My dad died and nobody told me...

[agnes!]

OP -

Y'know what? Something's come up and you can't make it. Send a card.

The main issue I see in your situation is that you're feeling like no-one has your back, not your mom and certainly not your brother. If I were in your shoes I *know* I wouldn't go but I would try my darnedest to not immediately burn any bridges...don't know if I'd succeed though. Has your brother at least apologized for hurting your feelings and for lying to you? It doesn't matter that he did 'what Dad [supposedly] wanted', he should at least be able to say he's sorry to have hurt you.
Your mother should have stayed out of it. Sheesh, she's just making everything worse by taking your brother's side. Another thing, I think this needs to be considered...did your mom & stepfather know about your dad's condition before he died?


And I am so so *so* sorry for your losses.

agnes!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. I've been where you are and it's pretty awful. I wish I had some words of comfort but there really aren't any for this sort of thing. Just know you aren't alone

 

[HonnyDipp]

I have no advice for you. But I just want to send you my condolences. Stay strong.

 

[whatcateydid]

I'm so, so sorry. I don't think I'd be able to go so soon after he's done such a hurtful thing. I hope that you can forgive him, but you definitely need to allow yourself time to grieve and to be angry.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yikes, I can feel your raw emotion and you have my sympathies. A father-daughter relationship is very special and I'm sorry you've been deprived of yours for so many years. That, to me, is the real tragedy here.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that, IMO, your father made his wishes clear by his actions and otherwise over the past 30 years, so his "last" wishes at the end of his life were almost a moot point. For whatever reason, he didn't want to see of mend fences with you. It's really not about your SM or your brother, it's about your father. You really need to keep that in perspective or you'll launch yourself on a downward spiral that will ulitimately only hurt you in the end. To that end, I agree you should probably skip the bday party this year as it will end up in a mess of emotions and accusations. Give yourself some time to settle down.

You should also REALLY consider talking to someone professionally about your longstanding and acute grief as a benefit to yourself. I'll probably get flamed for this but I can say as a BTDT type of thing that someday, maybe not today or next week or next month, you can give yourself the gift of Forgiveness toward your father (and +/- anyone else) as it will help bring peace to YOUR life. Until then, these emotions are going to eat away at you.

I'm not saying it's easy, by any means. I've felt some of the frustrations you have. But at some point you have to let it go and get on with the rest of your life. It's tragic that this happened to you. Don't let it poison the rest of your life and other relationships.

I just want to add one thing from the perspective of a hospital nurse who sees these types of situations a lot when people are critically ill or dying. If the wishes of a patient are that they want no visitors, or no specific visitors, we honor that. If people bust in, security is called and they are escorted out. That's just the way it is. We are not privy to past events, nor do we really need to know. Our duty is to that patient at that moment in time. If your brother was in the hospital with your father, I'm sure he saw that. You said you wouldn't have done anything, but then you said you'd call SM. I suspect you also might have tried to go to the hospital as well (from the sound of your post) and that would not have been pretty. Maybe your brother was trying to spare you from that.

You also mentioned that your brother is unmarried with no children. Remember, you have your kids and presumably a partner and like most families with children, are probably pretty busy in your life. Who does/did your brother have? I think your mother is probably accurate, and naturally does not want to see her children arguing or estranged. From the sound of the relationships in your family, it seems to be your mother and your brother who've kept out of the fray as much as possible. Maybe their thinking isn't as off as you think it is.

I feel as though he made a choice between my wicked stepmother & me and choose her.

In my mind, once dad was gone, DB's loyalty should have shifted to family. In a very deliberate move

there was no chance to say goodbye while he was in the hospital, no chance at the funeral home, and no grave now to visit or pray at

I've had nearly two weeks to process it and know it was a petty, vindictive "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" kind of move, likely outdated, voiced many years ago, intended solely to hurt my aunt & I... and it did... every time I think I can put it behind me and move past this, I'm reminded and the hurt grows deeper.

My brother feels wholly justified of course and hasn't even apologized for the hurt he participated in causing.

Going out on a limb here, not meaning to offend you but maybe offer some insight from an outsider's perspective. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I do think your thinking is off. It's almost paranoid and you seem to be projecting onto them things that may or may not be accurate. We probably all do it to a degree, especially when we're angry, but it's not fair to your brother if in fact he has a whole different perspective than you do. When things settle down you should listen to what he has to say with both an open mind and an open heart.

 

[autumnpalm]

I also have no advice to offer but I just wanted to send my condolences. I am so sorry, what an absolutely difficult situation. Sending hugs and you will be in my thoughts.

 

[grumpeeduck]

I really feel bad for your situation. It is a situation of OTHERS' making, though, and not yours. You can not control what others do, BUT you CAN control what you do-and you CAN rid your own family of TOXIC people. It sounds like you have some very dangerous people there and I would not TRUST them around my children at all. It is BIZARRE that even though you are ridden with grief ,you are just supposed to now have a grand old time at a birthday and PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAPPENED. I'm afraid that THEY may be doing the controlling.
I also have a VERY hard time understanding how the mother is siding with her son when he is CLEARLY wrong! Also, did the mother not know of the father's death if she is so tight with her son??????????? If she did know, then she was involved in the secret as well. It is not anyone's fault but his own if he is alone and the mother should not be using that as yet ANOTHER GUILT for her daughter.

 

[sbell111]

Several years ago, my sister in law died. She made my brother promise to keep her illness from her family. He followed this request.

After she died and was cremated, he went to see her family and give them the news. While I am sure that they were hurt because they were unable to see her before she died, he did the right thing.

So did your brother. Resent him or forgive him, he followed his father's wishes.

 

[agnes!]

OP -

Even though your brother might not ever apologize for following your father's (alleged?known?) wishes, it would make the world a better place if he would at least apologize for hurting you.

agnes!

 

[minniecarousel]

wow.....wow....wow

No words can convey how sorry I feel for you. What your brother did is pretty unforgiveable, if he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

I think I'd react the way you have. I don't think I could partcipate in a celebration for him, feeling so betrayed. Not that you can't ever get past this (you must, for your own sanity) but you need some time.

Hang in there.

 

[shortbun]

First, I am so very sorry for your loss. You can have your own memorial service and do whatever you want to remember your dad.

Second, I don't harbor resentment normally but I gotta say that your brother must be dumb as mud to think it was ok for him to keep you in the dark about your father's death. I would not be able to be civil, in person. this soon after his grevious error and my father's death. If it were me, I'd seek out some professional help to script my relationship with my brother after such a betrayal. For now, just keep telling yourself he's dumb because he is but for your mother to shame you into being 'all he has left' and attending...well, sorry but your mother is dumb too! (no offense but geesh!)

I hope you can smile a bit at my post because it was meant with some humor but has lots of truth to it as well. Good luck and do what makes you feel comfortable and authentic.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Sorry, OP for your loss. I don't have any answers. I do think men process crisis and death differently and would give your brother some slack.

My husband is a twin and his brother was killed in an auto accident. While going through his things he found child support documentation. His brother had hid a child from his family. My husband calls me and tells me about what he found. He then tells me he has no intentions of telling his mother or sisters since it was obvious his brother didn't want anyone to know. I was floored. I told him he couldn't keep this secret. He was going to contact the bio-mother himself and deal with the estate implications.

Luckily one of his brother's friends gathered the siblings and told them about the child the next day. My husband never told his sisters about what he had found the night before. I doubt he would have ever said anything. I was so gratefully that this friend came forward to spare us endless arguments and debate.

The birth situation was ackward and the mother's famly didn't want my BIL to participate in the boy's life. They did go after the proceeds of the estate and won everything that belonged to my BIL. It is sad that he never got to see his son before his death. My MIL never met the child. She did talk of him, but passed away less than a year after her son. I think the grief contributed to her heath issues. My sisters in law have met the boy several times and have had gatherings at holidays at their houses.

My husband refuses to have anything to do with the child. I send our nephew birthday and Christmas gifts, but my husband doesn't like to speak of him. Our nephew even called to thank him for the gift last year (he is now 13) and expressed an interest in meeting us. I've tried to bring up the idea of a visit, but my husband isn't happy about it. I don't know how to proceed.

My husband was devastated when his brother died. I can't imagine the pain he feels over losing him. I know my dh feels terrible that his brother didn't tell him about this sitation and a couple of others that were revealed at his death. I do hope he will meet his nephew someday. I think it might lead to some healing.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

big huge hugs to you! ive been in your shoes! dad died 6 yrs ago this month he also remarried and she detested me as a child, cutting off all communication for me. apparently at the age of ten it was up to me to arragne the whole childcustody arrangements...or so she spewed at me when i showed at his funeral. to this day it hurts....i hate her for what she did to me and my daddy and i know that pain you're going through. i was ommitted from his obit and forbidden from going to the funeral or send flowers. screw that i showed and spoke. it was my way to say goodbye.

everyone has messed up families, unfortunatley some of us more than others, and i have yet to figure out why they have to hurt people. my daddy was my hero too, i was daddys girl all the way. i miss him, these days more than anything now that i have kids. when his mom died we werent told either...i was the 17th grandchild and she was "survived" by 16 in her obit. nice family eh?

it does get better over time, the numbness goes away. you did the rite thing by trying to repair things that werent even caused by you. and im sure now hes seeing what everyone around him was really like. as for your whole brother aspect, i really have no advise. that is sooooo mean! it was my stepsis that called with the news of his death. if it hadnt been for her we wouldnt know either. ours is a very comp,icated family. mom and sd started dating...to get even sm married my dad. yep nice! sd and sm had 3 grown kids when this all happened and one was really good to her dad. so it was good to know someone was in our corner.

is there any way you can remember your dad yourself? or have a small party in his honour? something that will mean something to you so you can have peace? it doesnt have to be huge, andonly invite who you want there. one other thing you may find helpful, start putting your thoughts into a journal or even go talk to someone about it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am curious for the people who think the OP's brother should apologize, what exactly he should be apologizing for?

Sorry, OP for your loss. I don't have any answers. I do think men process crisis and death differently and would give your brother some slack.

My husband is a twin and his brother was killed in an auto accident. While going through his things he found child support documentation. His brother had hid a child from his family. My husband calls me and tells me about what he found. He then tells me he has no intentions of telling his mother or sisters since it was obvious his brother didn't want anyone to know. I was floored. I told him he couldn't keep this secret. He was going to contact the bio-mother himself and deal with the estate implications.

Luckily one of his brother's friends gathered the siblings and told them about the child the next day. My husband never told his sisters about what he had found the night before. I doubt he would have ever said anything. I was so gratefully that this friend came forward to spare us endless arguments and debate.

The birth situation was ackward and the mother's famly didn't want my BIL to participate in the boy's life. They did go after the proceeds of the estate and won everything that belonged to my BIL. It is sad that he never got to see his son before his death. My MIL never met the child. She did talk of him, but passed away less than a year after her son. I think the grief contributed to her heath issues. My sisters in law have met the boy several times and have had gatherings at holidays at their houses.

My husband refuses to have anything to do with the child. I send our nephew birthday and Christmas gifts, but my husband doesn't like to speak of him. Our nephew even called to thank him for the gift last year (he is now 13) and expressed an interest in meeting us. I've tried to bring up the idea of a visit, but my husband isn't happy about it. I don't know how to proceed.

My husband was devastated when his brother died. I can't imagine the pain he feels over losing him. I know my dh feels terrible that his brother didn't tell him about this sitation and a couple of others that were revealed at his death. I do hope he will meet his nephew someday. I think it might lead to some healing.

Wow, what an interesting/difficult situation.

Do you, does your husband, or does anyone else (if they knew he knew) feel that your husband should apologize for honoring what he felt were his brother's wishes?

Do people here expect their own wishes to be honored, regardless of whether someone else sees them differently?

 

[luvsJack]

I am curious for the people who think the OP's brother should apologize, what exactly he should be apologizing for?


Wow, what an interesting/difficult situation.

Do you, does your husband, or does anyone else (if they knew he knew) feel that your husband should apologize for honoring what he felt were his brother's wishes?

He should apologize for hurting her.

If the OP had actually done something to her father, I might could understand her brother honoring his wishes; but that is not the case. I would almost guarantee that her father would have wanted to have seen her one last time, even if he didn't say so. Its highly probable that the wishes to not see the OP were the step-mother's not her father's.

 

[Arielle22]

It appears no one is considering her brother may be having a hard time as well. It was his dad as well and he is processing his own feelings. So maybe his behavior was caused by his emotions.

I don't think you should go to the birthday as upset as you are but you should not write your brother off.

 

[Dancemom03]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that, IMO, your father made his wishes clear by his actions and otherwise over the past 30 years, so his "last" wishes at the end of his life were almost a moot point. For whatever reason, he didn't want to see of mend fences with you. It's really not about your SM or your brother, it's about your father. You really need to keep that in perspective or you'll launch yourself on a downward spiral that will ulitimately only hurt you in the end. To that end, I agree you should probably skip the bday party this year as it will end up in a mess of emotions and accusations. Give yourself some time to settle down...


... I just want to add one thing from the perspective of a hospital nurse who sees these types of situations a lot when people are critically ill or dying. If the wishes of a patient are that they want no visitors, or no specific visitors, we honor that. If people bust in, security is called and they are escorted out. That's just the way it is. We are not privy to past events, nor do we really need to know. Our duty is to that patient at that moment in time. If your brother was in the hospital with your father, I'm sure he saw that. You said you wouldn't have done anything, but then you said you'd call SM. I suspect you also might have tried to go to the hospital as well (from the sound of your post) and that would not have been pretty. Maybe your brother was trying to spare you from that.

OP here... The thing is, it's not only that I wasn't given a chance, it's that my father wasn't either. We've been reconciled for several years now, just SM preferred I not visit or call often. Years ago, after they'd been married for maybe five years, I was missing the closeness/time we'd always spent together and the distance DM tried constantly to put between him and the entire family. I made the mistake of writing my father a letter telling him how much I loved him and asking if perhaps, now that his life was busier, we could set a time to call each other weekly. I wanted the continued closeness that DM resented so much. She's the type of woman who is very sweet upon first impression, but can quickly turn cold and hard. The fact that she didn't speak to her own child/siblings/extended family should have been a warning sign but it was one we all missed until it was too late.

My dad had a slight drinking problem, as did she, and they weren't happy drunks. In the past, my dad would have felt guilty for his misdeeds and apologized. I watched it almost daily for the first 20+ years of my life. I remember telling my aunt that DM was sort of like the parrot on the pirate's shoulder telling him "that's okay, you were right, no need to mend fences" so that, sadly, it ended being him and her alone against the world. He even refused to sign the paper neccessary for my uncle to be buried in the correct space of the family plot just so his sister & neice suffered more when my uncle died and had to spend more to order different headstones. I've been told in recent years he'd stopped drinking and, in my brother's words was "more of a sweetheart". In order to speak/visit though you had to make it past DM's screening process.

Going out on a limb here, not meaning to offend you but maybe offer some insight from an outsider's perspective. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I do think your thinking is off. It's almost paranoid and you seem to be projecting onto them things that may or may not be accurate. We probably all do it to a degree, especially when we're angry, but it's not fair to your brother if in fact he has a whole different perspective than you do. When things settle down you should listen to what he has to say with both an open mind and an open heart.

In a humorous aside... I can't help but remember that saying about it not being paranoid if they really are out to get you...

To clarify though... the day after my brother told me, he called to see how I was doing. I told him the only thing that hurt more than losing dad (and my dreams of a closer relationship in the future) was the fact that my brother was used to contribute to the hurt. I asked him how he could possibly do this and he admitted that he knew we'd be hurt but he felt he needed to be loyal to dad, and now DM. He also said again that the years' old request was enforced by DM and that my father didn't expect to die just then. There was no doubt in his mind, or anyone else's that this was exactly what I said it was - a vindictive kind of "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" statement to his sister, daughter, and mother before she died - so DB also knew how hurt we would be, and said as much, repeating "well I did what I was told" without offering an explanation of what he was thinking except to say again that dad was supposed to go home the next morning and nobody expected him to die so if dad really known it was his last week he probably would have felt differently and maybe had DB call me.

As for me showing up at the hospital and causing any kind of a scene, I'd hardly have a right to do that at this point and know it. I would called DM hoping she'd mention that dad was in the hospital. I would not have betrayed my brother's confidence even if she lied and said he was sleeping in the next room. I will confess that I might have called the funeral director without involving DB or DM to ask if a private viewing to say goodbye was possible. I know this is often done in strained sibling relationships and kept confidential as DH and several friends have done this. Upon much reflection, I know that what I've really lost is more a dream of a relationship that would have been and, perhaps more importantly, trust in my only sibling.

 

[sparklynails23]

Your dad was out of contact with you all of those years by his choice, so I do believe your brother was carrying out his wishes, as much as that might hurt. Even if you are not up to going to the birthday party, now is your opportunity to bury all of this hate and anger. This has been going on for years, and now you can stop it.

I would probably send a little note or e-mail to your brother saying that your are hurt by what he did, but that you love him and will get over it. Then call him in a month or so when you can have a short polite conversation. Don't let the family drama continue. It will only cause you more harm in the long run.

 

[Dancemom03]

OP -

Y'know what? Something's come up and you can't make it. Send a card.

The main issue I see in your situation is that you're feeling like no-one has your back, not your mom and certainly not your brother. If I were in your shoes I *know* I wouldn't go but I would try my darnedest to not immediately burn any bridges...don't know if I'd succeed though. Has your brother at least apologized for hurting your feelings and for lying to you? It doesn't matter that he did 'what Dad [supposedly] wanted', he should at least be able to say he's sorry to have hurt you.
Your mother should have stayed out of it. Sheesh, she's just making everything worse by taking your brother's side. Another thing, I think this needs to be considered...did your mom & stepfather know about your dad's condition before he died?


And I am so so *so* sorry for your losses.

agnes!

My mother has always favored DB. He's the baby and "had allergies and a heart murmor as a child plus you were daddy's girl and the apple of your grandparents' eye so he needed to be first with me to make up for it" she reluctantly admitted during yesterday's heated discussion about the birthday dinner. Initially, I just said we were busy but as she persisted, and i got resentful then cried uncomtrollably it became obvious to all why I need some space right now. She's like a dog with a bone though and just can't leave it alone so the hurt ends up getting stirred up on a daily basis. The only break I had was when we went out of state last week supposedly on vacation.

She was told by DB about my father's death shortly after I was. It was a very unpleasant marriage and an even nastier divorce with a custody/support battle that ended only when DB (the youngest pawn) finally turned 18 so they avoided ever being in the same room, much less keeping in touch. My mom is very generous in giving everyone (but me) the benefit of the doubt lately though and is very sorry he's gone. She called to schedule a mass to be said for my father but cancelled it when my brother lost his mind and informed her there was to be no obit or any kind of service, even an annonymus mass card.

I'm currently battling my inner rebel to resist calling in a death notice to our local paper and scheduling my own memorial mass despite their "wishes"...

 

[wdwfan16]

I am sorry.

I think it is too soon to celebrate with your brother.