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[Lynne M]

You aren't trapped. You're just not seeing all of your options.

That's depression. I have a friend who suffers from it who says that it's like trying to see out through a dirty window. You can't see everything that's on the other side, and what you can see is so gray and hopeless that you don't see a reason to go outside anyway. And the physical symptoms sap your energy until just thinking about making the effort to get help is exhausting.

The solutions we're suggesting for the OP seem very straightforward to us, but sound impossible, un-do-able, to someone with untreated depression. And especially so to someone who's completely physically and emotionally exhausted from caregiving.

 

[bsblady01]

can you have a home health aid come in and take care of him

 

[Allison]

You are getting the same guidance now as the other times you have posted about your situation. People here have been great and there is really nothing new to be said. You don't need more ideas. You know your options. The only person who can change this is you. It doesn't matter what the nurse said, it doesn't matter what the appointments are, it doesn't matter what his family is doing. Stop making excuses and try to make changes or accept this is the way you have decided to live.

I wish you well.

 

[NewRVLady]

its easy to give Internet advice-but no one knows what you have been thru

My SIL "gave up" on her health-mainly because her DH(my DH's brother) was dealing with years of depression, addition to pain meds and overall craziness-and constantly yelling at her. It trickled down to my poor older MIL-whom he ranted at often. Unreal stress in the family. He was constantly threatening to kill himself. it drove my poor MIL nuts
His wife gave up on caring for her health (diabetes) and suffered a Diabetic heart attack and died at a relatively young age.
then he was really alone-having alienated his kids

 

[RitaE]

Why do you stay? Why do you stay? Why do you stay?

The reason people keep asking you this isn't because we demand that you give us a good acceptable reason for your situation. It's because until you gain some clarity on this situation on why you, yourself are allowing this to happen, then it doesn't matter what we say, what your friends and family say, what his family says, what more attorneys say, what the medical people say … or any of it. There is not another single person in the world you can fix this for you. Just like your husband has the right to choose what food he puts into his body, you also have the choice to live how you choose.

You're just perpetually cycling with lots of words and angst over how things are, but never, ever much in meaningful action, and in the end you are simply still in the same spot.

Why do you stay?

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I'll never forget watching my grandma as she cared for my grandpa as his physical and mental health deteriorated. It was heartbreaking and enlightening all at the same time to see such love and commitment to another person. She went through so much and I'll never forget seeing such love of another. We should all be so lucky.

Good luck with what you decide to do. I'm sure none of it is easy.

 

[Frozen72]

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[teller80]

I have spoken with one before and he said he could get it arranged to where I would receive his disability funds (all but like $30) and Medicaid would cover the facility costs. I would also be able to work and earn up to a certain amount.

Are you sure about this? It doesn't sound right to me - the government will cover all nursing home expenses AND let you keep basically the whole disability check plus let you work? Even if this is correct, I assume it's only if you're married, if you get divorced you wouldn't get any portion of the disability funds.

You are still very young, you have a lot of great years ahead of you. I think your depression issue is not allowing you to move forward. Fear of the unknown vs. staying in an abusive situation is a big part of whats driving you. Hugs.

 

[mnrose]

I don't get why you CAN'T get divorced. That part makes no sense to me....unless what you want in the divorce just isn't realistic. You absolutely can get divorced...take what is personally yours and leave. Start over. Get a job. Support yourself. It is totally doable. However, if you think you can get his disability income as part of the divorce, that's where things are gonna get dicey. And, perhaps thats why no lawyer would touch your case.

But, honestly, if all you want is your freedom from this marriage, that is possible.

 

[Frozen72]

Yes, I can file for divorce and hope he doesn't contest it. I can roll the dice and take whatever comes up and that option is becoming the most obvious I believe. I just don't want a nasty thing to be dragging on for a long time. Of course it is dragging on and on and we are still married. I just know that in this state, there is a requirement to be separated 2 years before a divorce will be granted. UNLESS, both parties will waive that requirement. If he wants to fight me on this, I am looking at a very long battle, but it may be a battle I am going to have to put on my big britches and just do it.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

What exactly do you want? I'm still not sure what that is based on all that has been said in this thread.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Yes, I can file for divorce and hope he doesn't contest it. I can roll the dice and take whatever comes up and that option is becoming the most obvious I believe. I just don't want a nasty thing to be dragging on for a long time. Of course it is dragging on and on and we are still married. I just know that in this state, there is a requirement to be separated 2 years before a divorce will be granted. UNLESS, both parties will waive that requirement. If he wants to fight me on this, I am looking at a very long battle, but it may be a battle I am going to have to put on my big britches and just do it.

If you want a divorce, why is living apart for 2 years a problem?

 

[SirDuff]

Yes, I can file for divorce and hope he doesn't contest it. I can roll the dice and take whatever comes up and that option is becoming the most obvious I believe. I just don't want a nasty thing to be dragging on for a long time. Of course it is dragging on and on and we are still married. I just know that in this state, there is a requirement to be separated 2 years before a divorce will be granted. UNLESS, both parties will waive that requirement. If he wants to fight me on this, I am looking at a very long battle, but it may be a battle I am going to have to put on my big britches and just do it.

I don't understand why the length of time for the divorce to be official is a problem. The, possible, two years waiting could be no worse than the next two years will be if you don't start divorce procedures. How will starting divorce proceedings make the next two years worse than they will be anyway?

 

[Frozen72]

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[Frozen72]

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[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

This is what an "elder lawyer" told me... of course he was wanting a good amount of money to set it up. Yes, we would have to be married for this to be the case. As far as getting the checks AND working. Anything over (I am thinking $2700 total) a month Medicaid would keep.

Your income or ability to work plays no part in his disability payments from the US government. Now, if you are getting something as a caretaker from this same disability then what you describe might apply. Only one of you is disabled and can't work, and I believe that is him, right? Your wages have absolutely nothing to do with his disability income if so.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry OP, as hard as you say you have tried, none of what you said is convincing.
You need a lawyer in YOUR state.
It is a given that a divorce with the legal and financial issues involved, and laws differing from State to State, that no State would never grant this kind of divorce. And, that is a huge guarantee if anything, at all, is contested.

You know what you need to to do.

If these threads on the DIS are not going to help you with some clarity and some resolve, etc... then, this is all useless. And, you should just resolve to stay where you are. NOBODY can make that decision except for you.

It makes me very sad to think that, since you have given up everything, included your employment, etc.. to be where you are, you have already made that decision, and where you are right now at this moment is where you have chosen to be, and where you will stay.

PS: If you are married, and $4000.00 dollars were stolen, there is the very real possibility that that money could have been considered stolen FROM YOU. If your husband was complicit in that money ending up in her pocket, of course, that is a whole different story. In which case, nothing was stolen, at all.

 

[SirDuff]

Part of it is being impatient, and part of it is I fear he will roll up astronomical bills because of his health during that 2 year period. One divorce lawyer here told me generally once things are filed the finances are separate, but that is not a guarantee.

Sorry, that makes no sense. If you were actually impatient you wouldn't keep waiting around to start the divorce. And, if you stay married, those health bills will definitely not be separate.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

What exactly do you want? I'm still not sure what that is based on all that has been said in this thread.

 

[SirDuff]

Your income or ability to work plays no part in his disability payments from the US government. Now, if you are getting something as a caretaker from this same disability then what you describe might apply. Only one of you is disabled and can't work, and I believe that is him, right? Your wages have absolutely nothing to do with his disability income if so.

But if her DH (the person getting the disability cheque) is in a facility (which is being paid for by the government), why would the OP get the disability cheque (or a caretaker cheque - since she wouldn't be a caretaker)?