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[StitchesGr8Fan]

Part of it is being impatient, and part of it is I fear he will roll up astronomical bills because of his health during that 2 year period. One divorce lawyer here told me generally once things are filed the finances are separate, but that is not a guarantee.

I even had one lawyer tell me that if he encounters all these costs and we are divorced, they MIGHT try to come after me even if we are not married. He didn't say they would, but they might try.

He's going to rack up these bills whether you are separated or not. At least if you are separated there is a chance you might not be responsible. It seems like you want a divorce NOW and your life to be better NOW. Unfortunately it's not possible. But at least if you separated you would have some peace for the next 2 years while you wait.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

But if her DH (the person getting the disability cheque) is in a facility (which is being paid for by the government), why would the OP get the disability cheque (or a caretaker cheque - since she wouldn't be a caretaker)?

I can't think of any scenario where they would receive that check. I can't make sense out of much of this from what I know of how disability and disability payee's work here in the US.

 

[Frozen72]

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[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, that makes no sense.

Unfortunately, it looks like that there is a lot that the OP is saying that does not really make sense.
Which is very concerning.

 

[Frozen72]

I can't think of any scenario where they would receive that check. I can't make sense out of much of this from what I know of how disability and disability payee's work here in the US.

Honestly, I don't know.... this is just what the lawyer told me. I was just wanting to see if I could find a way to get his nursing home paid for (if I could get him in there permanently) by Medicaid. He told me, "not only can I do that, but I can get you this as well'....for about $2500 he could set me up. Maybe he was just a crook, maybe he was correct. I believed him when he told me. It has something to do with being the "community spouse".

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

So, you are just sick of taking care of and assisting your disabled husband? The negatives involved in all of that are too great so it's time to move on? Is that what you are saying?

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I want my old life back. That isn't going to happen. I guess now I want a life where I do not have to clean up messes all the time, not spend all my time back and forth to doctors appointments, I want live in a pleasant environment.

As far as the impatience, I guess I want my freedom quickly. But you are right, maybe I am not impatient because I have been digging myself in deeper every day that passes. I guess I am just trying to avoid facing reality.

You aren't going to get your old life back. At least not overnight. However you can rebuild your life, but you have to be willing to make the adult decisions necessary. No one is going to rescue you or hand you a bunch of money. You have to make the decisions and sacrifices yourself.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Honestly, I don't know.... this is just what the lawyer told me. I was just wanting to see if I could find a way to get his nursing home paid for (if I could get him in there permanently) by Medicaid. He told me, "not only can I do that, but I can get you this as well'....for about $2500 he could set me up. Maybe he was just a crook, maybe he was correct. I believed him when he told me. It has something to do with being the "community spouse".

Okay, honestly you either misunderstood him or he needs his law license taken away.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I want my old life back. That isn't going to happen. I guess now I want a life where I do not have to clean up messes all the time, not spend all my time back and forth to doctors appointments, I want live in a pleasant environment.

As far as the impatience, I guess I want my freedom quickly. But you are right, maybe I am not impatient because I have been digging myself in deeper every day that passes. I guess I am just trying to avoid facing reality.

OP, your life, and your daily living environment can begin to change, very very quickly, the moment you decide to 'walk'.
One step at a time.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm not one to advocate divorce on the internet when I don't know all the facts. But it seems you yourself have already headed down this path. The details in your situation are going to be very tricky depending on your individual circumstances, and only your lawyer can advise your properly, but, if you're worried about being responsible for his bills than wouldn't a legal separation lay the groundwork for eventual divorce? And anything that happens after that date looked at by the court to determine whose responsibility it is? Maybe something to ask your lawyer.

I would also caution you, once you go through all this, that you're very careful not to wind up back in similar circumstances with someone else. Unless you get yourself together, there is a high likelihood of that happeneing because you haven't worked on you and figured out why and how you've allowed this to happen. If you don't work on your issues you can find yourself doing the same things all over again, it's uncanny.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A big 'ditto' to Pea-n-Me above.

 

[Frozen72]

I looked into legal separation to separate the finances... the lawyers scoffed at that one. They said a legal separation in this state (which is very rare anyway) will keep the finances tied together anyway. So that option is out the window.

I am not saying I am without fault... yes in fact this is my 2nd marriage and I am obviously not good at this marriage thing. My first divorce was out of absolute immaturity on both our parts. If either one of us had acted like an adult we would still be married. The things we were fighting about were so silly and we both need our butts kicked. I will be happy to admit I was being young and stupid. It was a short marriage, we didn't have anything to divide, it was a very simple thing to get it undone. (as simple as it could be).

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I'm not one to advocate divorce on the internet when I don't know all the facts. But it seems you yourself have already headed down this path. The details in your situation are going to be very tricky depending on your individual circumstances, and only your lawyer can advise your properly, but, if you're worried about being responsible for his bills than wouldn't a legal separation lay the groundwork for eventual divorce? And anything that happens after that date looked at by the court to determine whose responsibility it is? Maybe something to ask your lawyer.

I would also caution you, once you go through all this, that you're very careful not to wind up back in similar circumstances with someone else. Unless you get yourself together, there is a high likelihood of that happeneing because you haven't worked on you and figured out why and how you've allowed this to happen. If you don't work on your issues you can find yourself doing the same things all over again, it's uncanny.

Financial obligations, along with medical bills, can be stipulated in any separation agreement. If she truly wants to leave him then a legal separation is clearly the first choice if she wants to be protected by law.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I looked into legal separation to separate the finances... the lawyers scoffed at that one. They said a legal separation in this state (which is very rare anyway) will keep the finances tied together anyway. So that option is out the window.

I am not saying I am without fault... yes in fact this is my 2nd marriage and I am obviously not good at this marriage thing. My first divorce was out of absolute immaturity on both our parts. If either one of us had acted like an adult we would still be married. The things we were fighting about were so silly and we both need our butts kicked. I will be happy to admit I was being young and stupid. It was a short marriage, we didn't have anything to divide, it was a very simple thing to get it undone. (as simple as it could be).

I'm really starting to question the legal professionals you've spoken to. One of the main considerations for a legal separation is to stipulate financials.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It sounds like there was either some bad advice, misunderstanding, or some combination of the two.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all ship our burdensome family memnbers off to a nursing home when it all becomes too much, while we continue to enjoy the same income we had as before?

Hereyago, how did that work for you during those tough years when you cared for your mother??

Frozen, it's really not possible for Medicaid to pay for your husband's nursing home care and you get to keep his disability check. Basically, if he goes into a nursing home and you don't get a job, you're screwed. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but that's just (very likely) the reality.

If you move on, you will need to get a job, plain and simple. Not saying this is a reason you shouldn't leave, but I wouldn't spend a lot of effort on what you mentioned here as it's just not reality.

 

[Frozen72]

@Goofy Disney Dad

https://www.illinois.gov/aging/CommunityServices/Pages/ccp_spousal-impov.aspx

The internet kind of backs up what the lawyer told me. I know for a fact he sat right there and said "you can receive his disability check", I was taking notes.

Am I going to exercise this option? I don't think so. Did I entertain the idea of it? Yes I did.

 

[Frozen72]

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[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

@Goofy Disney Dad

https://www.illinois.gov/aging/CommunityServices/Pages/ccp_spousal-impov.aspx

The internet kind of backs up what the lawyer told me. I know for a fact he sat right there and said "you can receive his disability check", I was taking notes.

Am I going to exercise this option? I don't think so. Did I entertain the idea of it? Yes I did.

The protected income would be HIS disability income. I'm not giving you legal advice, but I can assure you that someone is very, very wrong in their interpretation of what you cited as far as how it would apply to what you've written here.

Also, it involves the protection of ASSETS not income.

 

[SirDuff]

@Goofy Disney Dad

https://www.illinois.gov/aging/CommunityServices/Pages/ccp_spousal-impov.aspx

The internet kind of backs up what the lawyer told me. I know for a fact he sat right there and said "you can receive his disability check", I was taking notes.

Am I going to exercise this option? I don't think so. Did I entertain the idea of it? Yes I did.

I don't see anything there that backs up your statement. Your husband's disability cheque is not *your* asset - and that link refers to protection of the community spouse's assets.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I looked into legal separation to separate the finances... the lawyers scoffed at that one. They said a legal separation in this state (which is very rare anyway) will keep the finances tied together anyway. So that option is out the window.

Yes, but you said you were concerned he'd rack up bills and you'd be responsible for them. What I'm saying is that if he does, after the date of your legal separation, then they *may* be considered his own responsibility. Not totally sure (and I guess one can never predict how a judge will rule) but if you go into it "in good faith" (and keep your own nose clean) then that should look favorably for you later on.

I am not saying I am without fault... yes in fact this is my 2nd marriage and I am obviously not good at this marriage thing. My first divorce was out of absolute immaturity on both our parts. If either one of us had acted like an adult we would still be married. The things we were fighting about were so silly and we both need our butts kicked. I will be happy to admit I was being young and stupid.

Many people realize that later on, which is exactly why the self part is so important.