Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[Krissalee]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

 

[ChisJo]

Although I am not married, I already know that I am not going to have children. I know that I am too selfish have them. I enjoy MY time and MY freedom. I cannot see me pregnant - it would hamper my lifestyle. I enjoy travelling and spontaneity and my own money. I am an aunt with 8 neices and nephews, and spending time with them is seriously my form of birth control. I have 2 cats, that I can leave for hours at a time, with food and water, and they are happy. They are even happier when I get home. They never cry at 3am and they don't interrupt my sleep. They love sleeping at my feet. I change their litter once a week, not 8 times a day.
Please don't get me wrong - I love children, just not the lifestyle of a parent. I have a job that will allow me to travel the world, and that is exactly what I plan on doing. In doing so, I plan on seeing what the world has to offer. This would not make sense if a child was in the picture. I have met someone in the same profession who wants to do the same.
Additionally, in my experiences with my closest friends who have children, I cannot see me settling down like that. I don't see it as a happy time. It puts strain on their marriages, their finances and their personal freedom. Call me selfish, but it's my choice.
As for what others say to you, they don't realize how rude they are being. What if you were unable to have children, but really wanted them? How would they feel then, asking you those same questions? Is it our duty to populate an already over-populated world? I just don't understand why others need to impose in our business and our desire to want and not to want children.
If people ask me why I don't want/have children, I just tell them that it is my/our personal business. If they persist, ask them a personal question that you know they don't want to ask, just to get the message across. Asking someone about their lifestyle choice is very rude, and in doing so, cross a boundary they shouldn't cross in the first place. I know it gets to be annoying, I go through it too. I just tell people to back off, or the conversation and visit is over. But, I am quite assertive.
Good luck,
Jo

 

[PhotobearSam]

SAME HERE...

DH got "fixed" before we even got married as we don't want kids...It was my B-day present...LOL


Why can't people just respect the decision???

We are celebrating 7 years together on the 19th of November and 3 years married and we still get the question.

At least when I told my Mom what DH did, she was happy for me. She said you will live your life as you see fit and that is great...I love my Mom.

Krissalee, it won't stop but I like to say "No kids for us, we like having money for trips" and "I don't need to have children, I just married one!"

These work for me but if you come up with a new one, send it my way.

 

[PhotobearSam]

P.S.

What are you guys doing on the last night of your trip? Maybe we could get together for a drink or something on the 28th? That is our first night and we won't have park tickets but maybe we can meet up...

 

[TDC Nala]

How about "it's none of your business?"

 

[thelionqueen]

Everything you said fit me to a tee 10 years ago!
I feel as if I am a very selfish person...nothing wrong with that I think I work for what I want, go where I want and do what I want to do which is everyone's right IMHO.

In 1996, I unexpectedly got pregnant...truly unexpectedly, you might call it a miracle since I had NUMEROUS "options" in effect to make sure this didn't happen.

Being Spanish & Sicilian (and obviously Catholic) termination of pregnancy is not an option in any way, therefore, Voila..I started telling everyone I was going to have a baby (out of wedlock no less..but that only lasted 45 days )

Everyone was COMPLETELY shocked!!! I had NEVER even held a baby, NEVER been around one and ABSOLUTELY didn't consider myself the mothering type, but, here I was.

Anyway, long story short, I am a wonderful mother of 2 and it is what I was meant to be. I absolutely could NEVER imagine my life without them. Honestly, as I write this, I barely remember life before them, it was so empty with things that meant nothing when I thought they were everything. But that is just me.

My 2 cents worth, if it bothers you when people ask, just say whatever you think you are entitled to not have children and it's no ones business whatever you choose. My little sidenote is, I believe the reason people keep asking is because having children is so completely wonderful, they "expect" other's would want them.

Hopefully trying to "ride the fence" on this issue, I understand both sides.. In any event, enjoy your upcoming vacation!!!

 

[justplaingoofy]

We to, have decided not to have any. Don't have anything against them, we just like doing what we want, when we want. (sounds like we're a little selfish I guess).
When people ask, I just give them the old Pheobe saying from Friends (the one when someone asked her to go someplace she didnt want to go)

"I wish I could, but I really don't want to"

 

[TDC Nala]

I believe the reason people keep asking is because having children is so completely wonderful, they "expect" other's would want them.

Gosh, thanks. "Here's the fabulous thing you're missing. We don't understand why anyone would forego anything so fabulous and live an empty life, therefore we have to probe into your life and psyche because we don't get it."

Still none of their business.

 

[tggrbuny]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but the problem might be due to your answers. Every response that you listed is informational.

We wanted kids, thirteen miscarriages later, it is not going to happen. I don't want to discuss my fertillity with everyone. So when I am asked if I have any kids, I simply say no and then ask a question of them to change the subject. Rarely does anyone push it, and if they do I tell them it wasn't an option. I don't tell them why and I have a stern look on my face that would be hard to mistake for anything but drop the subject.

You are telling them you made a choice, therefore giving them the chance to respond.

You have made a lifestyle choice that others should respect, since they won't respect it, don't invite comment.

In the long run the questions stop anyway, were our in our 40s and not as many people ask any more.

Of course this advise doesn't not work for relatives

Before anyone flames me with adoption/foster options, health prevented that choice.(stern look on my face that indicates I don't want to talk about it )

 

[thelionqueen]

Gosh, thanks. "Here's the fabulous thing you're missing. We don't understand why anyone would forego anything so fabulous and live an empty life, therefore we have to probe into your life and psyche because we don't get it."

Still none of their business.

If you're going to quote someone, you might want to read and quote the entire sentence at least....what I wrote is...

"you are entitled to not have children and it's no ones business whatever you choose. My little sidenote is, I believe the reason people keep asking is because having children is so completely wonderful, they "expect" other's would want them."
Not trying to flame, just believe you took my comment out of context.

 

[FayeW]

Ann Landers always said that when someone askes a nosy, personal question you should just smile quizzically and say "Why do you ask?", or, if you particularily want to get your point across you could amend it to "That is a very personal question, why do you ask?" Really puts the asker on the spot. Obviously, a generic "Do you have children?" wouldn't deserve that response, but I do like the previous suggestion of replying "No, that it isn't an option". They don't need to know that it isn't an option because you choose for it to not be an option.

 

[TDC Nala]

thelionqueen, I was replying to your side note, not the rest of your sentence. I understand those who believe they have a wonderful thing going. No matter how wonderful they think it is, they have no business asking anyone else why they wouldn't want the same thing.

I do like the previous suggestion of replying "No, that it isn't an option".

"No" should be enough. Personal explanations aren't required.

 

[DisneyPhD]

1st, I am not arugeing with your choice, but it sounds like most of the answer given at based in self centernedness and imaturiety. (I like doing what I want, I still am kid or married to one, I don't want to give up my currenlty lifestyle for chidlren, I like being able to what I want and not have to think about kids or be resonsible for them........) All very good reasons not to have kids. Really so many people are parents who shouldn't be. Taking steps to make sure you don't have kids if you don't want them is a mature thing to do. To many people the answer you are giving are interepted as "We are not ready yet." So they ask again to see if are later.

However most of these feelings are ones people often outgrow and mature past. Many people who are now parents once felt that way, and now can't even remember it or why they thought it was an atractive lifestyle. While parenthood is difficult and very much a labor of love, it has so many bennfits and joys aren't based on what you want as a person, but what you want for your children. (A good example is your mom PhotobearSam who is happy for you, not the grand kids she won't have.)

Many a person has felt the way you do, and down the line changed their mind as they grew. My older brother and his wife lead the "yuppie lifestyle" for 20 years and now are desperetly trying ever procudcture known to get pregnant. They currenlty are, after 100,000 pregnant and hope with every breath and prayer to stay that way until a healty baby is born. She is really scared she waited too long.

Sorry I have more thoughts on this (as a mom and a clincial thearpsit, who can't spell! ) but I have to go attened to my screaming baby.

All in all I agree with tggrbuny, too much info. Just say you don't plan to have kids.

 

[TDC Nala]

To many people the answer you are giving are interepted as "We are not ready yet." So they ask again to see if are later.

They should not be asking AT ALL. Other than close family members, what business is it of anyone whether a couple is ready to have children or not?

 

[DisneyPhD]

Ok, nursed cranky baby and put her down for nap. I have more time to finish my thoughts.

Krissalee, I was married at age 22 we always knew we anted kids, but Ihad my 1st daughter the week after I turned 30 years old. We had 8 years to enjoy a lifestyle of just hubby and I and I don't disrespect your decsion to continue that. We both enjoyed out time when it was just us and I am really glad we had that. If we never had kids I would still be happy in our marriage. Many people have kids for the wrong reason, to fix something in themsevels or their current life.

Also the standard list of reasons an adult doesn't want kids often sounds like you are trying to convince yourself along with others why you dont' want them.

I have many friends who are going through the same struggle right now (not just with family, but trying to decide among themselves if they do want to ever.) 32 is just the age for that.

As a mom I do tend to agree with thelionqueen, once you expernce parenthood do you rather expect others to want to have the same feelings. Many people love parenthood so much and it changed them so much they are suprized when others don't want the same experinces.

 

[eeyore74]

People have mostly stopped asking me, thankfully, but I would always try to think of weird answers. Complaining about my horrible periods and kidney stones worked well. I also would just give them "the look" and turn to talk to somebody else.

I don't want kids and I'm mature enough to know that this is what's for me. Too many friends have had kids because it's expected. They don't care about their kids and that's sadder than anything.

To parents who love their kids and enjoy them - that's great! Wish there were more of you.

 

[lookingforward]

I have three children and appreciate all of the wonderful moments as well as the sacrifices and pain that comes along with parenthood. I am also a social worker and can understand that some people do not want children at all. I think it takes a brave person to admit that children are not on their agenda and then embrace that. Society tends to expect babies from couples but it is clearly not the right decision for some. Having children is full time, gritty, wonderful, dirty, exhausting, exhilerating, work. I have not slept through the night since 1990 (when my first child was born). I worry about the things I do and don't do for my kids. I worry about their health, their happiness, their futures. To me, it is the best and most complicated thing I have ever done. To someone else, it might be maddening. I have seen people struggle with being unhappy parents and once that decision is made it it lifelong. So to those who just "know" that they don't want kids, consider yourselves lucky to have such forethought. At work, I deal with many parents who were not insightful enough to realize that. Enjoy and revel in your decision, life is too short to worry about what other people think about your choices.

Oh, I agree with the person who suggested the line "It is none of your business" That is quick and to the point!

 

[macs4us]

I have been with my husband for just over 11 years, married 6 years. We had my kitty Nicky until she passed away at the age of 13 Christmas Day in 1999 (she stayed with us to see us married). I missed her so much, and people were putting the "baby" pressure on me (you aren't getting any younger - you will be 30 soon) I decided I wanted to have a baby. I started buying baby stuff, getting books, etc. After 2 years and no baby, I rescued 3 kitties - no more baby urge. I kept all that baby stuff in trunks in my garage - tags still on. When Katrina hit, I donated all of it. The total came to over $5000 in baby stuff - yikes!!! But, it went to help other people, so it was meant to be. When people ask me about kids, I tell them I already help raise my nieces and nephews, so I'm good (my sisters are 10 years older than I am). Sometimes I tell people with all the problems this planet has with overpopulation, we are being socially responsible by not having children. That usually shuts them up.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

They should not be asking AT ALL. Other than close family members, what business is it of anyone whether a couple is ready to have children or not?

Personally, I am not sure whether or not I want to have children yet- I have been discussing it with my boyfriend- that it may not be the right decision for me, but I'm still on the fence, however, this sentence made me think-

increasingly, more and more people- family included, think *everything* is their business. I have heard comments on my weight, religion, finances, etc. from family, friends and acquaintances that I have thought were truly none of their business. Whether it's choosing not to have children, or any of these other personal matters, we really shouldn't have to think of creative ways of explaining our circumstances or choices, but we all do. If I say "it's none of your business" then I am thought of as the rude one. It's not right, IMHO.

I'm not married, I'm 25, so relatively young, and last year, my class (I'm a teacher) asked me why I didn't have kids. They were so shocked by this- many of them have young moms with multiple kids, often from multiple men, so they kind of just assume it's what happens. I felt very put on the spot here, so I can imagine what it's like for the rest of you.

All I can say is that I have great respect for people who do what they know is right for them no matter what others say- and I wish the world were more supportive.

 

[Meezers]

I totally understand this issue. When I was married I got asked this question all the time. Tried to answer politely but finally started saying "My husband kicks the cat....he calls me stupid all the time...what would he do to a child?".

My Mother also gets the whole pity thing cause she doesn't have grandchildren. She tells people she is very glad that she has children who didn't let society pressure "make" them have children...she is quite happy with "grandpets"!

One other thing....some women are not able to concieve or carry children....so why don't some people think that the answers given might be very painful and emotional before they ask the question...which is really none of their business anyways.