Meanest Mom in the World alert

[MariDisney]

It's cool that you are okay with it, it doesn't work for me though. Birthdays are the one day a year that people who love you show you that you are worth celebrating, that you are worth putting some effort in to feel special.

I'm curious, do you have kids? If yes, do you plan on treating birthdays the same way for them? I am honestly just wondering, no judgment implied.

Yes, I have a 10 year old. We acknowledge birthdays in our house, but we do not make a big deal. She has had parties some years, other years no. We live far from relatives so she's never had grandparents or aunts/uncles involved in the actual day. Although some years if we've had a party they have come. Some years if we have had a party they have not. We usually go out to dinner and do a gift and cake if no party. When she turned 10 we had no party.

I don't see birthdays as a big deal. Everyone has one. We are a very loving family, but just don't make a big deal about one specific day. We DEFINITELY put effort into one another every day of the year. The actual birthday is no big deal. Now, that said when we've been in WDW on her birthday we have noted it on the ADR, etc. We don't go out of our way NOT to make a big deal. We just don't go out of our way TO make a big deal either. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

[Tiger926]

Why didn't the daughter curb her behavior when threatened to lose her party? Possibly because that's common for kids to behave. As I've already said, kids push boundaries to see if what you threaten will actually be done. In this case, it was. It doesn't have to be about inconsistent discipline or lack of motivation, etc. Kids are not innocent little creatures who don't know how to push the boundaries. They test and continue testing. They test from very young ages. The OP did well in following through in what she told her daughter would be the consequence. What would have been wrong would be threatening a consequence and then giving in...THAT shows the child she can get away with pretty much anything because mom and/or dad is going to let her have her way. And even if the child lacks motivation, I'm really not sure how that would effect anything. Lack of motivation doesn't exempt them from the consequences. A lack of motivation doesn't suddenly mean they've lost all knowledge of right and wrong. Perhaps you'd give different consequences to your own child...though I'm not sure if you have any...you've only mentioned being a teacher, which is a lot different than being a parent. Not trying to be snarky there, I just haven't seen anything on it. Consequences dealt are not the same in a classroom as they would be at home. You may not understand why the OP chose what she did, but obviously the OP knows her daughter well enough to understand that this consequence was the best choice.

I am a parent - I wouldn't be commenting in this thread, if I wasn't a parent.

We'll have to agree to disagree - if the consequence was enough of a motivator, and losing a party for a 10 year old is pretty huge, I don't believe she would have continued to test. It would have been motivation enough, as it brings with it embarassment from friends, lack of presents, etc., and that alone with that age group is usually enough of a motivator in and of itself. Motivation is a very tricky and confusing subject, and one that is studied highly for teachers, and should be for all parents as well.

Our hope as parents is that we raise children who have their own internal motivation to do things - when they struggle with that, as they will at certain developmental stages or if they have behaviour or learning disorders, parents/teachers must go to the toolbox and figure out how to motivate them. For parents, it's usually punishment, for teachers, that's not the case. I teach the most at-risk, highly challenged kids in the school, and they do the best in my class - it's a classroom that is full of mutual respect, structure, reasonable consequences and no punishments.

For most parents, consequences and punishments are usually mutually exclusive, yet for teachers, they are not. As teachers, we aren't allowed to punish, but we do enact discipline and consequences that we hope will teach internal motivation. I have seen the positive results of it at school, and here at home. It doesn't always work though, as I mentioned, and so I am continually trying to work out what to do when kids aren't motivated by anything. It happens with certain kids, and in certain areas (my own kids included), and in my experience, not much will motivate them at that point, including removal of a party. Only time will tell if the OP made the right choice and she'll know based on her daughter's behaviour from this point forward.

Tiger

 

[a1tinkfans]

No, no, of course we are getting her presents and she will have a family party with a cake (tiger themed as she requested ) but she wanted a party with her whole class, something we have only done one other time. We had it all set, a "Wizarding Party" but she is just too disrespectful and sassy to have that privilege. Believe me, we gave her many chances, talked about consequences, pointed out when she was being disrespectful and told her she needed to stop, but she has not made any attempt to behave. It is killing me but I feel like we have to make a stand or get walked over for the next 10 years.

I guess its the Live and LEARN experience, she will likely NOT forget!
Hang in there mom, many more like you, out there!

 

[C.Ann]

You never get anything in your past back. It's not as if the kid isn't having some sort of birthday celebration. She still is. Just not the grandiose one she had been expecting. This is not going to scar her for life, especially considering that her parents are still choosing to have some type of celebration for her. It's showing her that she made a choice to keep acting a certain way and her parents made a choice to give her a consequence for her actions.

She's not losing her birthday, she's losing the privilege of having TWO parties, specifically the one with her friends. She still gets a celebration with people who love her. Why do people keep missing that part?