My DH! >:o(

[disneyfans95]

Sorry but why bash men? Tons of women sit on their butts all day and don't do a thing.


it is not gender specific, OP..

The man bashing gets old, in a hurry.

 

[Praying Colonel]

yes, this is a gender issue all the way....

+1

 

[HM]

Sorry you and your son seem to be facing this alone. I take it that you are the one to accompany your child to doctors and dentist appointments, right? Has your DH ever gone to any appointments? Maybe he didn't think it was necessary for both parents to be there. But......not acknowledging your son and his needs once he was back, is really poor parenting. I agree that it may mean that you have to tell your DH to show some compassion and help your son while he can't hold things. Good luck on the biopsy results! pixies for your son!!

 

[pilesoflaundry]

It could be his way of coping, pretending it's not happening and sticking his head in the sand.

No offense, but given his history, you can't really expect him to show up and be supportive if this is his general behavior pattern. I think you should sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel. There's something wrong when you have to go to the internet for support when your child is facing a cancer scare.

How is your son dealing with his dad's attitude?

I hope things turn out okay for you and your son.

I agree.

This is an issue with one man, your dh, not all men. If you know he's a jerk and unsympathetic you have to either come to terms with that and don't set yourself up to be hurt by it anymore or move on.

 

[SAHDad]

Sorry but why bash men? Tons of women sit on their butts all day and don't do a thing.


it is not gender specific, OP..

The man bashing gets old, in a hurry.

It's like "Welcome to the Disboards - come for the info on your latest Disney trip, stay for the daily man-bashing threads."

(FWIW - it's not as bad as some of the "parenting" forums, where you can read a post like "Men are so terrible when it comes to kids, they're utterly incompetent, and why doesn't he take care of them from time to time?")

 

[tlbwriter]

I know you said some men, but I don't think it's a man issue, just an inconsiderate issue.

I agree. I wouldn't have called this "Men!", I would have called it "My husband!"

Anyway, you know he lacks empathy, and that he's a mama's boy who only responds to orders, not expectations. So, in the future, if you want him to go, tell him you want him to go (though I have a feeling I'd prefer he stay at home). Treat him like his mommy does - that seems to be the only thing that works.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I didn't ask him to come. I told him the day, the time and what was going to happen at the appointment and left it up to him to decide if he wanted to go. This is normal behavior for him. He wants sympathy from everyone when he has any medical issues, but doesn't care when anyone else needs support, except his mother because she demands it.

I'm assuming he chose to bail because he's scared out of his pants right now.

Whenever something is up with me, DH won't sleep for days. My dad OTOH, completely shuts down. Will just sit in his chair and read until someone calls him with results. It's not that he doesn't care, he's just nervous and doesn't want to come across worried as he's supposed to be the rock, the foundation... that can't faulter.

Some people have really crappy ways at dealing with stuff.

Just talk to him about it.

 

[Agri]

Yes, this is a gender issue all the way....

You know, though, the sad thing is that a lot of women (and men) write off their SO's bad behavior as stereotypical of their gender because they simply don't have the experience to know that not all men/women behave that way.

After seeing my mom go through an abusive relationship with my dad and her epiphany that he really *was* being abusive all those years, I can totally understand how someone could think that their crappy husband is just 'being a man' as opposed to the truth - that he is just a crappy husband.

 

[Zandy595]

I agree. I wouldn't have called this "Men!", I would have called it "My husband!"

Anyway, you know he lacks empathy, and that he's a mama's boy who only responds to orders, not expectations. So, in the future, if you want him to go, tell him you want him to go (though I have a feeling I'd prefer he stay at home). Treat him like his mommy does - that seems to be the only thing that works.

Telling him he had to go would have turned into a fight, been there, done that. I didn't want to do that in front of DS and make him feel worse than he already did. His mother is the only one who can order him to do something and he does it. We've always had this issue. She is the most important person in his life and she does her best to keep it that way. I don't think he realizes that when we got married that was supposed to change.

You know, though, the sad thing is that a lot of women (and men) write off their SO's bad behavior as stereotypical of their gender because they simply don't have the experience to know that not all men/women behave that way.

After seeing my mom go through an abusive relationship with my dad and her epiphany that he really *was* being abusive all those years, I can totally understand how someone could think that their crappy husband is just 'being a man' as opposed to the truth - that he is just a crappy husband.

True. I guess I've been around enough of the same kind to think they're all alike. Sorry, that's what I know. I'm sure all men are not the same, but I've never really had any in my life I could count on.

 

[WDSearcher]

I didn't ask him to come. I told him the day, the time and what was going to happen at the appointment and left it up to him to decide if he wanted to go. This is normal behavior for him. He wants sympathy from everyone when he has any medical issues, but doesn't care when anyone else needs support, except his mother because she demands it.

Maybe you should have simply told him to come along. "This is normal behavior for him" because everyone lets him get away with it. I think I would have told him, "DS's appointment is in 20 min -- let's go!" and not budged until he was in the car too.

Your mistake was clearly letting him decide for himself. If you want him there, tell him. Don't expect him to suddenly become Father of the Year.

 

[Agri]

Telling him he had to go would have turned into a fight, been there, done that. I didn't want to do that in front of DS and make him feel worse than he already did. His mother is the only one who can order him to do something and he does it. We've always had this issue. She is the most important person in his life and she does her best to keep it that way. I don't think he realizes that when we got married that was supposed to change.

If his mother was the most important person in his life when you chose to marry him, why would you expect that to change? You can't just expect someone to know what marriage entails and you definitely can't expect someone to just change completely at the drop of a hat (or when they say "I do"). And, yeah, he's not going to change because you let him think its okay to stay home and play xbox while his son is getting a biopsy because *he* thinks that is okay behavior.

You need to either accept the fact that he will always be a mama's boy, put time and effort into fixing things (counseling might help), or move on if he doesn't want to change. You're doing your son and yourself a disservice in putting up with this behavior.

 

[Zandy595]

If his mother was the most important person in his life when you chose to marry him, why would you expect that to change? You can't just expect someone to know what marriage entails and you definitely can't expect someone to just change completely at the drop of a hat (or when they say "I do"). And, yeah, he's not going to change because you let him think its okay to stay home and play xbox while his son is getting a biopsy because *he* thinks that is okay behavior.

You need to either accept the fact that he will always be a mama's boy, put time and effort into fixing things (counseling might help), or move on if he doesn't want to change. You're doing your son and yourself a disservice in putting up with this behavior.

Believe me, I tell him what I expect from him all the time and he considers it me just being a nag. This was one time I didn't want to fight because DS was already nervous about the appointment and didn't need the extra stress. DH asked me what time DS's appt was the day before, so I thought he was planning to go.

The thing I was most upset about was DH not asking DS how he was when we got home and the fact that he wouldn't help him pick up the laptop. I was cooking dinner so I asked DH if he would help DS because the doctor said he wasn't supposed to be using his hand. DH replies, "I don't have to help him, he can do it himself." DS told me not to worry about it, that he would get it himself. I left the kitchen, walked past DH and handed DS the laptop. Should have kicked DH in the shin when I walked by.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

My dad is the same way when it comes to life threatening issues. When I almost died (ruptured appendix) and had to spend a week in the hospital he didn't visit me at all, where as my mom was there almost the entire time.

My dad just can't handle situations like that but I know he still loves me.

 

[shortbun]

DH knew DS needed the biopsy weeks ago and knew he was going to be on vacation the day of the appointment. This is a man whose mother takes a day off of work to go to doctor's appointment with him and he's 40.

Well, now I'm sure you don't want to hear what I have to say about your husband. Take care of your son. I hope your son doesn't favor his father when it comes time for someone to take care of you. Good luck.

 

[shortbun]

My dad is the same way when it comes to life threatening issues. When I almost died (ruptured appendix) and had to spend a week in the hospital he didn't visit me at all, where as my mom was there almost the entire time.

My dad just can't handle situations like that but I know he still loves me.

Really? You are giving this guy excuses? I gotta leave this thread now.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Really? You are giving this guy excuses? I gotta leave this thread now.

Which guy, my dad or the OP's DH?

I have only read the first post so I can't say anything about what else he may of done. I just know when it comes to life threaten situations some people shut down emotionally and can't show what they are feeling.

 

[DizBelle]

I didn't ask him to come. I told him the day, the time and what was going to happen at the appointment and left it up to him to decide if he wanted to go. This is normal behavior for him. He wants sympathy from everyone when he has any medical issues, but doesn't care when anyone else needs support, except his mother because she demands it.

Am I the only one wondering why the OP married this guy?

 

[ols386]

Am I the only one wondering why the OP married this guy?

Or why they are still together.

 

[ChrizJen]

When our society tells men that children can be raised just fine by one parent households and men are not needed what do you expect? If you were constantly told by society that your contributions were not important or special would you bother to live up tp your potential?

I don't think so. You can't blame society.
Society constantly tells me that because I am in a same-sex relationship, I'm not worthy of being married, and not capable of caring for a child. But guess what! With or without that piece of paper, my relationship is still going strong after almost 14 years, and we are moms to the most wonderful kid in the world! We're a happy family full of love even though society tells us we're not capable of doing so.
I'm sorry, but no matter what society tells you, every single person has a responsibility to live up to who they're supposed to be. That sounds like a cop-out to me.

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. And I know you only came here to vent. I don't really have any advice, but hang in there, and stay strong for your son!! Good luck, and I hope you get good news soon!!

 

[Zandy595]

Or why they are still together.

We're still together because I've been a SAHM for 15 years and no one will hire me. And the small business DH owned went under and he had to file for bankruptcy. We can't afford to get divorced.