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[Wishing on a star]

I just looked at that info.
And, yes, there might be certain cases where this would apply.
Most probably when both parties are elderly/impaired individuals.

You do not seem to elderly or significantly physically impaired.
Something tells me you would not meet the criteria to qualify for these kinds of additional funds.
It sounds like you could keep a home, and earn a certain amount of income.
But I would be VERY VERY VERY shocked to know that a young and able bodied person were to receive those kinds of funds.

I don't believe you would meet the criteria/definition of 'impoverished'.

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I just know what the lawyer told me. He was willing to do it for $2500. He said it would be 10 hours of work @$250 per hour. He "does this all the time". NOW... he could be using that as a means to drain every bit of money we have and be like "oh sorry, I just couldn't do it, not my fault". I guess that is a real possibility that I did not find an honest lawyer.

From this point forward, no matter what you read about laws, consider his disability income HIS income, and not a shared asset or shared income. I simply will not work that way.

 

[Bec3b1g]

Frozen, make sure and research fully the program you linked. From a quick search, the CCP of Illinois is federally funded and only applies to those over 60.

 

[RitaE]

You do realize that you don't have to accumulate an entire slate of permission to walk out of that situation right? You don't have to get the permission of the lawyers and your father and his family to walk away.

Let's pretend (and it is pretending because it is not true), that you can NEVER legally divorce your husband. Why does that mean that you have to stay right there in that place with him? Walk away. Get a job. Rent your own apartment and then spend the rest of your life married to a person you never see. Which you won't do because a divorce will eventually happen. It might take years, but it will happen if that's what you choose.

Let them "come after you" for his medical bills if they want. What do you have that they could possibly take from you if you filed for bankruptcy? The house is gone and you don't need his disability check. The reason you don't have a job is that you have to care for him. Once you don't have to care for him, you can get a job. If you have any sort of retirement assets they are usually protected in a bankruptcy. As is a car.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I just know what the lawyer told me. He was willing to do it for $2500. He said it would be 10 hours of work @$250 per hour. He "does this all the time". NOW... he could be using that as a means to drain every bit of money we have and be like "oh sorry, I just couldn't do it, not my fault". I guess that is a real possibility that I did not find an honest lawyer.

That $2500 is a retainer fee. So he can legally work for you.

 

[Frozen72]

When we were both working, I actually made more money than he did... yea that was a sore spot in our marriage. I guess that is beside the point. Anyway, the offer was tempting, I thought it was too good to be true, but if he told me that, it must be (or so I believed). No I am not over 60, I am 43. Yes I could work IF I actually had any time to do so. I know it was bad of me to see this dangled in front of me and think WOW, this is an easy way out. I wonder how many others can say they wouldn't be tempted.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

When we were both working, I actually made more money than he did... yea that was a sore spot in our marriage. I guess that is beside the point. Anyway, the offer was tempting, I thought it was too good to be true, but if he told me that, it must be (or so I believed). No I am not over 60, I am 43. Yes I could work IF I actually had any time to do so. I know it was bad of me to see this dangled in front of me and think WOW, this is an easy way out. I wonder how many others can say they wouldn't be tempted.

Please take this advice. His "income" is from the federal government and has an unbelievable amount of protection from being taken from him. If you plan to move forward in a divorce, or you plan to put him in a home in order to gain access to that monthly "income", it would be a huge mistake. It simply won't happen and I can't explain it further than that.

 

[Frozen72]

The idea was very tempting. $X.amount per month. This area is an economic black hole, it is not as if I can find a job making anything in this area and unlikely I could meet my bills without those funds. I am not trying to joke or be funny. The economy here is abysmal.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yes, it's sort of a catch-22 that many people struggle with.

Go to nursing home and burden is relieved, but you have no money.

Keep him at home, and you have this burden.

Many, people struggle with the exact same thing (as we've all said here) and of course would be tempted by such a plan when looking at all options.

Unfortunately, it's not a realistic option for most.

Which is why it's still a good idea for your to look at ALL your options.

If he wasn't so spoiled and nasty and non-complliant and rude then maybe his home situation wouldn't be so bad?? I guess only you can answer that. If it were the case that he was more disabled, but complaint and nice, would that be a more agreeable situation to you? If so then you have some work to do on yourself and your husband. (Although admittedly it sounds like it would be a rough road for both of you tryingh to change things.) But perhaps if he knows you are serious about changing and/or leaving, then he might be more willing to change himself. The thing is, that if you start it, you have to follow through. Cause if you don't, then he knows how far he has to take it next time to make you back down and he'll likely do it again. You may decide this is something you really don't want to deal with anyore, and that would be your prerogative. But many people wish later on that they'd tried harder or done things differently, etc. Just trying to get you to see a gray area (figure out what you can do to make it work) than one or another as black and white (divorce or stay as is). There can be a middle ground. I wish you luck with your decisions.

 

[RitaE]

When we were both working, I actually made more money than he did... yea that was a sore spot in our marriage. I guess that is beside the point. Anyway, the offer was tempting, I thought it was too good to be true, but if he told me that, it must be (or so I believed). No I am not over 60, I am 43. Yes I could work IF I actually had any time to do so. I know it was bad of me to see this dangled in front of me and think WOW, this is an easy way out. I wonder how many others can say they wouldn't be tempted.

That disability check is a tiny tiny little tree in a great big forest but it is a symptom of just how convoluted your thought process is right now. People ask you, why don't you leave? and your mind starts in "Disability check, my Dad, the lawyers,his sister" etc etc etc.

Deep inside yourself is a person who know all of that is just static noise. Breaking out of this cycle is going to take major courage on your part because as absolutely terrible as everything is right now, it is at least a terrible that you know and what is out there if you should leave this place in your life might be a horrible terrible that you can't even imagine. And yeah, you tried to leave before and it failed. That's over. If you choose, you can put it in the past and try again, but it is really just another piece that you keep thinking about and it is a little whisper in your ear trying to convince you that it is hopeless.

You are so beaten down and discouraged that you keep thinking that if you try to change it, it will be even worse. I would say you are traumatized and you are scared.

 

[Frozen72]

If he treated me halfway decent, I would want to help more. He still has his moments, and it can just be small things that make me feel like I am still in love. However, those moments are fleeting. The reality is, I simply cannot work and take care of him. It is a full-time job. Somebody brought up the state paying me to be his caretaker...good idea but I read that spouses are exempt from being paid to do that. His family is not going to help. The handwriting is on the wall. The idea was for us to all be together in this, everybody could pitch in what they could and help. Nope... they all have their own lives, and that leaves me here alone with him.

It is like when somebody ties up every moment with doctors appointments etc... it leaves you no go out and earn any money. Employers are not going to allow you to take off as much as I need to take off.

I used to teach, I had been there a long time and had more leave accumulated than I could ever use. If I had not been tenured, I know they would have fired me for missing so much. In fact they started slamming me on evaluations etc... and giving me so much extra to do that it was obvious they were pushing me right out the door. They made it hard enough on me that I quit without incident. They didn't want me there, I was more of a liability than an asset. Somebody had to sit in the surgery waiting rooms as my husband had 3 surgeries in one month. Somebody had to take him to all those doctors appointments. My husband alienated all of our friends so it all fell on me to do this stuff. It required me not missing work. Yes I took off more time. There were a couple days when I was having panic attacks when I woke up and thought I would die if I went to in and tried to face the stress of dealing with a classroom. Yes I got sick, I had a 101 fever and simply could not work. This didn't stop my husband from making me go try to get his pain meds refilled early for him. I was sooo sick and I drove 30 minutes to try to get his prescription filled and then they wouldn't do it because it was too early. I don't think that is enabling him, it was the fact it was easier for me to drive that far just to NOT be yelled at. Sorry ranting.

 

[morgan98]

If you want a divorce, why is living apart for 2 years a problem?

This is how I see it as well. Get him into a facility if you can, file immediately, move out (or move to somewhere there is support for you), and get a job. Then, don't be manipulated by his family. I know is sounds daunting, but you really have to start somewhere.

You are already financially doomed, so it seems. Even if his medical bills force you to file bankruptcy, there are worse thing is life. Like continuing to live like you are living for example.

Your depression is also a huge issue, as others have said, get yourself on some medication, it doesn't have to be permanent. You need something (besides wine) to lead you out of where you are now.

 

[Colargol]

OP, you remind me so much of my mother. She has spent the last 30 yrs being misreable, and having every excuse under the sun why she can not take actions to improve her life. She is still waiting for 'someone' to fix her life, not realizing that the only person who has the ability to change anything in her life, is herself.
Family and friends have given her multiple advice and chances, but it is like she is clinging to her misery, as the alternative would mean having to change herself. Much easier to just complain about the misery.
(And she stuffers from untreated depression, but there is no way she will see that that is part of the problem)


If you truly want change you can not let your DHs doctor apointments stop you. Or bad advice given by lawyers.
So seperation takes 2 yrs - so what?
So you will not be able to keep DHs income - but why is that even a topic if you don't want it anyway? - you're young and will be able to get a job.
So his family are of no help and his sister is a thief (if i understood you correct) - not your concern, is it? Let your DH deal with them.

What you need to focus on is taking care of yourself. Not by drinking wine, but by going to the doctor. If divorce is what you want, then go ahead with it. If having your husband in some care is what you want, then start the process.
Everything is better than living your life in misery and do nothing but complain about it.

 

[PlutoPony]

IF you want to divorce your husband (and I'm not telling you to do that), get a divorce attorney you trust and move on with that. Tackle that first, understand what you have to do, timing, etc., and get the ball rolling. IF this is the way you want to proceed, it's something that should be able to be started very quickly. The steps the attorney advises will likely affect how you proceed with getting your husband situated for a future on his own. But take care of the getting the divorce started first, make sure you understand the process and follow it to.the.letter.

I would NOT go down the path to getting your husband situated until you understand what you can and cannot do for the divorce. Multitasking may cause you to get conflicting legal advice for these 2 activities (divorce and disability / care for your husband) because you have 2 different people with differing goals. Keep that in mind.... anyone who talks with you about your husband's situation is advocating for HIM not you. And that's the way it should be. YOU and you alone have YOUR best interests at heart.

Good luck

 

[RitaE]

You can not control whether or not he treats you better. You can not control whether or not his family does more.

Turn it around. Nobody else can control what you do. Just as your husband has choices, and his family has choice, you have choices. I can't make them for you. Your husband can't make them for you. Your Dad, your family, and the lawyers can't make them for you.

It's up to you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You are so beaten down and discouraged that you keep thinking that if you try to change it, it will be even worse. I would say you are traumatized and you are scared.

The thing is, though, that we don't know if her thinking is a result of being "beaten down", if it was there before all this happened, or if it's a combination of the two. Probably the latter. And no question her current mental state is affected, even clouded, by her negative emotions now and the drinking. Not having a clear head combined with all this other stuff and little support, it's no wonder she's not thinking clearly.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I also wonder how her husband's mental state plays into all of this as well. You two should be on the same team, but it seems both of you couldn't be further apart. You're dealing with the negative aspects of caring for someone you see as not helpful and abusive. He's dealing with the reality of his disability and how he will live his life moving forward. Neither of you are in a healthy place mentally from what you've written here, but I don't agree that walking away is the solution. It may be, but I'm not convinced. It really doesn't matter what my opinion is because you're the only one that has to live your life, but you did ask for ideas so I'm giving mine. You both made a lifelong promise to each other and it seems to me that the going has gotten hard, for many reasons, and walking away sounds appealing to you. I don't agree with that stance. Just my opinion.

 

[macraven]

Yes, I can file for divorce and hope he doesn't contest it. I can roll the dice and take whatever comes up and that option is becoming the most obvious I believe. I just don't want a nasty thing to be dragging on for a long time. Of course it is dragging on and on and we are still married. I just know that in this state, there is a requirement to be separated 2 years before a divorce will be granted. UNLESS, both parties will waive that requirement. If he wants to fight me on this, I am looking at a very long battle, but it may be a battle I am going to have to put on my big britches and just do it.

if your husband can't get off the couch as you say, and can't fix his own food, etc, how is her going to get up, get dressed to go through the process of hiring a lawyer.
if you are not going to help him do that, how is he going to seek and hire a lawyer?

i wouldn't worry about the 'what ifs' on the situation.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

if your husband can't get off the couch as you say, and can't fix his own food, etc, how is her going to get up, get dressed to go through the process of hiring a lawyer.
if you are not going to help him do that, how is he going to seek and hire a lawyer?

i wouldn't worry about the 'what ifs' on the situation.

It doesn't seem there is enough money in this situation for anyone to fund some sort of "long drawn out legal battle". It seems that money, or lack of money, is one of the reasons she hasn't left him yet, so a legal battle is the last of the worries in my opinion.