Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[C.Ann]

Well if you REALLY want to shut them up permanently, I think this response - in a very stern tone - would do the trick:

"Because we can't stand the little rug rats!!"

Seriously though - you don't owe anyone an explanation and if it's really terribly upsetting and annoying to have to go through this time and time again, I wouldn't hesitate to use the response above or something similar to it.. Some people just "don't get the message" without a little "shock" value..

 

[princess-rn]

I think it's no one's business what you decide when it comes to children. Therefore I don't think you should bother answering the question.

It hurts me so badly to hear people say they don't want kids..."never have never will." All I've ever wanted in life was to be a mother....and without the WONDERFUL medical advances we have now I couldn't be one. I am the PROUD mother of a 3 year old little boy and am trying DESPERATELY to have another. It's very very hard when you want kids...but can't do it as you should. So don't be so hard on the people that ask. Kids are wonderful, AMAZING joys in your life. I can't imagine how empty my life would be without my son (I also have a WONDERFUL Husband). Maybe that's why people ask...they just can't imagine life without their kids. Once you have them and experience the joy you forget what you life was like before. However, with that in mind, no one should judge you for not wanting them....I too, think you should either ignore the question or just say "No" and leave it at that.

 

[rigs32]

I think it's no one's business what you decide when it comes to children. Therefore I don't think you should bother answering the question.

It hurts me so badly to hear people say they don't want kids..."never have never will." All I've ever wanted in life was to be a mother....

These two statements are inherantly at odds. You support whatever choice another adult makes, but are hurt if they do not make the same choice as you? Or are you advocating not answering the "when are you having kids" question if you are going to say never, but those who are going to have them should answer?

If I am a fireman, and have always wanted to be a fireman, and a friend says they never want to be a fireman, it doesn't make sense for me to be upset. Just because I made a life choice doesn't mean that everyone else should make the same choice.

 

[princess-rn]

These two statements are inherantly at odds. You support whatever choice another adult makes, but are hurt if they do not make the same choice as you? Or are you advocating not answering the "when are you having kids" question if you are going to say never, but those who are going to have them should answer?

If I am a fireman, and have always wanted to be a fireman, and a friend says they never want to be a fireman, it doesn't make sense for me to be upset. Just because I made a life choice doesn't mean that everyone else should make the same choice.

You misread my statement. I'm sorry if it wasn't crystal clear. The two statements may be "inherantly at odds" to you...but they are how I feel. I DO support the choice that others make of not having children...but I can not help that I feel a deep pain when I hear people that are so adverse to having children. I feel that pain NOT because they don't "feel the way I do"...but because I WANT kids so badly and it's so HARD for me to get pregnant. That's it period. I respect their decision. Parenting is NOT for everyone that's for sure....but I can't help that my longing for another child that I may never have makes me so sensitive to this issue.

Again..I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my post. I just hurt so bad over my fertility issues...and I guess I just don't make myself clear through the tears.

 

[pkitty]

I have not had a chance to read ALL the responses but I think after reading many of them I'm beginning to see a common thread among most of the posts. I would like to add my 2 cents on this discussion simply by saying. TALK IS CHEAP ! Remember that old saying? As long as we are able to recognize this and hope that most of us don't get too wrapped up in the B.S. of simple questions, where not much thought was put in to it.
I know right now I have alot of time on my hands and can type this post hoping I can give the right answer but if it were in real time, communication skills 101 is not my best subject. But I do try my best to be quick on my feet(hehe). I can see from what people are typing here that alot of their friends relitives or neighbors have the same problem; but they are trying to communicate with you and in doing so are learning from you and so you with them. In time the ones who ask the worst questions and can't get along will have to learn how to be more respectful and think a little bit more before spouting off at someone and hurting their feelings. If they just don't get it and go through life p@$$@*g people off then they're going to be pretty lonely people, divorced or unable to carry on in relationships. In the end those types of people will always pay.

Good luck to everyone with the choices you make and don't let the comments get you so worked up.

 

[rhiannonwales]

I am a mom of 2 but i wanted to give my encouragement and respect to those who have made the choice not to have kids.

I give you much credit for knowing exactly what you want out of your life.Maybe in 5 years youll change your mind, maybe not.But its no one else's buisness!!I dont think that your being selfish and immature at all!Honestly i think that a lot of people have kids for the WRONG reasons.And some of them ARE selfish...they want to have unconditional love for someone, without having to earn it.They want to save a marriage.They want to be like all their friends who have kids.

Honestly, if every person on earth procreated just once, there would be no food for everyone.It is part of natures plan that not every creature will procreate,whether by choice or by accident.

If people ask why not, you dont owe them any explanation, period.One good way of deflecting an unwanted question is to trun it back on the questioner.For example if they ask you if you have kids and why not, say to them "do you have kids? Why?" When they flounder for an answer, i think they will get the poin that its none o thier buisness.
Good luck to all of you who face this dilemma!
Sherrie

 

[gatour]

I just point to my Mercedes Benz and say there is my non-existent kid's college fund.

Seriously, I like the response in the fourth paragraph in rhiannonwales' reply.

We got married in our mid thirties, and by then both of us had decided we were to set in our ways etc to have kids.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Well if you REALLY want to shut them up permanently, I think this response - in a very stern tone - would do the trick:

"Because we can't stand the little rug rats!!"

Seriously though - you don't owe anyone an explanation and if it's really terribly upsetting and annoying to have to go through this time and time again, I wouldn't hesitate to use the response above or something similar to it.. Some people just "don't get the message" without a little "shock" value..

Seriously though, I HAVE said that before!!!

My husband and I aren't going to have any kids. He got a vasectomy before we got married (I was willing to get my tubes tied, but he volunteered for the other). We don't really care for kids and don't want any of our own. I am one of those women that if I did come up pregnant, I would be crying my eyes out with an EPT in one hand screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

We will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary next week. We love our life and don't want to have kids. We have heard all kinds of questions though. Sad thing is, when someone asks and I tell them we aren't going to have kids, a lot of the time they automatically assume I can't (I'm a paraplegic). That really chafes my rear. They give me that hideous sympathetic look and nod their heads.

 

[maddhatir]

Seriously though, I HAVE said that before!!!

My husband and I aren't going to have any kids. He got a vasectomy before we got married (I was willing to get my tubes tied, but he volunteered for the other). We don't really care for kids and don't want any of our own. I am one of those women that if I did come up pregnant, I would be crying my eyes out with an EPT in one hand screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

OMG!!! Me too-- glad ta meechya!

and i think people make you want to scream "Because we can't stand the little rug rats!!" because they just assume you want them! they dont get it!

i feel like i am the LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE because i dont have kids--- just look at some of the people who do...they dont look too happy to me!!

i dont get the whole "kids" concept....looks like too much work and agg to me!

 

[Twingle]

Wow there are some unbelievable comments on this thread! I'm shocked at what people will say when they find out you don't have children. Yikes!

When my DH and I were first married, the first time I met his grandmother, she asked us why we didn't have children yet. When we told her we didn't know if we'd have any, SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS DISEASED! I was amazed! WOW!

Having or not having children is a personal choice. You can be "right" if you choose to have them, or "right" if you choose not too. You have to make that decision for yourself. My husband and I chose to have children, and I'm glad that we did. It was a personal decision for us, and one that I'm glad we made. Is it all sunshine and roses every minute of every day? Of course not. But nothing is, not marriage, not parenthood, not your job, not anything. Most of the time it's wonderful, but I had wonderful times before I was a parent also.

Unfortunately there are people that think that "their" way is the "right" way. Just try your best to take it with a grain on salt (and a shot of tequlia!). I heard lots of rude comments when I had no children, one child, when I was pregnant with my twins and now that I have three. There are always going to be people that have something rude to say.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Maddhatir, bless you!!!!!!!!!! Glad someone else shares my feelings! If you want a friend, well by golly you just made one!

 

[maddhatir]

Maddhatir, bless you!!!!!!!!!! Glad someone else shares my feelings! If you want a friend, well by golly you just made one!

 

[HockeyGoddess]

hey there all,

my dh & i have also chosen not to have children...not because we don't love kids (they're especially wonderful when you can give them back) but because we just didn't feel we would make good parents. totally honest answer, neither us of at anytime in our lives were like "omg we have to have children", we just didn't feel it.

after 14 years of marriage (and being over 40) people have finally stopped asking. it was our decision - you shouldn't have children because it's expected or because it would make someone else, like your mother in law (love her) happy.

 

[gatour]

princess-rn,

You said...
'I think it's no one's business what you decide when it comes to children. Therefore I don't think you should bother answering the question.

It hurts me so badly to hear people say they don't want kids..."never have never will."All I've ever wanted in life was to be a mother....and without the WONDERFUL medical advances we have now I couldn't be one."

Speaking for myself, I don't mind someone making an innocent inquiry about our lack of children, but the problem is when they keep on asking or implying why my wife and myself do not have children. It is one thing to ask nicely in polite conversation, but is another thing to keep rephrasing the same question over a period of time.

I think that is the point most of us who are deciding not to have children are trying to make here , we are not trying to be mean to any particular person, but when that person repeatedly asks the same question about children then it gets tiresome.

 

[Kay7979]

Wow, I just stumbled across this thread, read some of the first posts and some of the last, and boy does this all bring back memories. I am 50 now. I was married very young, and my husband and I did not want to have children. No doctor would give him a vasectomy because they couldn't believe he wouldn't change his mind in a few years. For all that you hear about kids right out of high school getting married, and all the strikes against them, we were right for each other, and we had a fantastic marriage. We were best friends. I loved him so much it hurt. We had such a great relationship we just didn't want to bring kids into the picture and mess things up. I kept thinking "what if they come between us, or grow up and hate us for disiplining them and fight with us all the time." I know having kids can be great and there can be a lot of wonderful times and experiences together, but we just liked life the way it was and were content without kids.

I remember people were shocked when I told them we didn't plan to have a family. They said we were selfish. Then they gave me a bunch of reasons to have children that to me were far more selfish than NOT having them could ever be, like, "you'll have no one to take care of you in your old age." or "you'll be sorry when you're older and you don't have family visit you on holidays." ARGH. The worst part was they said things that made it sound like there were a bunch of little souls up in heaven that would never have bodies because I refused to have children! Seriously! To listen to these people you would think the children already existed and were waiting for me to "do my part" and I was denighing them an existance!

So, to finish my tale, my husband was killed in a car accident before our sixth anniversary. Being a childless widow was better than being left young and alone with kids to take care of. I remarried later but it was a mistake and ended in divorce a few years later. Again, thank goodness there were no children. I spent the next 15 years single until I finally met the right man, DH, at about 40. He has three kids that live with his ex, and I have had the chance to watch them grow up and spend time with them, but it has been more of an aunt function, really, than a mother, and that has suited me.

You will always have the opportunity to instill some of your kindness, wisdom, and values in other children, not your own, throughout your life. That is one of the nicest aspects of parenting anyway, and it is not an exclusive province to parents. All of us can help shape and direct the lives of the children we meet, and touch them in some special and memorable way. Don't be influenced or upset by rude people. Do what you believe is right for you and your husband.

 

[disneyholic family]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

I haven't read the thread but to respond to your post, i'm 50 years old and i do have kids, but i definitely think that going childless is a valid choice.

And i'm shocked that people would be so rude as to tell you that it's not.

I have many friends my age who are childless by choice (married since their 20s and who made the decision never to have kids). A few of them now regret it (one had a child recently, the other couldn't because of an irreversible vasectomy).
But the vast majority of them are as happy and content today as they were 25 years ago when they made the decision.
One of the couples is particularly amusing. He's a pediatric surgeon and she's a pediatrician. They both say they see plenty of kids during the day, no need to go home to any at night. And they've always wanted to enjoy their life. To pick up and travel at the drop of a hat. etc etc. They love their life still today. And as i said, i have many friends who feel the same.

People should do what's right for them.

Tell them that any choice you make for YOU is valid for you. Maybe not for them. But you're not deciding for them, only for you.

By the way, I do have kids (now 21 and 18). I love them dearly, and i probably would have them again if i had it to do all over again. But i can definitely see my life as being equally fulfilling and valid childless. This was the path I chose and life is good. But I'm sure it would have been good the other way as well..

Have a great life and do NOT worry about what other people think. It's your life to live, not theirs.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

It hurts me so badly to hear people say they don't want kids..."never have never will."All I've ever wanted in life was to be a mother....and without the WONDERFUL medical advances we have now I couldn't be one.

And you know what, that's great for you. Medical intervention has made it possible for you to conceive because you couldn't. That's great and I'm happy things worked out for you. But....

I am not going to be made to feel bad/guilty because I am capable of having kids and choose not to, when so many people want them and can't have them. It is not my fault some folks are unable to conceive and I can. And I am not going to have them because of that.

I truly feel for those who want kids and can't have them. Someone might argue why spend SOOOOO much money on medical intervention that may or may not cause conception when there are so many children, yes even infants, in desperate need for adoption. Know what I mean??

I'm not flaming you at all, but I just had to say my piece.

 

[CJK]

I love how this thread continues to resurface.

I have a question to those of you who have decided not to have children. We are in our early 30's and are still on the fence. We came very close to making a decision (to have a child) around Christmas, but have since returned to the fence... My question is this: How do you feel watching your friends get pregnant, have babies and get involved in all of the parenting activities?

I now only have 3 friends without children. Each time I find out about another friend becoming pregnant, my reaction is so incredibly mixed. I'm thrilled for the person (especially if they've suffered through miscarriages but have managed to still have successful pregnancies), but I also find myself feeling terribly sad. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me and feel left out. Will I turn 40 one day and regret not having children? But, I also know that fear of the unknown is NOT a reason TO have a baby. I just feel so sad, as if I'm being left behind while my friends all move forward. A group of friends of ours always get together a couple times a year, and for our next get together, dh and I will be the only ones without a baby, or at least pregnant. It's hard to admit, but I'm dreading going...

Have any of you felt similarly, or are you so content with your decision, that it doesn't even bother you?

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Princess-RN, you kill me. I'm sorry you feel bad and hurt that you can't have kids and find people that can hurting you somehow. My husband and I were told I was high risk and never had kids, we could have adopted or could have even tried to have a child and risked my health and the baby's, and it never fails to amaze me that some people, even ones that are aware of this, continue to ask. So you have to understand just bc you're hurt it doesn't give you the right to hurt others as it goes both ways. And for those who aren't hurt exactly, its just plain dang rude! Its a very private, and sometimes with some persons, extremely painful, personal thing. Our neighbors don't have kids, they're almost 40, and they just don't want to. To me its almost the same as asking someone their personal bedroom questions. I have the same persons over and over ask me, and even when I explain, then go on about something else like adoption, and as I explained in an earlier post, my DB's now ex-wife (thank gosh!) sat me around room literally, with me sitting in a small chair in front of a large circular couch seating several of her friends and relatives to discuss it, many of these people I didn't even know, its absolutely outrageous! I had no idea what she had seated me for, but felt the blood literally drain out of my body and handled it very nicely and politely. People have and do not have kids for many reasons and its no ones business any very inconsiderate. Thank you for letting me vent but wow its a reaaly sore subject and it never fails to amaze me the absolute, rude cruel, yes cruel things I have been asked. When my ex-sister-in-law was explained and her friends that I was considered high risk and my child may inherit a bleeding disorder I had, they actually said to me, "well a friend of ours has cancer and had a baby" what absolute meanness, yes meanness, it never ends and there is no excuse for it. Maybe some mean well but I hope by reading these posts they finally have some understanding.

 

[maddhatir]

I love how this thread continues to resurface.

I have a question to those of you who have decided not to have children. We are in our early 30's and are still on the fence. We came very close to making a decision (to have a child) around Christmas, but have since returned to the fence... My question is this: How do you feel watching your friends get pregnant, have babies and get involved in all of the parenting activities?

I now only have 3 friends without children. Each time I find out about another friend becoming pregnant, my reaction is so incredibly mixed. I'm thrilled for the person (especially if they've suffered through miscarriages but have managed to still have successful pregnancies), but I also find myself feeling terribly sad. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me and feel left out. Will I turn 40 one day and regret not having children? But, I also know that fear of the unknown is NOT a reason TO have a baby. I just feel so sad, as if I'm being left behind while my friends all move forward. A group of friends of ours always get together a couple times a year, and for our next get together, dh and I will be the only ones without a baby, or at least pregnant. It's hard to admit, but I'm dreading going...

Have any of you felt similarly, or are you so content with your decision, that it doesn't even bother you?

me and DH have been together for almost 26 years-- we met in our teens and have been together ever since.

we BOTH have always agreed that we never wanted kids- we just KNEW IT, from day one- i have NEVER had the urge or never questioned should I??

when i see my friends with kids- i think i am very lucky not to have them. if someone is pregnant- i think hey!- better you than me! this is the truth- i have NO desire for children and never had.

i have nieces and nephews that i love very much (me and dh just took our niece to disney in dec) however, i love to give them back also