much better, thanks all.

[Mouse House Mama]

I didn't read through the whole thread so forgive me if I am repeatimg something. Here's my take. Please don't be offended as this is only my opinion and well, we all have them.

I have had my share of PITA relatives. Most of which I no longer speak through because of their actions. So I get where relatives can be a burden rather than a pleasure. That being said- I would let my parents or my in-laws live with us if they had to while they fixed their house. Personally, I think your DH should suck it up. They are your parents and he should try to make it easier on you rather than being grouchy about people living there. They are your parents. Yes, not every parent is a dream come true but it seems like you had a pretty close relationship with them before this mess. I just think your DH is the one who is making this difficult. Would your parents let you live with them if the situation was reversed? If so then you need to re-evaluate your response to them. I would be very hurt if my kids didn't think enough of me to be a little inconvenienced for such a short time. 6 months in the overall scheme of life is not alot of time. Would it be stressful? Sure! Would you survive? I am sure of it. While I think you should be honest with your parents and I am honest with mine, I think your DH is old enough to be able to deal with it. I am guessing that I am not the poplular response, but this is just how I feel. I wish you luck and hope it all clears up. Life is too short.

 

[janey99]

OP - Don't you see the irony of saying that your parents are moving to your area so you can help them when they need it (I assume you're referring to when they are more elderly and need regular assistance) and they've asked for temporary help for two weeks and you've refused?

If I were your mom I'd be second guessing my whole decision to be near you, if that's the kind of "help" you mean. Maybe that's why she had such a strong reaction and is giving you the silent treatment. Not saying it's right, but I can see the scenario.

 

[ilovejack02]

OP - Don't you see the irony of saying that your parents are moving to your area so you can help them when they need it (I assume you're referring to when they are more elderly and need regular assistance) and they've asked for temporary help for two weeks and you've refused?

If I were your mom I'd be second guessing my whole decision to be near you, if that's the kind of "help" you mean. Maybe that's why she had such a strong reaction and is giving you the silent treatment. Not saying it's right, but I can see the scenario.

The last time her parents fixed up a house it took 9 months.. I can see why the op is gun shy. The op has opened her house to them every time they came to look for a house and gave them her car also helped them search for the house. Its not like she never does anything for them. Yes i get that folks need to help out relatives and spouses should suck things up, but no one needs to suck things up for an open ended time frame and if past behavior is any indication This prob isnt going to be just two weeks which is what op is afraid of. The Op is very handy and has a clue on how long things take to fix according to her and it looks like she knows this is a much bigger job than just two weeks.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP - Don't you see the irony of saying that your parents are moving to your area so you can help them when they need it (I assume you're referring to when they are more elderly and need regular assistance) and they've asked for temporary help for two weeks and you've refused?

If I were your mom I'd be second guessing my whole decision to be near you, if that's the kind of "help" you mean. Maybe that's why she had such a strong reaction and is giving you the silent treatment. Not saying it's right, but I can see the scenario.

Really?

So you would buy a junky house and expect to move in with your daughter's family?

I would never do that to my children. NEVER!!!!

And it wouldn't be for 2 weeks....
What part of that doesn't anyone here get that? I mean really it boggles my mind that people here do not understand that.

 

[TwingleMum]

I didn't wade through 6 pages of comments so if this has been commented on I apoligize. There is an old saying "Guests like fish stink after 3 days " but they are your parents. I'd understand it better if there was something toxic like abuse of some sort, excessive drinking etc...
I have 7 siblings and we certainly aren't the Brady Bunch (who is?) and occassionally we all fight or disagree but you mend fences and put yourself out for each other because your family. I raise my children to respect my parents and kiss and hug them everytime they see them. And to talk to them and spend time with them. And my kids are all under 6 yrs old.Yes I believe you need to teach respect for your elders. I also try to lead by example, my Dad can be very set in his ways and expect to be waited on and it can be annoying but I do it with a sense of humor " Yes Kimosabe (and I bow and get him his diet coke with a white towel drapped over my arm.) but I always kiss them hello and goodbye I always tell them I love them. I never end a phone call without an I love you.
I tell my boys that its important to take care of Grandma & Pop because they took great care of me when I was a kid and thats what families do ~take care of each other. And Grandma & Pop sacrificed for me and now its my turn to take care of them. Taking turns is not just for little kids and a favorite toy.
Children also learn what they live be careful what message you are sending them. You come first if its inconvienent. Someday your kids may treat you they way they see you treat your parents. You reap what you sow.
Hope you can get past this. and of course this is JMHO.

 

[tikilyn]

OP: After reading your last post I decided to post.

It sounds like you were close with your parents and wanted them closer to you. I am in that same sitution right now.

I moved 6hrs south of my family (I know thats not too far) do to my dh getting his dream job. I have no family down here and was so sad for myself and my children.
After a year down here I started hinting to my parents that they should move down here with us (dad is about to retire). So 3.5 years later I get a call from my mother. She tells me they want to move down here to be closer to us but the only way they could do it was if they could move in with us. (They had a bad time finacially a few years ago) They wanted to stay with us until they had a down payment on a house.
I was so excited but when I brought it up to dh he was less than thrilled. In fact he tried to tell me no, but I pointed out to him that if it was his family he would help them out. He decided to suck it up for ME!! He knew I would be so much happier to have family down here with me.

My parents moved in with us in March. Dad had some trouble with his job transfer and it took his job 3 months to get his transfer fixed. So here they were living with me on his military retirement (it's not much). Finally, hes working again and they are saving. So I know that they will be here for another year or so.

Our house is not big. It's 1850 sqft, two story home,3bedroom and 2.5baths. My children are 4 and 6. I move my ds4 into dd 6 bedroom and gave my parents his room.

I don't see your mother asking for an open ended stay. If she said two weeks then thats it, two weeks. I don't see what the harm is letting them stay for two weeks. You blame your husband because it makes him cranky and ruff on your marriage . I don't get it.


I agree with the last poster about the Irony of it all. LOL

OP - Don't you see the irony of saying that your parents are moving to your area so you can help them when they need it (I assume you're referring to when they are more elderly and need regular assistance) and they've asked for temporary help for two weeks and you've refused?

If I were your mom I'd be second guessing my whole decision to be near you, if that's the kind of "help" you mean. Maybe that's why she had such a strong reaction and is giving you the silent treatment. Not saying it's right, but I can see the scenario.

 

[kimmar067]

...I too, have not read through all the posts, but here is my own take, based upon MY experience:

Growing up, my mom and I had never really been close. I guess it's because HER mom (my abuelita) and I have ALWAYS been very close and she and her mom have not. In fact, she has always been closer with my younger sister - looking back, I suppose that I have secretly been a bit envious of that....anyhoo, she is an only child, and several years ago, retired to move to Puerto Rico to live [and take care of] my grandmother, who had been living there by herself for several years. Well, my grandmother passed on this past October and now my mom lives alone in Puerto Rico. She is 'homesick' to relocate here, since all 9 of her grandchildren are here. For the time being, we have convinced her to stay in PR, and visit whenever she wants [it really would be too costly for her to relocate here]. Ironically, she just returned to Puerto Rico after a 2-month stay. During her 2-week stay with my sister, I got the impression that it became 'burdensome' for my sister and her family, yet I found her company [while she stayed at OUR house for 3 weeks] to be welcome and refreshing! She will be returning in Nov/Dec and I am really looking forward to that time. In fact, I hope to convince my DH to spend Christmas week in WDW and have her accompany us.

I should also mention that, just before my 13y-o DS was born, my Dad, who was divorced from my mom, became angry with me (to this day, I have no idea why !) and didn't speak to me - he passed away when my 13y-o was about 6 months old ~ he never met my DS and I never got the chance to 'say good-bye' to him.

Now, I don't know if my mom and I both became a bit older and a bit wiser, but nothing would prohibit her from staying in my home.....certain guidelines are spelled out ahead of time, so that there is no room for hard feelings.

The best piece of advice that I can give you is to give it a little bit of time and then speak to her personally, not via an email - life is too short to fret over loved ones..... GOOD LUCK!

 

[Lionqueen2]

I didn't read through the whole thread so forgive me if I am repeatimg something. Here's my take. Please don't be offended as this is only my opinion and well, we all have them.

I have had my share of PITA relatives. Most of which I no longer speak through because of their actions. So I get where relatives can be a burden rather than a pleasure. That being said- I would let my parents or my in-laws live with us if they had to while they fixed their house. Personally, I think your DH should suck it up. They are your parents and he should try to make it easier on you rather than being grouchy about people living there. They are your parents. Yes, not every parent is a dream come true but it seems like you had a pretty close relationship with them before this mess. I just think your DH is the one who is making this difficult. Would your parents let you live with them if the situation was reversed? If so then you need to re-evaluate your response to them. I would be very hurt if my kids didn't think enough of me to be a little inconvenienced for such a short time. 6 months in the overall scheme of life is not alot of time. Would it be stressful? Sure! Would you survive? I am sure of it. While I think you should be honest with your parents and I am honest with mine, I think your DH is old enough to be able to deal with it. I am guessing that I am not the poplular response, but this is just how I feel. I wish you luck and hope it all clears up. Life is too short.

This is exactly how I feel. I couldn't imagine saying no to my parents if they needed my help, nor can I imagine them saying no to me if I need theirs. They are family and family is there to help each other when necessary and it does seem that they have been there to help you out.

I also think that you DH could and should make things easier for you to help your parents. You do seem to be caught in the middle between your DH's comfort and your parents' needs.

I'd also be concerned about my own kids learning that I turned their grandparents away. Twenty years from now those kids may be remembering this incident when you're the one needing their help.

Sending you and hoping all turns out well.

 

[daisax]

I don't see your mother asking for an open ended stay. If she said two weeks then thats it, two weeks. I don't see what the harm is letting them stay for two weeks.

Folks, they have a history of moving in with people for a specified short period that drags on for MONTHS, and the OP knows for certain that it simply is not possible to make the place habitable in the two week period that her mother is declaring they will do so.

Then add in the laundry list of people the parents have cut out of their lives for various reasons.

Part of being an adult is setting boundaries. I think the OP set a reasonable boundary, one that would prevent chaos in her marriage and an inevitable showdown once the parents were in her home and weeks were ticking by, and she was faced with trying to convince them THEN to find a place to live.

There are many impractical people in this world who have fantasies about how easy things are to get done (i.e. making a dump habitable), and they get huffy if those around them who have been through their fantasies before don't hop on board enthusiastically. They're incapable of seeing their own track record objectively. And when anybody dares to insert a word of caution, they act as if the practical person is a dream crusher and turn on them.

OP, I don't think it was wise to post her emails publicly, because even though it was helpful to get advice (or was it?!), if she discovers it, using her actual emails is a betrayal that she can legitimately point to. Up to that point, however, based on your version of events, I think you have behaved sensibly and have to let the chips fall where they may.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'd also be concerned about my own kids learning that I turned their grandparents away. Twenty years from now those kids may be remembering this incident when you're the one needing their help.

I would consider myself a crappy parent if I did that to my kids.
Cut them off because they denied my request.
What kind of parent does that?

Seriously?

 

[KirstenB]

OP, are your parents going through some financial issues? I know my folks moved into a crappy fixer upper a couple of years ago, to try to lower their mortgage payments. Could it be part of the issue is they can't afford mortgage and rent (apartment) payments at the same time? Your mom kept mentioning being embarassed. Is she embarassed because their in over their heads money-wise?

Anyway, if this is the case, maybe you could help them out with some money to help tide them over. I understand you're not wanting them to move in, but maybe there's another way to help them out.

 

[Florida_Mom]

OP, I feel for you. While I probably would not have been quite so blunt in the email exchange, it sounds like you do need to set boundaries.

The key for me with my parents is ** set boundaries, and still be loving. ** Especially now that they are moving down closer to you...are there going to be all kinds of new expectations? Set your boundaries, be loving, help them out when you can, but detach when you need to.

My mother would never ask to stay with us for 2 weeks. If she did, I'd let her...but neither of us would be happy. As for my dad, no, I would not. He would be complaining about everything I do and drinking the entire time. So...no.

So, it really depends on the relative. We invited DHs sister to move in with us at one point, so it's not like we can't share, but we know our limitations, too.

Best of luck. I think you should just move forward. Give it a week to blow over, then call your dad again. Ask him how you can help with their move, and get with DH and see what you can do.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would consider myself a crappy parent if I did that to my kids.
Cut them off because they denied my request.
What kind of parent does that?

Seriously?

Perhaps they arn't cutting her off persay. Maybe they are so hurt and embarrassed because the OP made then seem like a burden that they feel uncomfortable? Maybe they feel as though they are a bother and are trying to not bother the OP?

 

[Lanshark]

I haven't read the responses but why did you post this email here if your Mom reads here?

Can you imagine how your Mom would feel if she reads this?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Perhaps they arn't cutting her off persay. Maybe they are so hurt and embarrassed because the OP made then seem like a burden that they feel uncomfortable? Maybe they feel as though they are a bother and are trying to not bother the OP?

Is that like a little bit pregnant?

Seriously, would you cut off your child because you are hurt and embarassed because they told you no you can't live with me?

I know I would not. If my dd told me no, I would respect her decision.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Is that like a little bit pregnant?

Seriously, would you cut off your child because you are hurt and embarassed because they told you no you can't live with me?

I know I would not. If my dd told me no, I would respect her decision.

There is nothing that could keep me from my children. BUT- I would also hope that they wouldn't turn me away if I needed help.

 

[ilovejack02]

Perhaps they arn't cutting her off persay. Maybe they are so hurt and embarrassed because the OP made then seem like a burden that they feel uncomfortable? Maybe they feel as though they are a bother and are trying to not bother the OP?

Not sure if you read the whole thing, but parents have cut off others. Their son, and op's grandparents for the last 10 yrs and maybe someone else. Edit... they dont speak to Op's uncle either.
I dont think they arent trying not to bother her, since they have a history of cutting folks out of their lives. They didnt speak to the Op's bother for i think it said 5 yrs.. come on these folks have issues.

 

[disney4us2002]

I don't get the "let the parents move in since it's only a couple weeks" replies. Have any of you actually done any remodeling? The house sounded way beyond a two week fix. Suppose, the OP and her dh relented and said "okay, you can move in but no more than 4 wks", what then? Will she have to evict her own parents? Once they're in, she is stuck until they go or it'll be WWIII and then that's so much worse than just saying at the beginning, "look, I don't think this can be done in 2 wks and we just can't accomodate another family in our home indefinitely".

Can you rent an apartment for less than a year's lease? Perhaps they should move down into an apartment and continue looking for a house more appropriate which could take them 8 months to a year anyway.

I say hold your ground.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There is nothing that could keep me from my children. BUT- I would also hope that they wouldn't turn me away if I needed help.

So what do you think of a parent that cuts off their child?

I have no respect for someone like that.

Of course this does not include destructive behaviors, such as molesters, abusers, drug addicts, etc....

How many family members have been "cut off" in your family?

I'll start....

My SIL & BIL have cut off my nephew, basically threw him out of the house because he is gay, at 16. He is now 21 and living in NYC making it on his own. They tried to cut all of us out because we talk to him...but too bad...they got over it.

They also have cut off other family and friends.

They still do not talk to their son and we do not respect them. We are polite in their presence but that is all.

My EX-SIL comes from the "cutting off people" to the max....oh she was hoot to have as a SIL.

My grandma cut off her son, because he married a women who dared to talk back to her. Also she was from Spain and that did not help. He was married in the service over in Spain back in 1964.
My grandma was a very controlling woman & cruel, my mom kept her mouth shut, but never liked her.
She died never seeing her grandchildren or her son.

 

[grlpwrd]

To the OP,

I totally agree with you. Your parents did not find themselves in some unfortunate circumstance and need help from family... They were expecting to put you and your family out for a lengthy period of time. No question about it. Anyone who is preaching about 'putting ones self out to help family' is not on the same track. Your parents weren't needing help in some unfortunate circumstance. They were wanting to impose on you, and for you to enable a bad decision.

Take a word of advice here. Don't even get started trying to defend yourself to those who are saying you were wrong. They are not you. They do not know your personal situation. If you start defending yourself here, you will definately be feeding the dragon.

I have this to say to you and to everyone else here. Any parent who would tell a child that they must cut of contact with the other parent has some serious issues and is dead wrong.

Any parent who would just up and cut themselves off from their daughter and their precious grandchildren because they are not 'catered too' and every single expectation met, has some serious issues and is dead wrong. And, this is exaclty what happened. The OP did not do anything to infringe on her mother. She simply found herself in a position where she felt she must say 'no'.

Any adult who is able to provide a place for themselves to stay and simply expects anyone else to provide for them, just for their own convenience, has some serious issues and is just plain wrong.

Okay, now that I have cleared this up.
Here is what is important.
I have said this on many threads.

It is NOT about 'right or wrong'!!!!

Do not even feel that you have to defend yourself as being 'right'.

Anyone who goes thru life looking at every personal situation as who was right, and how was I wronged, is on a long and stormy road.

LET IT GO and move forward.

Your mother made her decision.

You are getting a good dose of who your mother really is and how she can treat you and how she can affect you.

You will be making a very serious and grave error if you fall into the trap of falling all over yourself trying to appease a person like this and stay in their good graces. It is very apparant that your mother has very little good graces left at this point. It would be a futile effort, and you would just fall into the trap of her continually using guilt trips and threats of cutting you off to control you and your DH and your family.

If it becomes possible to forge some kind of amicable relationship, then great!!!!

But, I would think long and hard about ever returning to the kind of relationship that you have had in the past. (planning trips together, lack of personal boundaries, etc....)

My bet is that your mother would never find the kind of relationship described above as acceptable. For her, it is all about her, and it is all or nothing. So, be aware that the kind of amicable but with clear boundaries relationship that I am describing here may not happen.

Your mother has cut others out of her life. And, she has shown that she can and will do the same to you.

Your best bet is to let them know that you love them and would love to speak with them, and then move on from there.

I think you are very wise.

Folks, she is not dealing with "normal." I don't think most people here know what it is like to have a dysfunctional parent or family or they have never experienced it. I lived with my own dysfunctional family for 19 years until I could move away for college. I even saved up my own money and won scholarships to get the (bleep) out of there. lol

I also lived with my MIL for almost 2 years after I had my first dd. I had no choice because were building our house.... ok, we did have a choice, but still. I listened to my husband! (lol) I would never, ever go through that again... not even for 1 or 2 weeks. When we visit, we stay in a hotel.

OP, I hope you find peace.