My dad died and nobody told me...

[Dancemom03]

My dad died on July 2 after being in the hospital for heart failure for a week. I wasn't told until July 8th after he'd been cremated and everything was done.

After telling us he'd met someone and asking what we thought, he remarried in 1980 with the entire family in attendance and happy. Little did we know...
My stepmother had feuds with, and didn't speak to any of her siblings or relatives, even her only daughter spent most of her adult life cut off - SM only spoke to her mother and very rarely. At his wedding reception there were horrible comments made about my uncle. The next day my dad stopped speaking to my aunt, his sister, with whom he'd had a super close relationship since childhood. After a year, he stopped speaking to me, then his dad, and finally his mom. He didn't attend his parents' funerals.

My dad was my hero all thru my early life. When we stopped talking, it hurt every day and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss him. I made repeated attempts over the next twenty years to reconcile but he refused to speak to me. Finally, several years ago, I got up my courage, picked up the phone and called my dad. After getting thru the iron bars of my stepmother's screening process, he came to the phone and I told him how much I missed him, how sorry I was for anything I might have done, then confided that I worried I might die and he'd be left feeling guilty and awful - like I knew I would if something were to happen to him - and I needed to make things right no matter what it took. We had a nice conversation and things improved. While my stepmother informed me that he "wasn't up to visitors", DD20 later visited him several times and got to know the grandfather she'd only heard about when my brother took her - the only family member dad still spoke to - and I called dad's occassionally to check in and let them know I was available any time he was.

To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. Worse yet, I feel really betrayed b/c my brother was involved in everything and never breathed a word. I could never have kept something so monumentally important from someone I cared about knowing how deeply it'd hurt them. I feel as though he made a choice between my wicked stepmother & me and choose her. I was only told once she had the ashes and gave the okay. In my mind, once dad was gone, DB's loyalty should have shifted to family. In a very deliberate move, there was no chance to say goodbye while he was in the hospital, no chance at the funeral home, and no grave now to visit or pray at - not even a printed death notice, obituary, or service. They took him directly from the hospital to the crematorium without a look back or any public recognition at all.
I've had nearly two weeks to process it and know it was a petty, vindictive "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" kind of move, likely outdated, voiced many years ago, intended solely to hurt my aunt & I... and it did... every time I think I can put it behind me and move past this, I'm reminded and the hurt grows deeper.

Now my mother (who remarried a great guy that became my kids' doting grandfather since my dad was missing in action) is insisting that I not hold any hurt or resentment towards my brother as "he was just following your dad's last wishes". I'm supposed to go to my brohter's birthday dinner this weekend as though absolutely nothing happened b/c, "after all, he's never married or had kids so I'm all he has left..."

My brother feels wholly justified of course and hasn't even apologized for the hurt he participated in causing. The thing is, last wish or not, (and it couldn't have been a last wish if, as he says, my dad really expected to go home from the hospital the next day) I never would have been able to knowingly hurt someone I cared about. There's no way that he couldn't have known how devastated I'd be. In fact, I'd just sent a father's day card with him for my dad b/c he was spending the day with him just before he went to the hospital and kept asking that entire week he was alive in the hospital without me knowing if he'd liked it, said anything about me, ect. My brother initially avoided answering my question, but I'm nothing if not persistant, so he lied & said dad liked the card. That would have been the perfect opportunity to tell me. He could have said "look I'm not supposed to say anything but..." I wouldn't have interefered. I might have called the house though, hoping my stepmother would tell me. I'd certainly never do anything to hurt either of them or risk his health. BUT I'd have had some warning, some time to prepare myself, maybe even - in the best of all worlds - that last chance to see & hug him that I'd dreamed of for so many years. Instead I have nothing but hurt - and a mother who sees my hurt as wrong and lectures me on it daily while staunchly defending my brother.

I'm not sure I can sit thru a birthday dinner and be pleasant... geez, who am I kidding... I'm not sure I can look at him and not burst into hysterical tears. That wouldn't be a celebration. It wouldn't be happy and it sure wouldn't be comfortable. At this point, it's not my dad's death that hurts the most, it's the fact that my only brother could so callously ignore my feelings as to say "well what did you expect?" What indeed? Certainly loyalty was way too big a stretch...

Okay, vent over, most everybody has some sort of dysfunction in their family, heading for the kleenex box again...

 

[tazdev3225]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[DWGal210]

I am so sorry...I have no advice, just lots of (((hugs)))

 

[Tinijocaro]

Your brother was wrong. I would not be able to go to the birthday either. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[MosMom]

You don't have to go to the dinner. Just tell your mom you are hurt and you aren't ready yet. You are still grieving and you have every right to make the best decision for YOU. If you go and you end up upset and crying, they will just blame you for ruining the dinner. I'm sorry you lost your dad. Take your time and maybe see a grief counselor who can help you with his loss (in life and death).

 

[Heidict]

Oh my goodness. I don't blame you for being hurt. I would be furious and devastated if my sibling did this to me. Why in the world would he not tell you that your father died? That seems so incredibly mean, malicious and vindictive.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go to his birthday party, I would not either. I don't think I would be able to hold me tongue. I can understand your step-father telling you that you need to forgive him, but I would think it would not only take more then a couple of weeks to do so but also I would want to speak to my sibling to find out why he did what he did.

I think the real sad part though is the fact that your brother doesn't see any wrong in what he did. What is wrong with him? I would seriously question if I would even want a relationship with him after this. He has shown that his relationship with you doesn't mean very much.

 

[momof1princess]

i'm so sorry for your loss i also agree with mosmom-the hurt and grief is too new, and going to your brother's would likely cause more harm than good at this point.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Hugs for your loss and for the betrayal. It's a double whammy. I agree with the PP. If you arne't up to it, don't go. You need time to greive and heal. Your brother was wrong, and you are entitled to your feelings. Tell you mom you need time.

Good luck.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I'm so sorry...

I had something similar happen to me. I found out via internet that my father had died, 6 months earlier. The background...my parents divorced when I was 2. I had no siblings. I am in CT, my father and his family were in Indiana. He never moved out of his parents' house. When I was 14, during my annual summer visit, my grandmother said, "I got your mother out of my son's life, and I'm going to get rid of you, too." A few months later, he drove out to CT with one of her bizarre accusations, which he chose to believe. We never spoke again.

Fast-forward 17 years...the day before my 31st birthday, I was checking out the Social Security Death Index on the internet. I had discovered it some years earlier while working on my family tree. In 2002, I found my father's mother's name on it. On this particular day, I was looking for my father's father (they have the same name, except for middle name, and our last name was extremely unique). I cannot express just how stunned I was when my father's name and birthdate came up, showing that he'd died on January 1st. I thought for sure that it was a mistake. My mother called her brother, who at the time owned a business in the town where my father lived. He in turn looked up my father's brother and called him. My uncle eventually called me. He said that around Christmas, my father had had a massive stroke on both sides of the brain and literally dropped dead, at age 54. He (my uncle) also said that my father never spoke about me, so he didn't know how to even begin to look for me.

The next year, I went out to Chicago to visit my family (mother's side), and one of my uncles took me to the cemetery. It all seemed very surreal. Still does, in a way...

 

[focusondisney]

You don't have to go to the dinner. Just tell your mom you are hurt and you aren't ready yet. You are still grieving and you have every right to make the best decision for YOU. If you go and you end up upset and crying, they will just blame you for ruining the dinner. I'm sorry you lost your dad. Take your time and maybe see a grief counselor who can help you with his loss (in life and death).

Great post, says everthing I was going to write. I hope in time you will be able to forgive your brother tho. It would be heartbreaking if you were to lose your brother &/ or your mom from your life because of this.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you take some consolation in knowing you did everything you could over the years to apoligize & make up with your dad. It doesn't seem there was any thing else you could have done. The rest was up to him. Unfortunately some people will never take that step. I'm so sorry your dad didn't. But maybe some day, your heart will accept that it was him that was wrong, not you. Hugs & take care

 

[Pakey]

I'm sorry Dancemom.

 

[ugadog99]

I'm so sorry. I don't think you should go to your brother's either. It's just too soon and there is way too much hurt right now. Take the time you need to deal with all of this, and then if you want or need to see your brother then do so on your terms.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through

 

[Luvchefmic]

I am so very sorry for your loss of your Dad....this is all too recent to have to be dealing with your brother or anyone else at this time.too raw ..if you have a church go talk to your pastor, priest, rabbi if not find a grief support group perhaps through a local hospital or community center. You can't deal with your emotions on your own. I am so so sorry

 

[Gwendolyn]

I have no advice. Just hugs for you. I'm sorry for you loss.

 

[Anjelica]

I am very sorry. I can't imagine my brother or sister keeping something like that from me regardless of anyone's wishes.

Coming from a person who's mother pretty much exited my life at the traumtic age of 14 and cut off by her (mother's) side of the family (ones we spent every summer with for 6 or so weeks) I can totally understand your hurt and anguish over the years. But regardless of what they (father/stepmother) ever thought you did they are the PARENTS and you are the CHILD. Unless you did something horrific, which I can't imagine, there is no excuse for a parent to cut you off like that.

Again - I am very sorry that you had to experience this.

 

[Magpie]

A similar thing happened to my family, back in the 80s...

Except a cousin called my mother and told her that my grandmother had died, so my mother was able to send flowers.

Her sister called her in a right rage, demanding to know "how you found out!!?"

My mother wouldn't tell her. Apparently, she was only supposed to learn of her mom's death via a poison pen letter her mother had written before her death, and her sisters had mailed.

As far as I'm concerned, we don't need to have anything to do with that branch of the family. But my mother is getting sentimental these days, and often talks wistfully about her sisters, wondering where they are and remembering back when they were close. She even put out some Facebook feelers, trying to reconnect through our cousins.

I don't know... I know she wants to let bygones be bygones, but I think it's a waste of time. But then again, they're not MY sisters.

If I were in your shoes, I'd skip the birthday dinner and explain why. But, I guess my mother's advice would be to not close the door completely on your relationship with your brother, because you may find yourself ready to forgive him someday.

Good luck!

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

First, I can't imagine losing my Dad, Much less not being able to say goodbye. I truly feel sorry for you and what you are going through with that. I also know I would be totally ticked at my sister if she kept something like that from me! I admit I am not sure I could forgive her. But while reading your post I did think about that it would be sad to have not only lost your father and any relationship you may have been trying to repair and to also lose your brother in the process. Please understand I am by no means saying you shouldn't be upset with him. I also think not going to the birthday party is the right decision. But please gaurd your heart against bitterness towards him. Let time pass. Talk with a counselor or clergy member. Then talk with your brother. I think it's your mom's job to explain to him now that you are very upset and you need some time. Perhaps send a card that says simply, "Happy Birthday and I do love you. Please understand I just can't be there right now. "
You will be in my thoughts!

 

[Anjelica]

Apparently, she was only supposed to learn of her mom's death via a poison pen letter her mother had written before her death, and her sisters had mailed.

WOW - just WOW. And the fact that the sister was "in on it" just baffles me.

My parents nasty divorce (two court battles, numerous legal actions in differing states, etc.) actually brought my sister/brother/myself closer. Even after my mother pretty much abadoned my sister and I she still took to my brother (so did her family). But even as recently when he was wounded in Iraq and they called him continously to check on him he kind of put a "stop" to it and let my ex-grandparents know it wasn't cool the stuff they had put my sister and I through the years (this was totally unprompted, etc.) and basically said he didn't want to hear from them unless they made an effort with my sister and I. I appreciate him doing that but am under no illusions they would ever change - its been 17 years.

 

[arminnie]

You don't have to go to the dinner. Just tell your mom you are hurt and you aren't ready yet. You are still grieving and you have every right to make the best decision for YOU. If you go and you end up upset and crying, they will just blame you for ruining the dinner. I'm sorry you lost your dad. Take your time and maybe see a grief counselor who can help you with his loss (in life and death).

Oh my goodness. I don't blame you for being hurt. I would be furious and devastated if my sibling did this to me. Why in the world would he not tell you that your father died? That seems so incredibly mean, malicious and vindictive.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go to his birthday party, I would not either. I don't think I would be able to hold me tongue. I can understand your step-father telling you that you need to forgive him, but I would think it would not only take more then a couple of weeks to do so but also I would want to speak to my sibling to find out why he did what he did.

I think the real sad part though is the fact that your brother doesn't see any wrong in what he did. What is wrong with him? I would seriously question if I would even want a relationship with him after this. He has shown that his relationship with you doesn't mean very much.

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So very sorry for your tragic loss. Sounds like maybe your brother doesn't deserve to have anyone.