Murder/Suicide WWYD?

[tevagirl]

My son and son-in-law are both correctional officers in a state prison. Last week one of the officers shot and killed his girlfriend (another officer) and then killed himself.

My son-in-law worked occasionally with this officer and liked him. He is attending his funeral as are a few other officers. He will also be attending the female officer's funeral. There are many, however, that are choosing not to go to his, only to hers. I don't fault them, they are angry. My son is still not sure if he will be attending.

I'm not asking for advice, I'm just wondering what you think you would do if this happened at your work place.

My heart breaks for both families and I'm glad my son-in-law is going to the male officer's funeral. I think it will mean an awful lot to his family to have some of his co-workers there.

 

[mrsv98]

Well, since funerals are for the ones left behind, I would probably go to support his parents/family. Unless they are nutty too, they are hurting just as much, but in a different way than the other family. Plus they will live with the "shame" - unfair to be sure - so a show of support will mean a lot to them.

I think I would go to the victim's and grieve over their loss and the shooter's to say you are sorry he couldn't reach out for help.

On a side note, I am reading 19 Minutes by Jodi Picoult at the moment, and it deals with these (ficitonalized of course) issues. It is very interesting and illustrates what it is like to be the "other" family.

 

[sunee]

If I were a friend I'd attend. Wakes aren't for the dead, but the living, and I'd go and say how sorry I was for their loss without bringing up the events surrounding the death.

I'd also go to the funeral if I'd been his friend. What's done is done.

But, that's me.

 

[stargrazer]

My son and son-in-law are both correctional officers in a state prison. Last week one of the officers shot and killed his girlfriend (another officer) and then killed himself.

My son-in-law worked occasionally with this officer and liked him. He is attending his funeral as are a few other officers. He will also be attending the female officer's funeral. There are many, however, that are choosing not to go to his, only to hers. I don't fault them, they are angry. My son is still not sure if he will be attending.

I'm not asking for advice, I'm just wondering what you think you would do if this happened at your work place.

My heart breaks for both families and I'm glad my son-in-law is going to the male officer's funeral. I think it will mean an awful lot to his family to have some of his co-workers there.

What exactly are you asking for an opinion on?

Your son losing a co-worker?

Your son's co-worker being a murderer?

Your son's friend committed suicide?

The conflicted feelings of your son's co-workers?

Really not being smart here, this is a very difficult and complicated situation and extremely painful for everyone involved no doubt.

Every person reacts differently to each of those factors; only you can figure out how you feel about it and encourage everyone else to do the same.

I would personally just offer support, prayers and lots of food.

 

[tevagirl]

What exactly are you asking for an opinion on?

Your son losing a co-worker?

Your son's co-worker being a murderer?

Your son's friend committed suicide?

The conflicted feelings of your son's co-workers?

Really not being smart here, this is a very difficult and complicated situation and extremely painful for everyone involved no doubt.

Every person reacts differently to each of those factors; only you can figure out how you feel about it and encourage everyone else to do the same.

I would personally just offer support, prayers and lots of food.

Just wondering what others would do if they were in this position. That's all.

 

[mamacatnv]

A few years ago, my cousin took his pregnant wife and 3 kids into the woods where he killed them all.

I did not attend the funeral (too much for me) but other family members did and it was so difficult the way they were ostricized by the wife's side of the family (I totally get it, but it was so sad). My uncle lost his 4 grandchildren and his only daughter-in-law but because he was the father of the sicko he was treated like a parahia as were all his siblings and friends who also attended.

I think you son/son in law made the right choice in attending both ceremonies and offering his sympathy and condolences to the families.

 

[stargrazer]

Just wondering what others would do if they were in this position. That's all.

I guess that's what I'm trying to clairify (your position).

Not sure how to answer

Again, support and prayers to those close to you seems the best course of action, IMO.

ETA I also come from one of those 'other side' families so I apologize if it seems harsh.

 

[Vivianne]

It's hard on everyone involved.

Our neighbor's adult son killed his girlfriend and is serving his time in prison.

The parents keep to themselves although we try to be friendly towards them. They really seem to be very sad and broken over what their son did. That's an observation on my part as a consequence of what he did.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

WWYD?

Depends....

What are the reprecussions of attending/not attending?
Obviously a correctional officier has an intimate relationship with coworkers and needs to trust them, right?
How many years have they worked there?
Does your son/sil know both of them?
How long were they friends with these people?

If this were an office situation my answer might be clear, however the circumstances surrounding it are too sketchy to make a proper decision.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

Well, since funerals are for the ones left behind, I would probably go to support his parents/family. Unless they are nutty too, they are hurting just as much, but in a different way than the other family. Plus they will live with the "shame" - unfair to be sure - so a show of support will mean a lot to them.

I think I would go to the victim's and grieve over their loss and the shooter's to say you are sorry he couldn't reach out for help.

I agree. I would go to both and for the reason you stated above.

 

[tevagirl]

WWYD?

Depends....

What are the reprecussions of attending/not attending?
Obviously a correctional officier has an intimate relationship with coworkers and needs to trust them, right?
How many years have they worked there?
Does your son/sil know both of them?
How long were they friends with these people?

If this were an office situation my answer might be clear, however the circumstances surrounding it are too sketchy to make a proper decision.

What would you do in an office situation? If it happened in my work place and I was acquainted and liked both of them, I believe I would attend the funeral to show support for his family.

There are no right or wrong answers. Everyone has to do what they believe is best for them. I can understand the ones who do not wish to attend and those that do.

Again, I'm just curious.

 

[nbodyhome]

A relative of mine killed her son and then herself. It was very difficult for many, some anger - but a lot of people still came and said nice things about her. It is a personal choice, and only your son-in-law can decide whether to go or not. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, the other officer might have been depressed/mentally ill, etc.

I can't say what I'd do, it depends on the person. If I liked the person, I probably would attend the funeral. If I was angry, maybe not so much.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What would you do in an office situation? If it happened in my work place and I was acquainted and liked both of them, I believe I would attend the funeral to show support for his family.

There are no right or wrong answers. Everyone has to do what they believe is best for them. I can understand the ones who do not wish to attend and those that do.

Again, I'm just curious.

Well.....the fact that they are working with inmates has puts a twist on the situation. Officers/Military rely on each other in a save your life fashion.

Office politics could get ugly but not life threatening.

I am not saying "right or wrong", I am saying I would protect myself under the circumstances. Murder/Suicide is a thing that can bring out strong emotions.

 

[Disney Doll]

The family of the man are going to need sympathy and support. Not only are they dealing with the fact that their loved one is dead, but they are also dealing with the stigma of what he did. If they knew and liked the female, they are also dealing with losing her and knowing it was at the hand of their family member.

I'd go. Those poor people are going to need all the support they can get.

 

[C.Ann]

If I knew and liked them both, I would go to both..

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would attend both. The family left behind is grieving even for the murderer. I would think corrections officers are a close group like the police and fire are.

 

[barkley]

never (thankfully) faced a situation like this, but did have some tragic deaths among co-workers over the years. i more always volunteered to provide coverage so those staff members who desired to attend could (funerals are not held during the hours we did'nt have to have staff on site). i feel funerals are for those left behind, i felt those co-workers that needed to attend for themselves should have that opportunity.

i don't see any reason to not to support the family of the man in this situation-they are going through pain and deserve compassion as well.

 

[mrsltg]

He should go to both otherwise I think it will be seen as passing judgement on the family of the murderer.

Policework is very difficult and the suicide rate is high. Unfortunately the domestic violence rate is high, too. It's terrible this man chose, rather than to seek help, to kill the other officer. It took an incredibly sad situation and compounded it by about one million! Urge your son and son-in-law to contact their employee assistance program if need be. These situations are very easily internalized.

 

[lajones81]

If I knew and liked them both, I would go to both..

I agree.

 

[ducklite]

You attend the funeral for benefit of the families, not the deceased IMHO.

I think that it would be very kind of him to go to both funerals to comfort both families. It's not like the shooters family had anything to do with the crime, and I'm sure they are gieving terribly, and carrying an immense amount of guilt. Sometimes the most comfort in the time of grief comes from the least expected person.

Anne