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[Bec3b1g]

After your update, I think I understand more of your situation. I kindly suggest therapy to figure out why you enable behavior that is ruining your marriage. This is as much about you as him.

 

[Lynne M]

OP, the wine is not 'self-medicating'. Depression is often a biochemical disorder (just like your husband's diabetes), and you may need a medication that will correct the biochemical problem (just like diabetes). Wine can't do that. It may well make things worse. It's not going to fix anything. You are not going to feel better until you get real, professional help.

We all get it. You're overwhelmed. Any of us would be. But in a sense, you're doing the same thing your husband is, in refusing to accept and treat an illness that is fixable.

One of the key features of depression is that voice in your head saying "Why should I bother getting treatment? It won't help. Nothing will help." The illness is keeping you from seeing the situation clearly.

Call the doctor's office as soon as they're open, and tell them you want to get treatment. The way out of all of this starts with just one phone call.

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[NewRVLady]

. I guess it is somewhat silly to worry about the cost of stuff, but I do.I do not know how much if any he has paid on this.

wow-OP -didn't realize he lost part of a leg-
but scary is you are not up on your family's finances-that sure needs to change ASAP

 

[PlutoPony]

But you didn't answer my question - why are you enabling him NOW.
I don't mean with just the food. Enabling is doing ANYTHING for / to him that is not in his best interests.
That includes doing things for him that HE CAN DO FOR HIMSELF. Like get off the couch, etc.

So again, why are you enabling him? What do you hope will happen when you enable him??

 

[ariel71]

I am leaning towards trying to get him Medicaid and having him put back in a home. From what I have talked to a Medicaid lawyer before and what I have read, the assets for me (the community spouse) are well under the limits of what I would be allowed to retain.

Honestly I worry a lot about the money thing. If I call an ambulance and have him taken to an ER when he has one of these fits, well that's gonna add up quickly. One of his family members did this, and a 20 mile ambulance ride cost $1000. I guess it is somewhat silly to worry about the cost of stuff, but I do.I do not know how much if any he has paid on this. I really do like the idea of like a timeout when he acts that way.

I can swear on everything that is holy that I did try in the beginning to save him. I was an absolute beast when it came to restricting his diet. I counted out those carbs, I was so strict and I did everything humanly possible to save him. Unfortunately, at some point during all of this, he got dehydrated (because he was so depressed over me not letting him have what he wants). Due to the dehydration he lost circulation in his leg (which had previously been saved by two surgeries with a doctor saying "I don't know how it worked, but it did"). This time circulation was restored to most of the leg, but he lost all the toes. I felt a bit like it was my fault for pushing too hard, but I still stood firm. My summer vacation had ended by then, and I was back to work and I had to enlist the help of friends and family. They told me that he was pushing them for forbidden items and they said NO. He acted horribly towards them, so they refused to help anymore. One of them said "you are an adult, whatever I'll get you what you want" and told me that's what they did. His family members also smuggled him contraband. I knew there was some cheating going on, but I didn't realize the degree of it. He lost circulation in the leg again. This time the doctor was not able to save it. I guess at that point, I kinda gave up and felt very defeated. I took this very hard, but my conscience was 100% clear that I did everything I could to save it. I just failed. This is where I gave up. I will admit that this is where I became an enabler. I guess I thought the worst that could happen did happen. I figured the easy thing to do was give him what he wants and hope for the best.

Fast forward a matter of months.... surgery to save his other leg. The doctor said, "I don't think I can save it, but I will do everything I can". They ran tests, did dye tests etc... the doctor then said "I can do this". The surgery was a success... Deja vu anyone?

I apologize for being annoying to some for venting all this. I agree about finding therapy for myself. I think it is a good idea. I have just been caught in this black hole for a long time. I guess some may ask, "What do you hope to accomplish by posting all of this"? It is just that this seems to be my safest outlet, and if I do not let off a little steam I will just blow up.

No, the worst that can happen is that you're both in an early grave, and currently you're both helping to dig the other's. Or at the very least, living a life of misery in the meantime.

I can't speak for the others, but I think I'd be remiss in just letting you have a "safe outlet" and leaving it at that. Doing so would be the same dangerous enabling that you're showing with him and is not in your best interest. This is an abusive, unhealthy, toxic relationship. Please get help now.

 

[RitaE]

So what happens when you "blow up?"
If you mean you get angry, get fed up, tell him you're done with the dysfunctional cycle of destructive behavior you two have going on ... and you pack a bag and turn the responsibility of him over to somebody else who can keep a clearer head about this situation ...and you go stay with a family member while you get a lawyer, a job, and get your own place to live.

I vote for blowing up myself.

As for the money. I'll be blunt. You have left your job and you're living in low income housing on his disability check and your life will now apparently be fetching him calzone and dairy queen, and then fetching him his medications to treat the damage done by the calzone and dairy queen. It's madness times 20. Another $1000 ambulance bill doesn't matter because financially, you are already at rock bottom and you are going to sit there until you choose to climb out. I've said it before but I'll mention again. You are way too young for defeat. You are intelligent. You are competent. It doesn't matter if Medicaid will let you have part of his disability check to live on because ---- you can take care of yourself. It doesn't matter if your husband will agree to sign divorce papers, because you can decide for yourself whether or not you want to remain married to him.

And as for your husband, he is young too. But you cannot fix him. He's going to have to battle his demons himself and take responsibility for what he's doing to himself, or his body will eventually give up.

A good lawyer will walk through this but I have to tell you, a bankruptcy is not the worst thing that can happen here. It's pretty much just making official where you are already at in your life. You deserve better than this status quo. I would bet that your husband probably also deserves better but whether or not he chooses better is up to him.

Blow up. Let change occur.

 

[Skywalker]

OP, the wine is not 'self-medicating'. Depression is often a biochemical disorder (just like your husband's diabetes), and you may need a medication that will correct the biochemical problem (just like diabetes). Wine can't do that. It may well make things worse. It's not going to fix anything. You are not going to feel better until you get real, professional help.

We all get it. You're overwhelmed. Any of us would be. But in a sense, you're doing the same thing your husband is, in refusing to accept and treat an illness that is fixable.

One of the key features of depression is that voice in your head saying "Why should I bother getting treatment? It won't help. Nothing will help." The illness is keeping you from seeing the situation clearly.

Call the doctor's office as soon as they're open, and tell them you want to get treatment. The way out of all of this starts with just one phone call.

I was going to say the same! I totally agree. OP, you have an illness that needs to be fixed, just as your husband does, except you are demonizing him for his illness and denial, while YOU are doing the exact same thing. The consequences aren't as immediate and as physical, but it is the same thing. I might sound harsh, but that is okay because you don't know me and I don't know you so take it for what its worth, but to me you are riding along right in tandem with your husband on this ride, manipulating and controlling and sabotaging each other all the way, except you have chosen the role of victim and martyr and assigned him the role of villain. I think you should seek treatment, meds, therapy, whatever, divorce this man and he can deal with getting the help he needs and you both get a fresh start in life. Stop pulling each other down.

 

[cabanafrau]

I stand by what I've previously written and will say this, if you can't riddle out why you're exhausted from bathroom cleanups and emergency loads of laundry after taking him through the White Castle drive thru on the way home from rehab I don't know what could possibly get through to you.

p.s. the fire burning down your life is now at least a five alarm and officially designated 0% under control. Might be a really good time to stop pouring gasoline on it.

 

[stitchfan75]

OP, you are being abused and you need to take the steps to rescue yourself.
What you describe is the same as trying to save a drowning person but you are now drowning with them...and you're also putting rocks in your pockets to go down faster.
The only lawyer you should be seeing is for a divorce and during that figure out what to do with him.
His behavior is not just depression, he sounds like he has borderline personality disorder and you are obviously an empath. This WILL kill you eventually. He will try to make you feel like you are Satan. Don't buy into it, hold up your head and get out of there knowing you tried harder than 95% of the people out there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, my heart goes out to to you.
I can't imagine how painful and how completely powerless you might feel.

But, everyone here is right. If you actually got in your car, upon his command, and got him a stromboli....You are complicit here.
This is almost more about YOU than it is him, at this point. Especially given your relatively young age.

OP, a drowning person WILL take you down with them.
So will a mentally unstable and depressed and suicidal person, very purposefully, take others down with them. (make no mistake, this man is committing a slow suicide)

I will give you my example, which perhaps I should not, but since this was many, MANY years ago, in my days of youth... I feel it does not reflect on me now. I will simply recant the facts. My first serious boyfriend, who I was with for nearly three years, was diabetic. He was NOT like your husband at all, with all of the other issues. But, he simply did not want to fully face up to the realities of such a physical condition. Especially at this young age. Two awful things happened. One of which was, because his blood sugar was not well controlled and he went into low blood sugar while driving and was in a very bad accident. He ended up in the hospital, where it took major, major, efforts to get his system back to any kind of moderate level of control. Thank goodness, nobody else was involved in the accident, or injured or killed. Nobody lost their life. I did not leave him that day, but that was when I knew that I could not spend any more of my future on this man. That my future and well being, emotionally, financially, physically, etc... could not be placed at risk. I did leave him.

I do hope that you can continue to move forward, and go thru the steps to do what you know you HAVE to do at this point.

And, I am sending more hugs!

 

[OceanAnnie]

OP, your posts actually shows a lot of clarity in regard to the past, the issues as they were and are in the present, and how those issues impact your DH and yourself. You lose clarity when it comes to the future. It seems like you are denying yourself the vision of where you and your DH are headed. You are smart enough to know. I'm sure you don't like to acknowledge it. It's like a horror movie playing out. I am sorry this is the life you and your DH are living.

Sometimes people get caught up in roles, what love should be, perceptions of right and wrong, and permutations of saving a loved one that is difficult to save. There are those that defer making decisions for whatever reasons, accepting what fate has dealt them, they've grown comfortable with the uncomfortable, or can't see the forest for the trees. It seems like you have a few of these issues but I don't know exactly which ones might apply.

Everyone has a breaking point where they know they can do no more. Do this for yourself-- Start planning for your breaking point. It will help your DH because it could lay the ground work for a transition. It will help you too to have something to hold on to.

The man is not only refusing to help himself he's defeating himself with unhealthy choices while putting you in the driver seat to accelerate those choices. Re-read your posts and ask yourself, "If a friend came to me and told me a story of such misery and pain what would I advise her to do?" Then be that friend to yourself. I wish you well with it all.

 

[Disney Doll]

Call an ambulance next time he can't get off the couch or messes himself and needs to be cleaned up. Tell them he is in an unsafe situation because you are unable to care for him if he is in that state, and clearly if he is unable to get off the couch or clean himself, then he is unable to care for himself safely.

After he is admitted to the hospital begin to make and got admission to a long term care facility for him. He is not getting better.

Speak to the attorney regarding the advice he gave you which you shared in one of your previous posts. Or file for divorce.

If you don't choose to change your situation then you're choosing to remain in it.

 

[belle032]

OP, when you started this thread, what responses did you expect? You have pages of amazing advice, words of support and empowerment, and tons of well wishes and prayers. Yet it seems like you refuse to truly hear any of it. Every single person who has posted is encouraging you take the same steps, steps that seem like common sense at this point. You vent (which I understand) about a husband that sincerely does absolutely nothing for himself, but you seem to be the same way. Get him in a long care facility or divorce the man or walk out. Just DO SOMETHING. Better yet, do all of these things, get yourself into therapy, and then a trip to Disney.

He's playing you better than a puppet on strings and he knows it. Even worse, he doesn't give a damn how it affects you. Remember that marriage bond about undying respect and love? It's so broken at this point, it's not even funny. This man will drain you dry until you are nothing but a shell of misery and depression. He won't even bat an eye while he does it. I'm sure you two had many happy years as a couple. But if he continues this abuse (and yes, that's exactly what it is) feel free to remember those fond memories as you wave goodbye at him in the rear view mirror.

To make a long story short, GROW A BACKBONE and stick up for yourself. It may sound harsh, but until you make the decision to change, your situation never will.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There is so much to say here.

I have also dealt with this type of scenario with people in my own family, and, as a hospital nurse, I can tell you that we see this type of thing pretty frequently.

I think posters here have done a GREAT job of outlining the issues an offering succinct advice. It does seem pretty clear.

Just some random thoughts as I was reading.

All these events to him are just as much about his desire to prove, yet again, that he can make you do something you don't want to do as it is about getting the food or whatever.

Hence, the control issues I was speaking of before. Absolutely.

Do you want to do best for your husband and yourself? Sign him over to be a ward of the state and let Medicaid and a nursing home take care of him. Seriously at this point that is what is best. Don't go the attorney route unless you intend to sign away care giver privileges. Let the nursing home/skilled nursing unit send out the home health nurse and do the evaluation for Medicaid and placement for help.

You are not doing yourself or him any good. It's easier to just drive through the fast food than fight about it and I get that because you get tired of fighting. But as a caregiver that is going to truly do the best for the patient, you have to strive to do the best for that person even when the patient doesn't want to do that. I fight this fight with my own mom and her wishes versus what is best. I know how difficult this can be and tiring and emotional.[/B]

I agree lmg. BUT the thing is: unless he is deemed incompetent then he has the right to make his own decisions, even if those choices are to his detriment. In other words, even if we all know that certain things are in his best interests, if he's competent to choose, then we can't force him to comply. This is why I mentioned the psychiatric evaluation earlier. If he is evaluated by a psychiatrist and deemed incompetent to make his own decisions, then he can be forced. Otherwise, it is what it is. People don't have to enable him by helping him, but if he wants to go to White Castle and Dairy Queen three times a day, then it's his prerogitive to do so.

And getting someone in a nursing home isn't that easy. (And I'm not sayting this to you directly, but speaking generally.) People just can't decide to go into a nursing home when they become a burden to themselves or to others. They have to actually require skilled care, aside from the issue of paying for it. Now in his case, it sounds like he has enough serious medical problems and disabilities that actually going in may not be too difficult if his doctors determine a "need". But most people can't just choose willy nilly to go into a nursing home, as some have seemingly made it seem here.

So, I have an ugly question to you? Why are you still enduring this? Is it because of the cycle of abuse?

My guess is that she doesn't know why, and that her own backgrould may be dysfunctional (perhaps she herself was abused?), so that she never learned what normal is. It can be a hard cycle to break.

I can swear on everything that is holy that I did try in the beginning to save him. I was an absolute beast when it came to restricting his diet. I counted out those carbs, I was so strict and I did everything humanly possible to save him.

You are not completely responsible for management of your husband's disease.


I'll say it again. You are not completely responsible for the management of your husband's disease.

I was going to say the same! I totally agree. OP, you have an illness that needs to be fixed, just as your husband does, except you are demonizing him for his illness and denial, while YOU are doing the exact same thing. The consequences aren't as immediate and as physical, but it is the same thing. I might sound harsh, but that is okay because you don't know me and I don't know you so take it for what its worth, but to me you are riding along right in tandem with your husband on this ride, manipulating and controlling and sabotaging each other all the way, except you have chosen the role of victim and martyr and assigned him the role of villain. I think you should seek treatment, meds, therapy, whatever, divorce this man and he can deal with getting the help he needs and you both get a fresh start in life. Stop pulling each other down.

So true. OP, first thing to do is put the wine away. It's not helping anything, and could be making things worse. Get some real help. You are, unfortunatly, part of the problem here and you need to develop some insight into why and to try to learn some skills and coping techniques so your life can get better. Without help you're going to be trapped in this negative cycle forever. In time, if your stress load doesn't change, it can and will affect your health, too.

You should really think about talking to a therapist and get going again with the MD if pills have been recommended. It seems that you really need someone to talk to and help you sort this out, other than here. There is no shame in that. Really, until you do, your doing nothing but spinning your wheels. It's easy when you have a few good days to put all that on the back burner, but look at the larger picture, these issues will not go away. I hope this all works out for you, it can and will.

Nicely said, Art.

 

[diznygirl]

Another vote for blowing up and making some changes. Stop enabling his behavior. He does it because you allow it.

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[Art 1]

Take lots of long walks, or ride a bike if you have one.

 

[mom2rtk]

Of course his family makes excuses for him. If you leave he becomes their problem.

 

[Bec3b1g]

I guess I don't understand why you feel like you can't walk away, if even for just a week to regroup. It is not your job to drive him to medical appointments. What were to happen if you went to visit family or friends out of town for the week? What would happen if you had an illness and stayed in the hospital for a week? Would he die on the couch? Surely there are services or family that he can call on.

You aren't trapped. You're just not seeing all of your options.