think his behavior is disgusting. I hope things get better for you.

Seriously, OP. I hope everything works out for your son. I also understand what it's like to have been a SAHM for a significant amount of time and have trouble finding work. I'm sorry your DH is dumping on you at this difficult time instead of supporting you and DS as he should.

 

[ols386]

Sorry, but if you can afford a Disney cruise in 211 days, you can afford a divorce.

No, that's not a realistic comparison at all.

 

[CJBaby]

Sorry, but if you can afford a Disney cruise in 211 days, you can afford a divorce.

I will never understand why people feel the need to kick other people when they are down. And especially with a statement that doesn't make any sense.

 

[Agri]

Just because we can afford to spend $1000 on a cruise doesn't mean we can afford two seperate residences right now. The only time we get along and have fun as a family is when we're on vacation. Don't judge unless you've been in my shoes.

That's how it was when I was a kid, so I get that. Its really sad when you only really feel like a family 1-2 weeks out of a year.

 

[WDSearcher]

Sorry. But the OP is going on about her crappy husband and how he's a mama's boy. She won't tell him to go to his son's doctor's appointment because it'll turn into a fight. They've filed for bankruptcy, and she can't afford to get divorced because no one will hire her.

I'm just saying that maybe save the $1000 being spent on the cruise and put it towards job training or a few classes to up the skillset or even into a fund that will eventually allow OP to have a separate apartment. Or ... therapy. For the entire family. I mean, it's great that everyone gets along on vacation, but then you come back. And DH is likely to be the same guy he was before they left.

If "we can't afford a divorce" was a joke, I missed that and I apologize. OP could have been just frustrated and laughing as she said it. But if it was something the OP was seriously saying (as in, "if we could afford one, we'd get one, but we can't"), then it would seem that maybe the money could be better spent on solutions instead of band-aids. YMMV

 

[Goofyswife]

If he was my husband, the next time he got sick, I'd tell him to get whatever he needs himself. There would be no sympathy for him.

 

[MoniqueU]

My DH pulls the same kind of crap. I just made up my mind yesterday I am not going to sit back and accept it without saying something. Yesterday any time I asked him a question about things that were of importance to our daily existence he would cop an attitude. I finally just confronted him on it. I don't care if it leads to a fight I am not sitting back and just accepting that as something I should just put up with.

My DH also doesn't like or acknowledge medical things. He goes in sick and thinks anyone that lets anything slow them down is weak.

He had my son lifting 50lb bags of dog food and taking the trash out even though my son said his hip still hurt from a wrestling injury that required an ambulence ride. It turned out my son wasn't just whining for no reason the hip was fractured.

My son got his wisdom teeth out on a monday and my DH pressured DS to go to football practice. I put my foot down and insisted he not go. The pressure must of gotten to my son as he was out on the field in tha game on friday night. Luckily nothing bad came of it.

I recently broke my fibula just above the ankle. My DH told me it was nothing more then a sprain and wanted me to go to my DD's water polo games. My mom ended up taking me to the ER and he was shocked to hear it was broken. He hasn't gone to one of my dr or er things and igmores me when I say I think I have nerve damage because the top of the foot is numb.

Nothing gets through to my DH and I am done putting up with it.

In your case it is your son and it is a serious thing. I would start world war 3 at your house just because of him being such pig. Really in this case it is time to step to the plate and be there physically and emotionally.

 

[Mkrop]

If he wants to act like a child, I would have treated him like one and taken his Xbox away. It is one thing if he need to work, even work from home, or had to wait for a delivery etc. But to sit home and play video games is unacceptable. Even if medical stuff grosses him out he could have driven and waited in the waiting room. And to not help DS pick up the laptop is mean.

I agree with WDSearcher, I think she should take that $1000 cruise and the time spent, on some marriage therapy.

 

[shortbun]

OP, I see you wanting things to change. I don't know where you are but if I were your friend, I'd be helping you find a job. Your son is mostly raised and your husband obviously doesn't care what you do. Start building some job skills somehow. You could work as a receptionisht, train as an intern somewhere, perhaps work in fast food just to get some job experience. You could clean houses/one house. It doesn't need to be a lot of work, just something you can use to show you are willing to work outside your home. You need to put some money away for yourself too. Every woman should have their own money. It's the 21st century. Throw change in a jar, lay away a dollar a day. Just do something positive to empower yourself and enable yourself to provide for yourself someday. Even the negative comments here are meant to be supportive; these people want to shock you into some action. I believe your husband could do some changing. If he feels you detaching, doing your own thing and not being affected by his childish behavior, perhaps he will come around or meet you in the middle. Stranger things have happened but do not expect it...start taking care of yourself so you can stand alone someday. You will be glad you did.