My dad died and nobody told me...

[southernbohemian]

Perhaps send a card that says simply, "Happy Birthday and I do love you. Please understand I just can't be there right now. "

I would do this for your brother's dinner. As much as I think your brother's actions were harsh and you have every right to be mad at him, you need to embrace the fact that anger is one of the stages of grief. Your relationship will only be further scarred if you have to go to a celebration and pretend to be happy - it will probably end up in tears and further resentment on both sides. I think a lot of the anger caused by your father's unexpected death is being focused on your brother because his actions created an outlet - but it is not right to have him bear this burden. He thought he was following his father's wishes - if he did not know them but SM told him those were his wishes, he is not choosing her over you by following them.

I think you should have a small family memorial with your kids and other family who wish to commemorate your father's life. It does not have to be a huge deal - even people just sharing stories about your father over a nice dinner, or something. It will help you deal with the abruptness of losing your father so unexpectedly and give you a chance to say goodbye to him. I wouldn't feel the need to invite your brother since he does not seem to need this kind of closure himself.

 

[bumbershoot]

Y'know what? Something's come up and you can't make it. Send a card.

It doesn't matter that he did 'what Dad [supposedly] wanted', he should at least be able to say he's sorry to have hurt you.
Your mother should have stayed out of it. Sheesh, she's just making everything worse

I agree with all of that.

My mother has always favored DB. He's the baby and "had allergies and a heart murmor as a child plus you were daddy's girl and the apple of your grandparents' eye so he needed to be first with me to make up for it" she reluctantly admitted


I'm currently battling my inner rebel to resist calling in a death notice to our local paper and scheduling my own memorial mass despite their "wishes"...

Lovely of her to show your brother all that attention because you had attention elsewhere, but not revise that when the attention-giver took away his attention! (as DS would say to me...."you're being sarcastic, you're not meaning what you're saying, right?")

You have a right to your own relationship with your dad, even now that he's gone. And if you feel called to do that, if you think he wouldn't have minded AND you can deal with the fallout, I think you have a right to do it.

My FIL wasn't the greatest of men, but after he died, my sis in law and my MIL put him up on a pedestal that he really should have been shot off of if he were still alive. They are all Buddhist, and at his memorial (which was over a month after he died), my husband and his brother were in the back contemplating whether or not the cockroach FIL had reincarnated into had already been squashed, or if he/the cockroach were still living. Meanwhile, SIL and MIL were nearly prostrating themselves in grief at the front of the room. MIL has held a yearly "celebrating of his life", and last year DH and BIL told MIL that was the last one they are going to. She's grieving in a completely different way, and is requiring everyone else to grieve just like her, and they can't take part in it anymore.

MIL and sis in law have the right to remember FIL in their way, and DH and BIL have the right to do the same. And so you do with your dad.

He also said again that the years' old request was enforced by DM and that my father didn't expect to die just then.

There was no doubt in his mind, or anyone else's that this was exactly what I said it was - a vindictive kind of "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" statement to his sister, daughter, and mother before she died -

One clarification....when you're typing DM, you mean your dad's wife? Stepmom, if she had a relationship to you? Because when you're typing DM I think it means your mom, but what you're writing doesn't really make sense for your mom.


Anyway, so your dad *used to* have a feeling of vindictiveness, wanting to keep you from knowledge and going to his funeral, but that had changed? And stepmom decided to go forward with it?

Because "they'll be sorry when I'm gone" doesn't make a whole lot of sense in either case...HE is the one who had caused the split for his own reasons, so really, YOU would be the one entitled to "they'll be sorry when I'm gone", ya know?

And if he did want to keep you from that, but it had changed, and now it's the stepmom who was keeping you from it...that's vindictiveness coming from HER, not your dad, right?


I do think your brother should apologize for hurting you.

But I also feel for him. I've been the go-between for YEARS now, with my dad and brother. Brother doesn't speak to dad and doesn't want info transmitted to him. Dad always wants me to pass things along, but brother doesn't want to hear it. For years I twisted myself into knots trying to make them both happy, but a few years back I'd had enough. If I have something to share about my brother (like trips I've taken there and good times we've had, NOT random stuff) I'll share it. If I want to talk about my dad or our half sibs to my brother, I talk about it. I almost never pass along messages, but I tell my dad that I won't be sharing it.

I sometimes worry that my dad will die and I won't know simply because his family is full of flakes... That scenario is far more likely than my brother dying, but if that did happen, if my brother were to die, he probably wouldn't want our dad to be at any services... I would probably have to make sure he stayed away to honor my brother, but I'd definitely apologize to my dad b/c I would know it would hurt him (even though HE caused the enormous rift between the two of them, and my brother is simply following through on NOT CARING about the man because of how he's been treated), and if my dad needed to do something I would support that.

I can't imagine taking such a hard line as your brother is taking with you.

 

[madscrapper]

I never understand when people say "Well, it wasn't my XXX fault we didn't see/speak to each other, it was the wife-husband, step-mother, SIL"...fill in the blank.

No, it was the person you love who chose to not speak to you (metaphorically speaking - not directed specifically at OP).

It's human nature to want to shift the blame away from the person we care about and onto the person we don't care about.

IMO, your father treated both you and your brother terribly. You, for excluding you, and your brother for making him hold a terrible secret. Really, I wouldn't have wanted to be your brother.

I didn't have a relationship with my father for most of my life - by his choice. I later found out he had other children and gave most of his money away to a woman 50 years younger than him. So I get it. But in your grief, please don't fail to place the blame for all this mess directly onto the shoulders of the person who created it - your father.

I am very sorry for your loss and pain.

Jeannine

 

[C.Ann]

This is definitely not the time to go to a birthday "celebration" for your brother.. You need time to grieve - to process - to think through what the future holds for you and your family..

You must stand your ground with your mother - regardless of what she says.. Simply state that this is something you aren't able to participate in and you need time alone.. That is the only explanation you need to offer.. If she persists in calling to lecture you - or try to guilt you into going - unplug your phone or let the answering machine pick up her calls..

I'm so very sorry for your loss..

 

[Dancemom03]

One clarification....when you're typing DM, you mean your dad's wife? Stepmom, if she had a relationship to you? Because when you're typing DM I think it means your mom, but what you're writing doesn't really make sense for your mom.


Anyway, so your dad *used to* have a feeling of vindictiveness, wanting to keep you from knowledge and going to his funeral, but that had changed? And stepmom decided to go forward with it?

Because "they'll be sorry when I'm gone" doesn't make a whole lot of sense in either case...HE is the one who had caused the split for his own reasons, so really, YOU would be the one entitled to "they'll be sorry when I'm gone", ya know?

And if he did want to keep you from that, but it had changed, and now it's the stepmom who was keeping you from it...that's vindictiveness coming from HER, not your dad, right?

Sorry, you're right, I wasn't thinking. It's my stepmother who refused to let DB tell me. That's my problem. I feel like after my father died and was delivered to the crematorium, I should have been told. If not, at least once the ashes were delivered to SM. Yet, DB waited several days longer until SM gave the okay that I be told. I just can't understand what made that day, right before I left for a long awaited and carefully planned vacation that was ruined, the magic moment and DB has absolutely no insight except to say he was doing what he was told. He hasn't said dad told him to do it recently but has instead said my father told him he loved and missed me when he got the father's day card. That's why it's all so unbelievable.

I knew of the proclamation years ago but nobody really took it seriously, especially once we started speaking again, or so I thought. My father spent his life as though he were a victim and unappreciated. SM helped reinforce that concept to put distance between him and his family - even his parents. He could be very petty and vindictive when drinking and too stubborn to ever admit he was wrong, though he would occassionally apologize when I was younger and he needed to mend fences. My stepdad has been relatively quiet in all of this but did admit out loud to my mom that he suspected dad could have planned this to cause hurt and drive a wedge between my brother and me. I know it sounds silly but it's a pretty widely accepted theory among those who knew them back in those days before he stopped drinking.

 

[Jennasis]

I am SO SO sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you...and a big HUG.


That said...how much longer do you want to perpetuate this ongoing thing in your fmaily of cutting people off/out? Your father did it to you, whether by his choice or his wife (the wicked step-mother). Do you really want to carry on in that "grand" tradition with your brother? Be the change you want to see in the world.

Go to your brother's birthday. Throw your arms around him and tell him you know he was just following orders, but it just hurt that after all this time dad still wouldn't "let you in" (cause really that's what this is about, isn't it?), and then cry on his shoulder...HARD. Bet you'll get that apology you want AND he'll mean it AND he'll get to see the pain first hand.

Don't perpetuate the anger.

HUGS to you. I know it isn't easy.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

DanceMom, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you've dealt with losing your dad multiple times. Here's my feelings: do not go to your brother's party; you need time to deal with the sense of betrayal you feel and no good can come of you being with DM and DB as things stand now. If they can't understand, that's their problem. No one seemed concerned with you, so why should you put them and their feelings before you? If you feel the need, go ahead and have your own memorial service for your dad. You don't even have to invite your mom and brother. Do it for yourself. Not sure what your children know of their grandfather, so maybe it's best, depending on age, to leave them out of it. It's okay for you to have time to yourself to deal with the loss. As for your stepmom -- what comes around goes around. Karma has a way of catching up with miseable people. Sounds like now that your dad is gone, she'll die a lonely, miserable old woman. Sorry if that sounds cold to some, but she will lie in the bed she has made. Finally, after you've gotten over the loss of your dad, I think you will see that there is blame enough to be laid at his feet. He was the parent, he should have made more of an effort.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I am so sorry for you loss!!!

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Do people here expect their own wishes to be honored, regardless of whether someone else sees them differently?

This (my answer) is OT maybe, but maybe not. My MIL died a week ago today. She and I had always talked about how neither one of us wanted a "viewing". I swore to her that I would make sure that that did not happen. Well, of course, FIL felt the opposite as did the rest of the family (i'm assuming because I only mentioned it to DH after she died). I only mentioned it to DH once and he said "we are doing what daddy wants" and I was not about to argue. I made her a promise, but in the end, for the best interests of everyone still here, I did not tell anyone but DH and I only mentioned it. I didn't insist on it or get combative. I felt badly attending her viewing and seeing her lying there. But funerals are for the living. My dad told me that, and it's true. So even though I didn't even attempt to honor her wishes, I recognized that it was more important to support FIL, DH and the rest of the family. So, sometimes, unfortunately, last wishes can't always be honored.

As for the OP, I am so sorry. I feel horrible that he didn't seem to have much interest in being your father or a grandfather to your DD. I have a mother (biological only, I don't think of her as my mother because she left when I was a little girl) and I have never understood why parents don't want a relationship with their children. I could not sleep at night if I didn't know where my girls were and that they were safe and if they live to be 100 and I live to be 120, I'll still feel that way. I don't understand how people can disconnect like that.

Send a card to your brother with a note saying sorry but you have a scheduling conflict or prior engagement. But try not to make it sound anything but sincere. YOU do not need to get involved emotionally anymore with him and so you shouldn't write anything that might start a fight. Now believe me, I would be tempted to confront him too. But you don't need this. You are already hurting. Just leave him alone. He can say nothing that will ease your pain. I'm so sorry

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I should never post until I read everything. Sorry. My advice conflicts with others. I don't want you more confused than you already are. Just take care and look out for yourself. I'm so sorry.

 

[a1tinkfans]

My dad died on July 2 after being in the hospital for heart failure for a week. I wasn't told until July 8th after he'd been cremated and everything was done.

After telling us he'd met someone and asking what we thought, he remarried in 1980 with the entire family in attendance and happy. Little did we know...
My stepmother had feuds with, and didn't speak to any of her siblings or relatives, even her only daughter spent most of her adult life cut off - SM only spoke to her mother and very rarely. At his wedding reception there were horrible comments made about my uncle. The next day my dad stopped speaking to my aunt, his sister, with whom he'd had a super close relationship since childhood. After a year, he stopped speaking to me, then his dad, and finally his mom. He didn't attend his parents' funerals.

My dad was my hero all thru my early life. When we stopped talking, it hurt every day and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss him. I made repeated attempts over the next twenty years to reconcile but he refused to speak to me. Finally, several years ago, I got up my courage, picked up the phone and called my dad. After getting thru the iron bars of my stepmother's screening process, he came to the phone and I told him how much I missed him, how sorry I was for anything I might have done, then confided that I worried I might die and he'd be left feeling guilty and awful - like I knew I would if something were to happen to him - and I needed to make things right no matter what it took. We had a nice conversation and things improved. While my stepmother informed me that he "wasn't up to visitors", DD20 later visited him several times and got to know the grandfather she'd only heard about when my brother took her - the only family member dad still spoke to - and I called dad's occassionally to check in and let them know I was available any time he was.

To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. Worse yet, I feel really betrayed b/c my brother was involved in everything and never breathed a word. I could never have kept something so monumentally important from someone I cared about knowing how deeply it'd hurt them. I feel as though he made a choice between my wicked stepmother & me and choose her. I was only told once she had the ashes and gave the okay. In my mind, once dad was gone, DB's loyalty should have shifted to family. In a very deliberate move, there was no chance to say goodbye while he was in the hospital, no chance at the funeral home, and no grave now to visit or pray at - not even a printed death notice, obituary, or service. They took him directly from the hospital to the crematorium without a look back or any public recognition at all.
I've had nearly two weeks to process it and know it was a petty, vindictive "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" kind of move, likely outdated, voiced many years ago, intended solely to hurt my aunt & I... and it did... every time I think I can put it behind me and move past this, I'm reminded and the hurt grows deeper.

Now my mother (who remarried a great guy that became my kids' doting grandfather since my dad was missing in action) is insisting that I not hold any hurt or resentment towards my brother as "he was just following your dad's last wishes". I'm supposed to go to my brohter's birthday dinner this weekend as though absolutely nothing happened b/c, "after all, he's never married or had kids so I'm all he has left..."

My brother feels wholly justified of course and hasn't even apologized for the hurt he participated in causing. The thing is, last wish or not, (and it couldn't have been a last wish if, as he says, my dad really expected to go home from the hospital the next day) I never would have been able to knowingly hurt someone I cared about. There's no way that he couldn't have known how devastated I'd be. In fact, I'd just sent a father's day card with him for my dad b/c he was spending the day with him just before he went to the hospital and kept asking that entire week he was alive in the hospital without me knowing if he'd liked it, said anything about me, ect. My brother initially avoided answering my question, but I'm nothing if not persistant, so he lied & said dad liked the card. That would have been the perfect opportunity to tell me. He could have said "look I'm not supposed to say anything but..." I wouldn't have interefered. I might have called the house though, hoping my stepmother would tell me. I'd certainly never do anything to hurt either of them or risk his health. BUT I'd have had some warning, some time to prepare myself, maybe even - in the best of all worlds - that last chance to see & hug him that I'd dreamed of for so many years. Instead I have nothing but hurt - and a mother who sees my hurt as wrong and lectures me on it daily while staunchly defending my brother.

I'm not sure I can sit thru a birthday dinner and be pleasant... geez, who am I kidding... I'm not sure I can look at him and not burst into hysterical tears. That wouldn't be a celebration. It wouldn't be happy and it sure wouldn't be comfortable. At this point, it's not my dad's death that hurts the most, it's the fact that my only brother could so callously ignore my feelings as to say "well what did you expect?" What indeed? Certainly loyalty was way too big a stretch...

Okay, vent over, most everybody has some sort of dysfunction in their family, heading for the kleenex box again...

I am so sorry for your loss and for all the additional angst you have
Please reach out to someone to help you thru this, YOUR family does not deserve to lose you to this anger/sadness. Your worth it! Work thru this, you can!!!!

 

[quentina]

Your brother was wrong. I would not be able to go to the birthday either. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ditto

 

[ksjayhawks]

I am sorry for your loss. Even though things weren't good between you and your dad, it sounds like you had a dream that they would improve. Unfortunately that did not happen. You "lost" your df many, many years ago when he married sm and let her influence the decisions in his life, which were ultimately his to make. I am sure it is painful that df chose sm over you and your dd and it sounds like you have never really come to terms with that.

I think your db was put in a very difficult position by df and sm and was caught in the middle. Not to say that what he did was right or wrong, but there is probably more to the story than what you know right now. So, now your anger has shifted from df to db.

I would not go to the birthday party as it sounds like it will be too hard for you to celebrate as you are harboring ill will against your brother right now. Decline the invitation and send a card instead. You need to grieve for your df, what the relationship was, and what it never became. Right now you feel cheated from being with your father during his last days, even though your father may not have wanted you there. It is natural to put the blame on db as he is the one that is still here.

I second a pp's suggestion of getting some grief counseling to help you work through the issues you had with df, anger at db and sm, and the dreams that never came true. You need to learn, with a professional's help, how to say your goodbyes to your df, acknowledge what has happened, and learn how to move on with your life without carrying anger and bitterness with you the rest of your life.

More hugs.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

OP, I am really sorry for your loss. It is a tragedy in many ways. It is unrealistic of your brother to expect you to not be upset/angry/traumatized and celebrate at a party right now, even if he was following "last wishes" (which we are not sure of anyway). Have you talked to your brother? Did he call and explain or comfort you at all? Was he the one who told you of the passing or did someone else? I agree with most posters that it is too soon for the party, but not to write your brother off. I would be honest, send a bday card etc. and just say "I'm sorry, I'm really grieving here and I just can't. I still love you and hope you have a happy birthday. Maybe we can meet up for lunch another day." That's what I would recommend.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I can only partially relate.

Relatives on my dad's side of the family will pass amd he won't tell me. I find out in the most awkward of ways and it has nothing to do with grief.

The latest...my grandma died. I found out when my grandfather called me several days later because she had left me something and he was making me aware that it was on its way.

The conversation began: "I'm sure your dad already told you that my wife passed away..."

I was seething with anger over the lack of my dad's courtesy. I shall add that it is my step grandmother. But she was the only grandma I knew until I finally met dad's birthmom when I was 15 (my first memory anyway). Sadly I predicted this many years before when he failed to notify me when his own grandmother passed away as well as his brother. Again--it isn't grief. He called me 1 week after her death and not a shred of grief in his voice. I had to hear it from the widow who was as shocked as I was that he didn't call.

Some people are just jerks and uncaring of their actions on other people. I have no idea if it was a last request of your own father...but it is just downright cold to do that.

I took the high road and haven't said a word to my dad about it. But I do hold him in serious contempt over it.

I'd say that those advising to not take it out on your brother are probably right. But it can be very difficult. I try not to stoop to my dad's level and my dh offers that my dad is just aloof and clueless. He certainly doesn't do these things with intent to hurt, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I hope that deep down--this wasn't done intentionally to cause you more
pain.

 

[cm8]

My dad died on July 2 after being in the hospital for heart failure for a week. I wasn't told until July 8th after he'd been cremated and everything was done.

After telling us he'd met someone and asking what we thought, he remarried in 1980 with the entire family in attendance and happy. Little did we know...
My stepmother had feuds with, and didn't speak to any of her siblings or relatives, even her only daughter spent most of her adult life cut off - SM only spoke to her mother and very rarely. At his wedding reception there were horrible comments made about my uncle. The next day my dad stopped speaking to my aunt, his sister, with whom he'd had a super close relationship since childhood. After a year, he stopped speaking to me, then his dad, and finally his mom. He didn't attend his parents' funerals.

My dad was my hero all thru my early life. When we stopped talking, it hurt every day and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss him. I made repeated attempts over the next twenty years to reconcile but he refused to speak to me. Finally, several years ago, I got up my courage, picked up the phone and called my dad. After getting thru the iron bars of my stepmother's screening process, he came to the phone and I told him how much I missed him, how sorry I was for anything I might have done, then confided that I worried I might die and he'd be left feeling guilty and awful - like I knew I would if something were to happen to him - and I needed to make things right no matter what it took. We had a nice conversation and things improved. While my stepmother informed me that he "wasn't up to visitors", DD20 later visited him several times and got to know the grandfather she'd only heard about when my brother took her - the only family member dad still spoke to - and I called dad's occassionally to check in and let them know I was available any time he was.

To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. Worse yet, I feel really betrayed b/c my brother was involved in everything and never breathed a word. I could never have kept something so monumentally important from someone I cared about knowing how deeply it'd hurt them. I feel as though he made a choice between my wicked stepmother & me and choose her. I was only told once she had the ashes and gave the okay. In my mind, once dad was gone, DB's loyalty should have shifted to family. In a very deliberate move, there was no chance to say goodbye while he was in the hospital, no chance at the funeral home, and no grave now to visit or pray at - not even a printed death notice, obituary, or service. They took him directly from the hospital to the crematorium without a look back or any public recognition at all.
I've had nearly two weeks to process it and know it was a petty, vindictive "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" kind of move, likely outdated, voiced many years ago, intended solely to hurt my aunt & I... and it did... every time I think I can put it behind me and move past this, I'm reminded and the hurt grows deeper.

Now my mother (who remarried a great guy that became my kids' doting grandfather since my dad was missing in action) is insisting that I not hold any hurt or resentment towards my brother as "he was just following your dad's last wishes". I'm supposed to go to my brohter's birthday dinner this weekend as though absolutely nothing happened b/c, "after all, he's never married or had kids so I'm all he has left..."

My brother feels wholly justified of course and hasn't even apologized for the hurt he participated in causing. The thing is, last wish or not, (and it couldn't have been a last wish if, as he says, my dad really expected to go home from the hospital the next day) I never would have been able to knowingly hurt someone I cared about. There's no way that he couldn't have known how devastated I'd be. In fact, I'd just sent a father's day card with him for my dad b/c he was spending the day with him just before he went to the hospital and kept asking that entire week he was alive in the hospital without me knowing if he'd liked it, said anything about me, ect. My brother initially avoided answering my question, but I'm nothing if not persistant, so he lied & said dad liked the card. That would have been the perfect opportunity to tell me. He could have said "look I'm not supposed to say anything but..." I wouldn't have interefered. I might have called the house though, hoping my stepmother would tell me. I'd certainly never do anything to hurt either of them or risk his health. BUT I'd have had some warning, some time to prepare myself, maybe even - in the best of all worlds - that last chance to see & hug him that I'd dreamed of for so many years. Instead I have nothing but hurt - and a mother who sees my hurt as wrong and lectures me on it daily while staunchly defending my brother.

I'm not sure I can sit thru a birthday dinner and be pleasant... geez, who am I kidding... I'm not sure I can look at him and not burst into hysterical tears. That wouldn't be a celebration. It wouldn't be happy and it sure wouldn't be comfortable. At this point, it's not my dad's death that hurts the most, it's the fact that my only brother could so callously ignore my feelings as to say "well what did you expect?" What indeed? Certainly loyalty was way too big a stretch...

Okay, vent over, most everybody has some sort of dysfunction in their family, heading for the kleenex box again...

, Praying for you and so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

 

[eliza61]

I am SO SO sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you...and a big HUG.


That said...how much longer do you want to perpetuate this ongoing thing in your fmaily of cutting people off/out? Your father did it to you, whether by his choice or his wife (the wicked step-mother). Do you really want to carry on in that "grand" tradition with your brother? Be the change you want to see in the world.
Go to your brother's birthday. Throw your arms around him and tell him you know he was just following orders, but it just hurt that after all this time dad still wouldn't "let you in" (cause really that's what this is about, isn't it?), and then cry on his shoulder...HARD. Bet you'll get that apology you want AND he'll mean it AND he'll get to see the pain first hand.

Don't perpetuate the anger.

HUGS to you. I know it isn't easy.

Beautifully said Jennais,

Op much love to you. I lost my dad in May and while my family is not quite as disfunctional (oh, we have our moments belive me) I understand some of your pain.

first, your grief and your hurt are very new. Give yourself the permission and time you need to come to terms with what has happened.

Next, Jennasis is very right. You can only control your actions and your life. You must decide what type of relationship you want with your brother. I'm not sure I'd make the party but you can send a note and a small gift.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, I am really sorry for your loss. It is a tragedy in many ways. It is unrealistic of your brother to expect you to not be upset/angry/traumatized and celebrate at a party right now, even if he was following "last wishes" (which we are not sure of anyway). Have you talked to your brother? Did he call and explain or comfort you at all? Was he the one who told you of the passing or did someone else? I agree with most posters that it is too soon for the party, but not to write your brother off. I would be honest, send a bday card etc. and just say "I'm sorry, I'm really grieving here and I just can't. I still love you and hope you have a happy birthday. Maybe we can meet up for lunch another day." That's what I would recommend.

In other words be civil. Totally agree with this.

 

[chainkid]

Advice I have always followed it to remove toxic family members from my life. Life is too short to dwell on slights or people who don't add something to your life. Unfortunately you can't choose your family or their spouses but no one has to tolerate bad behavior or abuse. I have had family members try to make me take sides in their disputes and what has worked best for me is to say that I open my home to everyone so if you choose not to be part of family it is your loss. I only have one family member who I no longer keep in touch with or notify of family gatherings. You can't change the past but don't let a cancer grow within you over something you can't change. If my brother did this to me he would be history and my mother would be told to either respect my wishes for no contact with my brother or leave my family in peace. When you have a happy home you don't allow people to sow trouble.

 

[L&Lfan]

Great advice....