Mom present in the room during teen's physical

[kaytieeldr]

Considering your child is female, and it was a male practitioner who was unknown to both of you- I would have gone in too. Actually, I'm surprised the doctor didn't have a female assistant to "chaperone" to protect himself against false accusations.

Unless this is an all-girl school, how does that 'protect' the male students?

What's interesting is the doctor merely made a comment, that the OP was the first parent in his twenty years of doing these brief screenings to accompany their child into the room. Unless she's not telling us something, he never said anything negative, he never changed his demeanor, he never indicated she was doing anything wrong...

By the way, the 'not too flattering' position for the spine check was, in all likelihood, the necessary one to ensure the spine is straight. As someone said above, had the mom not been in the room - or if at least she had stood in the doorway observing instead of taking up space in the room itself - there would have been more space for the doctor to view the spine from a distance, plus she'd have seen viewed from a more appropriate angle.

 

[Hannathy]

Our ped has a form for DD to sign saying she wants me to stay. I like that it is her decision. If she didn't want me there, I would have no problem waiting in the waiting room.

OP - I would have gone in with your child.

I'm sorry but I can't believe you stay in the room for the physical part of the exam for a 17 yr old!! Isn't that a bit overboard?

 

[mhsjax]

My hubby takes our boys to the ped, but even then he doesn't stay in the room, our 13 year old would freak. the Dr does tell him to come in once the exam is done and goes over everything with him.

I take our DD to hers, she still wants me in there but she just turned 11. I will stay out when she wants me to.

I have never taken mine to school for a regular physical or a sports physical and I doubt I ever would, but that is me.

 

[Buckalew11]

I can't believe that the doctor put himself in the position of being alone in the small room without an assistent.
I can't believe that he made that comment to you...aloud, how rude. He may have thought it, but to actually comment--what a jerk.

 

[smb6]

My two oldest boys have had to have physicals the last two years for middle school sports (11 and 13). We got them done at our pediatrician, she specifically said I HAD to stay in the room, that she does NOT do physicals without the parent present.

 

[sunnyday123]

DD is only 12,so I still go on. At 17, with a strange Dr. , yea, I probably would have gone in if there wasn't a female assistant. Funny, but there was a pediatrician about a year ago accused of molesting hundreds of children in his office. People jumped all over the parents and blamed them for not being with their children.

 

[mhsjax]

My two oldest boys have had to have physicals the last two years for middle school sports (11 and 13). We got them done at our pediatrician, she specifically said I HAD to stay in the room, that she does NOT do physicals without the parent present.

I can't imagine staying in a room with my son. Ours is a female. At that point she needs to get a nurse in the room. Now my hubby maybe so, but a mom shouldn't be in a room with her son at that age.

 

[Imzadi]

Why was this man there, behind closed doors, completely alone, with children??? (especially teenaged girls)
One would think that any so-called professional would see a potential issue with this.

Why didn't the school insist that a school nurse or teacher/asst. or somebody be involved. Why did the school not take that step?

I don't know, the attitude of the doctor seems a little odd to me.

The whole scenario is odd. Even when I go to my ob/gyn (who is male) before he does "his thing" he calls in a female nurse to observe Just as a liability viewpoint.

I agree, it is standard protocol to have an opposite sex assistant in the room for patients of ANY age. It is also a liability issue, to protect the doctor as well from false allegations.

The doctor was passive-aggressively shaming and critical of the OP. She has a right to be there for her child.

FWIW, it's not usually "strangers" who molest children. It's guys who are in a position of trust, who have spent time "grooming" the children and who are good friends with the parents. You know, it's the guys you trust completely - like your friendly coach, awesome teacher or that beloved family physician who's been seeing them since they were babies.

Yes, and this is first contact with a new doctor who the children are being told to trust. The Dr. could be creating a little list of his own, checking to see how the children respond to him: who is docile, quiet, compliant, has very few boundaries, will allow accidental, close to innapropriate touch without speaking up.

Then later, he shadows the the ones he targets after school. Or they start seeing him at ball games. They recognize him as the school doctor they were told was okay. "Hey Jane, I didn't want to mention it during the exam as there was so many kids in line, but I want to talk to you about a heart murmur I heard. . . that mole I noticed down your spine, etc. . . we should keep an eye on it. Come to my office after school. . . but, don't tell your mom, we don't want to needlessly worry her, until we know more."

The child/teen, already the compliant type to authorities does what he says, including not tell the parents. So, he "watches" the mole or listens to the heart, for months without incident, until he's sure he's got the child's trust built up.

 

[pigletgirl]

I played high school soccer for 4 years...
Our highschool always had a physician that volunteered his time to do the sports physicals for boys and girls. He really didnt so a full on exam for the females, just basically a history, and the vitals. If anything was off you were referred to your private MD. Because of that most of the female athletes just went to their private doctor. As for the guys, he did everything! lol

The doctor was always different each year. It was anyone who would volunteer his time.

 

[disney1990]

DD-13 had a physical for school. The school district offered it to all students, and hundreds took advantage of it (so it was sort of a cattle call). They were all lined up at the high school and led into a small room (almost like a storage closet) in the school's office. While we were in line, I saw the male doctor leading each child into the room and closing the door for the exam. When it was DD's turn, I walked in with her. The doctor said "Wow, this is a first. I've been doing these exams for over 20 years and this is a first". He eventually checked her heart, breath sounds, had her bend over to check her spine (which because it was such a small room, the two of them ended up in a not-so-flattering position, if you know what I mean).

Ok, yes, I prefer to have female practitioners (Dd and I have women dentists, and primaries), but I do understand that to others, it doesn't matter. I wasn't comfortable with sending DD into this room, all alone, with this man that neither of us have ever seen before (even though it apparently is the protocol). Next time, we will just go through her regular MD.

What would some other parents have done in this situation?

ETA: These physicals were done before school started for the year, so no classes were in session).

I don't understand why your DD went at all if she has her own doctor. I would just not sent my child.

 

[Magpie]

I agree, it is standard protocol to have an opposite sex assistant in the room for patients of ANY age. It is also a liability issue, to protect the doctor as well from false allegations.

The doctor was passive-aggressively shaming and critical of the OP. She has a right to be there for her child.

Yes, and this is first contact with a new doctor who the children are being told to trust. The Dr. could be creating a little list of his own, checking to see how the children respond to him: who is docile, quiet, compliant, has very few boundaries, will allow accidental, close to innapropriate touch without speaking up.

Then later, he shadows the the ones he targets after school. Or they start seeing him at ball games. They recognize him as the school doctor they were told was okay. "Hey Jane, I didn't want to mention it during the exam as there was so many kids in line, but I want to talk to you about a heart murmur I heard. . . that mole I noticed down your spine, etc. . . we should keep an eye on it. Come to my office after school. . . but, don't tell your mom, we don't want to needlessly worry her, until we know more."

The child/teen, already the compliant type to authorities does what he says, including not tell the parents. So, he "watches" the mole or listens to the heart, for months without incident, until he's sure he's got the child's trust built up.

Okay, this is WAAAY too much of the "what if". This is the kind of thinking that can only make you crazy. It doesn't do anyone any good. While I support a parent's right to accompany a teenager into a doctor's office, if the teen wants them there, I can not support this kind of fear-mongering. Especially if you let it control your decisions!

For instance, what if the man you married just wanted to breed kids with you so he could molest them? That's as likely a scenario as the one you're worried about. Heck, it's MORE likely. But I bet you don't give your husband the hairy eyeball and refuse to leave your teenage daughter alone with him, do you?

Frankly, when it comes right down to it, the only protection your teenage daughter has is herself. Have you told her never to leave her drink alone? Have you taught her to always speak up if someone is touching her in a way that makes her even the slightest bit uncomfortable? Do you make her pay attention to the news, and talk to her about the stories of rape and molestation? Do you talk to her about sex and relationships regularly?

I was raised to be compliant and totally ignorant about sex. A "good" girl. I was molested, and went to court and the case was dropped because I hit puberty and the D.A. said no one with breasts could be a convincing witness (it was the eighties). So, I've raised my own children be NON-compliant with authority. I've had teachers tell me that my son is polite, but that he doesn't seem to understand that he's not their equal. I don't think that's a problem, frankly. I think it's great!

Kids have to have power, and parents have to have trust. It does kids no good to have their parents hovering over them in a state of constant fear. They have to have the tools to protect themselves. They have to be able to spot danger and make smart decisions.

My 14 daughter goes to a chiropractor. Do I accompany her to every weekly session? No. Is she alone with him in the room? Yes. Have I talked to her about the fact that this man sometimes has his hands on her rear end, when he's adjusting her lower back? You bet! I also keep an eye out for signs of infatuation on her part (which would be the first warning sign that boundaries are being crossed). But as she says (eyes rolling), "Mom! It's totally professional. Jeez, I know the difference."

I'm okay with this, because I know she's okay with this. And because I know perfectly well what the worst case scenario can be, and I've done what I can to arm her against it (and my son, too!).

There are appropriate times to be afraid. This is not one of them.

 

[Imzadi]

Have you told her never to leave her drink alone? Have you taught her to always speak up if someone is touching her in a way that makes her even the slightest bit uncomfortable? Do you make her pay attention to the news, and talk to her about the stories of rape and molestation? Do you talk to her about sex and relationships regularly?

I was raised to be compliant and totally ignorant about sex.

So, I've raised my own children be NON-compliant with authority.

Who said it controlled my decisions? You are projecting a lot.

Not every parent teachers their children this. Many children live in neglect, compliance or without supervision, guidance or teaching them about boundaries, or to speak up. You, yourself said: "I was raised to be compliant and totally ignorant about sex." Why would you think it is any different NOW for some children?

You are projecting your own stuff since your own molestation in teaching your children differently.

Good for you that you teach your kids that. However, your projections do not for fit for what everyone else teaches, or more precisely don't teach their kids. Many have absent, or self absorbed parents. Some live naively with their heads in the sands. Some assume their children will automatically speak up, even though they never taught them how to.

Molesters profile for a certain criteria for victims. Yes, they will take a long time to groom certain children. They think it's worth it, and they DO get away with it. They don't just cop a feel in 5 seconds and are done. The skilled ones, are subtle and patient.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I'm sorry but I can't believe you stay in the room for the physical part of the exam for a 17 yr old!! Isn't that a bit overboard?

Why wouldn't I? Do you see something wrong with it? How is it overboard?

 

[Mary•Poppins]

In my opinion ... he is a professional and I would trust his ability to deal with my child.

I know we "hear" of all these "people" who hurt others ... but most professionals are doing their job. As my children get closer to the age where they go to college, they are going to have to confront situation where I am not there. What a better situation ... where they went in alone with a doctor of the opposite sex ... who is waiting for the next child ... and I am waiting outside the door. Just my $.02.

 

[okeydokey]

Why wouldn't I? Do you see something wrong with it? How is it overboard?

What if your child wanted to speak privately with the doctor? What if they were uncomfortable with you seeing them undressed?

 

[Magpie]

Who said it controlled my decisions? You are projecting a lot.

Not every parent teachers their children this. Many children live in neglect, compliance or without supervision, guidance or teaching them about boundaries, or to speak up. You, yourself said: "I was raised to be compliant and totally ignorant about sex." Why would you think it is any different NOW for some children?

You are projecting your own stuff since your own molestation in teaching your children differently.

Good for you that you teach your kids that. However, your projections do not for fit for what everyone else teaches, or more precisely don't teach their kids. Many have absent, or self absorbed parents. Some live naively with their heads in the sands. Some assume their children will automatically speak up, even though they never taught them how to.

Molesters profile for a certain criteria for victims. Yes, they will take a long time to groom certain children. They think it's worth it, and they DO get away with it. They don't just cop a feel in 5 seconds and are done. The skilled ones, are subtle and patient.

When you give me a ridiculous scenario such as "stalker doc", then I have to assume that this is actually a real fear for you.

I do think we agree on certain points, particularly about molesters.

However you went way over the top with your "what if" scenario. I found it frankly offensive. Because if we were to seriously consider "stalker doc" as a real possibility, then we couldn't leave our children alone with anyone - not even their own fathers.

Heck, mothers abuse their children, too!

Wasn't there an episode of South Park about this...? I believe the adults eventually decided the only way to keep their children safe was to send them all far away - whereupon they promptly joined a Mongol Hoard.

 

[DisGirlAllie]

Honestly, as a teenage girl, going in the room without my mum would give me the creeps.

Just saying.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

What if your child wanted to speak privately with the doctor? What if they were uncomfortable with you seeing them undressed?

Did you actually read what I wrote before you commented? I don't think so.








FYI DD does NOT get naked, she is wearing her underwear.

 

[Imzadi]

Why wouldn't I? Do you see something wrong with it? How is it overboard?

In college, my roommate wanted me to stay in the exam room with her for moral support, when she got a tampon stuck. This was at the college health center. They didn't have a GYN, just a young, general GP, who wasn't very socially saavy. He couldn't for the life of him figure out how and when a tampon could get stuck and kept questioning my roommate.

She was so embarrassed and couldn't think straight. Since I was there, I made up some lame excuse about applicators that he bought. My roommate was so glad I was there.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would have required another adult female (I.e. A nurse) if they didn't allow me to go. If anything, it protects the male practitioner and the patient.

I had mastitis when my baby was 2 weeks old and went to urgent care. I had all the kids with me (too sick to scrounge up childcare--I needed meds, stat!). The male doctor needed to look at my bare breast to check for the infection and he had a female nurse with him in the room. This was to protect both of us.

Sorry--I will not send a minor in a room with a male doctor alone. And for intimate examinations, my physicians--especially males--have always permitted a female nurse present. So it isn't overbearing for a parent to want to sit in or require a nurse for a private exam by a doctor. It seems common sense to me.

I cannot believe that a male physician would do such a thing in a high school or that the high school allowed it. Good for the OP to not be naive!