Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[my4kids]

Do you all realize that this thread has been around so long that the OP could have conceived and given birth since it was started? She could be starting a thread on the Families Board right now that is titled " I used to think I didn't want kids but now tell me if I should buy the Peg Perego or the Maclaren stroller"

 

[fakereadhed]

Do you all realize that this thread has been around so long that the OP could have conceived and given birth since it was started? She could be starting a thread on the Families Board right now that is titled " I used to think I didn't want kids but now tell me if I should buy the Peg Perego or the Maclaren stroller"

I have 3 kids(and had the last at 38-you should hear the comments I got on that one )but the reason people with kids want you to have some is simple. People always want you to be as miserable as they are. They can't stand they fact that you are breaking tradition, when they just went along with it and never gave it a thought and now they have been:a)up all night b)working a job they don't really like because they have to support the kids c)running around all evening to soccer, swimming, dance, and T-ball d)fill in the blank with some obligation. Having kids is rewarding, but a tough job. Underneath their concern for you missing out on something is the underlying feeling that you are getting away with something here. Nobody likes a cheater.

 

[Hillbeans]

I have 3 kids(and had the last at 38-you should hear the comments I got on that one )but the reason people with kids want you to have some is simple. People always want you to be as miserable as they are. They can't stand they fact that you are breaking tradition, when they just went along with it and never gave it a thought and now they have been:a)up all night b)working a job they don't really like because they have to support the kids c)running around all evening to soccer, swimming, dance, and T-ball d)fill in the blank with some obligation. Having kids is rewarding, but a tough job. Underneath their concern for you missing out on something is the underlying feeling that you are getting away with something here. Nobody likes a cheater.

LOL - that is the funniest, most true comment i've read about parenthood in a very long time. Thanks for the morning smile!

 

[pearlieq]

I have 3 kids(and had the last at 38-you should hear the comments I got on that one )but the reason people with kids want you to have some is simple. People always want you to be as miserable as they are. They can't stand they fact that you are breaking tradition, when they just went along with it and never gave it a thought and now they have been:a)up all night b)working a job they don't really like because they have to support the kids c)running around all evening to soccer, swimming, dance, and T-ball d)fill in the blank with some obligation. Having kids is rewarding, but a tough job. Underneath their concern for you missing out on something is the underlying feeling that you are getting away with something here. Nobody likes a cheater.

That's exactly it! Very insightful and well put!

 

[SusanWasHere]

I have 3 kids(and had the last at 38-you should hear the comments I got on that one )but the reason people with kids want you to have some is simple. People always want you to be as miserable as they are. They can't stand they fact that you are breaking tradition, when they just went along with it and never gave it a thought and now they have been:a)up all night b)working a job they don't really like because they have to support the kids c)running around all evening to soccer, swimming, dance, and T-ball d)fill in the blank with some obligation. Having kids is rewarding, but a tough job. Underneath their concern for you missing out on something is the underlying feeling that you are getting away with something here. Nobody likes a cheater.

i think you are right. i get a lot of bitterness from my friends with kids that is really annoying. if i ever DARE to say i'm tired i get "how can you be tired, you don't have kids". or i'll say my cat woke me up and i couldn't get back to sleep so i'm beat. "oh, try having kids, then you'll be tired". the one day i finally blew up and said "it doesn't matter if i'm tired from a baby, a cat, my neighbor's music, a cold, etc. I'M PLAIN OLD TIRED. one thing doesn't make you more tired than the other". another friend was saying she has no food in the house and i said i didn't either, hadn't shopped in a while. and she said "yeah but you don't have a kid". UM WE BOTH DON'T HAVE FOOD, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE??? so i do think it is (most of the time, not all) that they are miserable with their choices, overstressed, etc. and take it out on me bc i'm not? and that's a shame. but still, having people yell that i shouldn't be late to work or stuck in traffic bc i don't have kids makes no sense and it is ANNOYING!!! i guess they think i sit around and eat bon bons all day and pamper myself? lol, i wish!!!

 

[plgrn]

i like to visit elephants at the zoo, but don't want one in my living room!

BTW, your "kids" are beautiful!! Are the two on the left Russian Blues? I have a Russian Blue mix who is gorgeous, but a handful!

 

[plgrn]

So this is really trite, but does anyone every worry that once the biological clock has stopped, that they will regret the decision not to have any kids? I can just see myself in the retirement home rolling my eyes while all my eldery friends discuss their grandkids.

 

[plgrn]

I've been inspired to start a furbaby brag thread in the community boards. Would love to see everyone's "kids."

 

[WDWguru]

So this is really trite, but does anyone every worry that once the biological clock has stopped, that they will regret the decision not to have any kids? I can just see myself in the retirement home rolling my eyes while all my eldery friends discuss their grandkids.

Not for one second. And even if it were to happen, I'd much rather regret not having any than resent a child I did have. As for the elderly friends, they're much more likely to be complaining about how their children/grandchildren never visit than anything else!

For those of you just joining in, I thought I'd point out the sorta companion thread to this one - the Childfree Disers check-in. Pop on over and post, it's been a while!

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=316553

 

[pearlieq]

So this is really trite, but does anyone every worry that once the biological clock has stopped, that they will regret the decision not to have any kids?

Honestly, yes, this has crossed my mind, which is part of the reason we're not 100% decided either way yet. I wonder if I'll be more interested when I'm older, and I do wonder whether I would regret not having them once it's too late. I'm not sure I would, but I definitely wonder...

 

[SusanWasHere]

BTW, your "kids" are beautiful!! Are the two on the left Russian Blues? I have a Russian Blue mix who is gorgeous, but a handful!

thank you so much the 2 on the left are blues. they are mom and daughter. absolute sweethearts and loves! the demon seed on the right is a seal point. AKA "soon to be given to Shing Loon and turned into someone's dinner" LOL, just kidding of course. i could never she is a major handful and i love her to death!! she got the wrong brain cells somehow - she thinks she is a dog. and a bad dog at that

 

[my4kids]

Not for one second. And even if it were to happen, I'd much rather regret not having any than resent a child I did have. As for the elderly friends, they're much more likely to be complaining about how their children/grandchildren never visit than anything else!

For those of you just joining in, I thought I'd point out the sorta companion thread to this one - the Childfree Disers check-in. Pop on over and post, it's been a while!

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=316553

I'm not trying to - I just noticed that you when you said "rather regret not having any than resent a child I have" - I just have to put in that I hear this alot..especially on this thread and I must say as a woman who has had 2 unplanned, and unexpected pregnancies, I really can not imagine any person who is not mentally ill in some way actually resenting their own child, no matter what the circumstances are...(I am not implying you are ill - just that you can not realize this without kids of your own).yes I was thrown for a loop on both of them (especially the first). Yes, I resented the circumstances for a while, but resent the child?????!!! Holy cow, immediately after their birth I was Thanking the Dear Lord in Heaven that he knew me better than myself and blessed me with these angels that even I did not know I wanted but He knew that I wanted)

I am not saying this to try to tell anyone they should have kids....I think that is a very personal decision and if you don't want them, that's fine, you shouldn't have them, and shouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. I just don't think that any healthy person would resent their own child.....so don't let that be the reason you don't have any.

 

[FayeW]

I'm not trying to - I just noticed that you when you said "rather regret not having any than resent a child I have" - I just have to put in that I hear this alot..especially on this thread and I must say as a woman who has had 2 unplanned, and unexpected pregnancies, I really can not imagine any person who is not mentally ill in some way actually resenting their own child, no matter what the circumstances are...(I am not implying you are ill - just that you can not realize this without kids of your own).yes I was thrown for a loop on both of them (especially the first). Yes, I resented the circumstances for a while, but resent the child?????!!! Holy cow, immediately after their birth I was Thanking the Dear Lord in Heaven that he knew me better than myself and blessed me with these angels that even I did not know I wanted but He knew that I wanted)

I am not saying this to try to tell anyone they should have kids....I think that is a very personal decision and if you don't want them, that's fine, you shouldn't have them, and shouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. I just don't think that any healthy person would resent their own child.....so don't let that be the reason you don't have any.

I sometimes resent being a parent. I love my children, but there are days when I really regret that we didn't stick to our decision not to have children. Particularily when they are fistfighting in the kitchen at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning. I have literally counted the days until my oldest goes to university, and can live in the dorm. (She is a pre-teen ball of hormones and attitude, so I bet there are some other mothers who can relate...). I don't think that makes me mentally ill...I think that just make me normal.

 

[RedxPanda]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

I am quickly jumping into the same boat. Of course I have it a little easier now, I just have the when are you getting married? I'm sick of it enough that I want to say screw it to all of them Let's just go to Vegas and get it over with, and see a Circque du Soleil while we're at it

Dbf was a little miffed when he finally realized, when I had been saying all along I can't stand little bratty kids and I really don't want any for myself, that I was actually telling the truth! I was the oldest of all the cousins on my mom's side, so naturally I was the babysitter of the summer He is slowly adjusting himself to "understand" where I am coming from. He still gets angry because he doesn't get why I feel like I do. Like I'm supposed to verablize it somehow?!?

I just don't feel that "need" deep down inside of me, instead I feel the need of living my life for me, since I've worked so hard in school to get where I am.

 

[kcrew]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

I married at 23 and on my 10th anniversary still hadn't given any thought to having children. I was never a "kid" person and just didn't feel at all compelled to have my own. I never said "never", but just felt if it was to be I would "feel" it. Well, after I had been married 12 years (age 35) I "felt" it. I got pregnant immediately and shocked everyone! (They all assumed it was an "accident" at that point.) I proceeded to have 3 sons in 3 years....and yes, everyday is a challenge, but I don't regret my decision. If this feeling never develops in you then stand by your choice and feel good about it! I wouldn't really give any thought to other people's questions...it's just normal curiousity, and if you have made your decision you should not feel uncomfortable about your choice, nor about discussing it with others. I'm sure that when others draw you into a debate that in part they envy your decision and are trying to convince themselves that kids were the only way to go....

 

[kkevcamsmom]

I'm not trying to - I just noticed that you when you said "rather regret not having any than resent a child I have" - I just have to put in that I hear this alot..especially on this thread and I must say as a woman who has had 2 unplanned, and unexpected pregnancies, I really can not imagine any person who is not mentally ill in some way actually resenting their own child, no matter what the circumstances are...(I am not implying you are ill - just that you can not realize this without kids of your own).yes I was thrown for a loop on both of them (especially the first). Yes, I resented the circumstances for a while, but resent the child?????!!! Holy cow, immediately after their birth I was Thanking the Dear Lord in Heaven that he knew me better than myself and blessed me with these angels that even I did not know I wanted but He knew that I wanted)

I am not saying this to try to tell anyone they should have kids....I think that is a very personal decision and if you don't want them, that's fine, you shouldn't have them, and shouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. I just don't think that any healthy person would resent their own child.....so don't let that be the reason you don't have any.

I think you did want to cause a stir, otherwise you would have not made this comment.

As someonewho does home daycare I am with my kids 24/7. I love each one dearly but there are times when I want a break. How nice would it be to go to the pool and just relax?? I have no clue, don't remember...

Also as someone who does a daycare I have to take a class on reporting child abuse, this is a very intense class that is hard to take! We get to see photos of abused kids, read police reports...all that 'fun' stuff. The one's that stick out the most in my head are the moms and dads that say they never wanted the kids can the State please take them away before it gets worse. These are parents that felt pressured to have kids and gave in to that pressure and resented their kid. Are they mentally ill...No. They just were not cut out to be parents but gave in to the pressure. Yes there are parents out there that do resent the kids they have, that they NEVER wanted to have, in the first place.

Is my sister mentally ill for not wanting kids...NO in fact, she's very smart, kind, sweet and wonderful with kids actually. But had NO desire to have one.

I think to suggest someone is metally ill for not wanting to have kids is just plain mean.

I applaude the people here who stick to their guns. Plain and simple, some people just dont' feel the need to have kids, others feel the need to have as many as possible. Each has that right. Some may think people with more than 1, 2, 3, or 4 kids are mentally ill. Some think that less than 5 is not enough. To each their own.

Lori

 

[faeflora]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years now and we decided very early on in our marriage not to have children. We both knew when we married we had different goals then a family. I wanted to finish my BA and he wanted to go to graduate school. We are also enjoy the quiet time in the mornings and unwinding slowly when we get home from work or school. I was diagnosed with my disability five years into the marriage and at that point we were both very happy that we decided not to have a family. Managing kids and a health crisis would have been a lot to deal with. We have never regretted our decision to not have a baby. We are very much in love and when we are asked why we decided not to do the traditional family thing we reply that for us it was ust not the right decision. The conversation normally ends there.
We do have two cats who occupy our days and five nieces whom we love dearly.
I am very happy with the way our lives turned out. Plus, if you asked my husband he would tell you that I am the child in the family since I love Disney, all things Tinkerbell and have never let my childlike spirit die.

 

[Barbers2005]

I really can not imagine any person who is not mentally ill in some way actually resenting their own child, no matter what the circumstances are...

I just don't think that any healthy person would resent their own child

I had to laugh when I saw this quote. I have a Dd4 and will admit that when she was born, I was resentful. As a new parent, I thought "OMG! Where is the rosy-hued mother-daughter bliss that I was promised? What is wrong with me?" Feeling totally guilty and burdened with my newfound knowledge that I was a defective woman, I sought professional help (family counselor suggested by the hospital). Guess what? Feeling resentful (and guilty) is a totally common and perfectly natural part of being a parent. "Why wouldn't you be resentful?", I was told. This tiny stranger made you sick, fat, poor and tired. Every time she opens her mouth, she expects you to run to her with food, diapers and snuggles...regardless of what you're doing or how you feel. The other perfectly normal part of parental resentment? It passes. So, do I sometimes feel resentful? Yeah. Do I let Dd see it? No. Do I love being a parent? Absolutely.

To get back on topic- I think its very difficult to provide a logical reason for a decision that is based on feelings. Asking someone why they didn't (or did) want children is like asking "why is green your favorite color?" or "why do you love your spouse?" There is no answer that you can articulate- nothing will adequately justify your answer to someone else.

 

[kennancat]

I just noticed that you when you said "rather regret not having any than resent a child I have" - I just have to put in that I hear this alot..especially on this thread and I must say as a woman who has had 2 unplanned, and unexpected pregnancies, I really can not imagine any person who is not mentally ill in some way actually resenting their own child, no matter what the circumstances are... <snip>just don't think that any healthy person would resent their own child.....so don't let that be the reason you don't have any.

I'm probably one of the people who said this as well. My mom frequently counters this one with, "oh, but when it's your kid, you can't help but love them." To which I remind her how overworked the Department of Children and Families is in this state - and it's not because all of these parents just love their kids so much. I do you think you need to be emotionally prepared and willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to parent a child. I think it's great that you were able to go from not being prepared to become pregnant to loving and welcoming your children into your life. I really do hope that that's what happens for the majority of people who find themselves in that situation, but sadly I don't think it happens for all. I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement that those people are mentally ill - I think they just weren't wired for it. Plus, I think some people are better at adjusting when life throws them a curve ball than others.

 

[kennancat]

Is my sister mentally ill for not wanting kids...NO in fact, she's very smart, kind, sweet and wonderful with kids actually. But had NO desire to have one.

I think to suggest someone is metally ill for not wanting to have kids is just plain mean.

Wait, I think you're misunderstanding here - my4kids was talking about people who have children resenting those children, not saying that people who don't want children are mentally ill. I don't agree with her opinion, but look on the bright side: I wish more people who had unplanned children could grow to love them so much that they would think there was something wrong with people who didn't feel that way. I bet we'd hear a lot less about child abuse on the news.