much better, thanks all.

[solferino]

Hi, fellow Disers, I'm using a different profile because my parents also read the disboards, and frankly, I really would like some third party opinions about what's happening here.

This is an unfortunate situation for you and your family. That said, I think posting here was rather passive-aggressive, knowing your parents read the boards.

 

[kerrynic78]

I don't know. Sounds like she does a lot for you and you won't let them stay with you for 2 weeks. Yeah, that would suck but we all make sacrifices for family. The whole not wanting them to go to Disney so they could stay home and babysit your dogs thing sounds pretty crappy too. Unless that isn't truly the way it played out.

I can see your point with it being a little rude to ask to stay for 2 weeks but it also sounds like they do quite a bit for you.

Hard to give a solid opinion when you don't know history and the entire situation.

 

[gina2000]

I don't know you or your family situation but it wouldn't happen here. My in-laws lived with their son and his sig other for 6 months waiting for their home to be completed. My BIL and SIL lived with various brothers and MY sister (no relation to them) while they were waiting for their condo to be finished. Sure, it's difficult, but that's what families are for.

 

[lisajl]

With they way your mom has cut people out of her life, you are doing the right thing.
I would never let a relative stay for 2 weeks, and yes it does sound like a larger project than 2 weeks.

With that said, my mom always made me feel guilty. She passed away a year ago Aug 22nd. While we were never really close, she was still the only mom I will ever have. (and I miss her)

I hope you and your mom can patch things up. Just don't let her take advantage of you. Just because she gave birth to you does not mean you have to do everything she asks.

Hugs to you...

Lisa

 

[disney4us2002]

Two weeks sounds doubtful to me and that could easily extend to two months or even more. Dh and I would not survive his parents or my dad staying with us that long. First, we don't even have spare rooms (don't know if you do since you don't mention it), but visiting more than a weekend begins to get tense. Now, that said, if there were an emergency and their house burned down or something, then sure we'd make do as long as we could but there might be bloodshed - probably only kidding. I don't think you are selfish at all for saying no right up front (I got the impression others thought so from the replies). If your parents have a habit of cutting people out, what is to stop them from saying or doing something really mean or spiteful to your children? That is where my concern would be. Maybe you're better off with a bit of a break.

 

[DawnCt1]

My big question is, for those of you who did get cut out of people's lives, how did you learn to adjust and what made it easier to move on?

.

I am a little concerned that you are asking that question. I have cut people out of my life that were friends, who didn't turn out to be good friends. That is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between even consideringg cutting family out of your life. We learn to adjust to make room for the idiosyncrasies that families/parents have, we don't learn to adjust to learn to live without them unless we have to. If parents/family have been physically or sexually abusive, addicts or alcoholics, then all bets are off. If they are an occasional PITA, then we learn to cope with them, if its two weeks or two months. In the scheme of things, its still a short time.

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[Hannathy]

Reading the e-mails you sent to your Mother and the tone you took in them I would be upset if they were from a good friend of mine let alone my daughter. They were cold. and make you DH sound like a real b.....(illegitimate child)
Family puts themselves out for each other. I don't think you need to take them in for a year but for a month -yes. My parents hated asking anyone for anything and if they actually asked me to take them in for a while I would have done so gladly.

Looking at the situation from the outside IMO you come off looking selfish and I understand why your Mom and Dad are upset.

 

[Hixski]

I don't have any advice since I am going through problems with my parents myself. All because my brother lives at home with them. He is 44 and thinks he is perfect and everyone else isn't. My parents seem to agree with this concept. I can't play the game they are playing if I don't know the rules. And the rules keep changing. DH and I will just have to live our lives and my parents can have my brother and be happy. The really sad part is the rest of our extended family thinks my parents babying my brother is ridiculous but of course everyone stays out of it. The only people that don't see there is a problem is my parents.

 

[mumzie2three]

However, if you called your father, after being specifically asked not to by your mother, if it were me, our problem would have just become MUCH bigger.

I don't understand this.
In a lot of ways the OP's mum sounds like my MIL. When my MIL tells my DH "your father thinks this" or "your father said this" she's usually making it up. And when she cuts her kids off she tells FIL not to talk to them either or she'll make his life a living hell.

 

[famofsix]

OP you can do whatever you want but my opinion from the emails is that both you and your mom "took a tone" and while you feel she cut you out of her life I think it may be she is saying the same about you because it seems like you really reacted in an uncaring manner.

If it were me, I would suck it up send flowers with a note that says when you can meet together in person to sort it out or if that is not possible I would send them flowers and say "I miss you and want to talk with you because I love you"....I will call on "pick a day".

If such a meeting happenes I would apologize for the misunderstandings with email and let your parents know how much you want them to be a part of your life and your families life. I think it is fine to step up boundaries but they need to be done in a more diplomatic way to get a positive outcome.

You may continue to disagree with them and they may disagree with you but this does not seem to be a circumstance that warrants surrendering a relationship over. They are your parents after all and someday you don't want to look back with regret because this escalated into 5 years of not speaking to each other.

From my experience, my parents can drive me stark raving mad but it is what I do with the feelings that matter....and believe me they can also do the guilt thing. Most of the time I pretend I am a duck and let the water roll off my back.... It is hard! Bitterness and anger only age you more...give peace a chance.

 

[famofsix]

I don't understand this.
In a lot of ways the OP's mum sounds like my MIL. When my MIL tells my DH "your father thinks this" or "your father said this" she's usually making it up. And when she cuts her kids off she tells FIL not to talk to them either or she'll make his life a living hell.

I agree..As adults I believe we adult children should we given the respect to discuss things with each parent.

I hate it when my mom "speaks" for my dad and he has no clue she wanted him to "feel" that way about whatever the situation is. It is a cruel game I think. I just find more creative ways around it.

 

[DawnCt1]

It's very frustrating. She hears what she wants, reads what she wants, makes up these crazy conclusions, and then punishes me for it.

It sucks. Because she has so many great qualities!

Most of the time I'm fine managing it, but really, are we evolving at all here in any sort of healthy relationship? Just how badly is she determined to break it, anyway?

I am sure she does hear what she wants to hear and draws conclusions that aren't exactly correct. I would call her and tell her that email is such a poor way to communicate, that you love her and want to start over. Parents shouldn't threaten children with breaking ties, nor should children. I wish you all the best.

 

[wilderness01]

Reading the e-mails you sent to your Mother and the tone you took in them I would be upset if they were from a good friend of mine let alone my daughter. They were cold. and make you DH sound like a real b.....(illegitimate child)
Family puts themselves out for each other. I don't think you need to take them in for a year but for a month -yes. My parents hated asking anyone for anything and if they actually asked me to take them in for a while I would have done so gladly.

Looking at the situation from the outside IMO you come off looking selfish and I understand why your Mom and Dad are upset.

Unfortunately, I have to agree. Sorry. Hope it all works out. I understand you wouldn't want them for a long time, but what is 2 to 4 weeks? It sounds like she has helped you out in the past. I too, as a close relative, let alone a mother, would be very hurt.

 

[disneypearl]

It was only for two weeks. It sounds like they were moving so to be closer to you. Their feelings were hurt and maybe not letting them stay with you for a couple weeks was the last straw. Moving is stressful and it seems this made their move even more hard. Bringing up them watching the dogs was innocent to you but they are probably so looking forward to going with you. I am sure they have been excited about seeing you more often and not letting them stay with you might make them think you are not looking forward to them being so close. I am not sure, but I hope things work out for you and them. Maybe sending them flowers and asking them to call you on the card would help. Hope things get better for you and your parents.

 

[Wishing on a star]

To the OP,

I totally agree with you. Your parents did not find themselves in some unfortunate circumstance and need help from family... They were expecting to put you and your family out for a lengthy period of time. No question about it. Anyone who is preaching about 'putting ones self out to help family' is not on the same track. Your parents weren't needing help in some unfortunate circumstance. They were wanting to impose on you, and for you to enable a bad decision.

Take a word of advice here. Don't even get started trying to defend yourself to those who are saying you were wrong. They are not you. They do not know your personal situation. If you start defending yourself here, you will definately be feeding the dragon.

I have this to say to you and to everyone else here. Any parent who would tell a child that they must cut of contact with the other parent has some serious issues and is dead wrong.

Any parent who would just up and cut themselves off from their daughter and their precious grandchildren because they are not 'catered too' and every single expectation met, has some serious issues and is dead wrong. And, this is exaclty what happened. The OP did not do anything to infringe on her mother. She simply found herself in a position where she felt she must say 'no'.

Any adult who is able to provide a place for themselves to stay and simply expects anyone else to provide for them, just for their own convenience, has some serious issues and is just plain wrong.

Okay, now that I have cleared this up.
Here is what is important.
I have said this on many threads.

It is NOT about 'right or wrong'!!!!

Do not even feel that you have to defend yourself as being 'right'.

Anyone who goes thru life looking at every personal situation as who was right, and how was I wronged, is on a long and stormy road.

LET IT GO and move forward.

Your mother made her decision.

You are getting a good dose of who your mother really is and how she can treat you and how she can affect you.

You will be making a very serious and grave error if you fall into the trap of falling all over yourself trying to appease a person like this and stay in their good graces. It is very apparant that your mother has very little good graces left at this point. It would be a futile effort, and you would just fall into the trap of her continually using guilt trips and threats of cutting you off to control you and your DH and your family.

If it becomes possible to forge some kind of amicable relationship, then great!!!!

But, I would think long and hard about ever returning to the kind of relationship that you have had in the past. (planning trips together, lack of personal boundaries, etc....)

My bet is that your mother would never find the kind of relationship described above as acceptable. For her, it is all about her, and it is all or nothing. So, be aware that the kind of amicable but with clear boundaries relationship that I am describing here may not happen.

Your mother has cut others out of her life. And, she has shown that she can and will do the same to you.

Your best bet is to let them know that you love them and would love to speak with them, and then move on from there.

 

[Hannathy]

Wishing on a star I just have one thing to ask you...As they say who died and left you boss? Just because it is your opinion it doesn't make you all knowing and right it is JUST YOUR OPINION just like everyone else's thought are their opinion. Time to get off your self appointed pedestal.

 

[ilovejack02]

Hey Wishing.... Move over and let me get on that pedestal with you!!!

I agree everything you just said

 

[CJBaby]

Any parent who would tell a child that they must cut of contact with the other parent has some serious issues and is dead wrong.

Any parent who would just up and cut themselves off from their daughter and their precious grandchildren because they are not 'catered too' and every single expectation met, has some serious issues and is dead wrong.

That's the bottom line here. What kind of a parent cuts off communication from a child or grandchild unless there is a SERIOUS toxic situation going on that requires it?