much better, thanks all.

[Nik's Mom]

i formerly administered homeless assistance and housing programs in california and i would suggest that she remain on the wait list for senior subsidy housing, but make sure that she files a declaration that she is only visiting kansas and that she is retaining her home state as california (and have anyone housing her declare that it is temporary housing).

Thanks for letting me know about this. Good to know. I will definitley make sure that this is taken care of. By the way, how long ago were you in California. Last year, there was a big problem with a local hospital dumping elderly patients with no place to live right onto skid row! It was very sad and disgusting to see the security cameras of this happening. I believe the hospitals involved are being sued. One particular patient that comes to mind was an elderly woman who was just dumped out of the ambulance. She didn't even have her clothes on, just a hospital gown.

Back to the op, good luck to you. I know this must be hard. But in your case, I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship with your parents. It's hard to say this, but sometimes you have to cut your losses.

 

[barkley]

Thanks for letting me know about this. Good to know. I will definitley make sure that this is taken care of. By the way, how long ago were you in California. Last year, there was a big problem with a local hospital dumping elderly patients with no place to live right onto skid row! It was very sad and disgusting to see the security cameras of this happening. I believe the hospitals involved are being sued. One particular patient that comes to mind was an elderly woman who was just dumped out of the ambulance. She didn't even have her clothes on, just a hospital gown.

Back to the op, good luck to you. I know this must be hard. But in your case, I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship with your parents. It's hard to say this, but sometimes you have to cut your losses.

i saw that on one of the news magazines (we moved here from california one year ago this month). that was horrendous and i believe the state and the feds came down big time on those hospitals. one thing i wondered when i watched it was how much the ambulance companies were involved. technicaly the hospitals are'nt supposed to release without a safe discharge plan as mentioned-and the patients that seemed to be affected all appeared to be homeless indigents reliant on the shelters. it's not the norm for any discharged patient to use an ambulance just for the purposes of transportation unless it's medicaly necessitated (and neither mediCAL, medicaid nor most private insurances are going to pay for it unless it's medicaly necessitated)-so i have to wonder weather the ambulance company was somehow for some type of financial gain, advising hospital sw staff that they were transporting to shelters when in reality we know from the videos they were just dumping people (most hospitals contract out these services so they are not their staff).

just being homeless in and of itself is not a reason a person can't be discharged from a hospital in california. it's not illegal to be homeless, and since the california courts ruled that a person has only to declare themself a resident of a particular county to apply for and if otherwise receive public assistance there, there are scores of people who as far as public welfare records are concerned have no fixed address (in the county i worked in we had lots who used our office address for their dss mail, and with the advent of electronic benefits cards they did'nt even need to come in once a month to pick up their checks or foodstamps). i believe the sw's at that county hospital received specialized training on what could be deemed a safe discharge plan for a homeless person.

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[Nik's Mom]

Good for you, Feeling Like Eeyore. I know it's hard, but you really just need to move on for the sake of your own sanity.

 

[Disney Doll]

just being homeless in and of itself is not a reason a person can't be discharged from a hospital in california. it's not illegal to be homeless, and since the california courts ruled that a person has only to declare themself a resident of a particular county to apply for and if otherwise receive public assistance there, there are scores of people who as far as public welfare records are concerned have no fixed address (in the county i worked in we had lots who used our office address for their dss mail, and with the advent of electronic benefits cards they did'nt even need to come in once a month to pick up their checks or foodstamps). i believe the sw's at that county hospital received specialized training on what could be deemed a safe discharge plan for a homeless person.

A safe discharge for a homeless person would be that they have the ability to care for themselves on the street. Generally, younger people are discharged to the street if they are physically capable of caring for themselves.

It is quite true that someone can be discharged "to the street". It happens here in CT too. But an elderly person who has had a stroke and is physically unable to properly care for themselves on the street would not be legally discharged to the street.

The California thing was an abberration, which is why the involved insitutions are beign sued, fined, etc.

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[Disney Doll]

Difficult things to come to terms with, so I am glad you have been able to do so.

FWIW, I have never thought thatfamily should be able to crap all over you just because "they're family". Not the popular response, I know, but...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the update. You sound MUCH BETTER!

 

[winnapooh]

I just read your whole story, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry for all the stuff you've gone through. I kind of understand (though from a different perspective). My sister stopped talking to me after my wedding, 5 years ago. I had no idea why, and it turned out that it was something that someone else said, that had nothing to do with me, other than that it happened at my wedding. She and I used to talk consistently, visit each other, etc. and that all just stopped, no explanation, other than a nasty letter about "how dare I ask family members what happened..." I didn't respond to the letter, I was so shocked and mad that I knew I couldn't do it rationally.

She hadn't talked to me, until last month, when my dad got very sick. She walked into the hospital and started talking to me like nothing had ever happened, like I didn't just miss out on her kids growing up, or on having a sister. It just ended like that. I see some similarities in what you said about your parents and my sister (certain attitudes), and I would say that you never know...down the road some major event could happen, and suddenly you have involved parents again.

As much as I had written off my sister, when she started talking to me I had to pretend that nothing had ever happened...I realized it was the only way to resolve it, as much as I wanted to yell at her for making things my fault, even though I know now for a fact (from other family member who asked her) that I wasn't even involved in the whole mess to begin with!

I hope things work themselves out for you.

 

[DizBelle]

I certainly understand why she's hurt. Do you have children? If not, you can't possibly know how much parents put out for their children while they're raising them. To be shot down after the first suggestion that they help you out in a time of need is very hurtful.

Being honest is one thing, but the way you went about it was wrong, imo.
Others may feel differently than I do, I haven't read any responses, but I think you're in the wrong. I don't really have any advice for you except to give your mom some time and then contact her telling her how much you miss them and want to see them (if this is, indeed, true).

I thought people had children for reasons other than automatically having someone to dump on?

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

A book that I'm reading that has been *enormously* helpful is called: Children Of The Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissitic
Parents by Nina Brown. I didn't even know my parents were narcissists; I had a good friend recommend it to me.

Because although I'm doing well, I didn't have any other options beyond either not being allowed to speak with them at all or having them dictate my life, and this book explained with perfect clarity what's been going on, how to deal with it, and how to prevent bad narcissistic behaviors from carrying on to the next generation.

It's been a HUGE help.

I know, finally, I'll feel very confident when/if they choose to re-establish contact with me that I'll be able to handle it in a way that prevents damage to me, my family, or them.

And I also feel at last, that I'm ready to say goodbye to this thread, also. I would occasionally visit it over the past few years to remind myself of what I was going through and struggling towards, I feel like I don't need to revisit it anymore, finally.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I missed this thread when it popped back up in May.

I just wanted to say that I am going to have to check out that book!!!!
My DH has very narcissistic/controlling parents. I had to learn how to set up boundaries and deal with it without the benefit of this book, and without even the benefit of my DH even seeing how narcissistic and controlling his parents are. Tough road...

Now, even after the fact, I want to read this book to see if it has any insight to other issues with my DH!!!! Maybe it will explain some of the things that have I've seen in our relationship.

It sounds like you have been thru a real journey and awakening.
I am happy to read your update!

 

[DutchsMommy]

Congrats on a, while not happy, satisfied ending! I commend you on recognizing that you can make the difference in your life. All the best in the future.