Maybe I'm just overprotective? - Update #49

[MichelleVW]

It certainly doesn't shock me. I would've definitely called, but there are so many parents of my DS's that just don't seem to care.

Or they trust their children.

 

[Carlyzmom]

But what if your DD never showed you the invitation because she thought you might say no to the trip?

Well, then she wouldn't be going. I wouldn't let my kid go off with someone without knowing the details.

 

[Hannathy]

Or they trust their children.

Yep

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Well, then she wouldn't be going. I wouldn't let my kid go off with someone without knowing the details.

Yeah, and she couldn't possibly just make up the details?

 

[mhsjax]

YOu can only trust your kids so much. They are supposed to make mistakes. OUr job is to make sure the ones they make aren't fatal. I don't and won't use that frame of mind to not be involved in what my kids do and where they go. I want details, I want proof. If they can't provide it, they don't go. It is very simple. As long as they live here, they answer to me.

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

My daughter's 14th birthday party was supposed to include dinner and a show about 40 minutes from our town as well. The girls who were invited verbally RSVPed as well. I made my daughter call each girl (they are all in her cell phone so contact info wasn't an issue) and specifically ask if their moms or dads wanted to speak with me about the arrangements. Even then, I suppose they could NOT actually ask their mom and dad, but at least I tried. Turns out they all had to call me anyway when the day of her birthday, a giant blizzard hit the area and shut down the restaurant and theater we were supposed to visit.

 

[MichelleVW]

YOu can only trust your kids so much. They are supposed to make mistakes. OUr job is to make sure the ones they make aren't fatal. I don't and won't use that frame of mind to not be involved in what my kids do and where they go. I want details, I want proof. If they can't provide it, they don't go. It is very simple. As long as they live here, they answer to me.

My kids answer to me too....but I still wouldn't be calling the parents of their friends. I can look at the invite and see what it says. Also, my kids have proven to me over the course of their lives that they don't make it a habit of lying to me. So, if they say they are going somewhere, that's pretty much where they are going.

 

[mhsjax]

My kids answer to me too....but I still wouldn't be calling the parents of their friends. I can look at the invite and see what it says. Also, my kids have proven to me over the course of their lives that they don't make it a habit of lying to me. So, if they say they are going somewhere, that's pretty much where they are going.

And I agree with this, if I see the invite I am good. Now my kids are not that old yet. The oldest just turned 14. then 11 and 10. So they have my trust now, but when they become true teenagers I will have to wait and see how it goes.

We only called for the one party because there was no official invite and we didn't wan to drop the kids off when they weren't wanted, or if there really wasn't a party. turns out there were no invites and it was a spur of the moment thing. The mom understood completely why we called, we didn't know her at all, and didn't know her kid either, plus this was a boy inviting 2 11 year old girls for a holloween party. so yeah, we checked it out. It was all good.

PS. My mom never thought I lie to her either, never gave her a reason to doubt. I wasn't late for curfew ever, never a minute's problem. I confessed after I was married, and she "what, little miss goodie 2 shoes lied to me" She was beyond shocked. Same with my friends, all upstanding Honor roll, AP class loving nerds. Lied through our teeth on a few occasions and none of our parents ever found out, well except after my confession at the age of 25.

 

[piperdown]

OP here...I told DD to text her friends to have their parent(s) call me. I received calls from every parent within an hour. It turns out that all the parents were told about the concert by their kids.

It does make me feel better that I have confirmation from all the parents, and they are aware that we will be going out of town.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

Before I would be taking several teenagers out of town to a concert and stuff, I WOULD be talking to their parents. It's just the way I am. I do the same thing when dd11 tries the "oh, I talked to soandso and she said her parents said..." um...no..I'll talk to the parents thank you.

 

[Hannathy]

Before I would be taking several teenagers out of town to a concert and stuff, I WOULD be talking to their parents. It's just the way I am. I do the same thing when dd11 tries the "oh, I talked to soandso and she said her parents said..." um...no..I'll talk to the parents thank you.

Is your 11 yr old your oldest? I would bet they are. When the kids get into high school you do not call the parents. I know it is hard to imagine but by the time kids are driving you don't arrange their playdates .



And see OP all the kids had told their parents and had permission. as it should be, there was no problem. You will be getting less parent phone calls not more as the years go on.

 

[Carlyzmom]

Yeah, and she couldn't possibly just make up the details?

I'm just saying that parenting requires diligence. You have to KNOW what they are doing. And CHECK on them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't agree that it is the OP's responsiblity to verify that parents are okay with her plans. She made up invitations with the info on there and sent them out, they had her number and asked for an RSVP *to that number*. That puts the ball firmly in the other parent's court IMO. Now, if you want to be sure you will have guests, OP, you may have to nail down the parents to get an answer.

It isn't just you, OP, and it isn't overprotective. It is a thing called common courtesy. You are offering to take their kids on an expensive trip, they should have the manners to call and thank you and let you know their DD will attend. They should also want to let you know that they have an interest in their child's activities and that they are entrusting their daughter to you to take out of town. I don't think people even know there is a meaning for RSVP anymore, they just think it's some random grouping of letters or something. It should be covered in a class........hmmm, like a MANNERS class

I disagree. Common courtesy is RSVPing--which all of the girls did. I have never heard that an in person RSPV if you see the party host (the DD in this case) is not acceptable and you MUST call the number. That is just silly. If the mom felt she needed to speak with parents herself then she should have included on the invite that she would like a personal call from each parent to clarify logistics before the trip or something to that effect.
My kids are 14 and 12. All RSVPs for the last 3-4 birthday parties went through the kids with the exception of one parent who had to work on a Sunday and emailed me to see if her son could stay later (no problem). This is one of those many little things you hand over to your kids so that by the time they are adults they have had everything handed over to them and know how to function without you.

It's because people have no manners.

My DDs birthday we invited 20 kids. TWO RSVPd....even after phone calls, nothing. Some showed some didn't I was disgusted.

I agree with you, I would call and talk to the parents. I would not let me daughter in car for a long drive like that without knowing the parent.

I hope you have a great time.

Lisa

The situation you describe at your party shows poor manners on the part of invitees. The OP's situation does not. Again, all of the girls RSVPd directly to the OPs DD.

Maybe the girls didn't show the invite to the parents, they just said so and so is having a b-day party at her house, can I go? LIAR. I dont trust any teenager much, I want written proof of where they are going, or I am calling the parent. Even my DD best friend, and her mom is one of my BFF's told me exactly what they are doing, if I didn't know her I would be questioning what they are doing. I do know her and have for years so in this case I don't question, they take my DD down to WDW with them frequently. but anyone else I didn't know. I would want to see the invite, or I would be calling the parent.

do you honestly think the teens couldn't create in invitation on someone's computer (written proof) to show you that has whatever you will okay on it If you think they will lie anyway, why think they will only lie verbally?

It is if she gets hurt while out of town with you.

Nope. The parent did her part--she provided written invites with all of the information. If a child is hurt it is not her fault that the child and that child's parents ha issues.
I will say i would require every kid to get me a parent's phone number before we left, in case of an emergency--but I would not be calling and speaking to the parents--just having a list handy.

Really? You, as a parent, wouldn't get mad at some strange woman for taking your child out of town without your permission? Then even madder if she were hurt in an accident of some sort? I know that I would blow a gasket. My wrath would not be directed solely at my child.

I think it is entirely reasonable to assume that is the child is brought to the party you have given your permission for them to be there. If the party invite did not say they were leaving town you would have a right to be angry at the host parents, but if the invite said that--then no you have only a right to be angry at your child for not being truthful or at yourself for not finding out what the party is about.

So your DD comes home she says that someone you don't even know is having a party and can she go, you don't even ask to see an invitation? I mean I wouldn't RSVP for her, but I would want to see an invitation.

I told my parents I was going to a girls house to a party, I was old enough to drive. I lied. And I was the good, responsible, rule follower. As were my friends, shoot one is even a judge now, but we were tens then and did stupid things that could have killed us or gotten us into serious trouble, I don't even want to tell you what I did. I was lucky I didn't die trying to get home. Sorry, but I must see written proof of an invite and that is is a legit party, then she can rsvp. Again, this is from my receiving end, not as the one giving the party.

Again--easy enough for the kids to print out an invite. Mine make up and print out their (legit) ones with no help from me
Anyway, yep I trust my kids. When the weather is nicer it is not at all uncommon that DD14 calls after school to say that a group of them are going walking downtown, taking the train to another town to visit the castle or botanical gardens, going mini golfing, etc. I assume she is telling the truth and am happy she is out and having fun with her friends--and I enjoy the bevy pf photos that crops up on facebook that night

And I agree with this, if I see the invite I am good. Now my kids are not that old yet. The oldest just turned 14. then 11 and 10. So they have my trust now, but when they become true teenagers I will have to wait and see how it goes.

We only called for the one party because there was no official invite and we didn't wan to drop the kids off when they weren't wanted, or if there really wasn't a party. turns out there were no invites and it was a spur of the moment thing. The mom understood completely why we called, we didn't know her at all, and didn't know her kid either, plus this was a boy inviting 2 11 year old girls for a holloween party. so yeah, we checked it out. It was all good.

PS. My mom never thought I lie to her either, never gave her a reason to doubt. I wasn't late for curfew ever, never a minute's problem. I confessed after I was married, and she "what, little miss goodie 2 shoes lied to me" She was beyond shocked. Same with my friends, all upstanding Honor roll, AP class loving nerds. Lied through our teeth on a few occasions and none of our parents ever found out, well except after my confession at the age of 25.

I actually didn't lie to my mom. We are all different, and our kids are too. I am sure my kids WILL lie some, but hopefully not too much. Maybe they will feel less compelled to do so since they know they have a lot to lose (ie--my trust which they currently have). DS12 has a friend whose parents are fairly strict. This friend is always findin ways around the rules and his excitement is clearly not about doing the things themselves but about having put one over on teh parents (most recent case he figured out the PIN to the parental controls for internet and his DS. It is obvious from his reaction that he is not that interested in the sites he is visiting, but he like the thrill of knowing he should not be visiting them---of course I called his mom that night and let her know and that PIN will magically change in a few days; she is giving it time so he does not realize where the info came from--she loves that he hasn't figured out how sound travels in my house and lots and lots of good info is gleaned). We have no parental controls and my son doesn't go to such sites because they are "boring"

OP here...I told DD to text her friends to have their parent(s) call me. I received calls from every parent within an hour. It turns out that all the parents were told about the concert by their kids.

It does make me feel better that I have confirmation from all the parents, and they are aware that we will be going out of town.

I am glad you feel better now. It sounds to me like your DD has good friends who are polite (all RSVPd) and honest

 

[aprilgail2]

YMMV. I don't operate that way. I make/made it my dd's responsibility to do all that stuff as they got older. My oldest is 19, youngest is 14.

Now if a parent wants to talk to me, that is fine too.

.

My daughter is 10 and as soon as she got into Jr. High this year it was her job to handle her own party invites and RSVPing- I have gone beyond the point of calling the other parents!

 

[mhsjax]

I disagree. Common courtesy is RSVPing--which all of the girls did. I have never heard that an in person RSPV if you see the party host (the DD in this case) is not acceptable and you MUST call the number. That is just silly. If the mom felt she needed to speak with parents herself then she should have included on the invite that she would like a personal call from each parent to clarify logistics before the trip or something to that effect.
My kids are 14 and 12. All RSVPs for the last 3-4 birthday parties went through the kids with the exception of one parent who had to work on a Sunday and emailed me to see if her son could stay later (no problem). This is one of those many little things you hand over to your kids so that by the time they are adults they have had everything handed over to them and know how to function without you.


The situation you describe at your party shows poor manners on the part of invitees. The OP's situation does not. Again, all of the girls RSVPd directly to the OPs DD.


do you honestly think the teens couldn't create in invitation on someone's computer (written proof) to show you that has whatever you will okay on it If you think they will lie anyway, why think they will only lie verbally?

Nope. The parent did her part--she provided written invites with all of the information. If a child is hurt it is not her fault that the child and that child's parents ha issues.
I will say i would require every kid to get me a parent's phone number before we left, in case of an emergency--but I would not be calling and speaking to the parents--just having a list handy.

I think it is entirely reasonable to assume that is the child is brought to the party you have given your permission for them to be there. If the party invite did not say they were leaving town you would have a right to be angry at the host parents, but if the invite said that--then no you have only a right to be angry at your child for not being truthful or at yourself for not finding out what the party is about.

Again--easy enough for the kids to print out an invite. Mine make up and print out their (legit) ones with no help from me
Anyway, yep I trust my kids. When the weather is nicer it is not at all uncommon that DD14 calls after school to say that a group of them are going walking downtown, taking the train to another town to visit the castle or botanical gardens, going mini golfing, etc. I assume she is telling the truth and am happy she is out and having fun with her friends--and I enjoy the bevy pf photos that crops up on facebook that night

I actually didn't lie to my mom. We are all different, and our kids are too. I am sure my kids WILL lie some, but hopefully not too much. Maybe they will feel less compelled to do so since they know they have a lot to lose (ie--my trust which they currently have). DS12 has a friend whose parents are fairly strict. This friend is always findin ways around the rules and his excitement is clearly not about doing the things themselves but about having put one over on teh parents (most recent case he figured out the PIN to the parental controls for internet and his DS. It is obvious from his reaction that he is not that interested in the sites he is visiting, but he like the thrill of knowing he should not be visiting them---of course I called his mom that night and let her know and that PIN will magically change in a few days; she is giving it time so he does not realize where the info came from--she loves that he hasn't figured out how sound travels in my house and lots and lots of good info is gleaned). We have no parental controls and my son doesn't go to such sites because they are "boring"

I am glad you feel better now. It sounds to me like your DD has good friends who are polite (all RSVPd) and honest

YOu have a point on the computer invites. Didn't give that much thought. However just because you didn't lie, doesn't mean your kids won't/ I would say that 99.9 percent do. ANd I was the goody two shoes.

Now it is great that your kids go off down town you live in a foreign country, maybe things are different, I f my kids called and said they were going down town, that would be an hour ride. So really you can't compare where you live as the example by which to live. Sorry.

We don't have parental control on anything either, and shock. I walked in on my son around 1:00 am on a Friday night and he was watching, Wait for it, The Military Channel. What does that have to do with anything. I trust my kids, but I will keep tabs on where they are going.

When they get old enough to drive and their friends are old enough to drive, I will do like most parents around here. I will limit where they go and who they go with and how many they take. Studies show that I think over 3 teens in the car and their chance of getting in an accident goes way up. Also not being in a foreign country and completely out in suburbia, we don't have busses at all, shocking I know. They do now ride their bikes to the local McDonalds and the gas station for snacks. I have no problem with this, my 9 year old even does this with his big brother, and with no sidewalks and a very major street. But guess what, if a party comes up and I don't know the person, me and all the other parents I know will be checking it out.

OUr kids travel in packs, they have been together forever and we live in what we call our "little bubble" I have never seen anything like it anywhere. We all know each other and if we don't then someone else does. The parents here do go behind and check things out. So We are all good. YOu can raise your your way and I will raise mine my way.

PS I am glad the OP got her situation taken care of. Which is really what all this is about.

 

[golfgal]

At that age we pretty much got details from our kids about parties, etc. If I felt I needed more information, I would call but chances are we would have just touched base when the parents picked the kids up or we dropped them off. When they are in 7th grade they are capable of dealing with details like that.

 

[NHdisneylover]

YOu have a point on the computer invites. Didn't give that much thought. However just because you didn't lie, doesn't mean your kids won't/ I would say that 99.9 percent do. ANd I was the goody two shoes.

Now it is great that your kids go off down town you live in a foreign country, maybe things are different, I f my kids called and said they were going down town, that would be an hour ride. So really you can't compare where you live as the example by which to live. Sorry.

We don't have parental control on anything either, and shock. I walked in on my son around 1:00 am on a Friday night and he was watching, Wait for it, The Military Channel. What does that have to do with anything. I trust my kids, but I will keep tabs on where they are going.

When they get old enough to drive and their friends are old enough to drive, I will do like most parents around here. I will limit where they go and who they go with and how many they take. Studies show that I think over 3 teens in the car and their chance of getting in an accident goes way up. Also not being in a foreign country and completely out in suburbia, we don't have busses at all, shocking I know. They do now ride their bikes to the local McDonalds and the gas station for snacks. I have no problem with this, my 9 year old even does this with his big brother, and with no sidewalks and a very major street. But guess what, if a party comes up and I don't know the person, me and all the other parents I know will be checking it out.

OUr kids travel in packs, they have been together forever and we live in what we call our "little bubble" I have never seen anything like it anywhere. We all know each other and if we don't then someone else does. The parents here do go behind and check things out. So We are all good. YOu can raise your your way and I will raise mine my way.

PS I am glad the OP got her situation taken care of. Which is really what all this is about.

I don't think I ever said others could not raise kids their way I only meant to point out that many young teens have parents who can and do trust them to handle the party arrangements SO, while it is the OP's "way" to always call a party host's parents herself, she should realize that is not the way many other parents are and that does not mean the other parents do not care about their kids--it just means they handle the trust things differently. Like you yourself say, you have never seen anything like "your little bubble" anywhere else--so would you expect others who are not a part of that to automatically do things the same way you do? I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent of a tween or teen calling to check things out--but I also don't think it should be expected that they will.

I think the only thing I did point out as not making sense to me for any parent is the idea that you do not trust your kid to TELL you the truth but you are fine with show you a print out. I would say either trust them or don't but it seemed odd that if you think they would deceive you would not think they would print something out to deceive you (and maybe you need to be aware of that, just like my son's friend's mom needed to be aware that her son knows the PIN for the parental controls).

I have only lived in Germany two years--and you are right that it IS different. The kids can have more freedom because there is ample public transit. In the US we lived very rurally. From home all they could get to on their own was the woods behind the house and a neighbor. My point was---even without advanced warning and phone calls to parents, I am good with my kid making her own social plans and letting me know what is going on--I do not feel a need to call and double check with the parents. In the US that might have meant my DD would tell me she would go home from karate with her friend and need me to pick her up from the friend's house the net morning at 10:00. Here is is calling to say she is heading downtown with Izzy and will be home 2 hours late.

Yes, I know that just becuase I never lied doesn't mean she never will (though the reverse is also true). However, having never been given any reason not to trust my kids why would I start from the ASSUMPTION that they will screw up. Most kids will live up or down to your expectations--I would rather mine live UP to mine We are forever swapping around computers in this house depending on which one is near at hand or has the photos on it we want or whatnot--so I would stand a decent chance of seeing if they were visiting places that bother me (at least as much of a chance as a parent who believes they have it blocked off and has a sneaky kid circumventing controls and sweeping histories). Likewise, as DD's friends all tend to post photos of their days on facebook (and her best friends have friended me for some oddball reason) I would likely figure out if she lied about where she was faster than someone who THINKS they have checked everything out and KNOW for sure (I have known paretns who will lie for otehr kids).

 

[mhsjax]

I don't think I ever said others could not raise kids their way I only meant to point out that many young teens have parents who can and do trust them to handle the party arrangements SO, while it is the OP's "way" to always call a party host's parents herself, she should realize that is not the way many other parents are and that does not mean the other parents do not care about their kids--it just means they handle the trust things differently. Like you yourself say, you have never seen anything like "your little bubble" anywhere else--so would you expect others who are not a part of that to automatically do things the same way you do? I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent of a tween or teen calling to check things out--but I also don't think it should be expected that they will.

I think the only thing I did point out as not making sense to me for any parent is the idea that you do not trust your kid to TELL you the truth but you are fine with show you a print out. I would say either trust them or don't but it seemed odd that if you think they would deceive you would not think they would print something out to deceive you (and maybe you need to be aware of that, just like my son's friend's mom needed to be aware that her son knows the PIN for the parental controls).

I have only lived in Germany two years--and you are right that it IS different. The kids can have more freedom because there is ample public transit. In the US we lived very rurally. From home all they could get to on their own was the woods behind the house and a neighbor. My point was---even without advanced warning and phone calls to parents, I am good with my kid making her own social plans and letting me know what is going on--I do not feel a need to call and double check with the parents. In the US that might have meant my DD would tell me she would go home from karate with her friend and need me to pick her up from the friend's house the net morning at 10:00. Here is is calling to say she is heading downtown with Izzy and will be home 2 hours late.

Yes, I know that just becuase I never lied doesn't mean she never will (though the reverse is also true). However, having never been given any reason not to trust my kids why would I start from the ASSUMPTION that they will screw up. Most kids will live up or down to your expectations--I would rather mine live UP to mine We are forever swapping around computers in this house depending on which one is near at hand or has the photos on it we want or whatnot--so I would stand a decent chance of seeing if they were visiting places that bother me (at least as much of a chance as a parent who believes they have it blocked off and has a sneaky kid circumventing controls and sweeping histories). Likewise, as DD's friends all tend to post photos of their days on facebook (and her best friends have friended me for some oddball reason) I would likely figure out if she lied about where she was faster than someone who THINKS they have checked everything out and KNOW for sure (I have known paretns who will lie for otehr kids).

I have no reason not to trust mine either, and I don'tmake them live in a military state, but if I have a funny feeling, I will check it out. Like I said we live in a very small community, and any and everything that happens gets out at some point and the parents will make sure that you are warned about certain behaviors from the few bad seeds. Then againm we also have permission from the other parents to figuratively kick a kids butt if we find them doing something stupid. We are the true village that people talk about. We all watch out for each other and their kids.

As far as face book, yep I am friends with DD and a lot of her friends. I already know that ones that I would question. And if they were having a party, she probably wouldn't be going. To hang out in school, no problem, but one has started drama at another party while the parents were standing right there. It happens and their is always one kid. I will make sure mine aren't involved with them by gong to their party, if that makes me overly involved, oh well. My kids safely is my main priority and until they are old enough to truly understand when or why something is dangerous, then it is up to me to make sure they are safe. Now that may be in HS, my oldest is still in MS, his friends live in this neighborhood. So I guess in real life I haven't has to experience this type of thing. Maybe that is the difference.

I leave mine at home all the time, even late at night starting at age 11. I have left then from 6:00 am until 9:00 at night when we had to go out of town for a day trip. I trust them in those areas. But I will be very wary of parties, because I do remember what went on at parties when I was in HS. And it was cause for worry. Despite the fact that half of the people there were the good and trust worthy kids.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have no reason not to trust mine either, and I don'tmake them live in a military state, but if I have a funny feeling, I will check it out. Like I said we live in a very small community, and any and everything that happens gets out at some point and the parents will make sure that you are warned about certain behaviors from the few bad seeds. Then againm we also have permission from the other parents to figuratively kick a kids butt if we find them doing something stupid. We are the true village that people talk about. We all watch out for each other and their kids.

As far as face book, yep I am friends with DD and a lot of her friends. I already know that ones that I would question. And if they were having a party, she probably wouldn't be going. To hang out in school, no problem, but one has started drama at another party while the parents were standing right there. It happens and their is always one kid. I will make sure mine aren't involved with them by gong to their party, if that makes me overly involved, oh well. My kids safely is my main priority and until they are old enough to truly understand when or why something is dangerous, then it is up to me to make sure they are safe. Now that may be in HS, my oldest is still in MS, his friends live in this neighborhood. So I guess in real life I haven't has to experience this type of thing. Maybe that is the difference.

I leave mine at home all the time, even late at night starting at age 11. I have left then from 6:00 am until 9:00 at night when we had to go out of town for a day trip. I trust them in those areas. But I will be very wary of parties, because I do remember what went on at parties when I was in HS. And it was cause for worry. Despite the fact that half of the people there were the good and trust worthy kids.

I never said your kids live in a millitary state--or anything like that Or criticized ANYthing about how you parent other than thinking it was silly to think typed information about a party is more reliable than verbal (which isn't bad-just silly to me).
My only real "issue" with the thread was not with you--it was with people who think it is rude to RSVP in person instead of calling or think it is bad parenting for other parents not to call. Other parents know their kids and what those kids can handle--just like you know yours and what they can handle.

 

[mhsjax]

I never said your kids live in a millitary state--or anything like that Or criticized ANYthing about how you parent other than thinking it was silly to think typed information about a party is more reliable than verbal (which isn't bad-just silly to me).
My only real "issue" with the thread was not with you--it was with people who think it is rude to RSVP in person instead of calling or think it is bad parenting for other parents not to call. Other parents know their kids and what those kids can handle--just like you know yours and what they can handle.

Sorry, I know you didn't say that. I just wanted to put it out there, that I may seem over protective, but I am not and I don't go around checking on everything they do.

I should have made note of the fact that you didn't accuse me of that.