Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[kennancat]

<bump>

 

[FamilyGuy]

<bump>

No activity on this thread for a couple of months and you decide that you gotta stir the pot! LOL

Actually, FROM MY PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW, I see no reason to get married, unless you plan to have children.

But again that's just my personal point of view. I would never question anyone for having made a personal decision not to have children (married or not). I think it is a little rude to question why a couple is not having children.

Personally though, I would not have gotten married if I did not plan to have children. I would suggest the same to my own children. However if they choose to marry and not procreate, that's certainly their decision, not mine, and I would never question or criticize their decision.

 

[kennancat]

As for what I think when friends have them - if it's a girl I think 'yipppeee, I can buy cute pink outfits for them'. If it's a boy I think 'oh that's dull, no cute pink outfits.'

Okay, that's way too funny - that's my exact thought pattern! When some friends of ours had twins recently (both boys), one of my comments was, "I was hoping one would be a girl so I could buy her dresses!" I've insisted to DH that if we ever do decide to have kids, I want a girl, and he keeps pointing out to me that I don't get a choice

 

[kennancat]

No activity on this thread for a couple of months and you decide that you gotta stir the pot! LOL

Actually, FROM MY PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW, I see no reason to get married, unless you plan to have children.

There was a similar discussion going on the community board, so I mentioned this thread and said I'd bump it. I have heard the "why get married if you don't want kids" argument before, and while I don't agree with it, and I can see how it makes sense depending on your background. For my DH and me, living together and uh... other things... weren't an acceptable option outside of marriage. But I can see how others our age without those beliefs wouldn't see the need to get married if they didn't want children. I think it depends on how you view the role and purpose of marriage. I personally think marriage is evolving - I think it once supplied a practical legal arrangement for building societies, and we're now demanding more out of it: love, companionship, financial efficiency, emotional support, etc.. I do think society is becoming more and more accepting of the idea that marriage and family aren't one-size -fits-all, thank goodness.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I don't know why I feel compelled to join in here, especially since we are all for the most part agreeing, but here is my two cents:

If someone does not want children, or isn't sure if s/he wants children, then do everyone a favor and DON'T. Wait until and unless you change your mind, because children are too precious and fragile. The reason people think you will change your mind is because that is usually the case; not always, but usually. I truly believe they don't mean to be rude (at least most people), they just don't understand.

A dear friend of mine is the child of a woman who hated kids. She had a child only because she had promised her husband when they married, and after waiting many years, he finally pressured her into it, knowing it wasn't what she wanted. The marriage eventually failed, and the child was left to be raised by this woman. This childhood I would not wish on anyone.

I'm not saying that every woman who is uncertain of motherhood will be abusive to her child; but I am sure that plenty of well-intentioned people told this woman that she would feel differently once she had a child, and in fact she did not. She, her child, and all of their loved ones have also paid too high a price for that mistake.

I married at 30, and our intention was to someday have a child. Once we decided to start, it didn't happen...so we wound up seeing a fertility specialist. For years I endured endless questions from family, friends, and acquaintances about when we were going to start a family, and jokes about whether we 'knew how to do it right.' (Yeah, ha ha... ) It was a very emotionally painful and stressful time, and I truly thought it just wasn't meant to be.

Fortunately for us, our wish came true and we had a healthy baby boy 5 years later. Nearly 4 years after that, his 'surprise' baby brother came along, and I am a very grateful, happy mother of two.

 

[maddhatir]

Actually, FROM MY PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW, I see no reason to get married, unless you plan to have children.

DH and I NEVER wanted kids- still dont.

The reason we got married is very romantic-- we were living together about 13 years and a friend of his was getting married- well, when we received the invitation, it had my husbands name 'AND GUEST" on the envelope! maybe he was trying to tell me something!

what the %@!!? his friend has known me forever!

i said thats it- were gettin' married so i wont be a guest anymore!

and thats the fairytale of how we happened to get married. i know- you can wipe the tears from your eyes!

(we did end up doing it right though.......went to bermuda with 20 of our friends and got married! )

 

[rigs32]

DH and I likely would not have gotten married - just lived together. BUT he's in the reserves. Without that piece of paper saying we're married, I'd have ZERO rights to anything. No access to the base, no information, and certainly no notification if he were to die while deployed.

We're not having kids - we have cats. I'm my mom's only child and while she does ask now and again if we've thought about kids, she now asks about her grandkitties and typically talks to one on the phone. Silly, yes, but that cat is more like a dog and super interactive.

 

[RC Fan]

Actually, FROM MY PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW, I see no reason to get married, unless you plan to have children.

I look at it the other way around: I think if you plan to have children together, you probably might as well go ahead and get hitched. However, if you both have decided you don't want kids, why not get married if that is what you both want? A good marriage is a good marriage regardless of whether or not there are children involved.

 

[Disney Debbie]

I always knew I wanted to have kids - but once I had DD neither DH or I wanted another. We thought our family was perfect the way it was - so we were subjected for MANY years to the "when are you having another?" "it's not fair to your DD to be an only child " and my favorite "What if something happens to her?" Like - oh - good thing we had two kids so we'd have a spare Anyway - I'm pretty to the point and just told people we didn't want another child - our first one was perfect! And the "not fair" thing - how stupid is that? I know lots of people from LARGE families - and they all hate each other. I can think of two families with over 6 kids where one kid ended up taking care of elderly parents all by themselves! Who says having siblings is going to make things easier? My best friend's brother is a homeless alcoholic - yeah - he was a BIG comfort when both her parents died of cancer!

Anyway - I know I'm digressing - I make it a point to NEVER ask people why they don't get married, have children, have more children, want children, etc. because it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! There's a guy at work who doesn't want children and the ladies who work for him are always telling him, "You'll change your mind, ya'll just aren't ready yet, blah, blah, blah" I'm thinking - I hope he doesn't - he'd be a lousy dad and he's smart enough to know it! I don't get why they care - why do I care if other people have children? The only person I can imagine caring about would be my DD because I would love to be a grandma - but I wouldn't pressure her about that because after all I'm not the one that would be raising him/her.

I also make sure I never sit around and join in on comments about needing to lose weight, save money etc because I don't want them to think that those subjects are open for discussion! We've got too many nosy people in this world and too many people who think because someone asks them something they're obliged to answer them!

 

[englishteacha]

We aren't planning on having kids, but we aren't going to freak out if nature disagrees with our plans. I have several friends who are getting tons of pressure from their parents to have children. I guess I'm lucky that my parents already have lots of grandkids and I haven't gotten any pressure from my parents to "give them" grandchildren!

 

[Luv'sTink]

Noone should have children if they dont want them. There are to many people who have kids for whatever reason and dont want them as it is.

 

[druidia]

Yeah, this is an interesting subject, especially among people who love Disney so much. Outsiders always think that Disney is all about kids, but of course we all know it isn't.

We are also in the "we don't have kids, we have cats" category.

We love our cats so much we can hardly stand to leave them for the weekend to go to WDW! Luckily, we have a wonderful neighbor that loves them, too, so she takes good care of them while we are gone. We take them with us when we can.

I do not think it is "my duty" to anyone anywhere to have children. Children are work, and they require and deserve someone who is completely devoted to their happiness and well-being. I know too many parents who view their children as an inconvenience or a way to experience life vicariously, instead of being genuinely interested in raising an independent and loving human being.

Sometimes I think it would be cool to have kids just to take them to WDW, but then we look around at all of the families with kids having meltdowns in the park and realize that sometimes the parents are forcing a good time on kids that really don't care where they are, as long as they are with their parents. That is a costly lesson to learn. Again, not a reason to have a child.

I don't know how many people I've encountered in life who tell me that it is both a blessing and a curse. A few have told me that they wouldn't do it if they could start over. I would hate to be a parent living with that, and I would hate to be the child living with a parent that felt like that.

 

[ksoehrlein]

I'm another married-with-kids who says good for you for knowing what you want and don't want and for sticking to your guns! I don't find you to be selfish at all, but rather self-aware -- a much rarer and more admirable trait.

Also, great for you that you and your SOs are all on the same page with this. Definitely a sign of a healthy, lasting relationship -- and we all know that kids certainly don't guarantee that. DH used to date someone (my college roomie ) who always knew she wanted no part of motherhood. DH always knew he wanted to be a dad. I'm so glad for both of them that they broke up before this became an issue. She remains childfree, married to someone else for over 10 years now, and very happy. We've been married almost 9 years, have 2 kids, and are also very happy. (And no, I didn't cause the breakup; DH and I only thought of each other as friends for quite a while after graduation before we suddenly fell in love.)

Snappy comebacks have been fun to read on this thread. Why not pretend that they've convinced you with the most trivial pro-child argument? Like some stranger says you'll want kids so you have someone to visit you in the nursing home in your old age and you respond, "OMG! You're so right! Let me run to DH/DW right now so we can start trying!" It'll end the conversation, you can literally run away from them, and they'll either feel they've made a change in your "poor, miserable, childless" lives or realize that you were being sarcastic.

 

[goofie4goofy]

My DH and I don't have kids and people stopped asking a while ago.....most likely because I am going to be 45 and my Dh will be 48...GULP...did I just put that in writing

This is the second marriage for us both and when I was younger, I "thought" I wanted kids because it was the thing to do right....get married, have kids...

It just did not turn out that way. Instead I was married the first time for 1 year. I was married at 21 and divorced at 22. I did not get married again until I was 39! The time in between was filled with great jobs, lots of fun and travel and a hot guy or two Yes I had fun with a capital F. During that time my friends were getting married and having kids...so along with that came the prefix to when are you having kids which is "when are you going to settle down"? Which IMHO is even worse that the kid question. My friends lived vicariously thru me. Their big "escape" was to come to my apartment and have coffee. I always knew I wanted a different kind of life and I would meet someone just like me...and I did.

My DH and I have been married for 5 years (he does not have children either) and we are very happy. We have been able to do things and take risks financially that we would not have been able to do if we had children. We own our home, have our own business - (that was the financial risk we took) We travel a lot for fun - we just returned from a 3 week long vacation, and have 4 more to go for this year. Our business does not require a store or employees, just a laptop and cell phone. We go out for romantic dinners often, drive very expensive cars, go to the beach on nice days,we have everything we want. My day starts with my DH making juice and we are off to the health club where I have a personal trainer. We are never bored, even though it is like we are semi retired. We live close to NYC, so we go when we want or go to the beach on a nice day or to the mall and buy stupid stuff or out for a great lunch. We have a great family and lots of friends. Our life is full and rewarding, but that is waht works for us. We are also extremely generous to our family friends and charity. We live a great life, and I know if we had children to think about their needs would come first and we never would have been able to make the decisions we did to get where we are.

I do not think we are selfish or self centered. I think some people have children for all the reasons. It is not that I don't like kids, I just don't like the idea of being a mother at this stage of my life. I know in my heart and soul that I would not be able to deal with play dates, soccer, karate, dance, religion class, teacher meetings, homework, softball, baseball, brownies, girl scout cookies, science projects, doctors, dentists well you get the idea....
Having kids does not gurantee you grandchildren, or a great family or security when you get older.

So as I see it, people should just mind their own business. They made their choices in life, now it's your turn. No matter what you choose all that matters is that you are happy and fufilled.


Also, we love the fact that we look 10 years younger than our real age....I think it's because we don't have kids


So that is my long tale of why I don't have kids. I know it's longer than some, but I am older!

 

[maddhatir]

We also enjoy the freedom of our lifestyle, and are not interested in giving that up. I know I am not cut out to be a parent. I'm not motherly towards children, I cannot communicate with them, they completely do not interest me. Harsh, but true.

DITTO RIGHT HERE!

I am soo not motherly--- when i look at kids- i just think in my head "i dont get it!"-- and then quickly think "thank god thats not me!" then just go about my merry way!...my nice and peacful merry way!

 

[eeyoregon]

Hats off to you for knowing what you want and don't want in life!! I am the proud mother of two sons ages 10 and 13. I wanted to be a Mom from the time I could talk. My sister is my polar opposite and I have complete respect for her and her choice. Luckily she found her sole mate and he did not want kids either. My sister is also type 1 diabetic and my brother-in-law carries the lupus gene and has arthritis so there was NO way they were going to pro-create.

At age 33, after 10+ years of marriage, she approached her longtime OBGYN to discuss having her tubes tied. His response was repulsive! He made comments like, "Hmm, I've been waiting years for you to come to your senses and start your family." And "your poor husband..." and so on!!!! Needless to say, she has a new GYN!!

So sad that soooooo many people choose to have kids for all of the wrong reasons. You really should have to get a permit/license to have kids - sure would cut down on the abuse and neglect of our precious kids.

 

[goofie4goofy]

DITTO RIGHT HERE!

I am soo not motherly--- when i look at kids- i just think in my head "i dont get it!"-- and then quickly think "thank god thats not me!" then just go about my merry way!...my nice and peacful merry way!

 

[Two4Disney]

Too many people have kids just because they think it's the thing to do. The important thing is to find out what you are meant to do and whether you really should have kids. And just because you choose not to have kids doesn't mean you don't love them and support them any way you can.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

There was a lovely older woman in my neighborhood when I was growing up. Her name was Mary Ellen and she was a retired flight attendant. She flew until she was at least well into her 50s, maybe even 60s! Anyway, she lived on her own in her little house with the beautiful yard, and would invite kids from the neighborhood over to play. We played in the backyard and also in her garage, which was filled with toys of all kinds! She clearly loved kids, but loved her career and independence (and little red sportscar!) even more.

Kids are a lot of work (at least my two boys are!), so hats off to those who decided being a great 'auntie' or 'uncle' was enough for them.

 

[DisneyClay]

I am in my early thirties and there is nothing I wont do to become pregnant. I will do whatever it takes. I find those of us who do not have kids yet get the same treatment as those who do not want kids. I always get your wasteing time women can only have kids so long, my fave you don't have kids yet, your running out of time. Good luck to all of us. So yes I know how ya feel.